MiL making demands on how I care for DS

[fionathepink]

DS is 5 weeks old and is a delight. This week my MiL has gone from lovely to crossing the line between advice + telling me I'm wrong. I'm furious + don't know how to approach it when she turns up again this coming weekend (uninvited and ruining our plans but that's another issue).

At SiL's on sat night eating some food with DS asleep on my lap. MiL whisked him off me to cuddle him + he woke up screaming. MiL insisted he was hungry despite my feeding him 1 1/2 hour before. I explained he is settling into a routine + DH will calm him as he does at the same time each eve. MiL was having none of it, 5 min later still telling me I'm wrong + refusing to pass DS to DH, DH said 'just feed him' to avoid a full blown argument.

DH came into the room where I was calming DS a few min later to apologise + I said I wanted to go home as I'd just been totally undermined as the mother.

Next day MiL came to ours + dragged DH into the kitchen for a quiet word. I was playing with a calm, awake DS and let his great aunt hold him. MiL came out of the kitchen , followed by a furious DH, and MiL said 'look how calm he is in experienced hands, babies always know when they are with experienced people.'

I waited for an alone moment to ask DH what MiL wanted; to tell us DS was colicky (I think we'd have noticed that + be lacking more sleep) that I wasn't winding him post-feed (I am), produced a bottle of gripe water + insisted his next feed was bottle (I'm breastfeeding) to resolve the problem. DS is not colicky + only cries for a short time as he is having a growthj spurt. Plus, we don;t want to use gripe water if he was getting colic but try home remedies first (fennel + such). Instead of discussing our child with both of us, she is now going straight to DH + demanding she is right + I am not.

I asked DH why he didn't support me + pull her up about not discussing the colic in front of me, he said he didn't want a fight with his mum + is easier to put the gripe water away than create a rift. I am upset that MiL is showing she doesn't trust MY judgement with MY son. DH thinks I am being a little over-sensitive + MiL is just being well-meaning.

I have another weekend ahead of this + I'm dreading it.

You will get in a terrible mess of family relationships if you take Knackeredmother's advice-much better for all, mainly DC, if you take LeQueens

You need to stand up for yourself sharpish, or she will continue to walk all over you. I'd be absolutely furious with my husband if he let this go on. He needs to make it clear to his mum that he supports you, and if he doesn't then he is a poor excuse for a husband.

It's outrageous that she sneaking off to the kitchen to whisper to your husband about your baby and excluding you from the conversation. Really, why are you putting up with this shit? Some things are worth arguing over.

Tell you husband that you are not having this any more, that you will not be tiptoeing around his mother for fear of upsetting her and if he doesn't do the right thing by you, you will be letting her have it with both barrels.

And then, stand by your word

I agree with the other posts, and feel really sorry for you having been in a similar situation myself with other people. However one thing I will say is that with breastfeeding it is actually possible the baby is hungry 1.5 hours after a feed at 5 weeks old. I say this as a bfing support worker. However, it was not mil's place to say this (any more than it is mine, really, but on an internet forum I think it is different and thought you might like to consider this, but please ignore if you want!) and for her to muscle in like this is rude. Agree your dh needs to have a word.

From what I see on here MILs are rarely the problem, spineless DHs are.

Exactly-they need to start standing up to controlling mothers at a young age.

I did the same LeQueen-I really don't know why people go in for aggro and power struggles-the person who stays sweet and smiley keeps the high moral ground.
It is only advice and you can't be made to take it, but there is no harm in listening when they have said their bit you can deflect it (politely) on to different lines.
It ended up with MIL making it a virtue as in 'exotic knows her own mind'!

OMG honey, you need to sit down with DH and MIL and approach it as the bigger person and tell them that you need to discuss the situation as adults and not tempestuous children.

Tell them both that whilst you value her opinion, you feel that as DS's mother you have to find your own feet and way with him as you are sure she had to once upon a time, and tell her that if in future she has an issue you would much rather she came to both of you rather than just DH to discuss as adults.

Make it clear though that your decisions that i'm sure you make with DH about DS are final and not to be underminded by by her.

Agree with mummyfirst, adding only a comment to remind MIL how she felt when she was a new mum, and whether she knew it or not she was making you feel the same way.

Reassure her that you are all on the same side, but that pulling people aside and telling rather than listening and asking if any help is needed is not the way to go.

Draw a line here and now OP, say that you are DS mother and ultimately the last decision is yours, but that at the forefront of your mind is his well being. Tell them both that this is your clear and stated position, and that there is no ill will to anyone, but that you are not going to have a repeat of last weekend.

All you then have to do is remind them of the conversation.

OP Just wait until weaning with the veganism

good luck this weekend

OP you sound like you know what you are doing to me.

I am very experienced. I have had five whole children. Tell you MIL that. Tell her someone far more experienced than her thinks you are doing just fine.

Then stick your tongue out and go ner ner.

Or follow the sensible boring advice given.

Do exactly as LeQueen has stated.

