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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some time to myself, to expect more from DH

116 replies

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 14:36

i have two children, dh works monday to friday and also by choice on sat on a project. i am pretty miffed that he does very little with them. he can do what he likes when he is not working yet i am 'working 24/7.' i dont begrudge my babies because i absolutely adore them but im miffed with him and his attitide. i resent it immensely. yes he works all week but so do I and unlike him i dont clock off at 630 and then rest. i do everything in the house. i am starting to seriously feel i shouldnt be with him. AIBU?

OP posts:
shubiedoo · 14/05/2011 15:43

Really, squeakytoy? Have you ever spent a whole day with 2 kids under 3? They probably don't nap at the same time, and that's the only time you're not on duty. And if the baby is still fully breastfed, the mum is probably up half the night anyway so would like to nap too. At work you have scheduled breaks for lunch and coffee. Try explaining that to a baby. And you have household work to do too, it's hard to mop a floor when the 3 year old is knocking the bucket over, or hang out the washing when the baby wakes up and starts screaming. You are multitasking all day long. Some people find it easy, some don't, I found that gap really hard. It's much better now that they're 2 and 4.

But then my husband would actually help when has home. If mine hadn't I would have been really angry too.

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 15:47

I've got two under three as well.

I do most of the housework in the week, fitting it in around the children. Sadly this means I don't have much time to sit on my arse in Starbucks Hmm Although I am amused by the idea that I could just sit there on my arse with a mad toddler and mobile baby Grin

Weekends are not part of the working week. The children and the house are both of our responsibility at the weekend. If my DH occasionally says or does something neanderthal I point it out to him. For example, I made the children's tea last Sunday and he sat with them while he ate it. He then said "I'll take these plates inside for you." I pointed that, no, he was taking the plates inside not for me, but because it needed doing and he was as capable as I was of doing it.

Takeresponsibility · 14/05/2011 15:48

I do verything I can to make DPs life easy, equally he does everything in his power to make my life easy. This is equality, respect and a reasonablr relationship IMO.

It would appear your DH sees his role as the wage earner and yours as the home-maker, and he feels you are trying to pass some of youe "work" on to him as well as expecting him to to his own.

Naturally you should have had the division of labour conversation BEFORE having your first child let alone the second but you didn't so you now need to retrieve the situation.

It wuls appear that you feel the labour is not divided equally in your household and he does. You need to explain to him why you feel things should change, and he needs to explain why he feels they should stay as they are. A conversation along the lines of "I want this", "well I don't so tough" is NOT communicating, it is two children squabbling.

If the children are in bed from 20:00-06:30 you are not working 24/7, I have raised two children whilst working full time and doing an OU degree I suspect you are both feeling a bit hard done by and this can only be resolved by proper communication - noy with us, with each other.

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 15:49

I mean I guess if you ignore your children in the old 50s housewife way so you can have lots of free time to do the ironing.

But if you are taking good care of toddlers and babies, you are busy

Rubbish! Children do not need constant attention at every waking moment. You manage your time around their naps and you have a routine that you as the parent create, not be led by the child. A child in a playpen with toys is not a neglected child, nor is it any danger, while you get on with a bit of ironing for half an hour a couple of times a week.

Dusting and polishing does not take up an inordinate amount of time on a daily basis, neither does cooking or using a washing machine.

Taking children to the park for fresh air is hardly "work", it is part and parcel of raising your family.

I have a friend with 7 children and a husband who works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week (he needs to, to support a family that size!) and she still manages to have free time, despite the youngest being 6 months old.

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:50

"I am saying that out of the 2 parent involved here the OP has got the easier job."

Sorry but you are wrong. For some people, SAHMing is easier, for some WOHMing is easier.

WOHMing is better rewarded, has higher status, and has more respect. I find it infinitely easier than SAHMing.

But I don't expect everyone find it easier - some people are better at lookign after small children than others. Just because I find wroking outside the home easier than looking after chldren, doesn't mean I think everyone does. We're all different. So it's very unsupportive to tell the OP that she has the easier job, it doesn't sound like she has - she certainly does more hours.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:50

i am bf through the night so i do consider myself on 24/7 so to speak

OP posts:
babybrioche · 14/05/2011 15:51

"most mothers of small children are working all day if they are at home

doing what exactly?

