...to ask for 'HELP' after I've admitted I'm struggling with being pregnant.

[Peanut143]

Okay, my husband and I both work in the city and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. After work I get home (after a 3 hour commute each day) and start work as the 'wife'. I cook, clean, tidy and wash. You name it, I do it (oh and that even includes the paperwork!). Recently I've been speaking to my husband saying that I'm physically struggling and need help around the house and he agreed to help out by perhaps hoovering or cooking dinner once a week just to give me a break. Don't get me wrong, he could do more but I thought with him doing anything would be something. Well, you guessed it, nothing happened. I asked again and again and nothing. He doesn't refuse to do it, he even apologises for not doing it (probably just to shut me up) but it just doesn't happen. He's lovely and wonderful in so many ways but I broke down last week and sobbed to him that I NEED HELP! This is really hard for me to admit as I'm quite an independant and proud person and we don't even have any friends or family near us to step in. I spoke to his Mum this week and we had a lovely conversation where I opened up etc only to find out that she called him at work the next day to say that 'she's worried' about me and that 'you both need counselling'. WTF!? I just feel like I constantly have to remind him (and sometimes everyone it feels) that I'm pregnant but I've just given up now (to stop sounding like being pregnant means I can excuse myself from doing anything) and I've stopped cleaning (it's been a week now) but again, nothing has happened. I just have to put up with his mood swings when he's finished being 'Mr Corporate' for the day.

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I just feel so on my own. I know hormones have a pivotal part to play in all of this but I just can't go on like this anymore. What's it going to be like when the baby arrives!?

Im going against the majority here, and do not think you need a cleaner, a cleaner is only going to mask over the issues, until the baby is born.

If you do not get your DH to step up now, I worry he is going to behave the same with the baby chores

He is being a selfish twat, the way you have described his mother [so quick to assume you need counselling, rather than giving her son a good kick up the ass]
seems she is just as useless as him

I really feel for you, from your post, I can tell your at the end of your tether

I really hope you can work it out with DH

And congrats on baby

Totally agree with BC. You both work FT and therefore running the home should be no more "your" job as well than it should be his. If you can afford it, and feel comfortable doing so, get a cleaner. What's left should be shared.

The fact you currently have a physical condition which makes doing all this stuff even more tiring and he still doesn't pull his weight means he's really taking the piss. Am guessing that his mother probably ran the house and he therefore imagines it's a woman's job and/or he believes his job is "more important" than yours, thus somehow excusing him from getting his hands dirty.

So far all he's doing is giving you lip service .... saying what you want to hear when you bring the topic up but without any intention of actually seeing it through. He's effectively laughing at you - despite his so called "apologies" (which mean nothing if you then do the same thing over again) - because he knows that however much you complain, in the end, you'll do it anyway.

It's a small 1st step to stop cleaning but I understand your frustration as living in a messy/dirty house (by your normal standards) would make many people feel unhappy. That'd be a hard thing to stick to for many. What I'd do is sit him down - yet again - and tell him for the umpteenth time that the current status quo is grossly unfair. Why does he think you are a lesser being than him ? .... he must do, if he's happy for you to wait hand and foot on him. If he doesn't start stepping up, regardless of whether or not you get a cleaner as there'll still be stuff to do despite that, I'd absolutely stop doing anything personal to or for him ..... don't wash/iron his clothes, don't tidy his stuff away (other than to tip it into a bin bag you can shove in the shed/garage/spare room, don't do his paperwork, don't take his stuff to the dry cleaners, don't "remember" his family's birthdays etc etc.

Large foot up his backside.
Will only get worse when baby gets here.

You need to sort this out now because otherwise this baby will come and you will go out of your mind with the stress of running the house and looking after a baby.
I've had four cleaners and they've all been absolutely and totally trustworthy; bite the bullet and do it. Send your ironing out once a week.
Your bigger problem is your husband not being a self centred arse. If he won't listen when you ask him, why not just start doing things for yourself for a day or two - cook a meal for yourself, not for both of you; clear up your own things but leave his mess alone etc. It won't take long for him to cotton on to how much you do for him.

I'm sorry, but I think he's an arsehole.

