Ashamed - state of my house AIBU?

[handsoffmycake]

Growing up our house was really filthy, so much so we had beetles in food cupboards, whole house smelt of wee and nothing ever really got cleaned. It was awful and I could never invite friends around as I was so ashamed.

Fast forward to my own home now as a grown up and I am still not able to invite anyone back as I am still ashamed of my own house. Though its no-where near as bad as what I grew up with.

Its a largish old victorian terrace, I have 2DC under 3s (nearly) and a dog who maults all the time. It doesn't seem to matter how much I clean, things get messy so fast. I am not just talking about toys everywhere and oodles of washing, I mean things like dusting and mud splashes all over etc. It really gets me down.

Not only that we have very very little money and due to circumstances out of my control our finances will not be improving for a while. As a result our house really needs decorating but we cannot afford it. Our front room window was replaced recently (we are private rented) and we cannot afford to buy new curtains or rail so we have a large throw nailed across the bay that I tie in the middle in the day. Its like a doss house!

Everything is so dated and depressing and I am sure it adds to my depression. I feel if I invite someone back they will look at my home and judge me (in a bad way)

What I am asking is AIBU to think this? I do struggle with depression and I do not know if I am too sensitive to this issue. Will anyone actually care what my home looks like (as long as its as tidy and clean as I can get it?)

I would love to be able to say to people "would you like to pop to mine for a cuppa?" but I cant.

I find the phrase " Would you like to come in for coffee? You'll have to excuse the state of the house, we are in the process of decorating" covers it quite well

Much empathy here. Especially with my parents' house - slugs, beetles... And they've got rats now. I am angry with them about it. I can never go to my family home now (no way am I taking the DCs there).

My house is rented too and it's a right tip, we are really struggling ATM for many reasons. I do console myself with the knowledge it could be worse.

Curtain rails should be provided even in an unfurnished house shouldn't they? Because they are attached to the wall?

As for the actual curtains, measure the windows and keep a note of them in your purse/bag. I work in a charity shop and we sell decent curtains with surprising frequency!

curtains?

I don't know the sizings- but I can measure and let you know - but I have 2 sets of curtains like this - they are eyelet curtains and black out curtains. They are near new - and are not quite the same pattern as the link but they are the same make. I could send you these and I'll cover the postage.

I also am about to update my bay window curtains - although these ones are pretty basic but again are in good condition and I'm only changing them because I painted the walls - so would be happy to send you a bay window curtain ( which is currently on a rail like set up) also.

If you pm your measurements I'll check what my measurements are and post you curtains early next week if they suit. That way you would just need to get some curtain poles.

springydaffs I nearly cried with relief reading that you had the same thing! It is a bay and poles are expensive. I think it will be a cheap plastic rail thing that we end up getting but not sure if it will attach well to the plaster job?

I just want to open and close some curtains in my living room. Its not asking much!!!

OP post the measurements and fingers crossed one set of my curtains might cover it!

Cheap plastic rails work fine if you have a gathered curtain look. If you have trouble with them attaching to plaster then you need to put some little blocks of wood around where the curtain rail would go and attach the curtain rail to the blocks of wood (I'm probably not making sense right now!).

But you do have some good friends? Have you spoken to them about it? Because if you were my friend and told me how you were feeling I'd be round with my marigolds. And my screw-driver - I'm much more competent than DH with all things DIY. Also won't wait for him to get round to it.
Speak to your landlord. It's his investment, and if you left he'd have to do it anyway.
Or ask someone to takes the DCs for a day. No excuses, no interruptions.
Sign up to Groupin, livingsocial and KGB deals. Sometimes they have cleaning packages where they'll sent two cleaners round for 3 hours for a very, very reduced rate. As a one-off it could be worth it.

LeroyJethroGibbs and annawintour I am so so grateful for your lovely offers. I never expected that when I posted.

I would have to get back to you on the sizes as I am frightened of heights and cannot get up the ladder to measure properly. Will have to get DH to help me when he gets home from work.

