...to ask for 'HELP' after I've admitted I'm struggling with being pregnant.

[Peanut143]

Okay, my husband and I both work in the city and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. After work I get home (after a 3 hour commute each day) and start work as the 'wife'. I cook, clean, tidy and wash. You name it, I do it (oh and that even includes the paperwork!). Recently I've been speaking to my husband saying that I'm physically struggling and need help around the house and he agreed to help out by perhaps hoovering or cooking dinner once a week just to give me a break. Don't get me wrong, he could do more but I thought with him doing anything would be something. Well, you guessed it, nothing happened. I asked again and again and nothing. He doesn't refuse to do it, he even apologises for not doing it (probably just to shut me up) but it just doesn't happen. He's lovely and wonderful in so many ways but I broke down last week and sobbed to him that I NEED HELP! This is really hard for me to admit as I'm quite an independant and proud person and we don't even have any friends or family near us to step in. I spoke to his Mum this week and we had a lovely conversation where I opened up etc only to find out that she called him at work the next day to say that 'she's worried' about me and that 'you both need counselling'. WTF!? I just feel like I constantly have to remind him (and sometimes everyone it feels) that I'm pregnant but I've just given up now (to stop sounding like being pregnant means I can excuse myself from doing anything) and I've stopped cleaning (it's been a week now) but again, nothing has happened. I just have to put up with his mood swings when he's finished being 'Mr Corporate' for the day.

Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? I just feel so on my own. I know hormones have a pivotal part to play in all of this but I just can't go on like this anymore. What's it going to be like when the baby arrives!?

You seem to have got yourself backed into a bit of a corner here - if your relationship has always been like this, and he has never done anything to support how you live together, then it's going to be difficult to get him to start now.

How long have you been together, and has he EVER done anything in the house? Are all his family and cultural expectations such that he expects to have an arrangement where a woman looks after everything? Does he also expect that the man pays for everthing? Are either of those positions what YOU want, and are either of them possible?

It's not as simple as just getting outside help. Even if you have enough money to employ help with the cleaning, cooking, gardening, laundry and all the babycare, I'm guessing that the responsibiity to organise it all would fall to you. What will happen in the days immediately after you have your baby - who will cook and clean then?

You said previously about your melt-down, that you told him:
" 'sort yourself out otherwise GET OUT!'. And guess what....still nothing happened."
Well, the 'still nothing happened' bit is also your responsibility. You made a threat but didn't follow through on it.

It doesn't matter how many million people come on here and say that you are being reasonable and that he is being unreasonable. You need to have some approaches that work (both for the immediate situation and the longer term), approaches that are relevant to how your relationship has been up until now, and how you want it to be in the future.

Good luck.

bemybebe

I beg to differ, why is the OP referring to spending her evenings doing "wife" work ?

I'm just playing the husband/wife 1950's duties game right back at her husband to whom it appears it has not occurred that he does not have a god given right to have his wife do these things for him with nothing in return.

Whenever I've been pregnant I suffer terrible morning sickness and fatigue. I just completely stopped doing anything except the washing

DH basically cooked the whole time or brought me a take away!

We also have a cleaner. And a small safe (can get them in robert dyas) - we put the key things in there so passports, cheque books etc. Peace of mind but also it means we always know where to find them! And get a friend to recommend one of theirs.

As others have said, this is only going to get worse when baby arrives. He needs to step up. There is only so much you can outsource

In the short term just do the bare minimum - cook yourself a quick meal, only wash what you need, only iron what YOU need - he can do his own ironing!

Lay down the law - being pregnant can make you feel terrible and he needs to understand that he is as responsible for you being in this position as you are!!

Amazed at all the posters addressing the symptoms and not the underlying cause.

Your H does NOT sound lovely at all - he sounds selfish, manipulative, sexist, controlling, unkind and verging on a bully.

STOP doing things for him - stop right now. He's a grown man and you're not his domestic staff; you're supposed to be the woman he loves, his best friend etc.

Do your laundry etc if he won't but do nothing for him. Nothing at all. And to be honest, I think you need to have a long hard think about your relationship. What exactly are you getting out of it? Do you love him? Does he make YOU feel loved by him?

