Ashamed - state of my house AIBU?

[handsoffmycake]

Growing up our house was really filthy, so much so we had beetles in food cupboards, whole house smelt of wee and nothing ever really got cleaned. It was awful and I could never invite friends around as I was so ashamed.

Fast forward to my own home now as a grown up and I am still not able to invite anyone back as I am still ashamed of my own house. Though its no-where near as bad as what I grew up with.

Its a largish old victorian terrace, I have 2DC under 3s (nearly) and a dog who maults all the time. It doesn't seem to matter how much I clean, things get messy so fast. I am not just talking about toys everywhere and oodles of washing, I mean things like dusting and mud splashes all over etc. It really gets me down.

Not only that we have very very little money and due to circumstances out of my control our finances will not be improving for a while. As a result our house really needs decorating but we cannot afford it. Our front room window was replaced recently (we are private rented) and we cannot afford to buy new curtains or rail so we have a large throw nailed across the bay that I tie in the middle in the day. Its like a doss house!

Everything is so dated and depressing and I am sure it adds to my depression. I feel if I invite someone back they will look at my home and judge me (in a bad way)

What I am asking is AIBU to think this? I do struggle with depression and I do not know if I am too sensitive to this issue. Will anyone actually care what my home looks like (as long as its as tidy and clean as I can get it?)

I would love to be able to say to people "would you like to pop to mine for a cuppa?" but I cant.

Get creative and turn the throw into some drapes.

I too grew up in a dirty house and I sometimes in my darker moments I look around and think my house will be the same if I'm not careful. It never will be that bad though. I'm not a pisshead who expects the eldest child to do everything and I have a huge clean at least once a week with maintenence cleans in between. My house always looks untidy. I have shoes by the door, at least 20 coats in the hall, papers on the sideboard, toys everywhere, finger marks on my newly decorated walls :( mucky windows, the dishwasher is always ready to go...
Some great ideas from others. Have you tried Wilkinsons? They do Dulux paint for a tenner a tin. Could paint your main living space for £30. Ask any friends if they have any spare paint/materials left over. Most people usually have sheds full of stuff to get rid of. See if anyone you know has any curtains to spare. People can be very generous when asked to be. I have some dusky pink lined curtains that were over £100 new. I'm sure some creativeness with some dye would transform them. You are welcome to them OP. You can PM me if you like. :)

biryani I find ikea shopping bags great for that too.

cake - measure your window while this thread still has a lot of traffic. Someone will probably have some that will do x

hands off where are you based. I am just in mid of taking lots if curtains down in the house we have bought and i would happily send them to you

Check gumtree regularly for curtains and rails too.

I'll echo the freecycle option - and not just for the curtains. I recently refurbished my house and due to the builders misinforming me, I ended up with 3 almost full tins of paint. Got rid of them of freecycle in a jiffy as had nowhere safe to store them and I'm sure you could get painting equipment too.

I know were you are coming from OP. My house is in desperate need of redecoration but as you say, money for bills, DC's etc always get in the way.

As long as it is reasonably clean then take me as you find me. My friends are lovely but they are OCD with cleaning. i have even said in the past fgs you must have more to talk about than cleaning. They are a bit judgey and make comments about the cleanliness of other peoples houses therefore they most prob judge me when I have fingerprints from the kids on the windows.

It is swings and roundabouts though because tbh I judge them, there kids are in heaven when they come around mine and can pull all the toys out AND I actually play with them rather than cleaning my windows.

Haven't read the whole thread, but not just Freecycle - there's Freegle as well. I'm sure you'll get everything you need - and you can get rid of some of your own unwanted stuff as well when you declutter.

Good luck!

Op my house is chaos too and isn't terribly clean at times either. Sometimes it gets me down and sometimes I just think life is too short.

My sister used to have an immaculate house. I asked her how she managed it. She said she did 3 hours cleaning a day, not including the ironing
I tried it and yes it worked but I was miserable and felt I wasn't spending time with ds at all (I work).

