MiL making demands on how I care for DS

[fionathepink]

DS is 5 weeks old and is a delight. This week my MiL has gone from lovely to crossing the line between advice + telling me I'm wrong. I'm furious + don't know how to approach it when she turns up again this coming weekend (uninvited and ruining our plans but that's another issue).

At SiL's on sat night eating some food with DS asleep on my lap. MiL whisked him off me to cuddle him + he woke up screaming. MiL insisted he was hungry despite my feeding him 1 1/2 hour before. I explained he is settling into a routine + DH will calm him as he does at the same time each eve. MiL was having none of it, 5 min later still telling me I'm wrong + refusing to pass DS to DH, DH said 'just feed him' to avoid a full blown argument.

DH came into the room where I was calming DS a few min later to apologise + I said I wanted to go home as I'd just been totally undermined as the mother.

Next day MiL came to ours + dragged DH into the kitchen for a quiet word. I was playing with a calm, awake DS and let his great aunt hold him. MiL came out of the kitchen , followed by a furious DH, and MiL said 'look how calm he is in experienced hands, babies always know when they are with experienced people.'

I waited for an alone moment to ask DH what MiL wanted; to tell us DS was colicky (I think we'd have noticed that + be lacking more sleep) that I wasn't winding him post-feed (I am), produced a bottle of gripe water + insisted his next feed was bottle (I'm breastfeeding) to resolve the problem. DS is not colicky + only cries for a short time as he is having a growthj spurt. Plus, we don;t want to use gripe water if he was getting colic but try home remedies first (fennel + such). Instead of discussing our child with both of us, she is now going straight to DH + demanding she is right + I am not.

I asked DH why he didn't support me + pull her up about not discussing the colic in front of me, he said he didn't want a fight with his mum + is easier to put the gripe water away than create a rift. I am upset that MiL is showing she doesn't trust MY judgement with MY son. DH thinks I am being a little over-sensitive + MiL is just being well-meaning.

I have another weekend ahead of this + I'm dreading it.

god, nightmare situation. good luck. i would just not see her for a month. you are so vulnerable right now with you wee baby.

Sod any potential arguments, you do not need this kind of resentment building up inside you, and at the moment it doesn't sound like she's being a particularly supportive or helpful MIL so nothing to lose in telling her to stop. She had her turna nd now it's yours and you will parent your son as you see fit and her opinions are unwelcome and meddlesome.
Be strong.

Tbh you sound a leetle uptight but talking about 'experienced' people being better with a baby than its mother at 5 weeks old is just cruel to any mother!
She is being a nasty piece of work here and if your dh is being too 'nice' to deal with it then you need to do it.
Try and find some moments during next weekend when you can trill something along the lines of 'I am his mother and so I get to decide but, hey thanks for the advice'. If she ever refuses to give him back to you or your dh then you get to get very firm.
I had/have issues with MIL and I am convinced that speaking up earlier rather than later is better.

I would refuse to go, or let DS go. And you need to have it out with your DH who needs to stand up for you. If you don't nip this is the bud now you are setting a precedent for the rest of his childhood.

In your own way, tell her to 'back off or fuck off'. Ideally, it should be their blood relative doing the friendly warnings and keeping everything jolly but, if you're unlucky to be attached to a coward, you have to find some balls for yourself. She's not worried about offending or upsetting you so return the favour.

Bud... nip...

The trick is to smile, thank her for the advice, then blatantly carry on doing what you want to anyway.

It's not worth falling out over, truly.

You are the mamma and no amount of granny manipulation can change that. If she tries to intervene with your methods, you simply thank her for her interest and calmly state you are going to carry on with your own.

If she takes the huff that's up to her innit?

I think you need to cut this off at the pass- your DH must grow a pair and tell her to stop interfering or it'll just get worse and worse! Maybe he could tell her that although he appreciates that she is just trying to help, you both feel undermined by her domineering approach and she needs to take a back seat from now on. Good luck- and congrats on your little one, sounds like you're doing a great job!