He emotionally down. As he closes the front dorr, the door to him closes. He does nothing roud the house. And he seems to have very little respect for his wife. she talked about the hoovering, he agreed to do, then ripped up list.

And you think your relationship bodes well. Really. It seems doomed if anything.

How long have you been with this man ? Did it not occur to you before that there were some very very serious emotional issues here. Did you not consider this before deciding to have children ???

thetideishigh is spot on!

oblomov is spot on too.

OP, if you freind invited you for coffee and said this to you, what would you think ?
You would think that her husband was a dick and that she was better off out of this so-called-marriage, wouldn't you ?

So it won't come as much of a shock to you, that I suspect that the majority of us think this about you, I am so very sorry to tell you.

Never mind 50:50 - he should be doing more than his fair share if you're pregnant and struggling.

Have you considered going on strike? Easy enough if you're home before him (which I take it you are doing 9-5. Cook and eat before he gets home.

You need to sort this out now. If he's this bad now, imagine what he'll be like when you're on mat leave! And if he has no respect for your tiredness now, he'll be no better when you've a newborn to contend with.

Just stop doing the paperwork. Step back. Yes, you may get a red bill or two, but the world won't stop turning. Tell him it's his job now. And while you're at it, tell him the vacuuming is also his job. Don't crack. It will have to get worse before he takes up the slack.

A tip which I picked up on MN which works well for me is to say "I'll just do x while you do y". But then, while DH can be a bit oblivious, he's aware it's not his strong suit and jumps into action when I point out he's slipping towards being rubbish.

YANBU but the suggestion of counselling from his Mum might not be totally daft. He is not pulling his weight, but if you have to keep pointing this out then the 'nagging' becomes the bone of contention and you'll have weird circular arguments in which it somehow becomes your fault that he never does owt because he doesn't like being nagged.

Having the same conversation with a Relate counsellor present might be much more constructive.

You need to sort this now. DH and I shared chores 50:50 before DD was born and rarely disagreed about who should do what, but even we found that sorting out who should do what when I was at home with the baby and he was working full time took quite a lot of discussion/argument. Honestly, you don't want to be dealing with someone who totally relies upon you to meet all their needs and a newborn simultaneously.

Get a cleaner in.

Heat up Ready Meals one or two nights a week - M&S do Meals for 2 for £10

Go out for dinner / cinema with a friend - leave him to fend for himself

Take it easy on the weekend, relax, treat YOURSELF

This rings alarm bells for me. Your husband is watching you, his pregnant wife, work a full day and then come home and skivvy around the house.

The fact that he doesn't take on his share of these normal adult responsibilities usually is worrying enough, but the fact that he won't help you when you are carrying his child leaves me speechless, to be honest.

It will be worse when the baby comes along. Will he be helping when you are recovering from birth? Will he be assisting with night feeds? Will he be doing his fair share of childcare / nurseyr pick ups etc or will that all be your job, too?

Time for a serious talk. He needs to grow up and sharpish.

OP, sort this out now or you will end up resentful and knackered once the baby is here. I don't agree the marriage is moribund. Some very unpromising men end up as quite decent husbands with the right handling .

Your DH gave you a huge clue when he took down your list. He DOES feel guilty but is resenting you for making you feel guilty. Not healthy.

I think delegating as much as you can to a reliable cleaner and laundry service is the way to go. But make sure you negotiate with him about the remaining chores and do not take no for an answer. Approach it with some tact and humour, and try not to order him about which will make him even more resentful. He needs to grow up, but you want him to feel it was all his idea.

You said you both worked in the City, men in the City think that their full day of work is exhausting and should excuse them from doing anything else, and a number of their colleagues will agree with that attitude. Had you thought that your husband might well think you will give up work, do the baby, housework etc leaving him free to work v hard during the day and basically justifying to himself and his "colleagues" that he dosen't need to do anymore, as that is what you will be at home for? It may be that works for you. However there is an unhealthy culture of sexist behaviour in the City that actively promotes long working hours (including the post work down time) of married men whilst their partners bring up the children, dog, house etc with their wages and bonuses being their reasons for you doing all this. Sorry to be cynical, I am 20 years down the line from the OP's position as perhaps it currently is.

get home, sit down say "I'd like a cup of tea oh and what are you making for dinner"

employ a cleaner

basically take charge - and stop treating him like a "husband", treat him like a partner - you have expectations and he needs to help out more

Your DH is being a twat and you're being a mug for allowing the situation to continue. It needs to stop!
Your DH needs to change his attitude and you need to stop being a martyr.
If you can afford it get a cleaner, I work long hours and the last thing I want to do at weekends is clean, that's family time. If you're convinced they'll rob you, get a safe.

