Would this be a deal breaker with your sister, genuine advice needed.

[kitty4paws]

I have posted before about this but I had the threads removed as they had to much personal information on them , but I would really appreciate some advice.

In summary DH has severe short term memory problems. Can?t remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

He was originaly diagnosed with dementia but now it is thought to be functional amnesia, no change in his symptoms, just in his diagnosis. But thank god NOT dementia.

DH has spent a lot of time round at MY Sister?s house (His SIL)

I found out by total, total accident that :

a) My sister obtained a signed letter from DH to access DH?s medical notes. DH can not remember having signed a letter at all but I trust / believe that he signed it under his own volition.

b) My sister was due to attend an appointment (without DH or myself being asked to attend) to speak to DH?s GP about DH?s medical notes. DH can not remember even making an appointment but again I have to trust that the appointment was made by my DH.

DH puts all sorts of stuff in his phone so that afterwards he can ?remember?. He calls the phone his ?brain?. He knows that I look through it regularly so I know what?s going on when I am not with him.

No entry in his phone AT ALL about either the notes or the appointment though other medcial stuff he has discussed at my sister?s has been put in his phone.

DH can not remember what he said to my sister (of course) but has NEVER asked anyone else to keep anything from me (the TOTAL opposite is true).

I have had various heated ?discussions? via e-mail with my sister, trying to sort all of this out.

I have asked the following question (Via e-mail (from me) and signed letter (from DH) )

?Did DH specifically say that I was NOT to be told about the notes / GP appointment ??

My sister refuses to answer. She has stated in other e-mails that :

? I do not have to justify my actions in any way?

? My conversations with DH are private and confidential? Though it is ok for the man she cares for to be present for all the conversations ( she is a live-in-carer)

Also (BEFORE the change in diagnosis to functional amnesia) she did not inform me of other medical information and she said that was reasonable because

? at that time I did not see DH?s memory problem as dementia?

Soooooo apparently a man with no memory can ?chose? to tell me stuff and she is deciding his diagnosis rather than his consultant

I have made sure that DH (and his medical information) is ?safe? and my sister has backed off from contact with DH but she expects that over time it will all be ok (the usual way ?stuff? is handled in our family e.g. don?t talk about it just wait untill it all just sort of ?goes away?)

WWYD ?
What reasonable explaination might she have for refusing to give the information?
Would her refusal to answer this be a ?deal breaker? ?
Would you end your relationship with your sister over this ?
Advice greatly appreciated.

Hi Kitty, I remember your previous posts..

Glad to hear that the diagnosis has changed, hopefully there will be some sort of recovery?

As for your sister, I would disown her. I said that originally to you and I stand by it. God knows what her motives are, but they certainly are not bourne out of sisterly love towards you. She sounds underhand and nasty.

Just going on what you've said, I'd be outraged at her behaviour.

Why the fuck would she be doing that?

It would end the relationship for me because it seems she has a somewhat underhand or even sinister interest in your DH and is using his memory loss to do whatever she's up to.

Your role in this as I see it is to protect your vulnerable DH from her.

I also remember your previous thread and I'm afraid I too would kick her to the kerb. I remain sure she's up to something even if I can't quite put my finger on what.

Ditch her. You have quite enough to worry about.

x-post with you squeaky, interesting we'd both describe it as underhand.

Usually you can think of scenarios where there's an innocent explanation to an OP, but I can't think of anything.

Squeaky toy,

If it were "Just" a friend I would, without hesitation , but it's the fallout withinthe family I just fear. Already another sister who I know knows about this situation from my sisters view point has "decided" that the financial assistance she was offering to help us convert our house more to DH's needs is not "right at this time"

SO I worry that my sister will put the saga in hre own words and make ME look like the one in the wrong

I am totally flummoxed by this and cannot begin to understand what she thinks she is doing? What possible business is it of hers what your dh's medical notes are. I would ensure that your doctors surgery has a note to not speak to her as she has absolutely no right to any of this info. I am sorry to say that, yes, I think this would be a deal breaker. Even if she gave you her reasons, I am having a hard time thinking what would justify this. So sorry but glad to hear that you have had a more positive diagnosis.

As others have said. poor you.

i also remember your previous thread. hard to forget your sister.

i know it's so easy to say, but honestly her behaviour is very, very odd. i think you have enough on your plate without having to deal with her, so i'd advise you to let it go and limit contact with her as much as possible.

now that she's backed off, take full advantage.

has she always been like this?