Really touched. Thankyou.

i hate my house. its not filthy, just not very clean. i have 5 children, 2 dogs and a husband. there are little diy jobs that need doing everywhere. the garden is shameful as the dogs just destroyed it. i dont invite people over anymore :(

What dimension curtains do you need and where are you? Most people have some curtains up in the loft from old houses they were in where they no longer fit (I know I do)

Re the rail - you may find it cheaper to get a curtain track. They bend to fit a bay and are much cheaper than bay curtain rails - around £15-25 depending on length. Which I realise you may not be able to afford at the moment but would be an easier thing to save for.

And as for the housekeeping, you could try the Flylady method? If you head over to the Good Housekeeping section, there are people starting new threads all the time, they'll talk you through it. It's nice to have a bit of encouragement sometimes!

Groupon, sorry.

handsoffmycake even if unfurnished I think your landlord ought to provide a rail as it's a fixture but having rented for a long time myself I can understand why you wouldn't want to ask. It would pehaps be worth mentioning the plaster job, afterall he's paid to have it done and he might be grateful for you telling him it's not been done properly.

When our flat was looking shabby we asked our lanlords if we could deduct the cost of paint from our rent if we painted it ourselves. That way the landlord got a virtually free paint job and we got what we wanted too.

I have to go - DD has a v bad cold today and will not settle. Thanks so much for replies I will post later and measure my window.

You have made me feel so much better about my day. Thankyou.

i know these are a bit student-houswe type thing, but we have bought the argos bamboo blinds whenver we have moved and dont have curtains to fit.

www.argos.co.uk/static/Browse/ID72/14417940/c_1/1%7Ccategory_root%7CHome+and+furniture%7C14417894/c_2/2%7C14417894%7CCurtains%2C+blinds+and+accessories%7C14417937/c_3/3%7Ccat_14417937%7CBlinds%7C14417940.htm

they start at £3.99. for a bay window you could buy three?

TheHouseofMirth I will speak to landlord on Monday. Its worth asking!

Ah this thread has made me smile - so many generous people out there

sorry, clicky link www.argos.co.uk/static/Browse/ID72/14417940/c_1/1%7Ccategory_root%7CHome+and+furniture%7C14417894/c_2/2%7C14417894%7CCurtains%2C+blinds+and+accessories%7C14417937/c_3/3%7Ccat_14417937%7CBlinds%7C14417940.htm

If you are finding it hard to make time to clean, get the children to 'help'. My dd is two, and although she doesn't do any helping in the sense that she gets stuff done, if I am dusting and polishing, for example, if I give her a duster, she happily wipes it over everything within reach under the illusion that she is helping. It keeps her quiet for a bit which gives me time to do something useful, but we can also chat away and I don't feel guilty about doing housework instead of spending time with her. Sometimes I put a CD of nursery rhymes on as it makes me feel better that I never got round to any singing groups or any of these other 'educational' things. Dusting and singing it is! There are jobs I find it really hard to make time for (cleaning the oven, for example, a bit more intense than dusting) but I can keep on top of the light housework even with dd around.

As others have suggested, get one room straight and then try and keep it sorted as you at least have one tidy place to go and sit in. And again, get the children to help you put toys away at the end of each day. We haven't had vast amounts of success at this but I like to feel I'm teaching her about tidyness (ha!) and it gets her toys away at the end of the day before bed. And sometimes, she even joins in!

I find setting targets for myself helps in this, if I have one room I need to sort out. Choose the room (kitchen or living room are my starting points when the whole house is a mess) and then try and make a list of what you want to do (clean windows, hoover, dust, sort out toys, whatever it is) and then tick things off as you go through it. It's amazing how much you can get done once you're focussed on what needs doing, and even if you don't get everything on the list done as soon as you'd like, if you can see how far through you are you can see you are making progress even if it is not yet perfect.

