Ashamed - state of my house AIBU?

[handsoffmycake]

Growing up our house was really filthy, so much so we had beetles in food cupboards, whole house smelt of wee and nothing ever really got cleaned. It was awful and I could never invite friends around as I was so ashamed.

Fast forward to my own home now as a grown up and I am still not able to invite anyone back as I am still ashamed of my own house. Though its no-where near as bad as what I grew up with.

Its a largish old victorian terrace, I have 2DC under 3s (nearly) and a dog who maults all the time. It doesn't seem to matter how much I clean, things get messy so fast. I am not just talking about toys everywhere and oodles of washing, I mean things like dusting and mud splashes all over etc. It really gets me down.

Not only that we have very very little money and due to circumstances out of my control our finances will not be improving for a while. As a result our house really needs decorating but we cannot afford it. Our front room window was replaced recently (we are private rented) and we cannot afford to buy new curtains or rail so we have a large throw nailed across the bay that I tie in the middle in the day. Its like a doss house!

Everything is so dated and depressing and I am sure it adds to my depression. I feel if I invite someone back they will look at my home and judge me (in a bad way)

What I am asking is AIBU to think this? I do struggle with depression and I do not know if I am too sensitive to this issue. Will anyone actually care what my home looks like (as long as its as tidy and clean as I can get it?)

I would love to be able to say to people "would you like to pop to mine for a cuppa?" but I cant.

Sometimes you go to somebody's house and it is immaculate. I don't know how they do it. I don't work and I always say 'I am not a stay at home mother so that I can spend all day cleaning'.

One of my friends is a full on proper hoarder and I go there to her house and it doesn't make me like her any less. She is lovely!

Should the landlord not be in charge of paying for a curtain rail and re decorating?

If they mind they don't matter, those that matter don't mind.

I got a bit like this, and just worked at a room at a time, having a clear out (ebay is great for getting rid and earning a bit) and cleaning. Once a room was tidy I would ensure it was tidy each night and then moved onto the next one.

It is hard with two small children, but this will get easier as they get older and you can give each child a duster and get them to 'help' in the meantime.

YANBU in how you feel, but you need to do something about the situation if you are not happy with it.

It is rubbish, not having the money to redecorate. My house is just starting to be nice (in places!) after living here for 5 years and not having the money to do it up. It does make you feel self conscious about asking people round, but I have still done it. You just need to pretend you haven't noticed your home is not Homes&Gardens standard and brazen it out.

I have had some excellent curtains from Oxfam very cheap, and you could get a rail via freecycle or a plastic track v cheap from Wilkinsons or similar...it sounds like that window is really bothering you.

Your house is NOT in any way like the filth you grew up in and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Ok, you need to tackle this because your environment will definitely be contributing to your depression.

You don't need money to keep it clean. You need 5 minutes to zip round with a hoover to collect hair each day, and that will also reduce the dust lots. Then a hot soapy cloth over walls and light switches and clean up any marks as best you can. Freecycle is highly likely to have a curtain for you - or charity shops often have them for a couple of pounds.

Now, people with children have messy houses. The smaller the children the worse it is. When I first met many of my mum friends we'd have our houses tidy for each other. Nowadays we've all realised that life is just like this with DC and it's a blessed relief to go and visit someone and feel relaxed about it - having visitors is about enjoying their company, not impressing them.

Unless your friends are horrible people, and as long as your house is relatively clean, they'll be happy to visit you :)

Would definitely ask landlord for curtain rail and curtains.

There are a couple of things you can do - either keep it as clean as possible and to hell with what people think. Or make a concerted effort to tart it up. Last month I bought a curtain rail at the local car boot for £3 and curtains from a charity shop for £2. Look on Freegle too - plenty of stuff being given away.
But honestly - if someone judges you based on your home then then they are an utter wanker you wouldn't want in your life anyway.

I know just what you mean handsof

I always think that the way I see my house is the way I see myself, if that makes sense. If I'm sensitive about the way it looks it's a kind of barometer of how I feel about myself.

I get about the curtains too, also the v v poor. Are you any good with the sewing machine? When I was v v poor I made a blind out of scraps - all the same fabric but I know where the (many) seams are - I could get a proper blind now but I keep it as a reminder of the days when I made stew out of a chairleg (that's a joke btw). YOu can also get curtains in charity shops, make a rail out of broom handles (get them in hardware stores, about £3 each), hunt around for fixings and curtain rings in charity shops or in the sales. I think there are also curtain exchanges - free, or v low price, curtains for people on a low income.

imo the key to a tidy house is storage, somewhere to put everything and close the door. But it sounds like you have a lot of shame still about your family home, the one you grew up in. Shame is so deadly, creeping in and spoiling everything.