Pixie
His notes are safe, she wanted to see his notes so she could tell him what was wrong with him ( apparently 3 consultants wern't enough for her )

Just on the surface of it, I thought you were going to say she's a doctor or something and is questioning the diagnosis and treatment (if there is any) of your DH, and thought the 'care' he was getting from you was somehow lacking.

Giving her a reason to go behind your back for the good of your DH.

Is she a health professional thinking she knows better?

I remember your thread as well. Great news that they think it's not dementia.

The way your sister has behaved is bizarre and completely unacceptable. I would have nothing more to do with her.

I honestly can not for the life of me see, how on earth, anyone could possibly take her side over yours on this issue. (unless there is something we dont know, and I am not for a moment suggesting that there is).

You are his wife, you are the first and most important person in his life, and if it were any woman other than your sister, I would say there was an affair going on, or she had plans for that to happen.

What was your relationship with your sister like prior to any of this? and what was your husbands relationship with her like?

What do your parents think of it all?

Warthog

I believe ( well I have to really) that she THINKS everything she has done is for the best.

I am now doubting myself and begining to think that I must have taken it all wrong, she is very upset by all of this ( but quite why SHe is upset rather puzzles me)

I suppose what I'm asking is what is it to her?

What does she get from what she's doing?

First thought is caring for your DH, and second is cash.

Not saying either of those guesses are right, just the types of things people do weird things for.

I remember your other posts and tbh, would have cut her off long before now.

I also thought similar to squeaky.

She is up to something IMHO

I honestly can not for the life of me see, how on earth, anyone could possibly take her side over yours on this issue. (unless there is something we dont know, and I am not for a moment suggesting that there is).

Suueaky

I have put down the bare facts here, not trying to put any "emotion" on it and truly , really I have not DONE anything to feel sorry for ( I'm not suggesting that you are expecting me to defend myslef just using your post as a srping board )

I really just need to feel that I am RIGHT that I am not the one in the wrong.

agent zigzag

She has "some" medical background and is currently in training for a HCP role but is not a Dr.

As I said Kitty, I honestly dont doubt you. Your posts have always been consistent.

It just honestly baffles me, as her behaviour has been completely unacceptable and she has trod all over you to get her own way. Going behind your back to obtain medical records is breath-takingly outrageous. Her behaviour is more that of an ex-wife or a mother to the bloke, not his wifes sister. If she were HIS sister it would be slightly more rational, as being a blood relative you could sort of understand her sense of entitlement, but she isnt, she is nobody to him really.

I am sad and amazed that this is still going on. Can you not get an injunction or something against her? I understand that you don't want to mess up your family but this hasn't really improved since the last time and really needs to be dealt with by whatever means you can use.

Kitty - I remember your thread(s). I said to you then and I'll say it again - and the others have said it too - there is something deeply odd about this whole situation. I can't put my finger on why she'd do it either... but it's odd - it goes beyond 'needing to be needed' - she's like an ex wife who has no respect for the 'new' wife...

It would have been a 'deal breaker' for me a long time ago - family or not.

It is great news that it's not dementia - that must have been a huge relief. I hope there are things they can do to help him.

YOU are in the right, your sister is NOT

I remember your previous post.

Please don't doubt yourself and please don't worry too much about the spin your sister will put on things to the rest of your family. This is your husband, not your sister's. The way she is carrying on, you would think that she is married to your DH, rather than you.

I think your sister sounds unhinged and dangerous and the best thing you could do for your husband and yourself is to cut her off completely.

You can tell your family your side of things if you want to, but remember that you don't have to explain or justify yourself to them or to anyone else. Really, your husbands care has got fuck all to do with anyone besides him, you and his doctors. It doesn't matter what they think you should do or if they think your sister is right.

It is none of her business

Does she think your DH isn't getting the help or treatment she thinks he should?

And she's steaming in and 'saving' him herself?

x-post with Squeaky - funny we both said the same thing about the 'ex wife' aspect.

Kitty, you say that your sister is a live-in carer, presumably having a lot of contact with health care professionals for her caree. For some people, "a little knowledge is dangerous" - they assume they know more than they do and rather look down on the rest of us mere mortals. Is your sister this type?

Yes, it's a dealbreaker - I couldn't so much as look at her after this.

Could you talk to your other sister about what she has said to explain this incident? How she put it to her? You might get either the answers she is refusing to give you, or an insight into what the hell is going on in her mind.