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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for 'HELP' after I've admitted I'm struggling with being pregnant.

113 replies

Peanut143 · 13/05/2011 15:34

Okay, my husband and I both work in the city and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. After work I get home (after a 3 hour commute each day) and start work as the 'wife'. I cook, clean, tidy and wash. You name it, I do it (oh and that even includes the paperwork!). Recently I've been speaking to my husband saying that I'm physically struggling and need help around the house and he agreed to help out by perhaps hoovering or cooking dinner once a week just to give me a break. Don't get me wrong, he could do more but I thought with him doing anything would be something. Well, you guessed it, nothing happened. I asked again and again and nothing. He doesn't refuse to do it, he even apologises for not doing it (probably just to shut me up) but it just doesn't happen. He's lovely and wonderful in so many ways but I broke down last week and sobbed to him that I NEED HELP! This is really hard for me to admit as I'm quite an independant and proud person and we don't even have any friends or family near us to step in. I spoke to his Mum this week and we had a lovely conversation where I opened up etc only to find out that she called him at work the next day to say that 'she's worried' about me and that 'you both need counselling'. WTF!? I just feel like I constantly have to remind him (and sometimes everyone it feels) that I'm pregnant but I've just given up now (to stop sounding like being pregnant means I can excuse myself from doing anything) and I've stopped cleaning (it's been a week now) but again, nothing has happened. I just have to put up with his mood swings when he's finished being 'Mr Corporate' for the day.

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I just feel so on my own. I know hormones have a pivotal part to play in all of this but I just can't go on like this anymore. What's it going to be like when the baby arrives!?

OP posts:
TimeWasting · 13/05/2011 18:54

Gentleness, he's not thick, he just doesn't give a shit.

TadlowDogIncident · 13/05/2011 19:11

OP, genuine question - what are you getting out of this relationship? You do all the domestic work, which is more than it would be if you were on your own because your H is generating work for you, you're presumably earning a fair whack of the money that's coming in if you both work in the City, and you say you "have to put up with his mood swings". Really, what's the point in this relationship from your perspective? And why in God's name are you having a baby with someone who treats you like this?

Journey · 13/05/2011 19:14

A cleaner wouldn't help because although the cleaning would get done your dh wouldn't have changed his attitude and taken any responsibilities for the household chores.

He sounds very selfish to me. His attitude needs to change because if you're struggling now it will get much worse when the baby arrives.

schmee · 13/05/2011 19:16

I think you need to focus on how you want household and baby stuff to be allocated now and in the first few months of your baby's life. Getting things sorted now is one thing, but when you are at home on maternity leave things may get a lot worse (speaks from bitter experience).

I think the person who said that you should both have the same amount of leisure time is brilliant. Having a baby can be a 24/7 job, especially in the beginning, and you need to get him out of the mindset that he is "helping you" if he does anything household or baby related.

What sort of person is he? Would he respond to counselling? Would he respond to you doing timesheets of how much time you've spent doing things round the house?

TadlowDogIncident · 13/05/2011 19:29

I also agree that what you should be aiming for is to have the same amount of leisure time. With a new baby, that may mean none at all - if you breastfeed you'll be chained to the sofa with the baby for very long stretches, which ought to mean your H picks up all the household stuff.

What I don't see is how you can achieve that with a husband who doesn't think the domestic work is his job and throws a strop when he sees the rota of domestic chores that he hasn't done! If you're prepared to say "Shape up or get out" and mean it, or if you can get him to go to counselling at Relate or similar with him, that may kick him into changing his ways, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that it won't. Unfortunately in a City job he's unlikely to be getting any peer pressure to be a good husband and father - probably rather the reverse.

Sqee · 13/05/2011 19:33

Let the house get abit untidy then pretend to trip over some he has left laying around! Seriously take a few acting classes if you must. He needs a reality check! As for the MiL! I had to laugh at that sounds like mine. She would love nothing better than you guys to go to counselling that means she theres still a chance her pampered prince will come home to mummy so she can wipe his arse for him again!

On a better note, I had the same problems but it did work out and I couldn't be happier! It just took time (and acting classes Wink lol just kidding) Chin up!

HRHPrincessZombiePlan · 13/05/2011 19:36

Beg to differ - DON'T get a cleaner.

