MiL making demands on how I care for DS

[fionathepink]

DS is 5 weeks old and is a delight. This week my MiL has gone from lovely to crossing the line between advice + telling me I'm wrong. I'm furious + don't know how to approach it when she turns up again this coming weekend (uninvited and ruining our plans but that's another issue).

At SiL's on sat night eating some food with DS asleep on my lap. MiL whisked him off me to cuddle him + he woke up screaming. MiL insisted he was hungry despite my feeding him 1 1/2 hour before. I explained he is settling into a routine + DH will calm him as he does at the same time each eve. MiL was having none of it, 5 min later still telling me I'm wrong + refusing to pass DS to DH, DH said 'just feed him' to avoid a full blown argument.

DH came into the room where I was calming DS a few min later to apologise + I said I wanted to go home as I'd just been totally undermined as the mother.

Next day MiL came to ours + dragged DH into the kitchen for a quiet word. I was playing with a calm, awake DS and let his great aunt hold him. MiL came out of the kitchen , followed by a furious DH, and MiL said 'look how calm he is in experienced hands, babies always know when they are with experienced people.'

I waited for an alone moment to ask DH what MiL wanted; to tell us DS was colicky (I think we'd have noticed that + be lacking more sleep) that I wasn't winding him post-feed (I am), produced a bottle of gripe water + insisted his next feed was bottle (I'm breastfeeding) to resolve the problem. DS is not colicky + only cries for a short time as he is having a growthj spurt. Plus, we don;t want to use gripe water if he was getting colic but try home remedies first (fennel + such). Instead of discussing our child with both of us, she is now going straight to DH + demanding she is right + I am not.

I asked DH why he didn't support me + pull her up about not discussing the colic in front of me, he said he didn't want a fight with his mum + is easier to put the gripe water away than create a rift. I am upset that MiL is showing she doesn't trust MY judgement with MY son. DH thinks I am being a little over-sensitive + MiL is just being well-meaning.

I have another weekend ahead of this + I'm dreading it.

Exoticfruits - just picked up on your comment, true, when I'm not here then stuff may happen, but this I figure is Grannys perogative - my Mum knows and understands the big picture, and I don't sweat the little things, but importantly in the context of the OP, she has supported and respected my decisions on key areas of upbringing. Things like breastfeeding/co-sleeping/potty training etc, even when they have been very different from her own experiences, and for that I don't fret about more TV time than I'd allow and such like.
Ps. Its not entirely free childcare either, I pay half my Mums mortgage so she is not worse off by looking after DD and they both benefit from having a lovely close relationship.

He can't be that bad nuttychic or you wouldn't have married him. Did you not look at MIL and realise that your DC could well take after her?! I always get a bit astounded at people who have not taken on board that their DC may be a mini MIL.
It makes me laugh when people are so uptight and insist on addressing MIL as if she is someone at a public meeting-all formal and terribly worthy!!

I'm not surprised people have problems! Has it not occurred to people that you are both vying for control. There is absolutely no need-you are the mother, you are in control, serenely let it wash over you! What on earth can the woman do? Nothing!
I think that it comes from the insecurity of being a first time mother. There are no fights between mother and MIL over strapping 6ft teenagers-if there was the teenager would look on in amazement!

I don't think there are problems if you don't sweat over the little things Beamur. I was imagining you giving your poor mother a manual of instructions.

I get on really well with my mil, but found it hard to acknowledge that my pfb was actually her close blood relation. As far as I was concerned, my dd was all mine, although I did let my dh have a tiny share!

I remember resenting visiting them, because she would literally try to take the baby as soon as we arrived, and I would feed as much as possible as a way to exert some control.

Looking back, I think she probably found it hard that her longed- for grandchild was finally there, and she was besotted with her, yet had me being like a possessive dragon who she had to get past.

Whereas her comments and talking behind your back are out-oforder, your mil obviously is besotted with your child, and at some point you will probably come to appreciate that. ( have to say, I was as possessive with my subsequent dc too - but it wears off).
What helped me was reading somewhere that we should remember that they might just be our annoying pils, but they are the other people in the world who would happily run into a burning house to rescue your child.

I would also advise that you don't get into the habit of seeing the pils every weekend - it can soon become expected of you.

A sensible post twooter.
MIL is your babies next of kin after parents and siblings. People seem to think that a grandparent doesn't matter to a DC and the mother can take the high handed view, 'talk to me the wrong way and you will never visit again' as if it is in the interests of the baby!! To cut them off because you are both fighting over a small being as if they are a possession is madness! At least twooter had the sense to see the baby is 'not all mine'.You are loaned them for a very short time.
Also very sensible not to get in habits with them. It is important to set the ground rules early on-but in a pleasant and friendly spirit. You have to give a little e.g. MIL can take her out in a pram around the block alone sort of thing.

I don't think that there is such a thing as a PFB but the poor little things certainly have to put up with PFParents and PFGrandparents. Luckily, by the time the baby is old enough to understand, they have relaxed a little-otherwise the baby would tell them I am not my baby and not my grandchild-I am Anna(or Max etc)!

@exoticfruits - I suspect you missed the humour there. I dont personally have an issue with my mil

Sorry nuttychic-I'm a bit thick sometimes
I got caugh up at the start where you sounded as if you were giving a presentation!
Smile and change the subject gives less leeway to the other person.

It is like anything. I was in the supermarket and a woman was blocking my way, 'I just said excuse me please', very mildly I thought. She said, in exaggerated tones 'I'm most terribly sorry' and because it didn't appear to register she got right in my face with 'I'm most terribly, terribly, terribly sorry'. I just smiled, said 'that's OK' and moved past.
I was quite pleased, I must have done a good impression of not getting it because at the checkout the woman said ' I think she was being sarcastic'!
It was much better-why have the aggro of me saying 'there is no need to be sarky' and probably getting into some long, pointless argument or slanging match?
It solved it-she had no comeback-how could she explain that she meant the opposite? Even if she had I would have said 'well thanks for letting me past' and moved on. It also has the satisfaction of knowing, that for all she knows, I thought she was giving a grovelling apology!

MIL are the same-don't rise to the bait -keep the high moral ground.

I can see now why I got nowhere with my DSs-time and again I would say 'ignore him-he is doing it to annoy' and they would rise to the bait every single time! I was expecting too much-most adults seem unable to resist-they must tell MIL what they think!
I don't see the point-you have control-whatever she does-you still have control. (MIL has the problem because she has never relinquished the control-something you need to start doing very early on!)

After all you are the Mother, there's no getting away from that fact. It trumps everyone and everything else. Or at least it should in the privacy of your own mind - if it doesn't then you really need to address your insecurities before you start blaming other people's behaviour.

Yup agree - but then do you just let people undermine you all the time? How is OP meant to react. When you're tired with a newborn do you really want to hear all this shit.

My mil did this and still does. I went from getting very bitter to very sarcastic and now I just laugh in her face. But I never got into into a competition with her even though she did with me and it's not fun for her being a competition of one.

Yup agree - but then do you just let people undermine you all the time? How is OP meant to react. When you're tired with a newborn do you really want to hear all this shit

I can't see why it is undermining. LeQueen has told her how to react! It is so simple-I can't see why people persist in reacting. I can see that you are tired and insecure, but she is one of your DCs closest relatives-no help to the baby to say 'mother doesn't want the shit-goodbye Grandma!'

Why bother laughing in her face? Smile pleasantly and ignore-without making it it plain.
I'm sure it all sorts itself out when people are back to normal and not so sensitive-it is just at it's worse when the baby is new.

My best advice is don't live too close!!