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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for 'HELP' after I've admitted I'm struggling with being pregnant.

113 replies

Peanut143 · 13/05/2011 15:34

Okay, my husband and I both work in the city and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. After work I get home (after a 3 hour commute each day) and start work as the 'wife'. I cook, clean, tidy and wash. You name it, I do it (oh and that even includes the paperwork!). Recently I've been speaking to my husband saying that I'm physically struggling and need help around the house and he agreed to help out by perhaps hoovering or cooking dinner once a week just to give me a break. Don't get me wrong, he could do more but I thought with him doing anything would be something. Well, you guessed it, nothing happened. I asked again and again and nothing. He doesn't refuse to do it, he even apologises for not doing it (probably just to shut me up) but it just doesn't happen. He's lovely and wonderful in so many ways but I broke down last week and sobbed to him that I NEED HELP! This is really hard for me to admit as I'm quite an independant and proud person and we don't even have any friends or family near us to step in. I spoke to his Mum this week and we had a lovely conversation where I opened up etc only to find out that she called him at work the next day to say that 'she's worried' about me and that 'you both need counselling'. WTF!? I just feel like I constantly have to remind him (and sometimes everyone it feels) that I'm pregnant but I've just given up now (to stop sounding like being pregnant means I can excuse myself from doing anything) and I've stopped cleaning (it's been a week now) but again, nothing has happened. I just have to put up with his mood swings when he's finished being 'Mr Corporate' for the day.

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I just feel so on my own. I know hormones have a pivotal part to play in all of this but I just can't go on like this anymore. What's it going to be like when the baby arrives!?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/05/2011 15:38

I felt like death warmed up at 15 weeks pregnant you have my sympathy!

I don't think you need counselling, I think you need to employ a cleaner and tell your dh to do his own paperwork!

With regards to cooking - plan easy meals and have a takeaway one night.

cestlavielife · 13/05/2011 15:40

get a cleaner you both work full time

Supermoo · 13/05/2011 15:40

I can really empathise. We drew up a rota in the end, it turned out DH lacked the initiative understanding of the running of the house ( as I'd done everything for so long) to really know how to do his bit.

You don't need help, as such - running the household really isn't just your job! A more formal division of labour might help you and DH to be a bit clearer on who is doing what.

nijinsky · 13/05/2011 15:40

I was going to write a big long answer. But this will do - I think you need to be more assertive

earthpixie · 13/05/2011 15:41

Seriously, get a cleaner and send your ironing out if you can afford it.
Pregnancy isn't an illness but it is a strain on your body.
I don't know what to say about your DH - he needs to step up big time.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 13/05/2011 15:42

You need to have serious words, he's nit exactly filling you with confidence for how good he's going to be when the baby arrives!

BelovedCunt · 13/05/2011 15:43

being pregnant is neither here nor there why the hell are you doing it all anyway. tell him he is a selfish cunt

moomaa · 13/05/2011 15:46

yes, if you are both working fulltime in the city throw money at the problem and get as much paid help as possible, cleaner, ironing out, gardener to mow and tidy once every couple of weeks, window cleaner once a month, oven cleaning person once a quarter, car wash/valet people at supermarket, then one person do washing and one person do paperwork there won't be much left to do and it won't be expensive.

Must be really hard to do that long commute when pregnant.

Original poster
Peanut143 · 13/05/2011 15:47

Thanks so much for the support! :)

I'm actually a very assertive person and when I said 'broke down' that was a fluffy way of me saying to him 'sort yourself out otherwise GET OUT!'. And guess what....still nothing happened.

I personally have a problem with having a cleaner (i know, it's therefore my own fault to a certain extent for having a whinge) as two of my friends have been robbed of their passports and jewellery by their cleaners so I'm very sceptical (although I appreciate that not all cleaners are like this).

My husband suggested I write him a list of things that need to be done and put it on the fridge. He tore it down within a month and said 'I don't need to be reminded of things I haven't done everytime I go to the fridge'.

I'm completely lost on all of this.

Also, he's so LOVELY and WONDERFUL to the outside world and when he comes home and shuts the front door after coming home from work, he shuts down too.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 15:47

he's a dick.

ffs... you do ALL the washing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paperwork... wtf does HE do? sit around watching tv and reading the newspaper?

seriously, what is this 1950?

i would be having a good long talk with him about how you BOTH work, you BOTH own the house and as such you BOTH take care of the housework
I couldn't live with someone who was that utterly, utterly selfish

oh and when the baby arrives? i can almost guarantee that it'll be even worse. because you'll be at home all day so he will expect everything done for him while you care for the baby too.

he needs a mother, not a wife

Flippingebay · 13/05/2011 15:47

I've just posted something similar on a different thread but I reckon employing a cleaner saved my marrige :o seriously, sometimes we have to admit defeat about our DH's being perfect and seek a different solution.