Wellmeaning she may be but she's also an interferring pain in the arse by the sound of it. Your DH may think that accepting his mother's advice is best as it gives him a "quiet life" but it wont. Because his mum will just keep going to him all the time, telling him you're both doing it wrong. He needs to politely tell her "no mum, we're doing it such and such a way". And leave it at that.

Also her comment about: 'look how calm he is in experienced hands, babies always know when they are with experienced people.' Reads as plain spiteful even if said in a jokey way. And I'd have been tempted confronted her about that, in an ever such a polite, measured way ofcourse.

If you really don't think you can do the smile, nod and ignore approach, then you're going to have to sit down with her calmly and tell her (some) of your thoughts.

Put it in the context of you really really want her to have a great relationship with baby but that will be very hard if she makes you feel inadequate and undermines you. Make it clear that you have the ultimate sanction here - time spent with baby - and that if she carries on then it will affect that time; make her see she has something to lose. But nicely, calmly. You really want the relationship, etc.

I would definitely just make some excuse as to why she can't visit this weekend to give yourself a break. You can then discuss with your DH what your course of action will be re MiL. She is being completely out of order and your DH needs to stand up for you. If this isn't nipped in the bud it'll carry on and you'll end up hating each other.

You are your son's mother not her, and she needs to respect that. There is a world of difference between well meaning advice and interfering.

I'd be telling DH to cancel this weekend's visit PDQ then perhaps she will get the message that you are the boss, you make the decisions about DS, and she will see a lot less of you all if she doesn't learn to keep her unwanted advice and opinions to herself. Been there myself - deffo nip in bud as it only gets worse if they get away with it unchallenged.

I think I'd be booking myself in for an "ailment" this weekend, which would prevent me from hosting visitors.
And next time she butts in offers advice, just smile benignly and say, "thank you but I've got it covered."

I agree that the comment about the baba being calmer in experienced hands was awful.

Remember OP....no-one on this earth is more experienced with YOUR baby, than YOU.

Vinegary old trout.

As your DH isn't, you need to stand up to her. Politely, calmly in a moderate voice, take your baby off her and say, 'Thank you for your advice. I will deal with my son in my way.' Stay calm and just repeat as necessary. It may take saying it 20 times in 5 minutes, but just do the broken record thing. Don't engage in debate over it. Tell your DH that as he's loathe to confront her he doesn't have to, but he does have to keep his mouth firmly shut or say, 'I support my wife.' If she eventually backs off, treat it as sorted and act as though nothing has happened. If after 60 minutes she is still trying to argue, you'll need to say that you love having her around and it's really important to you for your son to have time with his grandmother, but that your parenting is not up for debate, and that it's time she goes home.

This is more an issue with your DH than your MIL, if he told her she was wriong and needed to back off then she wouldn't be able to get to you. If he won't then it's going to cause serious problems in your relationship as you'll end up resenting him as well as his mum.

Ok, time to get tough. If you can, educate your DH on the importance of exclusive breastfeeding at this stage - you need him on side as the introduction of formula at this stage may be extremely detrimental to your BFing. I wouldn't be leaving my baby alone with someone who shows such disrespect for me as the mother. If you don't think your DH is up to the job of telling her to get back on the other side of the line she crossed then you will have to do it and be very firm. Good luck. She sounds like a fuckwit.

Nip this in the bud asap, as pommedechocolat advised, with a straight to the point comment from you or your DH.

Something like this: "MIL, while I of course respect your opinions and appreciate your advice, as our childs' parents we get the first and last say over his wellbeing. Even if it's obvious DH and I are just feeling our way into parenthood, we have to learn by ourselves - just as she did once! Being constantly undermined by you makes me feel very anxious and stressed.

"Besides, we're getting lots of up-to-date advice from NHS, healthvisitors, friends and baby groups.

