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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly upset & insulted with DP's request for a cohabiting & pre-nuptial agreement?

196 replies

jammydoger · 15/05/2011 20:02

I'm not too sure how I feel about this so just wanted to get an external view point to this.

DP and I have been together for 4 years now, cohabiting for 18 months. I'm currently 23+4 pregnant with our first, also house hunting which has pushed us to sort out our finances, will's and the rest.

So yesterday he requested that we should direct our solicitor to draft up both a cohabiting agreement and pre-nup while were at it (were planing to get married next year). The main concern at this stage is the house purchase whilst I'll be putting up 50k he's contributing 100k to the deposit.

Now I don't have an issue with a pre-nup per se but it raises certain questions on how he views our relationship. Obviously he wants to protect himself which is fair enough but its got my back up a little that he sees me as a threat to his wealth.

The idea of entering a marriage with a contract that deals with what happens in the event of the marriage failing seems to question our commitment to each other. Or AIBVU?

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 15/05/2011 20:29

Why be vindictive - it is to cover BOTH parties

Blu · 15/05/2011 20:29

x-posted with your 'by stealth' post!

In his position, I probably would want to know that if the worst happened and we split, the country pile would go straight to the child/ren in trust, rather than to you, to take into a next potential marriage - because in theory if your subsequent marriage split, your second ex could end up with a quarter of his family country pile! (half your half).

Cntracts are about the theory that you want never to happen - not a statement of intention.

MoreBeta · 15/05/2011 20:33

jammydodger - if you do get a prenup you need your own really good independent advice from a proper divorce lawyer who is working exclusivley for you. Pre-nup agreements are not yet prevalent in the UK and UK courts have tended to set them aside up to now but that may not always be the case.

What I am saying is if you get a pre-nup make damn sure you dont give away any right you would be entitled to under a normal divorce settlement. Who exactly is your solicitor working for here? I only ask because if he/she is really working for your DP as the person that instructed him/her then they will be duty bound to make sure your DP gets maximum advantage in any subsequent split/divorce.

Either that or just refuse to do it, call of the house buying and get married in a registry ofice next week to give you both the rights of a normal married couple before baby arrives. A lot cheaper than an expensive prenup agrement and all legal.

Hassled · 15/05/2011 20:33

But you'll be "on leave for the best part of a year so not contributing" because you'll be raising his child. Does he not get that? If you went straight back to work would he consider the cost of childcare his problem, or yours, or both of yours?

whiteflame · 15/05/2011 20:35

Great post MoreBeta, I am in total agreement - he is making sure he is covered, you make sure you are covered. Things are relatively sorted if it comes to it.

missmyoldname · 15/05/2011 20:35

I was a bit torn about this, until I read the fact that one of the reason he wants the cohabitation agreement is because you will be on ML for a year and not contributing.

What an arsehole! You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that your contribution will be raising HIS child!

missmyoldname · 15/05/2011 20:36

x post Hassled!

chelstonmum · 15/05/2011 20:36

Dh and i don't have such a thing. I have my business and he works ft, to be honest we both love our kids too much to screw them if we were to split.

If you are getting married then the year of him paying the morgage shouldn't matter, the baby is as a result of something you have made together, so surely the childcare and initial cost isnt an issue?

Fair enough he is putting in twice the deposit, but families are just that... a unit. Is this his idea or his families?

Blu · 15/05/2011 20:36

"his opinion is I have less stake on the house (when we buy one) because a) I'll be on leave for the best part of a year so not contributing"

That is outrageous. Once you have a child it is a partnership into which you may put different assets, but they must be viewed equally. You WILL be bloody well contibuting - you will be doing all the childcare, undertaking the childcare part of your houshold while he undertakes the finance bit. If he really thinks all the material gains while you are on maternity leave of spending time as a sahm should be HIS then he needs to think differently!

hellymelly · 15/05/2011 20:37

Er..so when the vicar gets to the "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" is he going to pipe up with "could I refer to doc 34 page 12 at this point?"

EggyAllenPoe · 15/05/2011 20:39

I was hoping to be the first to tell you to leave the twat. I see i need to be up earlier in the morning to get in ahead of AnyFucker, though.

tralalala · 15/05/2011 20:39

what blu said

E320 · 15/05/2011 20:40

BLU tennants-in-common means that each "tennant" can will their share of the house to whomsoever they want. It is more interesting for owners of high value properties as an inheritance tax mitigation facility. It has nothing to do with the amount that the joint owners put up (each) as capital in the first instance.

