Would this be a deal breaker with your sister, genuine advice needed.

[kitty4paws]

I have posted before about this but I had the threads removed as they had to much personal information on them , but I would really appreciate some advice.

In summary DH has severe short term memory problems. Can?t remember stuff from 5 minutes ago.

He was originaly diagnosed with dementia but now it is thought to be functional amnesia, no change in his symptoms, just in his diagnosis. But thank god NOT dementia.

DH has spent a lot of time round at MY Sister?s house (His SIL)

I found out by total, total accident that :

a) My sister obtained a signed letter from DH to access DH?s medical notes. DH can not remember having signed a letter at all but I trust / believe that he signed it under his own volition.

b) My sister was due to attend an appointment (without DH or myself being asked to attend) to speak to DH?s GP about DH?s medical notes. DH can not remember even making an appointment but again I have to trust that the appointment was made by my DH.

DH puts all sorts of stuff in his phone so that afterwards he can ?remember?. He calls the phone his ?brain?. He knows that I look through it regularly so I know what?s going on when I am not with him.

No entry in his phone AT ALL about either the notes or the appointment though other medcial stuff he has discussed at my sister?s has been put in his phone.

DH can not remember what he said to my sister (of course) but has NEVER asked anyone else to keep anything from me (the TOTAL opposite is true).

I have had various heated ?discussions? via e-mail with my sister, trying to sort all of this out.

I have asked the following question (Via e-mail (from me) and signed letter (from DH) )

?Did DH specifically say that I was NOT to be told about the notes / GP appointment ??

My sister refuses to answer. She has stated in other e-mails that :

? I do not have to justify my actions in any way?

? My conversations with DH are private and confidential? Though it is ok for the man she cares for to be present for all the conversations ( she is a live-in-carer)

Also (BEFORE the change in diagnosis to functional amnesia) she did not inform me of other medical information and she said that was reasonable because

? at that time I did not see DH?s memory problem as dementia?

Soooooo apparently a man with no memory can ?chose? to tell me stuff and she is deciding his diagnosis rather than his consultant

I have made sure that DH (and his medical information) is ?safe? and my sister has backed off from contact with DH but she expects that over time it will all be ok (the usual way ?stuff? is handled in our family e.g. don?t talk about it just wait untill it all just sort of ?goes away?)

WWYD ?
What reasonable explaination might she have for refusing to give the information?
Would her refusal to answer this be a ?deal breaker? ?
Would you end your relationship with your sister over this ?
Advice greatly appreciated.

I really think you should do something to undermine her credibility and do it quite soon to be honest.

What could she know about you and the children?

there is nothing , really nothing that she could do , its just shows how spoked I am by all this. I am a registered foster carer so on the childcare side I'm fine, all checked out .

I just think , if she can decieve me with my husband what else can she do ? Not that I think she will, just as an expression of how little trust I have for her now.

I remember your threads. WTF is your sister up to?!

Why would she want to get your DC taken away from you?

Bloody hell kitty, she sounds like a scary person, unpredictable, extreme and very very sinister.

Thing is about being pro-active in this situation is that the OPs got nothing to gain by doing that, but she'll get a lot more stressed and give this woman the attention she feels she's entitled to if she tries to fight to clear her name so to speak.

I would withdraw and refuse contact with her under any circumstances, however much of an emergency she might make the excuse to see you seem.

If it were me I would be going to a solicitor to get some sort of injunction quite frankly.

hehe I'm not disagreeing with you on purpose gooseberry but I think trying to play counter-mind games with the woman the OP's described, would be a risky business.

Leave her to her...whatever she's up to, and just concentrate on your DH and lovely DC.

It sounds to me that she is such a negative influence in your life that you are best off shot of her. She has criticised how you have dealt with your DH's problems so it's not surprising that you feel like she is judging how you are with the kids. She also seems to be quite manipulative and able to twist things to the extent that you are even doubting if it is you who is in the wrong. I would cut all ties. She can say what she likes to your family - she probably will regardless. I'm sure they will see her true colours eventually.

