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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some time to myself, to expect more from DH

116 replies

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:36

i have two children, dh works monday to friday and also by choice on sat on a project. i am pretty miffed that he does very little with them. he can do what he likes when he is not working yet i am 'working 24/7.' i dont begrudge my babies because i absolutely adore them but im miffed with him and his attitide. i resent it immensely. yes he works all week but so do I and unlike him i dont clock off at 630 and then rest. i do everything in the house. i am starting to seriously feel i shouldnt be with him. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 16:03

CurrySpice now really why did you bother, just having fun? well enjoy :)

OP posts:
shubiedoo · 14/05/2011 16:04

So when you're both at home, you should both pitch in, not have one person still doing it all while the other sits on his arse!

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 16:05

yes ladies so do as squeakytoy suggests - shut up and get on with it - doesnt matter what your OH does since he is working

yes it is 1950s me thinks (shaking my head)

OP posts:
Cat98 · 14/05/2011 16:05

I completely agree with HerBeX. I don't think ignoring the kids so the husbamd can come home to a tidy house would be doing a great job tbh, but each to their own. I have had this argument many times on here though.

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 16:07

"the choice of being a SAHM".

I got made redundant on maternity leave from a well paid job and I can't find anything that pays similar and therefore enough to make a profit after paying for two in childcare at the moment.

This isn't my luxurious choice that my loving DH is financing for me Hmm

Funnily enough, he hasn't offered to give up his career to look after the children while I chase a better paid job, so I'm not going to kiss his arse for bringing in the money, thanks all the same.

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 16:07

But that's the point - the OP's husband isn't pulling his weight in the team.

Why is that?

Because he doesn't respect her part of the teamwork. So he doesn't respect her.

And he won't look after his own child for a couple of hours - how neglectful and awful, what sort of parent resents looking after their own child?

Why do people find this acceptable?

Takeresponsibility · 14/05/2011 16:08

Veronicadoll - Do you "communicate" with your DH in the same way that you do with the other posters on herre? I.e. Ask for his opinion then insult it or him when it does not tally with your way of thinking bacause if so then I can see exactly why he is not receptive to any kind of discussion about ...well anythink really.

Just because someone holds an different opinion to you does not mean they are automatically wrong, stupid or should be insulted.

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 16:08

Erm..I thought having fun was allowed!

Look, it seems to me like you are determined to be the perfect mother, not needing any help Monday-Friday, on duty 24/7 with a martyred tone

But at weekends, you want it different.

I think your DH is probably getting mixed messages.

Of course you can go out with the baby for coffee with a friend / to visit relatives or friends and leave DH with DC1.

You can go out alone between feeds for a drink or a walk or whatever. I'm sure the baby deosn't feed 24/7

But you seem determined to contradict every suggestion anyone makes because you like being a martyr (and despite painting a pretty bleak picture of your DH, getting all Mary Whitehouse when someone calls him a twat Hmm)

Sorry, that's just how I read you.

Tell him how you feel. Properly. And be prepared to realise you may have to make changes and adjustments too if you want things to change.

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 16:09

What is the Satuday project and how many hours of his time does it take OP?

Cat98 · 14/05/2011 16:12

Bfing, which is the best thing for your child, is exhausting when it is through the night. And gently guiding a child into a routine - fine, but i'm not going to leave a baby to scream so I can make it sleep when is convenient for me, so I can do the housework like a stepford wife. It make me angry when people say 'why can't you do the housework?' as though i'm an inferior mother, when actually I think I am putting my young child's needs first.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 16:12

you are determined to be the perfect mother etc etc

CurrySpice thanks for the patronising post, you clearly havent read the posts properly we dont live near relatives but nevermind

just because i dont like bad language directed at my family does not mean you should call me mw but again nevermine

OP posts:
Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 16:13

Cat98 i agree

OP posts:
PiazzaDellaRotonda · 14/05/2011 16:16

I can't see anything wrong with Squeaky's posts tbh. I also raised children almost by myself since DH is in the medical profession - shifts, call outs, night work all left him needing to rest when he wasn't working. You DO just get on with it in the full and safe knowledge that it won't last long and it was YOUR choice to have children. Nobody's saying it's going to last 20 years ffs - it's not a life sentence. Whoever thinks being a parent to young children doesn't involve personal sacrifice is living in cloud cuckoo land.

