MiL making demands on how I care for DS

[fionathepink]

DS is 5 weeks old and is a delight. This week my MiL has gone from lovely to crossing the line between advice + telling me I'm wrong. I'm furious + don't know how to approach it when she turns up again this coming weekend (uninvited and ruining our plans but that's another issue).

At SiL's on sat night eating some food with DS asleep on my lap. MiL whisked him off me to cuddle him + he woke up screaming. MiL insisted he was hungry despite my feeding him 1 1/2 hour before. I explained he is settling into a routine + DH will calm him as he does at the same time each eve. MiL was having none of it, 5 min later still telling me I'm wrong + refusing to pass DS to DH, DH said 'just feed him' to avoid a full blown argument.

DH came into the room where I was calming DS a few min later to apologise + I said I wanted to go home as I'd just been totally undermined as the mother.

Next day MiL came to ours + dragged DH into the kitchen for a quiet word. I was playing with a calm, awake DS and let his great aunt hold him. MiL came out of the kitchen , followed by a furious DH, and MiL said 'look how calm he is in experienced hands, babies always know when they are with experienced people.'

I waited for an alone moment to ask DH what MiL wanted; to tell us DS was colicky (I think we'd have noticed that + be lacking more sleep) that I wasn't winding him post-feed (I am), produced a bottle of gripe water + insisted his next feed was bottle (I'm breastfeeding) to resolve the problem. DS is not colicky + only cries for a short time as he is having a growthj spurt. Plus, we don;t want to use gripe water if he was getting colic but try home remedies first (fennel + such). Instead of discussing our child with both of us, she is now going straight to DH + demanding she is right + I am not.

I asked DH why he didn't support me + pull her up about not discussing the colic in front of me, he said he didn't want a fight with his mum + is easier to put the gripe water away than create a rift. I am upset that MiL is showing she doesn't trust MY judgement with MY son. DH thinks I am being a little over-sensitive + MiL is just being well-meaning.

I have another weekend ahead of this + I'm dreading it.

I agree it's important to get on with family but why should a new mother (remember her DS is only 5 weeks ols) should have to listen to someone telling her that she's a crap mother, that's she wrong when explaining her routine and then being criticised behind her back?

I think people are jumping on the op because it involves the dreaded MIL issue.
Take the OP's 1st post and replace the words MIL with sister/friend/SIL. How U is the OP then?

People are full of advice when you have a baby ,some good ,some bad, just take the good advice and ignore the bad

worked for me

There's advice and there's being told what you're doing is wrong though. Not quite the same thing!

Well, I actually agree with your MIL that your baby may well have been hungry when he woke up even though he had been fed an hour and a half previously.

Your MIL has gone about it the wrong way obviously, but I dislike the general consensus that people who had already had families have no advice to offer those who are parents for the first time. You say you are implementing a routine so are clearly happy to listen to various baby gurus from books....

I'm not saying you have to take everything she says on board but just smile and nod and don't dismiss everything she says. She's not a cretin.

Yes the baby could have been hungry-but perhaps MIL disturbing him whilst sleeping made him cry?

Why do people pick up a settled baby?

youare going to have to stand up to this matriarch, tell her dc is your baby and you know what is best, while you are greatful for her advice, and it has been noted and that she can stick it . however you will do things your way. if she won't respect that, you wil have to ask her not to visit

tell dh to man up, hes an adult

my father IL became a breast feeding expert when ds1 was born, I got so fed up I asked him for a demonstration

I agree entirely with LeQueen's last 2 posts.
Body language says a lot. In the first place, when MIL took the screaming baby OP shouldn't have asked to have him back-she should just have calmly and firmly said 'I'll take him now' with the assured body language that says that she has every expectation of getting him. If MIL doesn't get it she simply says, with a baffled look and calmly 'I am going to change him,or he likes a walk when distressed ...or similar'. (develop a look that says I expect to be obeyed-it will come in handy with DC later!)
With the gripe water she should just say, 'I'm not intending to use it' and change the subject, there is no need to explain or justify. If she goes back to it just look baffled and say mildly 'I'm not intending to use it-now what were we talking about?'
With great aunt just smile and say 'I'm so pleased that she is seeing him in a good mood'.
Don't get drawn in.