You have made it quite clear that you don't want one and you shouldn't have to have one if you think it might stress you out (especially right now, while you are pregnant - you need to minimise stress, esp as you probably get more than enough during the day if you work in the City). If you are not comfortable with the idea, you don't have to do it. End of.

In any event, as others have pointed out, it will only mask the issue. Sure, the house will be cleaner, but your "D"H still wouldn't be contributing to the running of the house. Once the baby gets here, you will find there are a lot of chores that won't magically vanish with the application of cash (unless you are planning on having both a day nanny and a night nanny for a couple of years, that is...).

You need to give him a real kick up the arse (by which I mean you need to do something that he considers to be a kick up the arse - as history shows that your idea of an arse-kicking doesn't touch the sides). So get tough with him (if he works in the City, believe me, he can take it). In your shoes, I actually would go so far as make him move out if need be. It will show him you're serious and it will cut down on the housework if he isn't around generating laundry and other mess...

Don't let him piss you around, though, because experience shows that he'll do exactly that if you let him get away with it. And believe me, having a baby is simply wonderful but there's no getting away from the fact that it's SUCH a lifeshock, you really don't need an unsupportive husband in the mix.

Gentleness · 13/05/2011 19:42

Stillfrazzled - I should have made it more clear that I was talking specifically about how men have a different perception about housework. Of all my make acquaintances there is only one who I would have said was a noticer and a doer when it comes to housework - the rest don't think about what needs to be done without input from others, be it nagging, rotas, lists or threatening landlords.

My experience of women (even lazy, selfish ones like me) is that at least we are more likely to notice the dust bunnies, pile of washing-up, lack of clean clothes, even if we then decide to procrastinate. And they get the guilt-trip self-inflicted too!

May not be great science, but it convinces me that there are differences! My dh is pretty clever in many areas but has some kind of mental block about others. So I don't mind calling him thick when they come up.

QuackQuackBoing · 13/05/2011 19:53

So if you don't feel well enough (or fancy a break) what happens about dinner? Does it just not get made or do you make it?

You need to get really tough. In that situation make only enough food for yourself or order yourself a take a way. You can't go on like this. He needs to really recognise the error of his ways before the baby is born!

How did things get like this in the first place?!

TimeWasting · 13/05/2011 19:55

Any differences are conditioned, men are as capable of women when they need to be.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/05/2011 19:57

Neither DH nor I would dream of sitting on our arses while the other was doing housework. We do it all together until it's done, then we sit down together. When I was at that narcoleptic stage of pregnancy he did everything, because he could see I was struggling and, as he loves me, he wanted to look after me.

I don't consider myself lucky. This is how a normal healthy relationship should be and I'd never put up with anything less.

I don't know how you can change this, OP, but you need to get your DH to smell the coffee and step up like a real man.

I would say though, that if he wants to get a cleaner in to do his share, that's his right - so long as the work gets done.

StayFr0sty · 13/05/2011 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schmee · 14/05/2011 06:53

StayFr0sty - love it. 42 years on...

ilovedora27 · 14/05/2011 07:49

When I was pregnant I didnt do anything in the home my husband did all of it. Your carrying the baby its his job to spoil you imo. Thats one of the best bits of pregnancy!

cookie9 · 14/05/2011 08:12

I am 14 weeks and so tired. Dh is good as will wash up if I cook and vice versa. If your dh isn't helping now then what is he doing to do once the baby arrives? Mine knows already that I will do nothing apart from care and feed for first few weeks. Seriously leave the cleaning and order takeaways for a few days and hopefully he will start to get the message. You are in partnership and he needs to help you out as you will tire yourself out completely if you try to do everyone on your own. Slow cookers are great as you can just threw everything in then freeze into batches. Does your dh have a special meal he can cook ? Mine does bolognese which freezes well and lasts for a few meals. Good luck

QuackQuackBoing · 14/05/2011 09:02

I would say though, that if he wants to get a cleaner in to do his share, that's his right - so long as the work gets done

In that case he should get a cleaner to do her share as well!

TimeWasting · 14/05/2011 09:08

The actual cleaning is only a small part of the housewife role.

Tidying, shopping, cooking, paperwork, planning for purchases, celebrations, remembering to pay window cleaner, How much toilet roll is left? When does that chicken go out of date? etc. Dusting and hoovering is just one minor aspect.