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 16:16

Bloody hell - I can't win. Have a laugh and I'm flippant. Tell you what I honestly think and I'm patronising!!. Like takeresponsibility said, why post here then shoot EVERYONE down in flames who doesn't agree with you. If you are so certain you are right about everything then I don't see why you need to ask for advice here tbh

I made some perfectly sensible suggestions o what you can do NOW to get some time to yourself (and yes, before you ask, I did BF and know what it's like) but you chose t pick out the word "relatives" so you can be in the right.

So OK, I'll change my advice to get it correct:

Of course you can go out with the baby for coffee with a friend / to visit relatives or friends and leave DH with DC1.

You can go out alone between feeds for a drink or a walk or whatever. I'm sure the baby deosn't feed 24/7

Happy now?

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 16:18

thanks CurrySpice why didnt i think of that?

OP posts:
babybrioche · 14/05/2011 16:18

BUt piazza - the OP is spending every Saturday on a project that interests him, not resting because he does a very busy job.

All these "you chose to have children posts" yes, so did the OP's! Husband!! Surely the same applies to him?

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 16:20

"Whoever thinks being a parent to young children doesn't involve personal sacrifice is living in cloud cuckoo land."

Isn't that the OP's point about her husband?

This thread is Confused

darleneoconnor · 14/05/2011 16:23

veronica- ignore squeaky, she's out for a wind up

Threads like this are constantly coming up on MN.

The consensus is that we should equally value WOHMing and SAMHing, and that the employed partner should share the housework/childcare when at home.

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 16:23

Oh for the love of pete OP I give up! Angry

If you are this hostile, snippy and sarky with your DH when you "communicate" with him, then no wonder it ends in frustration!

ChunkyPickle · 14/05/2011 16:24

I stay at home to look after my little boy, and squeeze in some working from home when I can and it works out to about 3 hours a day of 'work' that I can do around housework/looking after just one child (and I only have a small flat, and don't iron, so it's not housework taking up those other 6 hours!).

The problem I find is the 'on-duty' ness of it. He plays happily on his own for a bit, he naps, but I can never reliably get a chunk of time to concentrate, and when he's napping I'm obviously tied to the house. So I completely understand the need for a bit of escape time (even just to pee in private would be a blessing)

My DP luckily is happy to feed/wash the baby/cook dinner/put on a load of washing/be asked to do something else but still it's the unrelenting responsibility (he's not so great at keeping an eye one eye on the baby when reading a magazine) which leads me to really relish leaving them for just 30 minutes to go for a walk, or go to the supermarket and do the weekly shop baby-less at a leisurely pace.

OP you need to find something that gives you a break - even if like me it's the rather sad enjoyment of buying the groceries - leaving it to fester will do no good at all. Does your DP have mates that do more with their kids to act as a good example?

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 16:24

I don't see the DH making many sacrifices.

ginmakesitallok · 14/05/2011 16:34

I worked full time with DD1 and am part-time now I've had DD2 - and for me it's just as hard work on the days I'm off with DD2 - except I can fit in coffee with friends, mornings in town etc etc.

Looking after children is as hard work as you make it.

I think curryspice talks sense (except for the ironing bit - impossible to iron with my 18 month old dashing about)

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 16:36

I never mentioned ironing ginmakesitallok.

How very dare you!! Angry

:o :o :o

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 16:43

I've had plenty of down time in previous paid jobs, thinking about it.

That's probably more to do with the nature of the work though - managing projects, sometimes it's manic and other times there's not that much to do.

I definitely sat on my arse a LOT when I worked Grin

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 16:47

Oh believe me, I am NOT on a wind up. I may be old fashioned, but I have a very happy marriage where I dont sit seething wirh resentment because my husband doesnt pick up the duster the moment he walks through the door and starts peeling the spuds.

I use the skills that my own mother taught me. Growing up, I dont recall my dad doing any cooking, or any housework. It was very much a traditional family. He did however spend time with me as I grew up, and would take me out most evenings to the park as soon as he got home from work, and swimming on saturday or sunday, if we were not going out anywhere as a family.

My mother was not chained to the kitchen sink, or chained to me. I was not dumped in front of a tv, or in a playpen ALL day long either. She did the housework around me, as well as looked after my elderly grandparents. She had no car, and did the shopping almost daily too. She didnt feel like her social status was diminished, as there is no shame at all in being a mother or a housewife.

The op has a valid point if her husband spends his entire weekend ignoring his children and her while he does his own personal projects, and they need addressing. If the only thing stopping the Op from handing over her children to their father and going out to do her own thing is because the child is breastfed, then only the Op can rectify that issue. If she is humphing and scowling because she assumes he would not take any interest in the children if she left them in his care, then that contradicts her post about how he plays with them for an hour nightly.