Why would she want to get your DC taken away from you?

She hasn't / wouldn't . I just feel that she thinks I am a C*P wife/ carer ( that why SHE has to step in) and if I'm a CP wife/ carer ( even though I think I'm doing fine)then maybe I only THINK I'm a good mum, maybe I'm C*P at that as well.

ALso she doesn't have Dc's so her views on what is normal in raising children is not based on any real experience IYSWIM ( not that my children are being rasied in any way abnormally but I'm also not super nanny ( and who is !!)

AgentZigZag has hit the nail on the head - sinister - that's exactly the word I was looking for.

Well, I have to say that even though my sister is a doctor, I would still expect her to ask me first before making arrangements to speak to DH's doctors on his behalf (if I were in your situation).

Just to clarify, she says that she has been doing this just to help him understand his diagnosis? Even though three Consultants and yourself have not been able to? She must have a very inflated sense of self-worth .

I'm so sorry that you are going through this at a time when, quite clearly, family support would be so much more beneficial to both you & your DH.

She sounds like a narcissist. Living in her own version of reality. If this is the case, then you will never be able to get through to her. Best to break contact.

The more you post kitty, the more I think you should consider reporting her to whatever professional body she has. She has acted unprofessionally, and even if she is yet to qualify, she is bound by their rules. I'd have been kicked out of Uni if I'd pulled a stunt like this - I believe I would have been considered a danger to future patients. (Was recently training as a AHP)

Thanks for all the replies , all you lovley ladies.

You have made me feel that I am RIGHT, I have NOTHING that I should feel I have to appologise for, heer behaviour is out of order, which ever way you look at it ( and I've tried EVERY way )

I am off to bed now. I will .......

Try to talk to my other sister , just to try and see what she thinks of it all

Continue to have no conatct with my -interferring- sister at all. I do not think trying to discuss it will resolve anything anymore, she is convinced she is right and who am I to change her view (only his WIFE apparently)

Is your sister bitter with you about something or does she hold a grudge against you? Is her life compleltely unsatisfied in her own life? From what I can see it sounds as if she is unsatisfied because it seems like an AWFUL lot of trouble to go to.

What a strange situation to find yourself in. Aside from the main meddlesome sister, you mentioned the sister who was offering money on the condition that you choose from her 2 preferences for the house renovations.

Have your sisters been used to dictating how your life should be according to them. What I mean is this this role you have been assigned in the family for whatever reason. The one who should obey?

I'd be taking a huge step back from them all to be honest. Something just isn't right, sinister motives have been mentioned already and I really do think something is at play here.

I too have read your previous threads.

TBH I think I would have cut contact a long time ago.

She has no business doing what she is doing and I can't think of any non sinister motives.

Her lack of boundaries is utterly baffling. For what purpose she has so involved herself I can't imagine and I also can't fathom a circumstance where it would be appropriate. So I would absolutly lay my big fat foot down and have it out properly or cut ties. That sounds harsh where family is immediate family is concerned but if she can't fully explain herself to your satisfaction then how could you ever trust her?

WhereYouLeftIt - "For some people, "a little knowledge is dangerous" - they assume they know more than they do and rather look down on the rest of us mere mortals:.

.......that is so very true....you meet that sort in every profession.

Your sister has broken your trust by her deceitful and underhanded behaviour, and her refusal to answer your legitimate questions and account for her behaviour is not a deal-breaker as there can't be any deal here.

By exploiting your DH's condition to further her endeavours to gain access to his medical records, your sister has gone way beyond the bounds of sisterly/sisterly-in-law concern for the well-being of both your DH and yourself.

The fact that it was also her intention to attend a meeting (that it is entirely possible that she may have requested) with your DH's GP without your knowledge or consent, and without either your DH or yourself being present, is a profoundly disturbing act of deceit that no reasonable person could be expected to overlook.

