to want some time to myself, to expect more from DH

[veronicadoll]

i have two children, dh works monday to friday and also by choice on sat on a project. i am pretty miffed that he does very little with them. he can do what he likes when he is not working yet i am 'working 24/7.' i dont begrudge my babies because i absolutely adore them but im miffed with him and his attitide. i resent it immensely. yes he works all week but so do I and unlike him i dont clock off at 630 and then rest. i do everything in the house. i am starting to seriously feel i shouldnt be with him. AIBU?

so what are you going to do about this Veronica???

Now I do agree with you squeakytoy!

If I was Veronica I would go away for the weekend with the baby but leave the toddler with her DH. It will be nice bonding time for them.

Dh doesn't do much around the house because he works 9am-11pm (chef) so he is not physically here that much to help. However, he is very involved during his 2 days off a week. Why? Because he likes to see me and the children be happy too.

But the OP was her complaining that he does very little with the children, wasn't it?

Don't even know how it turned into a housework debate.

BUt I had missed the hour in the evening her DH spends playing with them, so he obviously DOES do stuff with them.

The weekends would piss me off royally, however, if he doesn' play with the childfrten then. BUt I would't have it.

This is what always happens when you become a housewife. The solution is entirely in your hands. Go back to full time work and out earn him several times and then he will not treat you like this. Why did you think being a housewife would be fun?

It's easy to have a happy marriage if you expect fuck all from someone and are happy with the fuck all they give you.

Not accepting that women are no better than servants for men and that the children they have are their burden alone only makes you unhappy if you are married to a useless cunt.

it makes me laugh when parents say they want "me time" and spend hours on the bleedin internet, ignoring the kids

lets face it, being a stay at home mother isnt really that hard

out of all the combinations i have done, full time, part time, sahm etc, that has to be the easiest by far

I had two children, 7 and 2, worked a full time job, single parent and had a spotless house, washing always done, and had plenty of leisure time.

It is how you manage your time that matters, you clearly are not managing your time.

It's easy to have a happy marriage if you expect fuck all from someone and are happy with the fuck all they give you

Did I say he gives me fuck all? I dont think so. Our marriage is give and take. We work as a team and are both happy with the roles we have in our marriage. I dont expect him to cook and clean when he has been out at work all day, but I do expect him to do things with me at the weekend, or at least for the most part of it, which he does. He does treat me with the utmost respect too, and would never moan if he came home and dinner wasnt ready, or the house is a bit of a tip because I went out and left it for a day.

This is what always happens when you become a housewife Why did you think being a housewife would be fun?

Bullshit! It may not suit every woman, but is certainly doesnt always happen to every woman. Many are very content and fullfilled with being a home-maker and main raiser of the children, providing they are treated with respect by their partner. I happen to believe that if you have children, you should if possible raise them yourself, not palm them off to a nanny and race back to work. I know for some women this isnt an option, and they have to go to work, but each to their own. Being at home can be great fun. You get to watch the kids grow up, you get to spend time with your family (parents and inlaws) if they are close by. Being a SAHM and housewife certainly does not mean a life of drudgery and begging for some housekeeping money off your husband if you have a fair and balanced marriage.

Squeakytoy, that's the key though isn't it? If you're both happy with your roles, respect what the other does and treat ech other with love and consideration it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about who does what does it?

It's a bit like sex. If you do it 3 times a night or once every 3 years it matters not one jot so long as you are both genuinely happy with the situation, talk always and make adjustments when necessary

Housework and childcare, like sex, only becomes an issue when one person feels aggreived about what they are doing / what their OH isn't doing or vice versa. It's that imbalance that causes the problems

Really happy that you and fabby were so content and happy with your situations. But that doesn't mean it's fine for everyone else though. They may not be happy with it. Which is where problems arise

Which is why "This is how I did it and it worked for us so why doesn't it work for you? You must be doing t wrong"-type posts are so spectacularly unhelpful!!

I think this would have been better off as a post in relationships tbh.

Your relationship sounds like it needs work OP, but this thread is going to get silly, so it's a good idea to hide the thread now!

FWIW, I've been a working parent, and a stay at home parent and I wouldn't say either are perfect, but I've been largely happy and contented doing both. So I've never really understood people who are so black and white about it all.

Squeakytoy - some of your earlier posts got my back up, but I agree that if it works for you and your family, that's great. The only other thing I will say is your comment about the op's baby being breastfed. Without turning this into bf/ff debate, bm is the food a baby should be fed biologically. I do not think we should assume the op should change this as that would not be putting the child's needs first - the whole family (dad too - he should be happy his baby is being breastfed and actively supporting) need to work around the breastfeeding. So expressing - maybe, or dad taking the baby when he/she is likely to go longest between feeds. Not stopping bfing (unless the op wants to for other reasons, of course).

CurrySpice, surely that is the whole point of a public forum though. People give advice based on their own experiences. Quite often, particularly on this board, posters will start a thread, and it is quite clear that the problems they have are because they have different expectations to their partner, and the problem is perhaps due to a lack of mutual respect, communication or the poster IS being unreasonable.

I was very lucky indeed, that my parents had a happy marriage, and it is certainly something that shaped my views on what I wanted for myself. But on the other side of the coin, there wil be others who grew up with parents in an unhappy marriage, who do not want that for themselves, but have not been fortunate enough to witness a happy one to use as guidance.

It would be of little help to anyone if everyone did things the same way, but if I had problems, I would value advice and be interested in how people in the same situation cope with things, or how people in the same situation (ie SAHM with working husband) live a happy life.

I agree ST - we can only speak from our own experiences. But your constant suggestion (implication?) that it worked for you so it must be how it works for others if only they would try a bit harder is...erm...galling :o

My parents' marriage was, from the sound of it, much like yours and just as happy. But mine was very VERY different. The relationship I am in now is very VERY happy and very different. I wouldn't tell anyone that the key to happiness is to live apart becuase that's what we do. Because clearly that is tosh!

Of course we all talk from our own experience but surely we're all old and wise enough to know that just because our experience is a, that doesn't mean that someone else's experience might not be b, and that what would suit us might not suit someone else and that doesn't mean they're wrong, just different?

My DH leaves home at 7am and gets home around 7pm. He comes in gets changed and then supervises the children as they get ready for bed, reads the story and says prayers and tucks them in. Comes down stairs and re-heats his dinner and eats it and will put the dishwasher on if needed.

I took them to the cinema this morning to give him some quiet while he did some work. He had lunch ready for us when we got home. Then he spent the afternoon with them while I went for a nap. He cooked dinner for himself and the the youngest while I took my eldest to an event at the church.

When I was breastfeeding then I adjusted the feeds so I could give a feed and then go and do something for a couple of hours for me while DH stayed at home with the kids. If I needed to get back because of a frantic baby then a quick phonecall would mean I could come home. DH goes out when he wants as well.

Tomorrow I am taking the kids to church in the morning while DH will sort the DW and do some washing and will probably pop to the allotment. We will then go out for a Sunday lunch and have some family time together in the afternoon.

That is what a partnership is all about.