AKissIsNotAContract · 15/05/2011 20:41

I think it's a bit off that he waited until you were pregnant to tell you he wanted a pre-nup. He should have been upfront with you before you moved in together and got pregnant that he would be expecting this kind of set up. It's pretty unsettling to do this to you now you are carrying his child.

howdidthishappenthen · 15/05/2011 20:41

I did a co-hab agreement with DH before we we were married. But so far as we were both concerned, marriage is for ever, and the 'with all my worldly goods' stuff is for real so its's long since void. Don't say it if you don't mean it. On the other hand, if you're having a civil ceremony and not making those vows, then there's nothing particularly sinister in discussing this stuff first- maybe better to think of it now whilst you love and respect each other then having to do it in a mood of acrimony and resentment in 10 years..

expatinscotland · 15/05/2011 20:42

I would not buy a house with this person, nor marry him, because he appears to see like as a game of quid pro quo upon reading your last post about your 'contributing'.

If he wants a flatmate or housemate, who will always pay up their 50%, then he's welcome to find one.

But I'd certainly not stake my precious £50K on it.

I'd keep renting with him, sure, and get legal protection in case of death, etc. But not buy a house with him nor marry him.

whiteflame · 15/05/2011 20:43

Although I agree that the "his opinion is I have less stake on the house (when we buy one) because a) I'll be on leave for the best part of a year so not contributing" is completely ridiculous and infuriating, I still think the OP should look at this as a chance to get down what she would want in the event of a divorce. Too many people think it'll never happen/it's not romantic to talk about, and get royally screwed. Usually women.

Why would you use antiquated vows written by an ancient church Hellymelly? Write your own. Or else what about the 'love, honour and obey' part?!

EggyAllenPoe · 15/05/2011 20:44

a civil ceremony says something along the lines of 'all that i am, i give to you' (or mine did)

...which again brings up the 'apart from the money stuff which i think should be protected as per our previous agreement..' problem.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2011 20:44

Prince William and Kate didn't sign a pre-nup, and I reckon Wills is a far sight richer than this bloke.

Original poster
jammydoger · 15/05/2011 20:45

itsjustafleshwound- I don't intend to be vindictive I simply want to make sure that my child is supported financially by her father. Is that too much to ask?

Morebeta- re: marriage, my point exactly. I will def. get independent legal advice before signing.

Were currently living in his flat. And I'm contributing to his mortgage and service charge etc. We need to move because its not big enough for us an a new baby. And I'd also prefer to have a property in both our names for peace of mind.

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 15/05/2011 20:47

If you want to provide for your children it is a totally separate issue ...

He wants to make sure that his wealth/stake is recognised - I would do the same and advise anyone in his position to do the same ....

whiteflame · 15/05/2011 20:48

Definitely agree on getting the property in both your names. Can you look on the pre-nup in the same vein - protecting yourself in event of the worst?

MoreBeta · 15/05/2011 20:49

I am inclined to agree with others that in cases where people come to a marriage with vastly differing levels of wealth or where both have large family fortunes then a pre-nup is sensible but not in this case.

In fact, to me it sounds like the DP is attempting to maintain the current financial staus quo and split of assets even after the marriage has taken place.

EggyAllenPoe · 15/05/2011 20:50

Too many people think it'll never happen/it's not romantic to talk about, and get royally screwed. Usually women.

the reason this happens is because the existing provisions in divorce law are not that favourable to women. This guy wants a pre-nup presumably bcause even given the fact that he would be likely to come out very well under the existing provisions of the law, that isn't good enough for him, and he wants even more protection to weaken his partners rights even further...

so although i rather like the idea of stipulating very generous provisions for your future child, it seems similar to entering a state of divorce-like tit-for-tat battle before you are even married!

DilysPrice · 15/05/2011 20:51

He's being a twat, but it may not be irreparable.
Ask him "Do you seriously mean that I'm "not contributing" because I'm raising YOUR CHILD? and if he says "oh, hang on, I wasn't thinking straight, sorry, that was a bit twatty", then carry on as normal.
If he shrugs and says "Yeah, but I'll be earning the money" then a) refer him to AnyFucker, and b) present him with a bill for a full time nanny (gross salary plus employer's NI contributions).