Why the hell does he think it's okay for you to be doing all of the housework? He won't change when the baby is born, so if you're going to make a stand do it now and be serious about it.

sit down and agree a division of jobs, if he hasn't done his weeks worth at the end of the week pack up his shit and send him back to his mother's because you certainly don't need extra children in the house when the baby arrives.

I think getting a cleaner is a good idea anyway - DP and I have one as we both work full-time and don't want to be spending our evenings and weekends hoovering and mopping and scrubbing. We've never had any problems of the kind you describe, and I've never heard of anyone who has. If you hire a cleaner on a friend's recommendation, or via a reputable agency, it should be fine. You could lock valuables away if it makes you feel better.

I agree it doesn't fix the underlying issue here though. If you're both working full-time, you shouldn't be doing all the 'wife work' just because you happen to be female. Sorry to be blunt, but that's absolutely ridiculous. You should be doing half each - in fact if you're not feeling well or getting easily tired due to your pregnancy, he should be doing more than half for the moment. You shouldn't be giving him lists of chores either, it's equally his responsibility to notice and keep track of what needs doing. How did this situation happen - has it been like this as long as you've been together?

Sorry, just read how long you commute, perhaps you should think about a cleaner
However, your DH does still need a kick in the ass

Your DH is a moody twat. Tell him to grow the fuck up. He is about to become a father FFS.

If you both work you should share housework 50/50. If one of you is not feeling good the other should take more on, so really he should be doing far more than you, not just occasionally throwing you a concilliatory bone every now and then. Having a penis doesn't mean you never have to clean and cook any more than having a vagina means you have to do all the housework. I've never read it, but I've heard lot of people on here talking about the book Wifework wrt this issue, perhaps you should check it out?

I would say you need to nip this in the bud right now. It's housework right now, but soon it'll be night feeds, nappies and family days out he wont have anything to do with. Do you want to be in charge of all the housework and childwork and have a full time job whilst he swans about enjoying the benefits of your unpaid labour? Sounds to me that is exactly what he's planning.

So either get paid help, or make him step up.

Also, you worry about having a cleaner steal your stuff, but will presumably be employing a nanny if you go back to work after you have the baby? You'll have to get over your concerns at some point I'm afraid. I'm sure that the large majority of cleaners in this world are honourable people who would never dream of stealing your stuff. Just treat them with respect, pay them well, and I'm sure everything will be fine. If you really are worried perhaps you could arrange to have them clean whilst you are home with your feet up until you feel like you can trust them?

I don't have the answer as to how I'm afraid but would urge you to try to sort this out sooner rather than later. I'm in the same position with my husband and am now 38weeks pregnant, still working full time, still doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. Every few weeks I sit him down and spell it out to him again and he looks suitably sorry and promises to 'step up' but I'm still waiting for that to stick. I can't see it getting any better now when the baby arrives and I'm just getting majorly irritated with him. If anyone knows how to make him understand what needs done and just actually DO IT I would be keen to hear!

I also have a lovely, supportive partner who apparently cannot see what needs doing around the house. So after many years of simmering resentment and then rows, I have finally accepted that he needs simple direction. So "darling, it would be SO helpful if you could unload the dishwasher. Now. Thank You" - I used to think writing a list was childish - if I could see what needed doing, surely he could - well, he can't - so on his days off he gets a list and he likes crossing things off. Just don't put too much on it because that causes paralysis and a return to the X-box/pub/TV/bed and the excuse of "well if I can't do it all I may as well not do anything...."

I now it has already been said but:
I'd discuss this VERY seriously with him because things will not get any easier when LO arrives. He might be lovely, but he sounds selfish. He needs to learn that his own needs/desires can no longer be priority number one.

What DOES he do? Seriously, you say he is a good husband, but I'm not seeing any evidence of this. He doesn't pull his weight, lets his pregnant wife run around after him, disrespects you by "humouring" you rather than genuinely apologising and making an effort- what is in it for you in this relationship?

Maybe you do both need counselling, but in a marriage guidance sense.

You both need to understand that you have a good job, you could go it on your own and raise your baby yourself no problem. You don't have to put up with this- you aren't trapped and he needs to start taking you seriously.

