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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some time to myself, to expect more from DH

116 replies

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:36

i have two children, dh works monday to friday and also by choice on sat on a project. i am pretty miffed that he does very little with them. he can do what he likes when he is not working yet i am 'working 24/7.' i dont begrudge my babies because i absolutely adore them but im miffed with him and his attitide. i resent it immensely. yes he works all week but so do I and unlike him i dont clock off at 630 and then rest. i do everything in the house. i am starting to seriously feel i shouldnt be with him. AIBU?

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 14/05/2011 14:42

It is not unreasinable to feel upset by an imbalance but it is unreasonable just to fester on it. What does he say about your feelings of unfairness?

I do think that being at home and being out working are different and represent different challenges. There should be a balance of time. he chooses to do a project. You should choose to go out a couple of evenings and have some personal time. We all need our own space.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:43

the children are both under three and we dont live near relatives

OP posts:
Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:44

ive been told just to accept it hence why im questioning my whole relationship

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/05/2011 14:45

you need to just get ready to go out and INFORM him he's 'on duty'

BumWiper · 14/05/2011 14:45

have you actually told him how you feel?chances are hes not aware of how dissatisfied you are.

BumWiper · 14/05/2011 14:46

oh well then you need to put your foot down and say'im off out see ya later''.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:48

oh i have told him yes many many arguments. i am still bf so i cant just go out with my baby by my side

OP posts:
WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 14/05/2011 14:48

Wtf? He said you should just accept it? What reason did he give you?

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:49

what kind of man does that anyhow, you know leaves everything to the partner in relation to the children ? i never knew this about him until we had our first child. extremely disappointed i have been since that very day

OP posts:
BumWiper · 14/05/2011 14:50

would the baby take some expressed milk?

TheCrackFox · 14/05/2011 14:51

Does he know that this whole situation has turned into a deal breaker for you?

What explanation has he given you for being such a lazy twat at home?

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:52

i wish, no. i can handle my children that isnt a problem what galls me is the attitude of my so called partner in marriage. makes my blood boil

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 14:53

does he have any interaction with the children in the evening? or are they in bed when he gets home?

i never knew this about him until we had our first child. extremely disappointed i have been since that very day

yet you went on to have another child very quickly afterwards Confused

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:53

TheCrackFox - thank you for the reply but please kindly do not refer to my partner with that word

OP posts:
Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:54

squeakytoy - well yes we got frisky what can i say :)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 14:59

yes we got frisky what can i say

"put a condom on it" tends to work for most Wink

I dont get the "I am working 24/7".. you are a mum, your children are your family, not your job. They are not awake 24/7 and you have to shape your life around their life. Yes a partner should help more, but if he is working hard, presumably bringing home a wage each month, then its not much to expect the person at home to do the work in the home. Old fashioned maybe, but thats how we managed it. I have friends who bleat on about how hard it is, while they are happily quaffing their lattes in starbucks every morning and going to baby clubs most afternoon.. Hmm

Unless you live in a mansion, it does not take 8 hours a day, 7 days a week to do housework and cook dinner.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:59

yes he does see the children at night for say an hour and play, its just his attitude of youre the mother i just have to make the money.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 14/05/2011 15:00

Veronica I know you may not like him being referred to a a lazy twat, but tbf, that is how you have described him. It's not TheCrackFox's fault that she has choosen the fitting word to describe him.

FWIW, my dp is the same. he does very little in regards to the children and housework, even when I was working full time and travelling lots, I still had to do it all.
I'd call my dp a lot more than a twat.
I have told him so many time that I need him to help me more, that I struggle wirth it all and need time to myself etc etc and nothing ever changes.
I now have taken to when he has 2 days off in a row, to get up late, get dressed and tell him I need a break and that I'm going out alone.
He says he is fine to look after the kids, he doesn't do anything else on that day, but baby-steps.

You have come across as quite angry and upset by your dh's actions or lack of, and reading it, other people will have similar feelings to it as yourself.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:00

well squeakytoy if that is your opinion on my question then thank you and thats all i need to hear from you

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Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:02

SilveryMoon i choose not to use vulgar words such as that, thats just me but this is OT. Sorry to hear you have something similiar

OP posts:
HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:02

OK here is the best way to assess whether the divvying up of the housework and childcare is fair:

How much leisure time do you have? (After work, without kids)

How much leisuer time does he have? (After work, without kids)

If he has much more than you, it's unfair.

Don't listen to Squeakytoy, he doesn't get to opt out of parenting and the shit work in the hosue, just because he has a paid job. You have the right to have some leisure time - the same amount as him, because your unpaid work in teh house and childcaer, enables him to have his paid job in the first place. If he had to do it all, he wouldn't be able to earn.

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 15:03

You posted on "am i being unreasonable".. dont expect cyber chocolate and hugs :)

GypsyMoth · 14/05/2011 15:05

can you not just say 'this this and this needs doing,i have to get on with this'

what is his reply when asked directly what he is going to do to running of the household?

my teens arent even this disrespectful

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:06

i dont get any leisure time, kids in bed by 8pm up at 630. he can do what he likes after work and weekends. ie sit and do nothing if he chooses.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 14/05/2011 15:07

Agree with HerBeX
But, I do have to say, you are coming across as quite abrupt in your responses to people who are taking the time to give their thoughts and advice to you.
I don't mean to be rude, and I know you may be in a place at this second where you are wound up by your situation, but you have it better than some.
He comes home after work each day and spends an hour playing with his children. That's nice. Some dad's finish work and spend the hour and more down the pub