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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want some time to myself, to expect more from DH

116 replies

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:36

i have two children, dh works monday to friday and also by choice on sat on a project. i am pretty miffed that he does very little with them. he can do what he likes when he is not working yet i am 'working 24/7.' i dont begrudge my babies because i absolutely adore them but im miffed with him and his attitide. i resent it immensely. yes he works all week but so do I and unlike him i dont clock off at 630 and then rest. i do everything in the house. i am starting to seriously feel i shouldnt be with him. AIBU?

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 14/05/2011 15:07

Veronica YANBU with your original question about you dh needing to do more.

YABVVU however in how you are talking to the other posters on this thread. Don't come on AIBU if you only want people to agree with you and if you are describing frankly twattish behaviour from your dh then don't be upset when someone calls it that!

Original poster

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:09

why the bad language? why the gutter talk? apologies if im abrupt my answers are short because baby is asleep on me with other climbing off/ on my shoulder at intervals

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 15:10

I dont see how he is opting out of parenting. He is at work while the children are up, he gets home, plays with them for an hour (which if they are under 3 is probably all there is chance to do as it is their bedtime).

I certainly wouldnt expect my husband to come home and do work in the house after I have been at home all day.

If the Op wants to be able to go out and have time to herself, then it is upto the Op to enable that by changing the babys feeding methods to expressed breastmilk or formula, then handing over care of the children, and going out. Her husband can not physically grow breasts, and do the most vital part of childcare so the onus is on the Op to try and sort it if freedom is what she desires.

There is not a lot most men who work can do with their young children, and it isnt until the child is a bit older, stays up later, and is more independant that Dads get the chance to be more involved in their lives.

Original poster

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:11

i would not tolerate a man who goes down the pub every night thats not my type so yes thats something to take from this threads thx

OP posts:

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:14

"I certainly wouldnt expect my husband to come home and do work in the house after I have been at home all day."

I would, if I too had been working at home all day.

If I'd been sitting on my arse all day drinking starbucks, then that's different. But most mothers of small children are working all day if they are at home, there is absoltuely no reason why they should work longer hours than their husbands.

Original poster

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:18

i make my dh life as easy as i can during the week so he can come home and relax and do nothing, yes my days are longer but i dont mind. so at weekends i expect some extra support. its annoying to have to even ask. yes small children are full on but i love being with them. like i have said before its the attitude that bugs me

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 14/05/2011 15:19

IME the majority of mums take to childcare like ducks to water and selflessly nurturing their offspring is an instinctive and inherent trait.

This isn't the case for many fathers who can feel excluded from the mother/baby bonding process.

You say you've been disappointed in your dh since you had your first dc. Could it be that he hasn't been taught/instructed or otherwise persuaded to assume any responsibility for the care of your 2 dcs from day one?

Does he return home from work at regular times, liaise with you if he has to work late or wishes to engage in outside activities, or does he generally act as if he's got no dw/dcs?

If it's the latter, you may have morphed into his mum and one way of stopping the rot is to withdraw the element of your labour that oils his wheels and allows to him continue acting like a selfish twunt.

GypsyMoth · 14/05/2011 15:20

sounds like you need to communicate with your husband

shubiedoo · 14/05/2011 15:21

If your younger baby is still quite small, it shouldn't be a big deal to just take that one out. Go for a long walk with the buggy around naptime, then stop for a nice coffee and a read. Let daddy play with the older one, organize a Saturday class (swimming, gym etc.) just for the two of them if he needs inspiration!

Original poster

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:24

i have communicated with him and i have to like it and lump it. i cant take just one on a weekend because i know he will be ignored at home and that isnt fair. plus i will get the usual response of - im working

OP posts:

shubiedoo · 14/05/2011 15:28

So what is he doing all weekend long? It is really selfish not even to give you a couple of hours. You should post in the Relationships topic for advice about leaving him!

Shakirasma · 14/05/2011 15:28

My DH is a great help around the house. He really pulls his weight, he works full time and I work part time.

Before I went back to work, when I was a stay at home mum, I had very little expectation of him in terms of house work and childcare. If you are at home all day then it is perfectly reasonable for you to do the domestic chores whilst he is at work. If you have got that covered it also means he can spend quality time with the kids when he gets home.

In all seriousness, you are still an individual person as well as a mum and of couse you need some me time sometimes. Everybody does! But I do think it's easier being a stay at home parent than being a worker.

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:29

Have you really communicated with him though?

Have you explained to him that you feel disrespected and unvalued by him and that when one partner in a marriage makes the other partner feel like that, it corrodes love and respect and threatens their long term relationship?

A lot of men don't understand just how corrosive of love this lack of respect is until they get the divorce papers served on them, by which time it's too late.

Explain it to him now, so that you don't wake up in five years time realising that actually, you don't wnat to explain it anymore, all the loves gone anyway and you just want out.

NerfHerder · 14/05/2011 15:30

Why are you with him?

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:31

This isn't about whether it's easier to be a SAHM or a WOHM.

it's about the fact that the OP is married to a man who doesn't respect her work, becasue it's unpaid and has no status, because it's mostly done by women.

It's about respect. IMO

zikes · 14/05/2011 15:32

It's not unreasonable to expect him to do some chores and childcare at the weekend.

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 15:36

most mothers of small children are working all day if they are at home

doing what exactly?

I am genuinely intrigued as to how looking after 2 children ties someone up ALL day long.

spidookly · 14/05/2011 15:37

I couldn't love or respect someone so lazy and inconsiderate.

spidookly · 14/05/2011 15:39

I'm intrigued as to how someone looking after 2 children under 3 all day could have loads of free time to sit around relaxing.

I mean I guess if you ignore your children in the old 50s housewife way so you can have lots of free time to do the ironing.

But if you are taking good care of toddlers and babies, you are busy.

TanteRose · 14/05/2011 15:40

what do you do on Sundays? go out as a family?

you said that your older DC would be "ignored" if you left him with your DH alone. Really? Have you tried going out with the baby and leaving the older one with his Dad? Or asking his dad to take him to the park on a Sunday or something?

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:42

Don't you have small children ST?

You can't go to the gym, you can't go in the garden and do what you want, you have to look after your children, playing with them, trying to get them to "help" with the housework etc.

Or did your kids do the laundry while you went to teh gym?

Looking after small children, even when they are asleep or playing or whatever, means that you are not free to do something you may want to do, because you have to take into consideration the fact taht the children may interrupt and need feeding/ changing/ interraction. That is work. When nannies or childminders do it, we pay them for it and call it work. When mothers do it, we call it sitting on your arse. Because mother's work is not respected.

Original poster

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:42

yes the only time you can do anything is when they are asleep - at the same time i may add. i do cook but cant give it the attention i would like because they are playing around too - im sure you can imagine. they also push each other a bit so yes busy. but i know they will grow so fast so im making the most of it all as best i can

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 15:42

Quite spidookly. I would think they were a lazy twat tbh

Shakirasma · 14/05/2011 15:43

I didn't say it was about SAHM v WOHM. I am saying that out of the 2 parent involved here the OP has got the easier job.

And I think that is entirely relevant to the op's situation because her husband is at work all day he thinks his working day should be over when he gets home.

And my point is that I agree with him on the whole, but feel that the OP is not unreasonable to want some time to herself sometimes

Original poster

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:43

HerBeX i second that

OP posts:

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