AnnieLobeseder · 14/05/2011 09:14

Quack - at the moment, yes, they should get a cleaner to do both parts as OP's DH should be doing the lion's share of the work.

My point was though, that the OP can't just veto a cleaner and expect her DH to clean if he does't want to. Similarly, he can't not do his share and object to her getting a cleaner. A compromise needs to be reached that suits everyone and gets the cleaning done, without either party dictating to the other how it will happen or either party taking on the whole burden. It's a bit martyrish to refuse to get a cleaner and then complain that the cleaning needs doing!

As others have said though, OP's DH is showing very little respect for the mother of his child and this needs to change.

redexpat · 14/05/2011 11:14

YANBU.
Relationship answer: If he won't change his behaviour now, what is going to happen when the baby arrives? He sounds like he is under a lot of pressure at work, hence the feeling of not wanting to be reminded of what he hasn't done. You definitely need to discuss it with him in a calm manner, write down what you agree on, and be a bit Supernanny and display it somewhere. If it's his turn to cook and he doesn't, order a takeaway for you and not him. He HAS to see that if he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain then it has an effect. Something has to change - would/could he change his job?

Practical answers:
Get a cleaner (my mum's cleaner's role was then extended to childcare for me. I knew her, she knew me and could give up her other job).

Get a slow cooker, Ainsley Harriets meals in minutes, jamies 30 minute dinners. We write a menu plan every week and then shop for only the ingredients that we need. You could order the groceries online.

Fill the freezer with homemade ready meals, but make him help you make them at the weekend. www.bbcgoodfood.com/content/recipes/favourites/batch-cooking/

Are you going to continue with your job after maternity leave? I know it's a bit late to get a job somewhere more local because you wont qualify for maternity leave, but it might be worth doing some research. Good luck.

cory · 14/05/2011 11:27

A cleaner may help. but it's not going to make the problem go away- no cleaner is going to do his job as a dad.

strandedbear · 14/05/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmethwickBelle · 14/05/2011 12:02

I'd get a cleaner once a week for the big clean and ironing, to take the burden off in the short term and restrict what YOU do to a joint tidy up - WITH your husband - before bed where you both pick up dishes and cups round the house, load dishwasher, stick a load in, take a load out, hang it up. It would only take half an hour if you both pitch in and if you get in that routine there aren't any lists of jobs looming and things keep ticking over. 15 weeks pregnant is knackering and as the bump gets bigger its not like you're magically going to get energy, hope you can thrash it out with him.

jumpyjack · 14/05/2011 12:10

I've been married to this man. Well, possibly not the same man, but his identical twin brother. It's shit. A cleaner is irrelevant here. He feels entitled to the level of service you're providing and if the house was clean, it would turn to another area of your life.
Nothing will change unless he wants to change it. My didn't. Unfortunately I had two children and a decade worth of resentment before I got him to admit he was not going to change in any way and he couldn't care less how it made me feel. It's a massive lack of respect. And it's coming from the one person who's supposed to love you and care for you.
Get a clear response from him now about what's going on. I hope you get a more positive outcome than I did.

TadlowDogIncident · 14/05/2011 12:54

I agree with TimeWasting that a cleaner's only a small part of the answer - we have a cleaner, and since having DS DH and I still easily spend an hour every day cleaning and tidying, before we even get to the cooking and laundry. A cleaner is not the answer to a husband who thinks his wife is there to do all the drudgery.

It's a real mistake to think who does the housework is a trivial issue. It's not. You'll be eaten up with fury and resentment if you carry on doing it all. I wouldn't stay with a man who thought I was there to skivvy for him: it's such a fundamental lack of respect it makes it clear that he doesn't see you as his equal.

mossi · 14/05/2011 13:05

Could you just pick a time, say Saturday morning, and tell him, right we're going to clean the house now. You tidy up the living room whilst I do the dining room. When it's all tidy, tell him - you hoover now. That's what I do. My DH is often willing to help but needs clear instructions. After a meal say - could you wash up now please. If he says no, you have a problem. It's only going to get worse once you have a baby. He needs to get into the swing now. Also, could you lower your standards a bit? Or as others have said - send out your ironing and get a cleaner in.