People see what they want. I was always (still am often) reluctant to have people over. Until recently I've had grotty old 3rd hand sofa, falling apart house, not enough space and too much stuff.

My mum invited herself over with a friend to show her my hours about a year after I bought it. My mum appologised for the state of it (clutter/toys) and the friend simply said how homely it looked. My anal about cleaning mother looked suitably shocked.

About 2 years ago a mum from ds's school popped in to pick up stuff I was storing for the fete. Mountains of ironing piled up everywhere, wet washing hanging over every chair, usual clutter. First thing she said was 'doesn't it look festive' as I had xmas decs ds had made strung up and then she said 'it smells of lovely clean laundry'. To me it looked chaotic but she saw it differently.

Another time ds invited a school friend over to see his hamster. I cleaned for ages, piled the paperwork and other chaos on the table and applogised for the mess saying it was my to sort pile. The mum was stunned saying how beautiful my garden was and how did I keep the place so tidy and work. From that I took it that her house was more chaotic!

I have been to houses which are pristine with people appologising for the mess (what mess? oh i didn't get the floor swept today) I laugh and say I don't think i've done mine this week...

And I have been to houses (with sahm's) where they are worse on a par clutter and clean wise with mine.

I have got downstairs under control. Much more inclind to now I have a nice sofa but for 12 years I haven't. However upstairs is dire. I really must sweep up there sometimes this year...!

Try not to worry. Your house sounds fine to me.
Oh one trick I can offer. If the dirty finger prints etc get to much paint over them. I now use kitchen pain everywhere as it wipes clean much easier!

Lots of posters are suggesting things that cost money when the OP has said she doesn't have any. Even a few quid here and there will add up, and when you don't have any, you don't have any.

OP you can do this for nothing (De-clutter and clean one room at a time, in order of importance to you/use by you. A couple of cardboard boxes will do for the toys at the end of each day (don't bother trying to tidy in the middle of the day). After kids are in bed, spend 25 mins giving the main room(s) a once over with a broom and a cloth, throwing toys into the cardboard boxes.

Freecycle etc good for curtains/shelving/storage if you can - or take some of these very kind posters up on their offers to measure your new window.

Make a short list of To Dos for you and Dh to work through - like 'sort living room', 'ebay old clothes', 'pester landlord for a curtain pole', 'source curtains for new window', 'put curtain up' etc. Not many more than that or it will become unmanageable. Get DH to help!!

Good luck to you.

"or take some of these very kind posters up on their offers to and measure your new window."

Doh!

just to say I know how you feel. I grew up in a pretty shabby council house but went to a private school on a scholarship. My mum never let us have friends from school around as she thought they would judge us on the state of the house. She was very proud and very upset that circumstances had led us to where we were.

I think that has kind of affected me, as I too get worried that people will judge us on the state of the house. We are privately renting too, and went for the cheapest house we could find in the nicest area iyswim, as a result our house is very dated and knackered compared to the houses of a lot of people we know! I still invite people round though as I think it is nice for my DC to have friends over to play and I don't want them to feel like I did growing up.

I think the best you can do to make yourself feel better is keep it clean and tidy, check out freecycle for things like curtains etc (you can do wanted ads), even ask if anyone has any spare paint left over they want to get rid of? We gave our hallway a lick of paint recently and it made the world of difference.

I think the things that make a home look nice are when it looks like a happy family lives there - things like kids' paintings on the wall, family photos in frames, these things are more important than the place being spotless! Plus I often stick DD's pictures up to hide the bits of peeling wallpaper

I also think even if you are renting unfurnished it is still the landlord's responsibility to keep the place updated and replace things like curtain rails! Perhaps tell the landlord you want to paint and say you are happy to do it if they take the cost of paint out of next month's rent?

