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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ashamed - state of my house AIBU?

115 replies

handsoffmycake · 14/05/2011 07:28

Growing up our house was really filthy, so much so we had beetles in food cupboards, whole house smelt of wee and nothing ever really got cleaned. It was awful and I could never invite friends around as I was so ashamed.

Fast forward to my own home now as a grown up and I am still not able to invite anyone back as I am still ashamed of my own house. Though its no-where near as bad as what I grew up with.

Its a largish old victorian terrace, I have 2DC under 3s (nearly) and a dog who maults all the time. It doesn't seem to matter how much I clean, things get messy so fast. I am not just talking about toys everywhere and oodles of washing, I mean things like dusting and mud splashes all over etc. It really gets me down.

Not only that we have very very little money and due to circumstances out of my control our finances will not be improving for a while. As a result our house really needs decorating but we cannot afford it. Our front room window was replaced recently (we are private rented) and we cannot afford to buy new curtains or rail so we have a large throw nailed across the bay that I tie in the middle in the day. Its like a doss house!

Everything is so dated and depressing and I am sure it adds to my depression. I feel if I invite someone back they will look at my home and judge me (in a bad way)

What I am asking is AIBU to think this? I do struggle with depression and I do not know if I am too sensitive to this issue. Will anyone actually care what my home looks like (as long as its as tidy and clean as I can get it?)

I would love to be able to say to people "would you like to pop to mine for a cuppa?" but I cant. Sad

OP posts:
freeandhappy · 14/05/2011 08:52

i'm always tidying and hate when everything gets all messy, it definitely affects my mood. BUT i don't give two fucks about what state my friends houses are in and truth be told i prefer going to my ultra messy, doors falling off the cupboards, friend's house as she is so warm and nice and relaxed. also if the weather is ok, cleaning the windows always improves things as lets in lore light. good luck!

QuackQuackBoing · 14/05/2011 09:12

You need 5 minutes to zip round with a hoover to collect hair each day, and that will also reduce the dust lots

Wow, I have 2 cats and it takes 40 mins every day to get up it! How fast are you moving?!

SineadTemptation · 14/05/2011 09:21

I understand how you feel. My house was always a tip and it frustrated me because my then DH wouldn't let me decorate, apparantly it was a "waste of money". It was awful.

Then when he left I took a look around the house one day: the walls were covered in mucky hand prints and general grime from the kids, the stair banister and surrounding wood work was literally YELLOW rather than white, there was cobwebs all over, the net curtains in the living room and front bedroom were given to us when we first moved into the house by the old lady next door and they didn't fit the window properly, they basically stretched right across and were too long so flopped all over the window sill and DH had bodged together wall decorations with massive screws and ugly nails etc rather than proper wall hangings and was all such a big doss house.

I started a bit at a time. Repainted the stairs and hallway with tins of emulsion that I got from asda for £3 each and then repainted the paint work WHITE with a tin of gloss, also from asda for £3. Automatically the bright, clean and fresh paintwork completely lifted the whole atmosphere in the house.

So now basically I'm just doing a bit at a time. Like yesterday I spent £26 on new net curtains that FIT PROPERLY for the living room and front bedroom. I saved up for them (also short of money) and now I just keep looking at them and smiling. Small things like that transform a room.

Last week I went to The Range and bought 3 little pine picture frames for £3 each and put the kids school photos in them - another wall transformed Grin

But essentially don't give a shit what other people think, if they don't like your house they're not forced to visit! I only do up my house for me, nobody else.

dweezle · 14/05/2011 09:29

Haven't read whole thread so am sure following has been discussed already, but living in untidiness does affect mental health (have personal experience and know this to be true Grin.) charity shop for curtains/curtain pole, or Ikea for cheap roman blind. Huge tin of cream coloured paint from B&Q. Get kids to take shoes off when they come into house.

