'people whi judge should be ashamed of themselves'. wdyt?

[Cat98]

Sorry for picking on a particular quote, but I saw this on another thread, and I wondered what other people thought. Personally - I agree that generally, openly judging other people isn't a nice thing to do. Also it could be hypocritical - nobody is perfect, and there could be an area of your life that would be judged, too. However, I do think that to some extent it is human nature to judge. Do some people honestly never make a private judgement about the actions of someone else? Be it a friend or a total stranger? I have become less judgey since becoming a parent myself, and since reading mumsnet! But I can honestly say I do still judge sometimes and I can't imagine anyone who doesn't, ever. So do you exist, total non-judgers? Because you are better people than I am!

Bonsoir - sorry but WTF?!

Great question OP, you wrote down my own thoughts, thank you!

Fascinated by the responses!

'People who judge should be ashamed of themselves' Isn't that being judgemental about people who judge?

There's no escape. Everyone does. It's whether you say it out loud that's the clincher. It's only with the fairly recent invention of online chat sites that people now have the option of voicing their judgements to a large audience without saying it in rl.

I agree it's normal to judge (inwardly)

The bunfights happen because different people have different things on their judgypants radar.

I inwardly judge over many things, muffin tops, camel toes and the like but I like to think I would openly express disaproval over things like racism, bullying and theft.

I try not to judge but it's human nature I think.

I thought I wasn't that judgy then I read this thread.......

My good god!

asses and analyse would be a better way than judge. As you say we are all human and imperfect....what about court judges judging, not too happy with some of those geezers

Judging criteria changes so much over the years though. For example, in the 1930s you probably wouldn't be judged much for smoking while pregnant, but you would be judged harshly for not being married to your baby's dad. Now it's the other way round.

It IS normal to judge otehrs of course; equally it's a pretty basic niceness that allows people to think of reasons and not be ansty to anyone who ahs not met soem random standard.

So- if someone sees ds1 aged 11 crawling abrking in a shop people are going to judge; I also expect them to engage e=intellecta dn work out that tehre's a high chance that there's some other factor in play (in his case ASD).

Or peple tutting at school that we are late might perhaps wonder if there's a reason given it's always (in fact we have agreed with head as ds1 strugles in the pre school crowds so we arrive just a few minutes after)

OTOH those same judging emchanisms DO help society along in other ways; so a family without special agreements really shouldn't be late, if I get tutted at that teh agrden is a mess it amkes me get out there and sort it becuase it escapes my mind.........

Not judging is weird although I try and aim for it in terms of trying not to judge without full knowledge of facts; judging without engaging brain has potential for great cruelty though.

What would you say if your 19yr old nephew who hasn't got a job, never held one down, has got his girlfriend pregnant? No where to live but with my divorced brother.

No I didn't judge because its the norm, these days. Plus I can't be bothered.

If more people judged unacceptable behaviour, , behaviour that causes harm to others, behaviour deeply antisocial, criminal behaviour, abusive behavour, rude and ignorant behaviour, selfish behaviour... perhaps the world would not be going to hell in a handcart.

this ^^

There is a difference between judging and disapproving.

Judging is simply an act of assessment and weighing up, it can't be bad in and of itself.

'Though I think it is important to remember that morality is, to a greater or less extent, something that is afforded more easily by the rich.

Hahahahaha

Oh those immoral Quakers, charity workers volunteering their time for free in palces of great desperation, religious groupings (depends on definition of morals there), unpaid carers helping their neighbours out, etc etc etc

morality varies to a degree between social groupings perhaps but income based? Nah.

Unless you eman such things as endeavouring to purchase certain products that are ethical which certainly may be open to only those from certain income brackets but that dosn;t mean the poorer people don't feel the issue, just can't conform.

Judge Judy is a Goddess (in the Classical sense)

Whatever she proclaims, is so.

'What would you say if your 19yr old nephew who hasn't got a job, never held one down, has got his girlfriend pregnant? No where to live but with my divorced brother.

No I didn't judge because its the norm, these days. Plus I can't be bothered.
'

it's NOT a norm these days, not in my world anyway

however: what would I say?

initially I might cats bum then I would endeavour to remind myself that babies are individuals that exist outside of their parent's perceived behaviour and that family ideally has duties so what can I do to help?

I am very judgemental. I know what I approve of and don't. And I am brilliant at many things, crap at many others, and adverage at most. At I don't mind at all others judging me. I kind of assume everyone will.
And I may or may not agree. Its fine. Can't see the problem myself.

There are many things thta people can't agree on. So you just have to let it go. Step away. For example, one of mine is affairs. I don't think anyone could ever persaude me that affairs are o.k.

Yeah, I judge all the time. So sue me.

But my mum raised me with enough manners to keep these thoughts to myself, and know when it is and isn't appropriate to comment. I'm sure I get judged too, it's normal.

Do you know what? When my niece started to tell me, I thought 'Oh no, he hasn't got cancer or something!' At least it wasn't awful news.

I recently lost a brother suddenly and I haven't got the energy to protest.

I'm sorry it is the norm.

When it comes to morals being only for the rich, I think one has to define terms more clearly. What is 'rich'? For instance, I earn a comfortable living and so I pay my gas bill on time, pay for my food at the market, pay for presents at christmas etc. On the other hand, I have met people who have very little or no income and so fix their gas meter, avoid paying train fares wherever possible and shoplift their food. Whenever the 'morality is for the rich' debate is raised those are the terms of my thinking.

On the other hand, I have known very wealthy people with extremely lax morals who will break a range of laws and social codes to get their kicks.

It is an interesting debate but I think it muddy's the waters of this thread a little.

I think the quality of judgement or even being judgemental is an evolutionary essential. We're a community animal and we need to live among 'people like us', all pulling in the same direction, to be successful as a species.

I have a whole list of things that I would judge, I also have a whole list of things that aren't worth judging. It's not the judging that is the problem it's the subject matter. Sometimes things aren't worth judging individually but put them together and it becomes essential to judge.

For instance I wouldn't judge A smoker, a single parent, someone with a tattoo, an unemployed person, someone shouting at their child (I would actually). I would judge an unemployed, smoking, tattoo ridden parent who was shouting at their child.

We all judge, I think it is natural and healthy to do so. It's essential that we judge for society to operate - we all agree, for example that certain acts should be judged as criminal and dealt with accordingly.

Having said that, the trick is to know when judging is necessary, and should result in you intervening, and when it is a guilty pleasure. So, I judge my neighbours because they bought a dog, and are now neglecting it because it is not a cute puppy anymore - in that case, I judge and I intervene. However, my neighbour decides to wear a pair of trousers better suited to someone half her age and at least half her arse size - I have a secret little judge to amuse myself (knowing she will prob judge right back when I next go out in Top shop shirt designed for waif like teen, rather than portly, married mother of one in her 30s

Can we just have a "what Hecate says" emoticon to save me typing it every time?

We all judge. It's just that we judge different things. And the people who take pleasure into launching into the "How very dare you judge this person for A, B or C?" is clearly not secure enough in their own ideas/feelings/moral judgements and has to resort to rawping at anyone else who doesn't share that view.

I was told off my very first month on MN on a thread for saying "what is wrong with you all, how can you possibly think this situation is OK?" (can't remember now but it was one of those threads where every excuse under the sun and then more besides is trotted out to explain some arsewittery)

Judging is simply having the brains to have an opinion and the balls to express it. (within the realms of correct internet behaviour of course )