YANBU. Are you on ADs? wonderful stuff at the right time.

I dont think yabu. It must be hard.

Can you start off with small jobs to tidy it gradually instead of trying to tackle it all? Eg every day keep the sink clean, then move onto doing a load of washing every day, etc etc. Have a look in the fly lady threads in good housekeeping topic for ideas.

Also worth checking out freecycle for curtains etc. You could even get blinds which require no pole or rail. I've certainly given away stuff like that on freecycle so I'm sure you could find decent stuff, just keep checking every day (if you sign up for emails it's easier to keep track).

I used to live in a similar type of house when I was a kid and now as an adult I don't always keep on top of stuff but DH comes from a very clean household so he spurs me on (nicely of course!)

Is it possible you can maximise freecycle to your advantage? I'd have thought things like a curtain rail and curtains are unlikely to fetch cash on ebay as they're heavy & bulky to post.

Please don't feel ashamed - and anyone who judges you on the state of your house is an asshat! I do sympathise though.

And use freecycle.

Thanks savoycabbage I need to hear that not everyones houses are show homes! All the houses I have been to are very new and clean and tidy!

The house is rented unfurnished so no help from landlord there.

I would be relieved if I came to your house for a cuppa... seriously though I visit people in their homes all day long as part of my job and it varies hugely.. some people live in sterile clean weirdness...some are really messy and dirty and there is loads inbetween. If someone judges you on your hose then their are not worth knowing. My house is 180 years old, dusty with many DIY projects waiting to be started/completed and is a complete money pit.. I try and keep it tidy..ish but its never really clean, there is always dust and bits on the sofa and the dishes pile up constantly... I used to stress about it but am much more relaxed these days...seriously it does not matter

No, not unreasonable at all. If my house gets in a state it really gets me down.

I would have thought fixtures and fittings, and decorating would be down to your landlord? What do they say?
If he refuses to decorate, could you strike a deal and ask him to pay for the materials and you DIY?
And don't forget Freecycle. You can put a wanted ad on for the curtain pole and curtains. Sign up to a few local ones. Get some microfibre clothes to clean the mud and wipe down the Walls. See if you can borrow a steamcleaner and do everything. Hire one if necessary as a one off and do it top to bottom to get on top of it. Including carpets and floors. Adopt a shoes off policy in the house.
Most people won't be put off if the house is clean and reasonably tidy. Keep the dogs off the furniture and get some throws to cover things up.

Dp starts decorating - then stops. Not all my skirtings are there or attatched. I have a half finished bathroom in fact only the dds' room is finished. It needs a damn good deep clean but its not dirty. A friend popped round unannounced yesterday and I thought "clean it quick!". No point, it would look no better. It does get me down but people have to take me as they find me. We dont have spare cash for decorating, we both work and we live in a hovel - but its my hovel ! I find its best to tackle the house one drawer at a time , it gives you a feel good feeling rather than despairing at the bigger picture (oh and budget price humungous tin of magnolia paint to hide multitude of sins and make the place look a bit brighter) 'If they're proper friends they're there to see you, not your house !

I don't care WHAT people's houses are like as long as they are clean :)

Have you looked in charity shops for curtains, they are often in there or are you near an IKEA - you can get curtains in there for less than a tenner?

With regards to keeping a house clean - it DOES take a huge amount of time, the only way I keep on top of it is to do a bit every day. Wet wipes are my favourite thing - SO good for splashes on skirting boards and wiping down kitchen cupboards!

If finances can stretch to a big tin of cream paint, it can make all the difference. We have done this in rented places and every time we've finished both dh and I remark on what a difference a coat of paint makes! We have painted over truly horrible wall paper in the past and the transformation has been amazing! And it will spur you on to keeping it clean.

One of the reasons my home is always tidy is that in the past I have suffered with depression and I feel SO much better and able to cope with things if the house is clean and tidy - it's hard work but imo worth it.

I also always buy paint at the big DIY stores from the cheap section - usually paint that has been mixed and the customer didn't like it. Painted the entire woodwork in my house with 2 huge cans for a total of £8. Also wallpaper from their sale bins eg £1 a roll.

Where's the landlord in all this btw?

the most worthwhile thing that you can do with your time is enjoy your children. but if the state of your house is beginning to depress you then you need to do something about it, not for anybody else but for yourself.
start small. what about a blind for the window?

also remember that those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter.

your house is your haven. when the dc are in bed, you need to be able to relax. it's only important for you.

if i go to messy houses, i feel relieved.
think about changes you could make on a limited budget.