I am not surprised that people have such problems with MIL if you are so confrontational. You both love DH-whatever is the point in souring relationships and dividing loyalties? You have to have a relationship with the woman so find a way of getting on. If she wants to have power struggles don't play the game. People are just like my DSs, they know how to wind each other up and they raise to the bait everytime! Don't raise to the bait and it is pointless for her to play!

you wil have to ask her not to visit

This is your DH's mother-not a casual acquaintance! How is that going to help your DH-banning a woman he loves?!! Depriving your DCs of a grandmother (incidentally a woman they may take after more than you) all because you can't find a pleasant way of doing your own thing-without entering a childish power struggle!!

I always just pretend I'm listening and completely discount anything I don't think is relevant advice once the other person's back is turned.

My father tells me constantly that I spoil our baby so I just nod and smile, let him say his piece and get on with doing it the way I think is best! Sod your MiL: you have the mummy instincts and I bet you've read books and decided for yourself what your parenting style will be so stick to your guns and enjoy your baby x

gkys wish i had thought of that when i was bf my first:)

if you are bf on demand your baby will want to feed when it suits him, if he is anything like my dcs and he will be not be aware of clocks and timing. my mil found this a hard one, she was quite firm that i should leave him to scream to teach him a lesson- what at a week old! i just ignored her and smiled as i got my boobs out until ds was 18 months and dd 2yra

your baby too is only 5 weeks, growing fast, wants to bf all the time and if he senses you are stressed will certainly want to have you cuddle him and bf, not sure about the bottle, sounds crazy, but she probaby bottle fed so wants to hold the baby and feed him-also she knows all about that. just say no, end of chat.

tell dh that you have just had a baby and he needs to back you up, ie stop whispering in the kitchen, he can just be nice and say everyone has a different way and you are happy with your choice. if it doesn't work, ie lots of screaming, take the baby calmly out of the room where the stress is starting ie mil getting all pursed mouth and flexing her hands to take over, and go to your bedroom or somewhere to deal with it. come back when you are ready, even if you do end up bf lying down with a good book for an hour:)

(oh- keep gripe water in the fridge, it works better and you can try laying baby on your lap or head on your shoulder and massaging his tummy)

you can say outloud and this shouldn't upset her, if you get in first and before any comments, that you don;t mind her giving advice but pls not be offended or nag if you don;t take it.. she did it different in her day. as an poster has said, she is outspoken, so you must be for all your sanity.. and for you to trust her with the baby if you are not there, ie, do it your way with food etc.

just change the subject. ie why are you bf in public why aren';t you sqautting in the toilet? you can say , its ok mil, no one can see, go for a walk and come back if you like. anyway, how is your diet going?

sorry for the long post, yyou sound like you won;t back down and are doing a grand job:)

People make the big mistake of thinking that you have to explain and/or justify-you don't have to do either. Smile, make statements (politely) and change the subject.

I think you have to state very calmly to MIL in the presence of your DH that you will be making the choices for your child and you will not be undermined, nor will you have her having quite words with your DH on what to do with your child, yes she has benn there done that and yes you are a new mother and no matter how much we think we know the truth of the matter is we are all learning so sometimes advice is needed, however I think your MIL has over stepped the mark, while your at it tell your DH to grow a pair

LeQueen said the same thing, RunAwayWife in her post of 16.21 but it was far more subtle, not confrontational and got the message across loud and clear.
The first rule with DCs is don't get locked in confrontation-I think it is a good rule for all adults and especially DIL/MIL.

Lequeen is spot on. Take the long view.

If you tell your MIL where to stick her advice now your relationship with her may never recover, which will be bad news for your DH, your sprog and your chances of ever getting a night off with free babysitting.

I don't like mine much and don't rate her advice at all but I'm making bloody sure she doesn't find out as she and DP have a bit of a stormy past and he really doesn't need me putting the boot in as well.

Just take a deep breath and think that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar!

