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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly upset & insulted with DP's request for a cohabiting & pre-nuptial agreement?

196 replies

jammydoger · 15/05/2011 20:02

I'm not too sure how I feel about this so just wanted to get an external view point to this.

DP and I have been together for 4 years now, cohabiting for 18 months. I'm currently 23+4 pregnant with our first, also house hunting which has pushed us to sort out our finances, will's and the rest.

So yesterday he requested that we should direct our solicitor to draft up both a cohabiting agreement and pre-nup while were at it (were planing to get married next year). The main concern at this stage is the house purchase whilst I'll be putting up 50k he's contributing 100k to the deposit.

Now I don't have an issue with a pre-nup per se but it raises certain questions on how he views our relationship. Obviously he wants to protect himself which is fair enough but its got my back up a little that he sees me as a threat to his wealth.

The idea of entering a marriage with a contract that deals with what happens in the event of the marriage failing seems to question our commitment to each other. Or AIBVU?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 20:04

You want my opinion ?

tell him to fuck off to celebsville

who the jeff does he think he is ?

Simon Fucking Cowell ?

squeakytoy · 15/05/2011 20:06

ditto what AF said... if he was worth a few million then maybe.

Nixea · 15/05/2011 20:07

Another here in AF's corner....lovely way to start a marriage isn't it Hmm

kitbit · 15/05/2011 20:08

Ask him. Outright. Ask him what HIS commitment to YOU is given you're expecting his child. Then put in his precious pre-nup the terms of his child support.

TattyDevine · 15/05/2011 20:09

The fact that you are to be having his child and potentially decreasing your income or decreasing your ability to get and maintain a similar job, including future promotions at the same rate as if you weren't (depending on various circumstances of course) makes me think he shouldn't be quibbling over this £50k.

YANBU

Tell him to shove it.

Kendodd · 15/05/2011 20:10

Hilarious, that he thinks he's so rich!

scottishmummy · 15/05/2011 20:10

very sensible of him.dont let gushy sentimentality about lurve and babies get in way of financial prudence

and dont do joint bank accounts either
he is not saying you will necessarily split up,he is sensibly planning finances and being explicit from outset.more couples shpuld do this imo

changejustforyou · 15/05/2011 20:11

Hm, DH wasn't happy me mentioning it and in the end we didn't, but it seems to be a more common thing on the continent (at least my siblings and friends have one)

DoMeDon · 15/05/2011 20:13

I can see that a pre-nup is sensible in terms of splitting up. Many people feel they have been turned over after a split and a pre-nup would prevent that. Thing is I would feel the same- it's not what marriage and relationships are about. It's a bit too practical for me.

icooksocks · 15/05/2011 20:14

Step back from te emotion a bit ad ask if he plans to see your child right in the pre-nup. It doesn't have to be offensive, it can be a sensible thing to do, you will also be able to protect you and your child/ren (if and when they may arrive).
Having said that me and DH didn't have a pre-nup, not much point really as we have always been stony broke (before we got together and since) Grin

Original poster
jammydoger · 15/05/2011 20:16

Ok he or should I say his family are wealthy, he has a country pile in trust which is set to sell for a hefty sum. That said, I don't want his money, never have. I'm not as wealthy by any means but in a comfortable position. My only concern is for our child and should our relationship fail she should be provided for.

OP posts:
Brevity · 15/05/2011 20:16

Very sensible, you are not married yet and it protects both of you.

God forbid one of you dies suddenly before you are married, but this helps to keep everything clear. Not sure how binding an actual pre-nup would be, so you need to get your own legal advice anyway.

Jaquelinehyde · 15/05/2011 20:16

Kit and Tatty hit it on the head for me.

Agree to his pre-nup and then hit him with a truely astronomical figure for child support etc. Don't forget to add in clauses for if it is him that wishes to leave the relationship and ensure that you and the dc get controlling interest of the house.

Then refuse to marry him!