I'm sure a "wanted" post on Freecycle or Freegle will get you all the paint you want. It's nearly impossible to get rid of it any other way, especially gloss paint. We have gallons of the wretched stuff hanging around, and the local tip won't accept it. The nearest proper recycling facility is about 50 miles away.

For individual carpet stains this stuff is brillliant. I use it on an almost daily basis on our stupidly light sitting room carpet. DS1 once threw a can of Heinz Cream of tomato soup all over the carpet and it even got that out.

Freecycle is fab

We are the same really, just RL makes it hard to get all the things we need. Our sofa is knackered, we have managed to decorate 4 (smallest) of the 8 rooms in our house not including the hall and we've been here 5yrs. We had the bamboo blinds linked up there somewhere as well, really cheap and they do the job, we freecycled ours off a while back to a couple moving into their first rented house

I've noticed the whole landlord/fixtures and fittings thing - we live in a HA unfurnished house and nothing was included at all; i would have been baffled if there had been curtain poles up for us! It's not the norm here i suppose, we moved in when it was a new build (soooooo lucky) and we had to pay for our TV ariel to be installed!

Also, I have a (potential) friend whos house is in about the same condition mine is - toys strewn everywhere, needs updating, eclectic furniture etc - and i'm most confy at hers after mine so long as you've got milk for the cuppas and a pack of biscuits you'll be fine

EXCELLENT help offered here .

Embrace the shabby chic style ,so much cheaper and will look intentional if you buy second hand etc ... very easy to paint furniture to jazz it up !

Tidying is really not so important as keeping things clean ,just do it as you go so as not to overwhelm .

Good luck ,it will all come together ...

Am going to be of no practial help here, but I HATE going in to really clean tidy houses I never feel comfortable, I'm afraid I'll moult, or spill or sneeze. My sisters house is like that you're afraid to move, serious it's all lovely but I sit there like I'm in the headmaster office waiting to be told off. You'd never know she had 2 children.

My other sister and my best mates house, both clean, but full of children's toys and pics and stuff stuck to the fridge. There I can sit down and chill, and know that someone won't be over my shoulder if I dare put my cup down in the wrong place, and if we have a drink it's ok to kick my shoes off.

while yes I agree that if your house is depressing you doing something about it will help, but remember true friends don't care.

I have had more fun in a muddy field with no near by loo drinking cold tea than I have had in a 5* hotel with all expences paid, purely because I was in a muddy field with friends...

I wonder if you are using the house as an excuse to not get to know people????

I would not care two hoots about what a persons place looked like as long as it was clean. I grew up in a messy, poorly decorated house but it was clean. Nowhere near as lovely as some of my friends however, my friends and my siblings friends always wanted to be at my house and felt relaxed and comfortable there. Unlike in their own homes that they felt they couldn't play in for fear of messing it up or ruining something. My friends still speak fondly of my mums house and I am now 38!

I think as long as you keep the house clean it doesn't matter if there is a bit of mess and making people feel welcome goes a long way. Invite those people round and enjoy a cuppa and a natter.

sorry, not read the whole thread but where are you and what size curtains are you looking for?

I would never judge someone on their home (not unless it was some sort of vile health hazard...but messy and/or a bit grubby/worn/dusty? Wouldnt faze me at all. I don't know many people with young children who keep their homes immaculate. I know that e and DH (both working full time, with two little ones) only just manage to keep it decently clean and so that you can see the floor .

I agree with Happylander. Thinking of the homes I have felt most relaxed and most welcome, they have always been the shabbier ones.

I've read about half of this thread so far. I have a fairly nice house but it gets me down as there are so many things to do in it, lots of rooms unfinished, damp coming through on some of the walls, skirting boards not fitted back properly after dp wainscotted the bathroom, you name it and it needs doing! I spent ages this morning cleaning up after the Friday night couldn't be bothered mood I was in, but still don't feel that much better. It's probably because so much needs doing.

