to be a bit hacked off with DHs family?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

This is a bit long, sorry.

DS is 2 months old. The birth was not straightforward and I've been in and out of hospital ever since due to repeat infections which have left me feeling a bit depressed. Ever since we brought DS home, on day 3, DHs family (namely parents and older sister) have been turning up at the house at all hours of the day uninvited. This usually coincides with when DS is having a nap, so then they complain that he's asleep and do as much as they can to wake him up. Now that DH is back at work they come round every Saturday unnanounced, then stay for hours on end while we run around making them cups of tea. (They're not easy people, and have to be 'entertained').

A couple of weeks ago DHs sister turned up on a weekday while DH was at work, again unannounced. DS had a mouth infection and had been up all night and day crying and had just gone to sleep. She has 2 children under the age of 7, one of whom has severe autism. Both kids went straight up to the moses basket and DC1 put her finger in DS mouth. Then DC2 picked up my birthing ball and threw it at the moses basket. DHs sister told them to leave him alone, then did absolutely nothing when they carried on. I'm a first time mum and nervous that I'm doing everything wrong, and I've no idea of the etiquette about telling off other people's children, but after a DC1 put her finger in DS mouth for a third time I said 'You've already been told by your mum, leave him alone!'. I didn't shout, at all, but I was very stern sounding. DHs sister looked really put out though and left with them soon after. She's since spoken to DHs mum and told her I made her feel very unwelcome, then his mum spoke to DH and asked him to let me know that I should make more of an effort when people come to see me!

I've told DH that I have no problem at all with his family coming to see us, in fact I think it's very important that DS has the same close relationship with his grandparents as I've been lucky enough to have with mine. But I need them to STOP coming round whenever it suits them. I would also like it if they had the courtesy to speak to me if they've a problem with something they've done, rather than going through DH. He isn't willing to talk to them about it and I have no idea how I would go about it without offending them even further. AIBU to feel like this? And if not, how would you go about letting them know that I can't cope with them simply turning up all the time?!

Fuck me! You know what? I really wouldn't give a CRAP about offending them! How? HOW can they not realise it's so wrong?? You don't just wander in to someone else's house whenever you feel like it, even if you are related!

If your dh won't tell them, lemme at 'em! Please?

PMSL at "balls for earrings" - daangleeeee - yuck!

Have a massive tantrum when the next let themselves into your house unannounced (they will, even if your DH manages to speak to them). Definitely use the phrase sack of arseholes, it is entirely appropriate for the occasion. Demand the key back there and then and threaten to invade their house constantly and see how they like it. So what if it offends them? They have shown you no consideration whatsoever and will continue to just walk over your new family if you or rather your DH let them. Establish boundaries now and show your teeth.

As for SIL, she is obviously cut from the same cloth and will no doubt need the same treatment.

For me-as much as anything else, it would be the not being treated like adults.

I knock on my teenagers doors-there comes a time when you have to know that a space is yours.

I used to put a big notice on the front door saying "Please do not knock, phone or disturb, new mum and/or baby are sleeping. Thanks."

Kept the majority of unwanted unexpected visitors away. It was so useful I still do it now and LO is two years old.

And get your keys back or fit bolts.

FFS how are you being unreasonable?! Your man needs to man up. And either change the bloody locks or get the keys off of people. I get the whole goving someone a spare key just in case you get locked out (my mum has mine) but a spare key should only be used for emergencies, not just letting yourself in someone else's house whenever you damn well choose, like it's your second home.... Ooh that's an idea. Have you considered charging them rent/electricty/contribution towards the council tax? Seeing as they act like they own your home they should pay towards the upkeep.

has anything been said tonight about it?

Saffy not a bad idea

Badmummy101 - we had a smiling-at-the-baby-while-we-argue-through-our-teeth argument about it last night which went on for most of the evening so when he agreed, finally, that it's really, really not on, I promised myself I wouldn't bring it up again. Then this afternoon I had mad squits () so had DS in his bouncy chair in the hallway, opposite me while I sat on the downstairs loo singing to him. DH let himself in from work and almost tripped over the baby and got a face full of me with my keks down (first time in about 12 weeks, and not exactly how either of us had imagined it...) and before I could stop myself I said 'See? This is why you need to speak to your parents!'

Well if he doesn't feel the need to say something to his parents after that, nothing will!!

LOL at your last post. What did your DH say?

Seriously, just get the locks changed. I know it's not cheap, but it'll be soooo worth it - both to get the PITA-in-laws out of the house permanently and to see their faces when they realise what's happened - much more satisfying than having to beg them to give you your own bloody door keys back.