Do one room a day - will take 10 minutes and will mean you have cleaned whole house each week. Declutter so there is no stuff to make mess with - v. cathartic.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/05/2011 09:33

I second the freecycle idea....as for rails, buy some curtain wire it's literally a pound in hops like Wilkinsons or online....it comes with hooks...as you have a bay it may be necassary to buy a couple of extra loop type hooks.....run the wire along the inside of the bay...securing at strategic points with the loops....then use thin cotton fabric as a curtain .....you can always just flop thin fabric over the wire....or hem it along the top creating a channel....and thread the wire through the channel....it IS awkawrd if you're not a sewer....I have made all my curtains by trial and error through lack of funds...and I've learned as I go.

It will be better than nailed up fabric! 9been there done that)

Tims are really hard for people at the moment....sometimes I reckon our Grans had it easier as at least they were taught how to make clothes and curtains!

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2011 09:54

Have you got a 99p shop or poundland near? They sometimes sell tins of paint, rolls of wallpaper and bits and pieces. I bought floor tiles for my front room, did the whole room for £50 [that's a 20 foot room so quite a lot of tiles needed].
I agree about painting everything cream, it looks lovely and fresh and you can add your own pictures, cushions etc for a cosy look.

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2011 09:56

I also used to make curtains out of flat sheets [probably better for bedrooms though], would get a full length pair of curtains for less than £10.

aldiwhore · 14/05/2011 10:03

We rent too OP and although we've decorated we're not prepared to replace the carpets which were pretty grim and when moved here anyway(and can't afford too just yet) some of my friends have got beeeeeautiful homes, and I sometimes feel the same as you. I'm not a domestic goddess either and this house is small and very full! I absolutely detest anyone 'just dropping by' (and if honest I would hate it even if I lived in a mansion and had an army of cleaners at my disposal) and need at least an hour's notice so I can run around like a blue arsed fly trying to conceal things (hard to conceal a carpet).

I was very surprised when someone complimented me on my home, with my homemade, unlined curtains and Argos furniture... once clean, I have to admit this house isn't as bad as I think it is, and is actually rather sweet, and my taste isn't too shabby, but eclectic and it works! My childhood home was always pristine, I'm always comparing to that, yours was 'actually' a bit grim and you're scared of repetition?

Car boot sales, freecycle, a bit of plant life and zoflora will help you massively, but most importantly a friend should only ever visit YOU not your house, and a good friend (or even potential good one) would never judge you on not having Laura Ashley curtains.

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2011 10:42

I have a bag full of nets which are the wrong size for my windows OP, I am happy to send them to you.

Original poster
handsoffmycake · 14/05/2011 11:00

Back again briefly. Overwhelmed by generosity of you lot and good advice. I have started to clean and tidy my front room, have moved lots of things and tidied away some wires etc. Its making me feel better.

One big issue is the carpets here. Front room is quite new and dark colour so I can rub it with a teatowel and get any stains off but back room is light and pretty gross. I need to go to the housekeeping forum and ask for old fashioned cheap carpet cleaning solutions!

Thanks to all.

OP posts:
ComeWhineWithMe · 14/05/2011 11:06

Op, I had one curtain held up at the bedroom window for ages and a sheet covering the bathroom Blush.

Your walls sound similar to mine WRT to the poles falling down, dp bought some putty stuff from B&Q it hardens around the pole and holds it tighter, it's about 2.99 for 6 pieces of it.

MercurySoccer · 14/05/2011 11:16

I'm guessing a regular cleaner isn't an option, but could you call a cleaning agency and ask if they could do a one-off deep clean for you?

OrdinaryJo · 14/05/2011 11:17

Good luck OP, as others have said, those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Also, if you're having people round, you only need to tidy one room! Don't even think about a tour :0 and just tidy the sitting room.

aldiwhore · 14/05/2011 11:21

I'd also invest in some dimmer switches... and candles. Our house looks delightful in the half dark! Wink If you can't fix it, fake it.

MercurySoccer · 14/05/2011 11:22

OP have you seen the GP about your depression? Are you getting the right help?

FabbyChic · 14/05/2011 11:35

A throw at the window? A piece of voile would only cost you £6.00.