If you go in all guns blazing then she can claim the moral high-ground but if you start crying or screaming then she can claim you are being over-sensitive.

She is being a bitch. I would insist that DH grow a pair and expalin that the rift will be much bigger if matters aren't taken into hand now. I'm not advocating being rude (at first), but you need to firmly stand up for yourself or she is only going to get worse.

Yikes I don't envy you that nightmare.

LeQueens way is so simple-having these discussions is all very well if DH is firmly on your side, but if he is a peace keeper who doesn't want to upset his mum you will find it more difficult. Smile sweetly, change the subject and do your own thing.

And I just wanted to say it does make a difference if your DH is on side.
My MIL lives in New Zealand and came to visit when dd was three months. Obviously, coming all that way, she's going to stay for a while. A month, in fact. DH went out to work, so MIL and I spent a lot of time on our own together. Now, I am extremely fond of my MIL. She is a really lovely lady and I am very thankful that I have married into such a lovely family. But a month, not long after the biggest upheaval of my life, tested it all a bit.

She too insisted that bottle feeding would be the way forwards. I endured it for the first few days, using the smile, nod, ignore technique, and I tried to explain that no, we had chosen to breastfeed and having struggled at first and succeeded we were going to continue, but with no break from each other I was getting annoyed. Then she mentioned it to my DH. I was again lucky because I had dragged him along to the breastfeeding baby class at the local hospital where we had been given all the reasons why Breast is Best. He went in totally indifferent and came out a heavyweight advocate for breastfeeding. I had already mentioned to him that his mum kept going on about bottles but he didn't really get involved at that stage (nor had I asked him to!). Then she said something to him and he smiled at her and said 'Thanks Mum, but we are going to carry on with breast feeding as everyone at the hopsital recommended it and now it's working for us, it's the best option.' Never heard any more about it. But it needed to come from her own son, not me, for her to get the message.

I did however ask a few questions to try and establish why she was so persistant, without turning it into a confrontation (again, easy to do because my MIL is such a sweetheart!).

1. She had a limited time with her new GD - a month, and then it was likely to be a while before seeing her again. She thought bottle feeding would give her more time with the baby. Fair enough. So, while she stayed, we got into a routine where I would wake up and give DD her first feed, and then pop her across the hall and into bed with MIL, and leave them to it for an hour or so, as well as making sure she got plenty of cuddles during the day. In fact, about the only time I held my baby during that month was during feeding!
2. All her daughters (my DH has several older sisters) bottle fed their kids. We have had minor disagreements, where if I say that I am planning to do x, y or z she says 'well that's not what we did and my kids turned out ok so it can't be wrong'. She seems a bit sensitive about implications that doing things a different way means you think she (or her daughters, my SILs) did them wrong and I just make sure that I don't use that sort of language. I don't talk about good choices and bad choices, just choices, and I say lots of comments along the lines of 'Each to their own' and 'whatever works - we all have to do whatever gets us through' (imagine a 'we're all in it together' type of shared grin!).

The point of that last bit is to maybe think about whether there is something else that is bothering your MIL (does she feel,like mine did, that she is not getting a chance to bond with the baby?) and try and address that.

Having said that, I think the 'experience' comment is well out of line. I think a knowing smile at the baby and 'I have lots of experience with this little chap' might save your sanity and give her a message! But really, your DP needs to be supporting you here - tell him so, or tell him that it will spoil your relationship with your MIL, in which case his son's relationship with her will be difficult. Paint that picture so that he understands the seriousness of it. Hope you find a solution.

No, if you lay it out there, on the line and say this is how it is, all a weak H has to do is agree. She can moan, he can shrug, but the situation is set.

refusing to pass DS to DH that right there is the no go line. I wouldn't trust someone with my child who would not give them back when asked.

No, but if you see your infant crying and you know you can comfort them, and you ask whoever is holding them (MIL or not) to give them back and they refuse, it's just not on.

Agree LeQueen ..its almost as if some DILs can't wait to find something to have a bitch about their evil MILs

Just smile ,nod and do your own thing

I couldn't be doing with all the drama and falling out

I simply can't imagine how anyone would feel able to refuse to give a baby back to the parent... unbelievable.

But support the smile sweetly and ignore strategy.

LeQueen fwiw, I get on really well with both of my MILs, even if they don't always agree with how I raise my children.
I meant that when a parent asks for their child back, and someone refuses (anyone, for that matter) for me, that crosses a line.

Can you're SIL help? Does she have any dc?

I had the first grandchild and had to do a certain amount of training with mil, I stood my ground and luckily DH supported me.

She's has a BA (Hons) in offering an unwanted opinion and an MA in stating the bl**ding obvious, so she needs firm handling.

My two sils have now had dc and I try to head off her comments before they reach my sil ears (she'll often grumble to me first) and I make a point of reminding her that there's more than one way of doing things.

I think you really need to sit down with your DH as soon as possible to discuss your parenting approach/style, you need a united front.

I do think it is really important to get on with family. Both DH and I have had family that are difficult, but we find ways to make it work.