And if people judge you solely on the state of your house, then judge them right back on the state of their attitude and decide they're not worth it! Everyone with small children has a mess somewhere. Maybe they've just bundled it into the spare room seconds before your arrival and are silently praying that you don't open that door (while looking for the toilet) and see the hidden skeletons!!

Good luck.

Handsoff - I completely understand your point about it being new friends, and therefore being unsure as to how they'll view you, and your house. I can sometimes feel so overwhelmed by my house too (have two under 4), and it does get me down. I agree with other posters though who advise to attack it room by room, making it a more manageable task. In terms of inviting people round, stick to the places they'll actually see. So, dishes washed and put away. Wipe down worktops and quick sweep of floor. Clean toilet is a must, and give bathroom sink a wipe round while you're there. And that's about it. It's so much more doable when you look at it like that, and all that is definitely no more than half an hour's work at the most. Clutter/toys/paperwork lying around doesn't matter a jot to anyone visiting. You're doing what you can with two little ones underfoot - anyone worth hanging out with will know that!

with young children it is so hard to keep everything immaculate i work full time with a four year old and one year old and a husband who does nt do very much in the way of cleaning he takes them out for a few hours once or twice a week and i try to give everthing a good clean but most people with young kids homes look like mine

Flylady worked for me. It's a cheesy American website for people like me who would get overwhelmed by the state of their homes. Breaks jobs down into properly manageable chunks, establishes routines. I don't do it all now, having passed through the almost religious zeal stage with it, but now my house is generally visitor fit give or take the little bit of mess that makes people feel unthreatened (!). I don't notice the diy jobs as much and feel less stressed. Flylady.net. Second the freecycle idea too and quick cream paint job.

cake - don't be too down on the idea of a plastic rails - I have a pole in my bay window and actually it can be quite irritating, you have to get "passing rings" to go past the bits that attach it to the window and mine keep falling off. Poles are really expensive and lets face it, what you really need is something up at the window.

Some people will judge you on what your house looks like, but IME, they are in a minority and every single one of the people who didn't want to know me because of how my house looked weren't worth knowing.
You will never please everyone.
I have been in immaculate houses where I couldn't relax, where I was afraid to sit back in case I crushed the cushion display. Everywhere was pristine, like a showhouse, cream carpets everywhere, not somewhere I'd take my DC, yet her whole house was beautiful and the decor was perfect. I felt uncomfortable though.

I have been in many many houses where there's toys everywhere, and washing up to be done and floors to be hoovered, and I've sat down, enjoyed a cup of tea and a chat, and felt comfortable whilst DC played happily.

I suppose what is important is how you feel about your home. It will never be to everyone's liking, that's the beauty of having our own homes, we can make them as we like them, but if you like your home, then don't worry what other people think. If they are rude, or judge you and don't return based on your home, they are truly not worth knowing, and why would you want a friend who you feel you have to have your home a certain way for??

Surely your home is your castle, not your visitors?

My best friends house is a right state. Dirty walls from top to bottom with children's handprints, cupboard doors hanging off, holes in the kitchen floor, it's all a right state (and they have a cleaner!)
I love going there. My kids love going there. I always come away feeling a bit jealous (and more often than not a bit drunk) because we've all had a lovely time.
It's not that she doesn't care, it's just other things take priority. She always has people dropping in, and is always inviting her children's friends over (she has 4). Her children won't remember the cupboard door hanging off, they'll remember having a happy, full of life, home.
I wish I was more like her.

misdee - you may not have a perfect house, but you have a full life and I know the sort of person I'd rather be mates with. When you've spent the day entertaining children and walking dogs you are likely to be a far more interesting person to chat to than someone who has spent the day with their kids in front of the TV while they repeatedly mop the kitchen floor.

thnak ou babyby thesea. my house usually looks like a branch of ELC.

i try to keep the downstairs tidy and semi-clean, and deal with the upstairs as and when.

the benefits of having a downstairs loo mens that most of the time visitors dont have any reasons to go upstairs