I am genuinely intrigued as to how looking after 2 children ties someone up ALL day long."

It doesn't if you do it badly and let them sit in front of the TV all day.
Some of us like to do it well though.

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 15:53

I can't quite work you out OP

I think I can smell burning martyr from your house though!

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:53

squeakytoy - ironing whilst the kids are around LOL! that is a no no! i would say more but its already been said by few of the others with 2 under 3

and bravo to your friends wife

OP posts:
Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:54

thanks CurrySpice :)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 15:55

ironing whilst the kids are around LOL! that is a no no

eh? why on earth is that? I managed it, my mother managed it, and everyone else I know manages it.

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 15:55

My toddler stopped napping at 20mo before my second was born. Pray tell squeakytoy how I manage my time around her naps?

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 15:56

"Taking children to the park for fresh air is hardly "work", it is part and parcel of raising your family. "

Yes, it is, it is WORK. If it is done by a nany or a childminder, it is work. It is work when a mother does it. If she doesn't do it, she's neglecting their need for fresh air and social interaction. If she didn't do it, someone else would have to. It is a necessary task, and while she's doing it, she can't do somehting else that she might prefer to do. By doing it, she enables the other person to earn money for the family. It is WORK, parenting is work. It isn't called work because if it were, men would have to respect it and respect women for doing it.

I really hate women undermining their own work and societal value like this.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 15:58

well squeakytoy my chilldren make a bee line for the ironing board so i put their safety first and do it at night

bravo for all the other brilliant women you know, you know so many

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 15:58

Erm..it wasn't a compliment OP :o (or a complement - can never remember which is which and cba to JFGI)

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 15:58

Are playpens banned now? did I miss that one? Has someone decided that it is some form of child cruelty to put your toddler in one so that you can get on with things around them while they happily play..

Shakirasma · 14/05/2011 15:58

Just because some of us found being a SAHM easy it does not mean we were doing it wrong or badly.

Meglet · 14/05/2011 15:59

It's a piece of piss when they are in a playpen. What do you do when they are older and don't go in a playpen anymore?

I would never get the iron out when the kids are around, same goes for mowing the lawn, they grab anything I am trying to do. I can't go to the loo without someone hollering / bashing the door / each other etc....

OP - your DH sounds like a knob. My XP expected me to be on call 24/7, if I dared suggest it wasn't acceptable I would get my head bitten off. As for just walking out and letting him get on with it, I wouldn't have dared, he would have flipped and screamed I was an unfit mother.

HerBeX · 14/05/2011 16:00

Ironing while kids are around is dangerous.

I hate this "I manged it therefore you should" attitude. It's unhelpful and unsupportive.

babybrioche · 14/05/2011 16:01

Was the to me shakirasma? I never said people who find it easy aren't doing it properly.

I said that looking after children properly does tie you up all day.

CurrySpice · 14/05/2011 16:01

Meglet, we're not allowed to use a swear word about him Shock

He may be a knobby twat but he's her knobby twat and she gets touchy :o

shubiedoo · 14/05/2011 16:01

The discussion is not really about ironing or who has it easier. We're talking about a man who when on his own with his 3 year old SON for a couple of hours, would ignore him rather than feed him, look after him, play with him. It is a serious problem when your husband takes so little interest in his child.

Original poster
veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 16:02

Shakirasma thats great you find it easy. i think i too find it easy in the sense that being the mother of the child you always want whats best for them and will do what you have to do. i am sure other mums will agree with that definition. that doesnt mean it isnt also exhausting from time to time

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 16:03

I really hate women undermining their own work and societal value like this

And I really pity the women who make themselves out to be unpaid martyrs when they are raising the children that they chose to have. If you decide to have a child and want to be a SAHM then yes, you are a valuable part of society, but you are working as a team, and the other half of that team is your husband who is going out to work to enable you to have the choice of being able to stay at home.

Meglet · 14/05/2011 16:03