Wanker.

Hassled · 15/05/2011 20:17

Very few women manage to get through child-rearing without it impacting their ability to earn money in some way - whether through extended maternity leave or going part-time, or being "over-looked" for promotion or whatever. You are far more likely to suffer in terms of earning potential than he is. Has he built this into his pre-nup equations?

I'm with you - I'd be feeling decidedly uneasy.

squeakytoy · 15/05/2011 20:20

Ok he or should I say his family are wealthy, he has a country pile in trust which is set to sell for a hefty sum. That said, I don't want his money, never have.

Ah, now that puts a completely different perspective on the matter. If he is due to inherit a substantial family property, it DOES make sense to protect that.

lovelybertha · 15/05/2011 20:21

If you think he sees you as a 'threat to his wealth', then a pre-nup isn't going to be the end of it.

When you have a child together, it is the beginning of a huge shared responsibility - and it isn't just a financial one.

As the one who is (I'm assuming) taking a period of maternity leave - you are likely to be contributing considerably less to the household in financial terms. However, your contribution will be in another, equally important, form.

Have you discussed this with him?

Blu · 15/05/2011 20:22

I would think his chances of over-riding the legal status of marriage - which is that you share worldly goods equally - with a 'pre-nup' to cover a £50k difference of capital at a time when you are about to compromise your career (even maternity leave compromises your overall career progress as you are professionally 'reading water' for that time) are a big fat zilch.

Think v carefully about how you buy the house together - get your solicitor to talk you through the differnce between Tennants in Common and Joint Tennants. My guess is that your dp will want tennants in common, which names the amount you own - while joint tennants will be better for you once you have a child as you wukd automatically inherit your dp's share in the house if anything happened to him. If you go for 'tennants in common' but are paying the mortgage equally get a deed of covenant drawn up to say what proportion each owns, including that the bit you buy with the mortgage is owned 50/50. Otherwise it could be assumed that he owns the proportion of the whole which is represented by capital investment.

I'm not sure what happens to a tennants in common ownership on marriage - something to ask the solicitor. You wouldn't want to be left with a child/ren while he waltzes off with the majority share in the house!

Itsjustafleshwound · 15/05/2011 20:22

When you go on holiday you buy travel insurance. It doesn't mean that you are planning on getting sick/injured but it does cover you - it is the same way I feel about a pre-nup.

Surely a pre-nup doesn't just cover the pre-marriage consequences but also the way you wish the marriage to continue. Should I split with DH I will be put back in the same financial situation I was in before marriage and all assets during the marriage will be evenly split.

Child maintenance is a completely different thing

beckibicker · 15/05/2011 20:23

i think its a very good idea

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 15/05/2011 20:25

I thought they weren't really binding anyway?

TallulahBetty · 15/05/2011 20:26

Pre-nups aren't actually legally binding in the UK anyway. Most courts can and do take them into account, but they do not have to.

YANBU, in my opinion, BTW.

holyShmoley · 15/05/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsjustafleshwound · 15/05/2011 20:27

They may not be binding but shows intent .... I was under the impression that judges opinions of their legal worth are changing to their favour

whiteflame · 15/05/2011 20:28

another one who thinks it is a good idea. things turn very nasty if/when a marriage splits up. people are very hurt and do things they wouldn't normally do, so best to sort these things when everyone is in a rational frame of mind.

while he is busy protecting his assets, and you should look at it as a chance to protect your children's future (i.e. get it written down what he will do support them). if it's never needed, then no harm done.

Original poster
jammydoger · 15/05/2011 20:29

Well in terms of reduced earnings etc his opinion is I have less stake on the house (when we buy one) because a) I'll be on leave for the best part of a year so not contributing and b) because I will only be putting in 50k towards it.

Brevity I agree with you. But I'm just really uneasy with it all. And of course if we go ahead with it I intend to have clauses for child support and school fees etc.

OP posts:
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