As for her spurious assertion that 'My conversations with (your) DH are private and confidential', this is supreme irony given that it was her intention to breach your DH's right to confidentiality in respect of his medical records by engaging hiis unwitting GP in a discussion of your DH's condition and treatment.

Your sister can have no justification whatsoever for her actions; she is seriously flawed, her judgement is off the wall, and you would be ill-advised to have any further dialogue with her - frankly, if a relative or friend of mine behaved in such a dishonest manner I wouldn't trust them to tell me the time.

I suggest you calmly appraise other family members of the facts adding that you have been advised to seek legal redress and report her breach of trust/confidentiality and lack of professionalism in this matter to her tutors/governing body - that will no doubt get back to her and may make her reflect on the error of her ways.

I would also suggest that you make it clear to your family that if they attempt to sweep your sister's outrageous behaviour in respect of these incidents under the carpet, there will be a raised mound that a steamroller will not flatten until hell freezes over.

As for what has motivated your sister to behave in such a reprehensible manner - don't go there; you've spent more than enough time fretting and worrying over her when you need to focus on your DH and your other obligations.

What she said

She sounds awful-verging on unhinged tbh.

Also-the person she cares for-did she take them to appointments about your husband?

I would just cut contact now tbh.

Notice that she replied to your email by cutting contact with your husband.

She seems to have no respect or regard for you whatsoever.

I also wouldn´t bother asking your other sister´s opinion-let her approach you.

Very glad for you that things are better wrt your husband than previously thought.

Are your two sisters significantly older than you? Just wondering as it seems as if they may be having trouble believing/accepting that you are an adult and perfectly capable of managing your own life.

your sister is a loon.
you dont need her.
she makes life harder for you.
what more do you need to know?
get her out your life!!

You have, I trust, alerted your DH's doctor to your sister's treachery. And taken him/her to task for not questioning the validity of a letter granting blanket permission when it's from someone with severe memory issues, and not double-checking to make sure it's genuine.

Letters asking for something as sensitive as case-history notes are unusual, and signatures can be forged, especially where the person who is supposed to have written it can't recall doing so. DID he write it? Make the doctor show you this letter, if you haven't already seen it. If you encounter resistance, back it up with the threat (empty or otherwise) that the next person to make this request will be a lawyer.

I would really, really want to know if in fact your husband DID write such a letter. Didn't this doctor think it strange that the primary carer (i.e. you) was being excluded? Did he/she ever bother to ask WHY? I really would complain to the doctor about his/her compliance in this, and demand an explanation. Not request. Demand.

This borders on breach of professional trust. Aren't medical workers supposed to protect patient confidentiality? To an obvious extent, your husband cannot be held responsible for his past actions, and if he doesn't remember writing any such letter (IF he did write it - ?) then it's a past action, which he now clearly no longer holds to. If he ever did.

You might use a few buzz-words like "breach of confidentiality" when speaking to the GP (not a specialist?). The legal-sounding jargon may make him/her think twice.

You've been let down not only by two of your sisters but also by the doctor who is supposed to be guiding and protecting you. I'm not sure a GP is best qualified to deal with this case anyway. I would consider asking for a referral to a specialist - this would also serve as a well-deserved rebuke to a medical professional who has failed you in one important respect: that of trust. He/She was quite willing to go behind your back and pass on sensitive private information. I would never place full confidence in this person again.

Like the others here, I can't see any non-sinister motive behind your sister's treachery either. I fully second what IzzyWhizzy said.

Let us know how you get on! Hugs -

(They took away the little flower smiley or I'd send you one of those too)

I know how it feels when you feel spooked by someone so determined to put their influence in your life.

It can be really creepy unnerving when someone is unable to respect the normal boundaries of personal business and tries to take control.

It's so unsettling and it can keep you awake at night because you feel like there is nothing really you can do about it.

I've had this and I found it very disturbing. I still can't forgive the person who tried this and unfortunately, I can't chop them out of my life.

You, op, can though and you can take control by utterly and totally ignoring your sister. She has absolutely no right to interfere in your and dh's lives like this.