Make a plan. Do one room at a time. Get some cardboard boxes to put all the toys into, clear everything into the middle of the room, and wipe down the walls and clean skirting boards. You can easily do a room in an hour.

Its a vicious circle when you are depressed and trust me, if you do just one room, you will feel better.

Wilkinsons sell really cheap curtain rail, or you can pick up some voile or nets for under a tenner and a wire for them for a couple of quid.

Clutter is fine, nobody expects to go into a show house, but cobwebs and dust dont need to be there. Invite someone round, it will spur you on to make the effort. (That is what works for me!).

OOh lots of replies. Many thanks. I have started to look on freecycle. I am saving up for curtains and a rail but that money will probably have to be used for a bill or clothes for the children.

I try and keep on top of things as best I can I am SAHM but could literally spend all day tidying and then have it look no different in a few hours time.

You have made me feel better with positive replies thanks.

Sympathy fromn here too! Your landlord should provide a curtain rail for you and s/he is unreasonable not to!

Once you have your curtain rail, put a 'wanted' ad on your local freecyle. Try being specific about what you want otherwise you could end up with absolute crap something that the owner is too lazy to take to the dump. I made a request for curtains on freecyle, (politely!) requesting that they should be heavy (streetlights directly outside window) and a plain colour. Some lovely people had just the thing for me and I ended up with brand new dark brown velvety curtains which someone had bought for their bedroom and then decided were too dark. Also, remember to give the measurements of the window on freecycle. You would be surprised what people have cluttering up their cupboards.

I frequently feel overwhelmed by mess, too. Teenagers leave crap absolutely everywhere (socks down the back of the hallway radiator FFS!) and I have language students that I have to cook and clean for AND a job, so keeping on top of housework is an uphill struggle! You are not alone, OP! When it gets overwhelming I try to tackle one room at a time and try to make sure - and this is key for me! - that I'm not tidying one room by tranferring the mess to another, which is something I used to do a lot. Basically I was moving piles of shit from one room to another; now I try to get rid of stuff on a more regular basis. I do think, though, that when you don't have much money it's difficult to get rid of stuff in case it comes in useful again and you know you can't afford to replace stuff.

Good luck OP!

Landlord owns loads of houses in my county. He works on a very much you leave me alone I leave you alone policy. Which works great - sometimes.

If we have a big job needs doing he is quite quick to get sorted - recently the joists under the floor in hallway were sagging and it was done a few days after reporting. He says he has nothing to do with the decorating - including curtain rails.

May have to have a word though as the plastering job done by the men who fitted new windows is not the best. Our back living room was also done and my husband put up a curtain rail and curtains and they fell on my head shortly after.

Mind you maybe that has more to do with my DH DIY skills.

I'm another who just feel better if things are clear and tidy. I kind of agree with the statement for me anyway that the chaos around thee is a sign of the chaos in me. I tend to lose stuff so need to stay organised.

I wouldn't judge someone else, not for one moment and I think people who do have no clue.

But if my house gets really messy I feel overwhelmed.

I have a cupboard full of clothes that I can't bear to open and one room is a no go area but I keep my kitchen and living room tidy and my garden tidy - as I see those areas as a little sanctuary from the world.

My DH helps an awful awful lot though.

But invite people round, your house is not the house you grew up with. People want good company and that is not dependent on the state of a house.

I say invite people round - people might be able to help you with curtains if you need help.

I remember dating an electrician - we didn't go out for long at all and actually were really just kind of friends - but he was a decent guy. I invited -- which was in pretty poor condition. He quietly and quickly rewired part of the electrics of the house because I think he could see my parents were not coping and just did it because he wanted to help and probably he realised the lighting was dangerous but he didn't make anyone including me or my parents feel uncomfortable. It was a huge help. And I would have been stupid to be ashamed of inviting him around. Shame is a big burden and I hope you can unload it.

Also people and money are fluid. I don't define people by what they own and whether they have money and time to keep their living spaces tidy.

Invite people over for a cuppa.

Also I dont have loads of friends - the people I would like to invite back are new people who I would like to get to know better. It would be less scary if they were established friends who knew me!

curtain rails can be stupidly expensive. I've got bay windows and it's a nightmare getting something cheap for them. I got a blacksmith to make up one of them and also the fixings. That was £8 at the time but would probably be more now, but not much more? I got the rings in a charity shop. I think if you got those curtains sorted out you'd feel a lot better OP - I know I did after I had fabric at the window pinned up with pin-tacks (the holes are still there) which I had to get on a chair to unpin/pin up every day. When I finally got the curtains I sat there looking at them, opening and closing them - fantastic!