to be a bit hacked off with DHs family?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

This is a bit long, sorry.

DS is 2 months old. The birth was not straightforward and I've been in and out of hospital ever since due to repeat infections which have left me feeling a bit depressed. Ever since we brought DS home, on day 3, DHs family (namely parents and older sister) have been turning up at the house at all hours of the day uninvited. This usually coincides with when DS is having a nap, so then they complain that he's asleep and do as much as they can to wake him up. Now that DH is back at work they come round every Saturday unnanounced, then stay for hours on end while we run around making them cups of tea. (They're not easy people, and have to be 'entertained').

A couple of weeks ago DHs sister turned up on a weekday while DH was at work, again unannounced. DS had a mouth infection and had been up all night and day crying and had just gone to sleep. She has 2 children under the age of 7, one of whom has severe autism. Both kids went straight up to the moses basket and DC1 put her finger in DS mouth. Then DC2 picked up my birthing ball and threw it at the moses basket. DHs sister told them to leave him alone, then did absolutely nothing when they carried on. I'm a first time mum and nervous that I'm doing everything wrong, and I've no idea of the etiquette about telling off other people's children, but after a DC1 put her finger in DS mouth for a third time I said 'You've already been told by your mum, leave him alone!'. I didn't shout, at all, but I was very stern sounding. DHs sister looked really put out though and left with them soon after. She's since spoken to DHs mum and told her I made her feel very unwelcome, then his mum spoke to DH and asked him to let me know that I should make more of an effort when people come to see me!

I've told DH that I have no problem at all with his family coming to see us, in fact I think it's very important that DS has the same close relationship with his grandparents as I've been lucky enough to have with mine. But I need them to STOP coming round whenever it suits them. I would also like it if they had the courtesy to speak to me if they've a problem with something they've done, rather than going through DH. He isn't willing to talk to them about it and I have no idea how I would go about it without offending them even further. AIBU to feel like this? And if not, how would you go about letting them know that I can't cope with them simply turning up all the time?!

YANBU, I feel your pain! My PIL are lovely, but they pop round unannounced too and it drives me nuts! I asked for the spare key back a while ago, they said they didn't have it, then the next time I didn't answer the door, they let themselves in! They've let themselves in when I was in the shower once, with my clothes still upstairs. (Shower room is downstairs) That seemed to put them off for a while. Maybe next time I'll just walk out butt naked, that might scare them off doing it for good!

My MIL showed up unnanounced the morning after I got home from a EMCS. DH and DM out getting baby stuff, so I was home alone. She woke me and DS up, I took ages to get to the door cos had to pick up DS and was in pain from CS wound. She was hammering at the door so I answered it, worried there was some kind of emergency. When I saw her I shut the door on her! She has behaved ever since!
I suggest 1. keep door locked, get back their keys or change the locks if required (you can always say your key broke in the lock if you need an excuse).

1. Insist on at least 30 minutes warning, by telephone, and explain that if they are unable to get through, they'd best not come as you may be out. The permenant sign on the door as suggested by fiveisanawfullybignumber is a fab idea.
2. Ideally your DH should deal with this, but I suspect he won't, it's much harder saying no to your own family than your in laws. I had this. And like yours, my in laws need entertaining. I just said no to all visits when DH was not going to be around. Never gave an excuse...just "would love to see you but now really is a very bad time", and then make DH arrange a visit!
3. Have confidence in yourself and your ability as a mother. Try to sort this out and make the ground rules clear now, as it's going to get a lot worse. If you can do it with a smile on your face you might find yourself with lots of free babysitting when you are ready for it!

Good luck. Honestly, it will get better, but you need to stand your ground and look out for your and your baby's needs, especially if noone else much is.

I'm SO pleased there are other people on here who do not like people dropping in! In-laws. With a key. I am very surprised you are still a) married b) not inside for GBH d) alive. Tell your dh THIS MADNESS MUST END!

Just what is it with men and their inability to tell their families that they're being inappropriate!

I just hate people dropping in unannounced - I never even do it to my parents, I will always ring first and I hate to be caught out.

Tell dh that he has to sort it out and if he doesn't then you will do it. I waited for years for my dh to speak to his mother about her behaviour but he was always too worried about upsetting the delicate little flower.

Sadly it got to the point where enough was enough and I had to tell her - and we ended up not speaking to each other for a whole year. That was a long time time ago and we've learned to accept each other's boundaries now. We'll never be great friends and we accept that her son, my dh, and our children are the only things we really have in common, but we have reached a compromise.

Don't leave it until it's too late and you're too angry and resentful. Tell dh to pull his finger out.

Lock the doors, and don't answer the doorbell if it isn't a good time.

Re: the Saturday visits. You could phone on Friday and invite them round at a set time (and sound really friendly), then make up something you have to do afterwards which means they can only stay for an hour or two.

We don't answer the door unless we're expecting someone or the phone unless I want to speak to someone.

We've made this clear to friends and family.

"The ringing bell is a sign you want to make contact with me. It does not control me in my own home" although we did put it more politely than this.

My family gets it.

DH's family doesn't. But that doesn't matter. They know the rules, if they choose to ignore them.

Oh and talk to DH and set some ground rules together.

Pallymamma I hope you then said "Oh I see you've found our missing key, can I have it back please." They would then have no choice but to hand it over. Letting yourself univited into someone else's house unless an emergency is inexcusable.
I would be rude to anyone who let themselves into my house uninvited, as they are being rude by not respecting my privacy.