Anyway, waffling on a bit there, but if it's any use to you, I have some of those voile things - they are very pale pastel green with a sort of leaf/bamboo type motif on them, with tab tops. I think I have 3 of them and they have never been up, just sitting in the spare linen basket waiting for a good home. I am not sure how long they are but they would be long enough for a full length door if I remember correctly. Give me a shout if you want them.

Oh and another good place to get stuff is those 'shops' at the local recycling centre, ok it's rubbish to someone who has thrown it away, but I've had some really good stuff.

On the subject of housework Quentin Crisp's observation is particularly pertinent as I don't know of anyone whose dying words were 'I should have done more cleaning'.

Housework is way down on my to-do list and, when I have the time, I'm usually too knackered to hunt down the Dyson or the dusters.

I've got cobwebs that would be the envy of Miss Havisham, but the shower gets a regular workout, clothes are clean, the dishwasher's in constant use, and the bedlinen's changed regularly.

No visitor to my home has yet expired of dust inhalation, or broken their neck falling over assorted clutter, and if wearing judgey pants inhibits any guest from fully enjoying the warmth and wit and laughter that accompanies lively debates around my kitchen or dining room tables they're under no obligation to visit again.

You'll feel a lot better after you've acted on just a couple of the excellent suggestions you've received, but always remember that true friends are those that are there for you whatever your surroundings - and you can easily live without the rest.

With the dog moulting... when you've got a few spare pennies - get on Amazon and get a Furminator, take dog outside into the garden and Furminate him - you'll get a ridiculous amount of loose fur off that was about to head into your carpet. Doesn't stop the shedding, but cuts it down to less insanity inducing levels.

We've started to systematically attack one room in the house per weekend (and just tidy, hoover and wave a duster at the others) and rotate through the house - stops that sinking feeling of not being on top of everything.

With the bay windows - curtain poles are a pain in the arse. Can use a flexible curtain track - but we had one in our old house that would periodically ping out of its fixings across the room leaving a very pissed off and startled cat in its wake who was usually sunning herself on the windowsill when the pinging commenced. Might be easier going somewhere very cheap for some basic blinds - either Ikea, Argos (suggested before) or even Poundstretcher or B+M have them too.

I find (the house gets out of control when depression bites for me) that lists help a tonne. I've been known to write down in minute detail EVERYTHING housey I want to get done - and then tick them off, even if it's at the level of "clean the sink"... so things get crossed out really fast and you've got a visual record of just how far you've come on things.

Gosh millions of replies. Thankyou to all.

I have spent some of today on the front room and started to de-clutter. It was really getting me down and I think I was avoiding doing it really.

I am in Nottingham.

I have measured and would need a drop of 80" or 203cm
Width of each curtain would need to be about 55" or 140cm

Pretty big curtains. I dont care what they look like just need to be able to get them on one of those track things.

I hope this thread helps others like me. I certainly don't need any more reasons not to invite people in. I am quite lonely and would love some friends.

Sorry if reply is short and cannot thank everyone personally. DD is not a happy bunny today.

I grew up with parents that were very anal about housework and having everything perfect and it was horrible. I was constantly being told off for tiny marks on the wall or if I spilt a drink accidently I'd get smacked. I used to be terrified of making any mess or getting anything even remotely dirty.

We've lived in our house for about 4 years now and have decorated quite a lot throughout but it still looks "lived-in". We have 3 children, one of whom is a very demanding toddler, 4 pets, numerous friends of the older children in and out of the house. And it's fine. I do like things to be relatively clean but on days like today, which has been hectic, I'm happy to let things slide. I have a mountain of ironing piled up in one of the chairs in the living room, which I might iron tonight but if I can't be bothered then I'll leave it until tomorrow.

OP, don't feel ashamed of your house, it doesn't sound anything like how things were when you were a child. Like someone else has said on this thread; the people that matter really don't mind mess and clutter, they're visiting because they want to see you