Seriously, though, how ill mannered are these people - they must be aware that OP isn't happy with it, yet they just carry on regardless.

Wow what rotten people.
I think you need to lay down the rules and stick to them, throwing a birthing ball at the moses basket in my house would mean that child would not be coming in to my house again SN or not

I was going to say Snuffle, that I know were exactly what you are going through. When we first married we lived on my PILs farm NEXT DOOR to them!

We managed it for 4 years, but in the end we had to move.

You truly are a saint, there's no way I could have kept quiet soming into the house to find them in there

I am furious on your behalf! They let themselves in?! Good GRIEF! How dare they?!

I'd go mental if my in laws did this and they'd know in no uncertain terms that they couldn't drop around uninvited, let alone let themselves in. Get the keys off them asap!

If you want me to talk to them please let me know, I'd be happy to help :)

You've a new baby, ill health and possible PND (I think you said) and you're putting up with this nonsense? Have you shown your DH this thread? Does he not realise he's prioritising the wrong people? The wider family are important but you and your baby come first

Such a pity the ILs will never give notice, so you can't arrange a prune-fest in time for their arrival! At least the squits helped you make the point with the first person you needed to convince!

just come on to this and want to say I wish you all the best tomorrow. It is worth keeping on to DH. if he doesn't sort it out sort it out yourself if you can. If he doesn't like confrontation he might be pleased you've taken the decission from him. I know it all seem as if we are being light hearted. a bit of a joke but having done the hiding upstairs thing my self know how much it can get to you.Hope you have had that last gut wrenching suprise visit!!!

Hope it all goes OK for you.

But if parents do have keys-isn´t it still usual to knock first, let yourself in & shout "hello" from the hall & wait for an answer?

Just walking right in-& upstairs is wrong, wrong, wrong, isn´t it?

Everyone else is right of course - have conversations, take keys back etc, but I have to second whoever it was who said DO IT BACK AT 6am!

I would take the baby round there at 6am, sit quietly on their bed holding baby until they start to wake up, then in a calm voice say you're finding it annoy intrusive when they just let themselves in at inappropriate times. Then leave. They won't know if they dreamt it or whether you actually did it!

YANBU. It would drive me absolutely spare having to deal with that. It's a real invasion of personal space and its bad enough under normal circumstances, let alone when you have a newborn. My MIL (who thankfully lives several thousand miles away) is famous for doing this and has alienated all of her sons' by just wandering in whenever she pleases, staying hours and dispensing pearls of wisdom about how they should be bringing up their DCs.
In their defence, I think its partly a generational thing: older people tend to think that that's what families do. Younger people, and particularly those who have lived in cities etc and have some experienced of less claustrophobic living, resent it hugely.
But you should put your foot down definitely. By rights your DH should do it. If he won't, tell them and if they still don't get the message you should try the passive aggressive route (hiding in the bedrooms etc). But really it would be more helpful for you to be upfront about it if you can.

i cant believe how patient you are! I dont think i know anyone this patient! When me and Dh were first married our friends lived in a student house round the corner (he was a student too) and the day after our wedding (we had a gap before honeymooning) we had a knock at the door and we were in the middle of"something". Hubby went down in his dressing gown and answered (we were also expecting wedding gift delivery so thought it may be this) to be greeted with a friend asking for his water filter we'd borrowed! I shouted " oh my gosh *** go away!!!! and burst out laughing! He was so embarrassed he never dropped round again. We still tease him now- hes about to get married so ive told him that i;ll be calling round sometime to borrow the water filter.

Really hope it get sorted op, this is really not on.

God it annoys me sooo much that our DHs need bullying to deal with this sort of sh!t. Have finally trained persuaded mine to take responsibility for dealing with his own parents but it took (a) leaving the house when they arrived so he had to entertain them and (b) showing him the letter I had written to them and that I was going to post if he didn't speak to them first. Also must confess to having skipped the last few visits to/ from them and I feel much calmer for doing so!

FlappyBaps I love the letter idea!

Will let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I'm not going with (I am re-claiming the 2 hours of free time the PIL stole from me a couple of weeks ago when DH and DS had gone out) but will be grilling the DH when he gets home.

If they don't react well then we can write them that letter together...

I like the idea of doing it right back to them. At 6am. On a sunday. Do it! Also don't forget to invoice them for their rent/council tax contribution/etc. Backdated obviously.

The MN Army liberates another poor soul for whom unreasonable behaviour had become normalised.... Hurray! I do love it here.