"Of course, there will be times when we would like your advice and help over the months and years to come, but please, wait until we ask you MIL!"

Hopefully she will then be put in her place, get over it and blossom into being a lovely and supportive MIL and grandma in the future.

Let it go on, and refuse to confront her, and the relationship will probably become sourer and sourer.

Good luck, be assertive, and if you don't have the energy to be, make sure your DH is!

Thing is, until this week, she was lovely and reasonable. She spent the whole of my pregnancy saying how she resented her mother fpor doing things with her DD that she hated and just this week it is like she has flipped a switch to telling us how to do this.

DH realised that he should have done more and has promised to next time. I realise I'm being a little over sensitive now, taking all comments out of context isn't helpful. If DH doesn't say somethng this weekend, I will.

Just when do our Mum's become like this? I can ignore advice, both gpts think I'm a hippy as I'm vegan and refused to change my diet while pregnant so expect them to say the styuff they used on us kids is better but I never expected this level of involvement.

Thank you for the vent-letting here though x

Make an excuse for the weekend, if you already had plans that she is ruining then tell her the plans can't be changed. then DH needs to be made to understand that the way she is acting is not nice, and to stick up for you more. I think if you felt that dh would respond properly when told these kind of things, then it wouldn't bother you too much.
But if you don't agree with her advice then just ignore her, if she is saying other people are better with your baby than you then she is just wrong so try not to even let it register what she is saying. It is hard to be too assertive when you are so soon after giving birth esp with your first baby though, but I do think it becomes easier to ignore this kind of thing as time goes on, and it would bother you less as you just don't take it so seriously.
But it does sound she has definitely crossed over the border from well meaning but harmless excessive advice, into the realms of rude and out of order so if you do feel up to it just tell her firmly no thanks to her suggestions like the bottle feed, if she wants to take him off your lap while he is sleeping then just give a reply like 'no thanks, he is sleeping i wouldn't want him to be disturbed' say it firmly but with a smile..

Perhaps remind her then of what she said about her mother annoying her by doing the same thing?

I agree with the general consensus that you need to sort this out sooner rather than later. It will only get worse. There are so many things she could undermine you on in his life. And talk to your husband about it. It will be so much easier if he does the talking to her.
Good luck and congratulations.

What Firawla said- definitely- that's your way in.

"Just when do our Mum's become like this?"

IME it can sometimes be triggered by us asking for advice. It gets misinterpreted as carte blanche to give opinions more widely. If they think we're 'not coping', they feel obliged to step in and wax lyrical. And if they think the baby is suffering in some way because we're not doing things properly, ditto. Mostly the motives are misguided or thoughtless rather than deliberately malicious.

I have friends with babies and they do spend a lot of time complaining that they do X or don't do Y. It's incredibly tempting to dive in with an opinion about how to make life better and incredibly difficult to sit on the hands and think 'leave them to it'. If I was related to the baby I think it would be even more extreme.

If she has suddenly "flipped", is there a chance something else has prompted this behaviour? A crisis elsewhere in her life, has just seen something alarming on television...?

Asking her directly what is the matter could be a kindness (if she is genuinely upset and acting out) and a firm-but-polite "back off; I don't trust you" signal (if she is being malicious).

If she's apologetic, and back to her sweet self, just say gently that you are sorry, and can you help, and could she please try not to imply that she doesn't trust you, as you want to be able to help each other, not have an antagonistic relationship.

If, on the other hand, she gets arsey, point out politely that she did try to go behind your back with Dh about the bottle/colic, and actually has said something quite hurtful to you ("experienced hands", FFS, how isn't that rude?). You want to know why she suddenly doesn't trust her, because this sudden change in her behaviour has unsettled you and made you wonder whether there is something wrong with her.

Just let's remember this when it's our turn to be grandparents and how well-meaning advice can be misinterpreted or not be wanted!