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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to ask for 'HELP' after I've admitted I'm struggling with being pregnant.

113 replies

Peanut143 · 13/05/2011 15:34

Okay, my husband and I both work in the city and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. After work I get home (after a 3 hour commute each day) and start work as the 'wife'. I cook, clean, tidy and wash. You name it, I do it (oh and that even includes the paperwork!). Recently I've been speaking to my husband saying that I'm physically struggling and need help around the house and he agreed to help out by perhaps hoovering or cooking dinner once a week just to give me a break. Don't get me wrong, he could do more but I thought with him doing anything would be something. Well, you guessed it, nothing happened. I asked again and again and nothing. He doesn't refuse to do it, he even apologises for not doing it (probably just to shut me up) but it just doesn't happen. He's lovely and wonderful in so many ways but I broke down last week and sobbed to him that I NEED HELP! This is really hard for me to admit as I'm quite an independant and proud person and we don't even have any friends or family near us to step in. I spoke to his Mum this week and we had a lovely conversation where I opened up etc only to find out that she called him at work the next day to say that 'she's worried' about me and that 'you both need counselling'. WTF!? I just feel like I constantly have to remind him (and sometimes everyone it feels) that I'm pregnant but I've just given up now (to stop sounding like being pregnant means I can excuse myself from doing anything) and I've stopped cleaning (it's been a week now) but again, nothing has happened. I just have to put up with his mood swings when he's finished being 'Mr Corporate' for the day.

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I just feel so on my own. I know hormones have a pivotal part to play in all of this but I just can't go on like this anymore. What's it going to be like when the baby arrives!?

OP posts:
Iggly · 14/05/2011 13:14

Having a vagina doesn't make you more qualified to do all the housework etc.

Stop doing as much. Spell out to him that, regardless of being pregnant, you want him to contribute to the home beyond providing a salary.

GruffalosGirl · 14/05/2011 13:53

It sounds as if his mum is right and you could benefit from counselling. It is as everyone has said, both you and he can tell yourselves all the excuses as to how he is nice in other ways or he doesn't notice mess or he doesn't know what to do but he just fundamentally doesn't care enough about you to change his behaviour and he knows he doesn't need to really as you won't do anything about it and he can continue to behave this way.

My DH was like this for ten years and the only thing that made him change was us nearly splitting up over something else. When he realised he nearly lost his family he had to address his selfishness which meant he addressed this type of behaviour as well. Having a baby nearly broke us as it highlights behaviour like this that it is easier to ignore when you are both independant and working and have no responsibilities and I bet your DH will behave badly when the baby comes unless you fix this now.

He is probably minimising the problem as he doesn't want to address it as he won't want to change so a counsellor could help to make him look at his behaviour objectively.

Good luck and make sure you show him how serious you are, don't just make empty threats which is what I used to do, they never work

lettinggo · 14/05/2011 14:13

If housework is the only problem, then your problem is very easily sorted. My DH was very like this at the start of our marriage, and my mistake then was to expect him to see that he was being unfair.

I accepted that he was not going to do it, for whatever reason, and did the cleaning myself. But I stopped doing his laundry, I just did my own and the household stuff. I also stopped cooking, I'd either go to my mother for dinner on the way home from work or got something for myself (I'm veggie, he's not so it wasn't an openly hostile gesture as a dinner without meat for him is unthinkable). It took a long time but eventually he started doing stuff without me asking and we worked more as a team.

You need to get this sorted quickly though because you have a baby on the way. A very wise friend of mine, who knew what a lazy bastard my DH was, gave me great advice when I was pregnant with DS. She said when the baby came that I should be a bit helpless. It's my nature to be the one in control charge and I generally am very competent. But when DS was born and DH was home for the first couple of weeks, when he'd turn to me when he didn't know if he was doing something right, eg burping the baby, instead of showing him what to do, I'd say "god I don't know, what do you think?". This was the best advice ever because he didn't ever look to me as the number one carer. If both parents were present, there was no number one carer.

Also when DS was a baby, I thought clearly about what daily help I wanted from DH. I really needed head space each day so when he came home from work each evening, I handed the baby over and went for a walk with the dog. A small thing, I know, but it kept me sane. Also, his job every day was to make up the bottles at night and empty the dishwasher. That small contribution of time from him meant I didn't resent him. Another change brought in at that time was whoever cooked, the other person cleaned up after dinner.

FWIW, he's still a lazy bastard but a brilliant dad and a relatively good DH.

lettinggo · 14/05/2011 14:15

I meant to say, the housework problem is easily sorted by having a cleaner. I got a cleaner after I went back to work. She also does the ironing. Best investment ever ever ever.

