MiL making demands on how I care for DS

[fionathepink]

DS is 5 weeks old and is a delight. This week my MiL has gone from lovely to crossing the line between advice + telling me I'm wrong. I'm furious + don't know how to approach it when she turns up again this coming weekend (uninvited and ruining our plans but that's another issue).

At SiL's on sat night eating some food with DS asleep on my lap. MiL whisked him off me to cuddle him + he woke up screaming. MiL insisted he was hungry despite my feeding him 1 1/2 hour before. I explained he is settling into a routine + DH will calm him as he does at the same time each eve. MiL was having none of it, 5 min later still telling me I'm wrong + refusing to pass DS to DH, DH said 'just feed him' to avoid a full blown argument.

DH came into the room where I was calming DS a few min later to apologise + I said I wanted to go home as I'd just been totally undermined as the mother.

Next day MiL came to ours + dragged DH into the kitchen for a quiet word. I was playing with a calm, awake DS and let his great aunt hold him. MiL came out of the kitchen , followed by a furious DH, and MiL said 'look how calm he is in experienced hands, babies always know when they are with experienced people.'

I waited for an alone moment to ask DH what MiL wanted; to tell us DS was colicky (I think we'd have noticed that + be lacking more sleep) that I wasn't winding him post-feed (I am), produced a bottle of gripe water + insisted his next feed was bottle (I'm breastfeeding) to resolve the problem. DS is not colicky + only cries for a short time as he is having a growthj spurt. Plus, we don;t want to use gripe water if he was getting colic but try home remedies first (fennel + such). Instead of discussing our child with both of us, she is now going straight to DH + demanding she is right + I am not.

I asked DH why he didn't support me + pull her up about not discussing the colic in front of me, he said he didn't want a fight with his mum + is easier to put the gripe water away than create a rift. I am upset that MiL is showing she doesn't trust MY judgement with MY son. DH thinks I am being a little over-sensitive + MiL is just being well-meaning.

I have another weekend ahead of this + I'm dreading it.

Your dh needs to man up and defend your parenting choices.

Seriously. Nip this in the bud now!

ooo nasty comment.. experienced hands..

dh needs to stop being a coward and tell her to wind her neck in.. if he doesn't you need to point out to him that unless he sticks up for you, your relationship will be damaged and you will end up being resentful of mil and will no longer want to see her... ( a few more of those comments and you won't want to see her)

Sympathy, OP ... I had the same problem with my MIL ... Mouth in overdrive, brain in neutral. She's like a Daily Mail editorial made flesh at the best of times and teeny, tiny babies just seemed to bring out the worst in her.

I found the Grit-Your-Teeth/Smile/Nod/Totally Ignore method recommended above worked fine, and as DS1 pointed out while she was mauling DS2 ...
" Actually Nanny, that IS Mummy's baby ... "
( She dissed his slug collective and he never forgot! )

What a fantastic advocate to have, Fecklessdizzy! All hail your DS1!

:o @ plupervert ... If she'd just kept shtumm about the slugs he'd have stayed on the fence!

Sounds like the issue she really has is with the breastfeeding and maybe she wants the baby bottle fed so she can do some of the feeding / bonding. Also, (not sure how old she is) but some older women genuinely believe that bottle is better and aren't up to date about stuff like gripe water. Alternatively it may be that she can't tolerate any level of crying / grumbling and wants him quiet at all times. Older people can be surprisingly anxious around babies and children if they're crying and want to do anything to make it stop. No one has more experience with your baby than you, so trust your judgement and don't let her interfere.

at "experienced hands" but, wasn't it her hands he was in when he refused to settle? You might point that out. You've been a lot calmer than I would have been, at that point with my first anyone who criticised me was told to get "the fuck out of my house" in exactly those words... Fortunately most of them didn't take it to heart!

I don't have any advice, just that the best advice I was given was to smile and say thanks when given advice, then do whatever seems right to you. He's your baby, after all!

Don't make an excuse for the weekend. Just tell everyone that your baby is 5 weeks old and you've realised that you would like to have a couple of quiet days together as a family. Be very clear, ring MIL yourself and tell her specifically, after you've given your DH a read of this thread and a bit of a kick up the backside. Tell MIL that you really want the two days to yourself and that means no visitors including family. Make sure everyone abides by this, your side as well.
This should give you and DH a bit of time relaxing with your baby and a chance to agree about how to handle MIL longer term.

Is this her first grandchild?
While I think her behavious is unacceptible, it's worth remembering that the whole family dynamic is changing. How is her relationship with your DH? If they've been really close and she sees that slipping away as he learns to be a great Dad and your little family becoming a little unit that might not include her, maybe she's finding it really hard.
Ideally, this would be something that your DH would sort out with his Mum (goodness knows you've got enough to do right now), but maybe MIL just needs some reassurance that you do still want her in your life and that you really value her as a grandmother. Maybe she's having some sort of crisis about being old enough to be a grandmother.

haha... I love that DS1 piped up with that fecklessdizzy.