With regards the decorating thats easy you just strip everything back so it is ready to be painted, then when people come you say you are decorating, it's easy to wipe things over with a cloth, skirting and paintwork, doesn't take long at all if you do it regularly.

veronicadoll · 14/05/2011 11:36

it is expensive but guarantee worth it in TIME and money - the dyson animal hoover it is amazing! if you can save for it or ask relative to help you purchase it it really does save time and does the job

also tackle a small area daily say for 3xten minutes slots when kids are occupied this can be done

Longtalljosie · 14/05/2011 12:07

You could hire a Rug Doctor carpet cleaner? They're easy to work and impressive results. They have them at Sketchleys and many supermarkets.

Morloth · 14/05/2011 12:31

For the curtains. If you can rig up a pole or even a strong bit of wire with a bit of tension on it, a super cheap option is to buy a sheet (which size depends on your window obviously), you know those ones that have that sort of fold over seam at the top so you know which bit is the top? Well if you can get one that has a biggish one, you can cut the ends of the seam and run the pole/wire through that and hooray! a curtain. No need for sewing.

Mess is fine, really it is, people whose houses are perfect make me uncomfortable. I like to see toys chucked around the place, I like shoo-ing a dog or cat off a seat (or moving a pile of papers) to sit down.

RubyGrace17 · 14/05/2011 12:35

Haven't had time to read the whole thread but as long as a house is clean, the mess doesn't bother me :) Some of my friends have messy houses but I am 100% confident that they are clean so will happily sit in there and have a cuppa/lunch or whatever.

In my own house, I definitely have OCD tendancies and like everything just so- no easy feat with three children 5 and under. To be honest it stresses me out to no end and I wish I could just let things go, but I can't :( I'm up until all hours, making sure cushions are just right, hoovering- everything. It's exhausting and never ends. I wish I could be more relaxed.

In your case, do it bit by bit, one room at a time (perhaps one per week?) and you'll get to the point where all you need to do is 30 mins each day to keep on top. Then your emotional state will begin to feel happier and more confident in yourself, as you say it is getting you down.

Your house is NOTHING like the house you grew up in, so don't worry about that. Often my DDs like to "help" with the cleaning so maybe you could engage your DCs in helping you out whilst you do it, giving them a cloth and small bowl of water.

As for curtains- IKEA often have very cheap curtains which you will be guaranteed to get in the correct size, or you might be lucky in a charity shop or even freecycle.

Good luck, don't stress yourself out- you ARE doing the most important job of all, being a mummy so if the house is a mess for now, so be it :)

Ruby

RubyGrace17 · 14/05/2011 12:36

Also - decluttering greatly helps and you feel great afterwards as well as the fact there's less to clean! Be ruthless, get things on ebay and in the process make a bit of money towards getting a couple of nice things for the house :)

Ruby

elliephant · 14/05/2011 12:48

Living in chaos is depressing ( bitter voice of experience) so I'm going to recommend Flylady if someone already hasn't.

www.flylady.net/pages/TableOfContents.asp

Have a read through it, there's some good advice and inspiration there .

Good luck and take it one bit at a time

elliephant · 14/05/2011 12:51

Oh and bin bags are your new best friend. You can't clean clutter so if in doubt chuck it out Wink

biryani · 14/05/2011 12:56

This is clearly bothering you, so I would definitely do something about it.

I would:

get to a DIY place and buy some large garden rubbish bags.
decide upon a room, put all "clutter" into bag. Be disciplined. Include videos, DVDs, books etc.
once the room is clear apart from furniture, clean like mad.
stand back and admire - now you can REALLY look at your room! Get a friend to help if you can.
analyse the space and decide upon your priorities. Make life easy. If curtains are too much of a faff, use blinds, or experiment with spray-on frosted glass.
paint furniture to blend in, or buy junk items to update.
add cushions, lamps and plants.
slowly add back items of "clutter" that you REALLY need on an everyday basis.
carry on using large bags for toys that can be used and then put away.

Et Voila!!

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