HorseyGirl1 · 14/05/2011 15:24

So sorry you are in this situation. What I would say is - yes it will be hard to have that conversation as in 'you don't want to care for me you only want to enjoy the being the proud expectant dad' but you know what? It would be a damn sight easier than having to cope with the agony if something went wrong. PLEASE, please look after yourself and your bump. You need to look after yourself. Maybe just in passing don't tidy up if your Mum in Law in visiting. If she sees the place is a tip, you might just get it through to her that her son isn't helping you. xx

missmyoldname · 14/05/2011 18:42

OP yanbu.
You need to get this sorted NOW, as it will be 100 times harder when you are 40w pg, not to mention when baby arrives.

You need to set some ground rules, and divide jobs. If he is anything like my DH, you won't get anywhere expecting him to notice mess and do something about it. You have to allocate/agree roles and don't give in.

I do most of the housework ( I work pt so I'm happy with that, plus I'm a control freak!) but my DH empties bins, does the ironing, baths the DC, and does all DIY (a lot) and car maintenance, plus the garden. If he doesn't do these things then they don't get done!

fizzwhirl · 14/05/2011 21:10

Agreed, definitely get a cleaner, and lock up valuables if you're worried.

And I totally agree that he needs to step up to the mark, and he's being useless. But some people struggle with these things (including me Blush ). I can tell you some strategies DH uses successfully on me (in my defence, I do a lot of the cooking - but I do need a bit more bullying concrete guidance with other housework).

Ask him to do one thing, at the time that you want it done. (a list of loads of tasks can be overwhelming - and it feels like if you can't do all of it, there's no point in starting). You need to be careful with the wording so that he doesn't feel that you're asking him drop everything, but it's clear that you're not expecting this to be some time in the next few days - but this evening, some time in the next hour.

An easy one would be 'could you please cook dinner tonight? I'm really tired.' Non-judgemental, asking for a single, concrete action.

Making a deal is a good way to get a contribution without getting his back up. Something like 'things have got untidy - we really need to tidy tonight. If I clear up after dinner, could you do the hoovering?' If he doesn't like one job, offer to swap. He'd have to be pretty mean to reject both sides.

You were totally right to have a rant at him, btw. If he's anything like me you may need to repeat that every year or so. But after that, asking for achievable concrete actions is probably more effective than general complaints which can be put off with an apology and a promise of better behaviour.

I really hope you manage to get a balance that works for you.

gallicgirl · 14/05/2011 21:28

Why does he have such a lack of concern for you?

When I was pregnant my DP could see how tired I was and made me go lie down and stopped me from doing housework because he wanted to look after me.

Yes, a cleaner would be a huge help but I would worry about how he thinks tasks are going to be split once the baby arrives. You are going to be feeding the baby at least every 3 hours and it could take an hour each time. if you don't split tasks, you'll never get fed or clothes washed or even showered.

EmmaBemma · 14/05/2011 21:46

I agree with people who say this isn't just about the housework - getting a cleaner might solve your immediate housework problem, but it won't address the underlying problem of your partner blithely ignoring your obvious tiredness and frustration. He knows what he needs to do but he's not bothered enough to do it, because he's assuming you'll put up with his laziness even though you hate it and its exhausting you.

If he persists, when the baby comes DO NOTHING except eat cake and feed the baby. Don't move from the sofa. He'll have to start doing stuff around the house if he wants to survive.

MercurySoccer · 14/05/2011 23:57

Definitely get a cleaner!

If you're concerned about your valuables get a personal recommendation from someone you know, or take things to the bank and get them put in the safe, or hire the cleaner to work while you'll be in, say on Saturday mornings.

fizzwhirl · 15/05/2011 07:24

Although I think your MIL broached it badly, you might well benefit from getting some couple counselling (and it might be easier to persuade your husband to do it since your MIL suggested it). I know some people find the idea of going to counselling - and admitting there is a problem - difficult. But it can be really helpful.

They give you strategies to discuss and address the things which are a problem in your relationship - which this clearly is. They help you to talk about issues, and stop you when either of you starts being non-constructive, and help you to try to find solutions.

It would also give you a space to start discussing what you both expect to happen when the baby arrives - which it sounds like you really, really need to do.

It's going to get much more difficult and stressful when the baby arrives - I really think you need to address this now.

Coralanne · 15/05/2011 08:53

Has your DH always been like this or is it just since you became pregnant?

Maybe he is also feeling ovewhelmed at the thought of becoming a dad. It is a big responsibility for someone to be entirely responsible for the financial and emotional welfare of a tiny baby.

I know you will probably take Mat leave but there will be a time when your DH will be the sole financial provider and maybe that is worrying him.

We all know that it's a huge change for a woman when she becomes a mother. (Nine months of pregnancy plus all the things that go with it) but I think it messes up the heads of DH's more than we realise.

QuackQuackBoing · 15/05/2011 11:02

Have posted already saying that your DH is out of order but wanted to add that when I was pregnant the first time it took my DP ages to realise how different I felt. I was tired and uncomfortable (from very early) and in pain with SPD and would get this really sudden tiredness where I would suddenly have to lie down. It annoyed me that he didn't seem to get it. I think I might have even got the "just pregnant not ill" comment although not sure if he was joking!

Saying that though he did look after me.

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