I just read the ingredients on the gripe water, even if he did have colic, I'm not giving him e numbers. That is going to be passed on to someone who will have a use for it before the weekend then she can ask me why it's not there.

It's so much easier with my own mother, I can tell her to not be so ridiculous and have an actual discussion about it.

i think some MIL's can lose their heads a little when they get a grandchild. Get a little carried away and forget about boundaries. Try try try to relax and ignre as much as you can, because in the long run no little quibble is worth ruining your child's relationship with it's grandparents. I know it's hard, and quite often you'll have to be the bigger person, but as long as she's just mouthing off and not doing anything to actually harm anyone then count to five, pass her the baby so she can coo and go and have a bath.

What's wrong with gripe water? Not a belligerent question, a real one, as I used it myself, and remember the feeling of relief it gave.

Incidentally, I recently gave gripe water to DS when he had a terrible stomach ache/wind. MIL was busy trying to give him tea which was (a) hot, so he was hysterically against it, (b) camomile, not fennel (camomile is her panacea, and I simply don't believe it does all she thinks), and (c) not in a syringe, as my gripe water was. I shot the gripe water in, and he did shriek, but he burped, and I was eventually able to fall asleep.

I tell that story partly as a follow on from the gripe water, but also to show a MIL getting distressed by a child's cries, and trying to urge a remedy on the mother, but the mother giving the child her own remedy nevertheless, and the MIL backing down. Because although she was well-meaning, and although camomile might have done the trick, I am DS's mother, and I know he hates hot things, I wanted to give him a remedy I trusted, and I wanted him to stop hurting ASAP. I was also taking the responsibility for the efficacity of the gripe water. If I had been wrong, we would have gone on to the camomile.

She is being totally out of order and you are not being sensitive - you have been an angel to put up with that! Tell your dh ti tell her in NO UNCERTAIN terms her behaviour is unacceptable and will NOT be tolerated.

Oops, missed the post about e-numbers.

DS gets e-numbers in his soya chocolate anyway, and I was impressed that it actually worked, so won't regret it for myself....

HOWEVER, you are definitely right to do as you prefer, and even using gripe water myself, I fully support your decision not to want it, not to mention all the other stuff. (Also, 5 weeks is rather young for e-numbers! )

And at five weeks, is breastfeeding even established enough, to risk messing about with supply by bottle-feeding?

I think the biggest problem is that she is taking your husband aside & whispering with him-& he´s letting her!

There shouldn´t be anything that she wants to say about baby that she can´t say in front of you.

Why didn´t anyone tell her he was probably crying because she "whisked him away"?

If your DH hasn't yet stepped in - then don't wait any longer & handle the situation yourself. She clearly feels that she's in charge of you and the baby, and you need to turn the tables. You are in charge of the baby, and anyone around the baby: MIL included!

The next time you see her be up front. "I know you enjoy spending time with DS... and I know you have your own views about how best to care for him, but DH and I think we're getting on ok on our own." Look her dead in the eye & if she comes back with any "I'm the only one with any real experience" nonsense, take it up a notch: "No. Actually, you're not. And my experience is pretty recent."

I've nothing against gripe water, just e numbers. But I also think do what works, is the best thing. DS doesn't have colic so doesn't need it. He rarely cries and I feel very fortunate for that. DH and I decided we would try other remedies before hitting the pharmacy. So far my drinking fennel tea like there's no tomorrow seems to have prevented gas build up (or could be a placebo effect? don't care if DS is happy).

If he develops colic in future + the tips from my natural baby book don't work then I'm sure I'll be off to the chemist. I just wish MiL had taken the time to discuss with both of us first before buying.

You could remind her of your earlier conversation when she said she hated it when her mother interfered?

I hope your reply is a cross-post, but just let me stress: I totally support you in doing what you decide, even in spite of my choosing gripe water on this occasion. I'm also impressed you standing up for your own analysis of what is wrong with him. Keep doing that. Black Swan's: "my experience is pretty recent" is excellent, too.

Good luck with the resolution!

I was going to put in my advice and see that LeQueen has said it all! Always smile, never argue, always do it your way. In the end they get the message and respect you!

The words fuck off should do it.
I wish I'd had the guts to say it to all the people who believed they had the right to tell me I was doing things wrong. Especially those who think everything will be solved by giving a breastfeeding baby a bottle!
Trust your instincts as a mother. Good luck!

You can't argue with someone who is pleasant and won't argue and won't take advice! The broken record of one sentence and a quick change of subject works! (it takes longer with some people than others)

Oh it was cross post - my connection is slow

For MIL nod and smile and ignore.

Your DH is the problem though, you need to make sure he understands that you are the Mum now and that you won't be pushed around.

From what I see on here MILs are rarely the problem, spineless DHs are.