Woops! I know

Also for those of you who cannot seem to make their partners do the housework, get paid help and make them pay for it. They can't do their share of the work, they pay for someone else to do it. Simple.

he's so LOVELY and WONDERFUL to the outside world. This classic statement frequently applies to selfish/inconsiderate/manipulative/abuse individuals.

Take whatever steps are needed to cure him of this trait NOW 'cos it's unlikely there'll be an opportunity to bring about a postiive change in his attitude after the birth.

And make a wise decision to unburden yourself and seek advice here rather than confiding in MIL/family/mutual friends.

BTW I've not had any honesty issues when employing domestic help but, in any event, valuable jewellery/documents etc should be kept in a safe or other secure fireproof container.

Does your dh spend his evenings and weekends doing fixing stuff/DIY/decorating/gardening/maintenance on your car(s)/dealing with bills etc.

No ?

Assuming that your cars are serviced/repaired by a garage - So , he's outsourced this man type work.

Assuming that you get someone in each time you need decorating/home improvement projects - So , he's outsourced this husband type work.

Assuming that you deal with all domestic paperwork (bills etc) - So , he's delegated this task to you.

He has free time because he has outsourced or delegated the 1950's type man/husband type household work. I suggest you create rest time by outsourcing some of the 1950's model wife/female household work as much as possible.

Start with getting an iron out service and a cleaner and move on form there.

Get over your fear of cleaners, get a quality lockable filing cabinet or similar for personal stuff/valuables if you are worried about security issues, give the cleaner only one door key so its cheaper to change the lock if you have to change cleaners.

If your h does not agree with paying for help, sit down and draw up a list of household tasks adding weekly time required estimates and do include all outsourced stuff such as window cleaner car servicing/repairs to show him how much you do compared to how much he does. Tell him that your free time needs to equal his and split the household duties accordingly. Tell him that if he defaults on the agreement of equal free time by not doing an equal share (and actually doing it, not just agreeing to it and then forgetting/not getting round to it) you will hire replacement help for his share of the tasks.

When the baby comes you may need to revisit the agreement.

omg you really need to tell him how disapointed you are in him.
He is not pulling his weight.
But as things have been you can't xpect him to change the status quo overnight so I suggest a takeover plan so to speak.
Write down what he can start off doing (and pick something that would impact him in a big way if it doesn't get done) and then keep adding to the list until you are nine months gone and sitting on the sofa with magazines and chocolate waiting to deliver.

Seriously you will make yuourself ill if you don't manage or delegate your houseold chores between you.

Yes, would agree with people who say that you need to get this sorted before baby arrives,

Get home from work. Go to bed straight away, sleep and rest (at 15 weeks I could sleep just about anywhere). Do nothing that is not 100% essential to you and your baby's well being. Let your DH pick up the slack and if he doesn't, well, let it slide for a couple of weeks until you start to feel a bit better.

thetideishigh you are not very fair, OP herself does not want a cleaner... it is not a feminist issue.

OP, getting a cleaner (a wonderful Spanish lady for 8 years and, when she retired, a wonderful Polish lady) was the best money I used to spend when I was working. You will have to ask for a lot of references to find someone you trust, but believe me, you will never look back!

You can get a proper large safe to keep all your valuables. I would do it anyway, whether you have a cleaner or not. Alternatively, get her to come to you when you are at home at weekends (you will have to pay extra for this though)...

get it sorted AND get a cleaner.

Don't be a martyr. Never be a martyr. martyrs NEVER get what they want. And become miserable too.

I would move out, and tell him you'll be back if and when he can do his share. He is NOT lovely or NICE. He needs a wake up call.

I used to work in the City on the trading, I used to commute 3hr a day. If someone told me to pick up domestic chores when I could barely move my feet by the end of the week I would have killed them.

Freudian slip - I secretly long to abuse abusive individuals by giving them a taste of a Magnum.

Your husband is a dick.

Did you live together before you got married and pregnant?
If so, was he behaving the same way then?

I dont think you need a cleaner, I think you need a new husband.

Unless your husband can turn himself around, I think your relationship is doomed.

He is a big selfish manchild.