Appalling behaviour, you are doing so well to keep calm.

I think your DH has to tell her that she has crossed the line and if she wants to see her grandson she is going to have to be careful about what she speaks. Say that some things are totally non negotiable.

a) baby is breastfed and will not be having bottles of milk gripe water or anything else unless medical need, which there isn't
b) baby will not be feed until earlier of 3 hours or if he appear to be hungry (incidentally it was constantly feeding even when not hungry that GAVE my DD colic)
c) If he is asleep whether on you/DH or in cot/buggy he is not to be moved.

You have to nip this in the bud now because there are so many others things she can comment on in the future..

Why on earth do you need to explain or justify what you do?! Just tel her, with a smile and change the subject. I really don't understand why you have to explain. Simply say 'I'm not using gripewater' and change the subject.

Confrontation gets you nowhere except more confrontation. Justify it and it gives her a chance to come back with her justification for her views.Don't justify it and there is no further conversation.

It is the same on MN, I am forthright in my views,it gets me into a lot of trouble-if I rattle people enough they get very unpleasant! In RL I sweetly keep my views to myself,do my own thing and get my own way! Works a dream.

I haven't read all of the thread, so sorry if I'm repeating.
Its a real shame your MIL has taken such a stupid and undermining attitude to you, she sounds a nightmare. Grannyzilla...
I'd be furious if my Mum or MIL had done this to me.
My Mum looked after my DD for 2 days a week when I went back to work but it was on the understanding that 'my baby, my rules' which she has always respected and not challenged (even if she disagreed with me).
Like some people have said, you will be offered all kinds of advice, some good some not so good - with the well meant but out of date advice, I usually listened then gently countered with that might have been how it used to be done, but current advice has changed. Or said nothing and then carried on with however DP and I had decided to do something.

I think your DH has to tell her that she has crossed the line and if she wants to see her grandson she is going to have to be careful about what she speaks

This is the sort of controlling attitude that makes people bad MIL in the first place. This is his mother ! Do you really want your future DIL to cut off contact because she doesn't agree with you?!
It will all blow over anyway once the DC gets beyond a baby-people only seem so precious in the first few months with all the talk of my baby as if it a possession. You don't get parents of teenagers saying to grandparents that they will never see them again if they dare express an opinion!

Do you not think the grandchild will be a bit upset to not have a grandmother and find out it was because the mother couldn't let a bit of advice go in one ear and out the other! I would be a bit miffed if I wasn't seeing a grandmother over gripewater and a few insensitive remarks! I might think they should have both been adults!

My Mum looked after my DD for 2 days a week when I went back to work but it was on the understanding that 'my baby, my rules' which she has always respected and not challenged (even if she disagreed with me).
If you are getting free childcare you can't dictate what happens when you are not there!

Sorry if I missed this, but is this your first child? If so, perhaps that's why she's stepping in with her suggestions

I'd say look at the bigger picture and try not to be too easily offended. I agree you should make it clear from early on that this is your child and you'll do things your way, but no need to pick fights about it

In many cultures people value the wisdom of older generations.

But I agree the comment about experienced parents was out of order

I hate confrontation so I'd probably chicken out by using the baby as a go-between.

You know the sort of thing.... with a smile and a "Goo goo" type voice..... "Aww, we like to do things OUR way, don't we sweetheart? Yes, we do-ooooo...." and "Aww, listen to Granny, she's sounding like her own Mum, interfering! Yes, she is...."

i had a terriblke c-s, and was trying to hold my huge nb the first day wih catherter and pain, massive loss of blood and trying to bf when my mum turned up and before she sat down, the first thing out of her mouth was " you aren't holding that baby properley, why don;t they teach you ? you will drop him, look at him, he wants a nurse, poor little thing" dh wasn't there, thankfully. i said " if you can't think of anything nice to say, please go away" she said "i;m trying to help with best for baby". i shoudkl have just smiled and asked her to go get me tea, food, more tea. and not got into a fight. its so stressful and not good for your karma... lots of great advice here, will be applying it myself as have terrible temper and can be very snappy:(