Urg - not much worse than people who think they're doing you a favour by visiting, even though they're a bunch of velcro-arses when they're there.

You can't carry on like this - they're going to be narked by the suggestion they actually exercise a little courtesy and call before gracing you with their presence, but SiL is pissed off anyway so hey-ho. They'll come around...but not without calling first (hopefully).

Ugh they sound like a nightmare! I agree your DH needs to grow a pair, and confront them. Tell him to deal with it right now, and cut down the visits. Make sure he knows that if the status quo continues you will end up getting so upset that you will personally tell them to Fuck the Fuckity Fuck Off. And that you'll lose a vast amount of respect for him because he's failing to stick up for his wife!

They will flounce though. They sound like the type of people who always want their own way.

Inlaws with keys? Who's mad idea was that?! Change the locks, move house do whatever you can to put a stop to this mad open door policy now! God I hate this kind of self entitlement! "Well, he's our DGS, DN so we will see him whenever we want!" Err, no that's not how it works.

DP's extended family have a similar open door policy at his gran's house- they all just let themselves in (she doesn't seem to mind) but it also means we don't visit very often or for very long. The invasion of privacy is extreme. I was once woken up by someone I didn't know (turns out I met her at SIL's wedding 2 years before- their aunty, I just didn't remember at the time, hence my hostile attitude), lifting my sleeping 1 year old DD up to take downstairs to meet cousin of DP's who hadn't seen her yet. Apparently they couldn't possibly wait til we had woken up from our lie down

Coco that is a brilliant idea, I'm going to do that - at least that way I can control what time they get here and be prepared for them! I'll suggest to DH that he start a 'phone the parents on Fridays' habit, then he can mention what we're up to, like 'Oh, if you were thinking of popping over tomorrow, we won't be here, we're going to ', or 'If you were thinking of coming round please do it after 4 o'clock'. That way he doesn't really need to grow a pair and stand up to them (I'm feeling quite bolshy towards him now others have confirmed he is, in fact, being an arse) and they can't accuse me of being unfriendly.

And saffy - OMG!!

I'm also going to change the locks

Until you get round to changing the locks, leave your key on the inside or put the chain on

Remember as well to keep the doors locked as standard!

Until you get around to changing them, leave the key in the door or put the bolt on, so they can't just walk in.

It's so sad that you needed confirmation that DH was being an arse about this.

If you ever feel embarrassed about standing up for your peace and quiet, when you're "not really doing anything", think of it as training for having a toddler: those need firm boundaries, or they will push hard with very unreasonable behaviour. Thinking about it in terms of a toddler show you how it is possible to combine restrictions and lack of trust with love and not be a hypocrite, just a clear-eyed grown-up.

I ended up moving because of the same shit with my in-laws. Far far away. I love it now.

I don't like people dropping in either and wouldn't do it to someone else. My MIL would drop in all the time when ds was born - first grandchild, so I can understand why.

However, we got her to agree to phone first to check if it was convenient then we all got along a lot better.

Best of luck to all of you in this situation. No advice to offer! When I was at uni my boyfriend's mum lived only 30 minutes from our halls of residence. She would drop in (his room first, and if he wasn't there would knock on my door) at very inopportune moments . Since graduating we've not lived closer than a 2 hour drive and now with 2 DC I have no intention of moving any closer, how ever much babysitting we are missing out on!

My exMIL was like this. Dropping in when it suited and even when she did ring exP used to say 'Yeah it's ok' and rolling his eyes at me when we really weren't up to visitors.

She used to hate it when DD was asleep and was always moaning when she was because she couldn't have a play. She was 4 weeks ffs!! One day I just blew my stack and said 'Oh I'm sorry - I thought she was a baby not a FUCKING DOLL'. I had warned exP that if he didn't have a tactful word with her then I would and it wouldn't be so tactful - and that's what she got . She backed off a bit but we spkit up when DD was 3 so he has to hear all her moaning now.

She still tries to interfere now (DD is 15) but she isn't as domineering, not with me anyway. She still moans at exP about stuff and he mentions it to me and I pop my head out the door when she drps DD off and say 'exP says you have a problem with such and such' You should see the shade of white she turns and the look of panic on her face. The boundries were set many many years ago - but exP never grew his set of balls so he gets all the shit now

If you didn't guess YADDNBU. Take the key off them. Whose hairbrained idea was that!!!

"I did try the 'I'm out' bit once - locked the front door (they always just let themselves in) and crouched under the window when I saw their car pull up, but they walked round the back and came in through the kitchen instead and I had to quickly come up with a mad story about falling asleep on the floor!"

Hahahaha!! Sorry but that is bloody hilarious! My FiL used to call round to ours all the time unannounced! and it was always really late at night like 10 or 11 O'clock because he had finished work. I just stopped offering him tea and watched tv until he left. I made DP sort him out. Bloody werido.

Poor DH doesn't know what's hit him. Riled myself up good and proper after reading everyone's responses and threw them all at him (in the verbal sense) pretty much as soon as he got home. He has agreed that it's not appropriate for his parents to keep turning up whenever, and will be taking the shit-we've-locked-ourselves-out keys off them ASAP. And said he'll ring them every Fri and either tell them not to come round or suggest a time that's good for us

I am going to celebrate by spending the whole of this Saturday in nothing but my pants.

"I am going to celebrate by spending the whole of this Saturday in nothing but my pants."
Great. We'll call round...

let em turn up, say you are going out, and that they should call before arriving ime this really works,