At least this way, you'll have a lovely clean house and you'll not get stressed etc about it. Also divvy up other jobs, cooking , ironing etc etc and if he still doesn't do his fair share then you could always just iron your stuff, cook your meals etc.

I was knackered at 15 weeks so good luck and remember you will get more energy but maybe take this opportunity to give him a kick up the arse, when the baby arrives he'll need to pull his weight then too.

hairylights · 13/05/2011 15:47

Your husband is a lazy bastard, who is quite happy to watch you do more than your share of things.

Your post actually sounds like you're lliving in the 1950s or something.

"help out by perhaps hoovering or cooking dinner once a week just to give me a break."

That's not 'helping out'. It's doing about 1% of his fair share.

bittersweetvictory · 13/05/2011 15:47

You both work full time so the housework should be split 50/50 anyway, did his mother do everything for him, it sounds like you are going to have 2 babies to look after soon, get him told, he needs a swift boot up the arse and a reality check.

TimeWasting · 13/05/2011 15:47

Do you work full time?

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 15:48

it's all very well saying "get a cleaner" and i'm not saying the OP shouldnt (i got one last year and she is the best thing ever!)... but that doesn't solve the issue of her husband being a lazy, selfish ass does it?

hairylights · 13/05/2011 15:48

cross posts with thisisyesterday

tiredfeet · 13/05/2011 15:48

Stop doing it all then he will have to help.

And yes, if you can afford it, pay a cleaner

OhHelpOhNo · 13/05/2011 15:49

Am not sure I'll be much help but....

Why do you do all the wife things.... You both work so domestic stuff needs to be divided 50:50.... You really need to get this sorted now before baby arrives or agree to "outsource" cleaning, etc.

A wise mumsnetter puts it this way.... You should both get the same amount of spare time after work/chores are done- is that the case now?

I really sympathise, I'd expect you to be knackered doing that normally let alone when pg!

Oh and more paragraphs please, makes reading sooo much easier Grin

wolfhound · 13/05/2011 15:49

It's going to be so so so much much much worse when the baby comes. Definitely needs to be faced head-on now, so you're doing the right thing by bringing it up. Why on earth do you have 'work as a wife' after your f-t job, while he does nothing? He needs a short sharp shock of some sort. Though I hesitate to suggest the ones that come to mind.

shinydiscoball · 13/05/2011 15:50

he should be doing more anyway, pregnant or not, why is it your responsibility as "the wife" Shock

I feel for you though as my DP can be a lazy fucker a tad unhelpful at times around the house, but I find the more I nag the less he does.... so now I leave him to his own devices and he just gets on with doing his fair share! He regularly cooks (but hardly washes up :o) vacuums almost daily since we bought a Dyson (he truly loves it) washes and dries clothes and does lots of DIY and little jobs around the house, I honestly can't remember the last time he had a lazy weekend or evening. I'm 36 wks pregnant atm.

If you can afford it, hire help, it will save a lot of heartache.

TimeWasting · 13/05/2011 15:51

Well, he doesn't respect you, at all. He doesn't seem to care how you're feeling and if he's agreed to do something it's just to shut you up.

You're going to have a big old show down to sort this out I'm afraid.

bluepaws · 13/05/2011 15:52

id pack in work

tell him you cant do two jobs so one has to go

oldenoughtowearpurple · 13/05/2011 15:54

What they all said. This relationship has got disaster written all over it.

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 15:55

Get a cleaner, and get a safe to put your valuables in for peace of mind. (It would be just as easy for a burglar to take them if they are not in a safe place, and a burglar wouldnt do the hoovering at the same time Wink.

If you are both working equal hours, then the household jobs need to be shared equally too, even if his idea of cooking dinner is to take you out to dinner (and pay!).

Original poster
Peanut143 · 13/05/2011 15:56

I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear all of this and it's proof that I'm not a hormonal cow who's going off the rails!

We both work full time and I've now cut my hours to 9am-5pm. My boss is just FANTASTIC and as I was having a 'wobbly' moment yesterday (which I didn't tell the husband about because he was in a mood) he text me last night to say 'take a break tomorrow and don't come in. Just rest. See you on Monday.' How nice is that!?

OP posts:
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