Do you know anyone who has a cleaner they're happy with / trust? You're very unlucky to have two friends robbed by cleaners. Was it the same one? Cleaner, that is...

OP I'm not going to judge your DH; there must be good reason why you married him and decided to have children with him.

What I would suggest is getting a cleaner through an agency like Molly Maid, since they are fully insured. I know this doesn't deal with the cause but it will make your life easier which is what you need right now. DH and I used to spend all weekend cleaning and/or arguing about cleaning... We've had a cleaner for the last 3 years and I have never looked back. Whatever it takes to make your life easier, especially since you are only going to have more cleaning/washing/feeding in 6 months.

Perhaps DH doesn't think it's his job to do this stuff, but has he ever said he does think that it's yours??? Maybe a cleaner would sort it out!

I'd reiterate the good advice - get a cleaner, stop doing anything for him - he treats you like his servant and that indicates that he does not respect you. I can't believe you have let this go on for so long, you need some self respect too and I mean that in the best way, you are more than a cook, cleaner washer woman to a man so behave like it.

You don't need this stress, you need to look after yourself and the baby. Sit him down and ask him what he expects will happen when the baby arrives? And then put him straight.

Good luck with the pregnancy, hope you get to enjoy it, its a special time.

What pretty much everyone else said. This is not OK, it is not normal, and he is a dick.

How on earth did you get yourself into this situation? It will be hard, but you need to sort out the power balance between you before this baby comes. Otherwise you won't make it.

When I was pregnant first time round and working full time, DH did half of all cleaning and ALL cooking (as I couldn't stomach the smells). This time I'm not working, I do most cooking and cleaning, and I look after DD in the day, but when he's here he shares 50/50. He gets up less in the night than me, which annoys me, but if I ask him to he'll go.

A cleaner will certainly help. Get a safe if you're worried, and go through an agency. But this won't sort out the problem. Main problem being that he is happy for you to do all the work and carry the baby. He doesn't respect you and he thinks he is above you. Maybe his mum is right about the counselling...

A rota seems like the first thing he needs. Does he not know what needs doing or how to do it? Tell him. Nag him.

The other thing is, you say you told him to get out if he doesn't change... how many times will you say that before you actually mean it? Ultimatums that you don't mean are worth little. Did you mean it? Then ask him to leave until he can think of a solution to the problem.

Yes def get a cleaner if you can afford it, but on a deeper level - kill off this idea that he might 'help' you round the house.

That implies it's your job! Tell him that he needs to be doing, or making outsourcing arrangements for, HIS FAIR FUCKING SHARE of the home you have made together.

And yes, make expectations clear regarding taking an equal role with the baby, too. My DH comes home from work and immediately starts putting the kids to bed, even though I'm on mat leave, because he says we've BOTH been working all day, we're now on duty together, and being in the office is easier than being with two small kids.

I'm just about 41wks pg now and lucky in that dh does help - but he needs to be told exactly what to do and how and to ask me again halfway through because he forgot what he was doing already and washing up that would take me 10mins takes him an hour. And despite being perfectly intelligent, having 20:20 vision and having me cry in pain when tripping over stuff left on the floor when spd was too painful for me to do the picking up - he STILL thinks it is ok to leave toys, junk mail, whatever all over the floor and even in doorways.

So - not advice, just commiserations. Men can be pretty thick. They don't get it. They should but however reasonable your demands are, I don't think it is realistic to expect a fundamental change.

Just to clarify - I do think he should more than help - he should be taking over the majority of the tasks to give you the best chance of a healthy, happy pregnancy with HIS child! I just think he'll need a complete re-education or major awakening before that is even a possibility. So yes to the cleaner and yes to easy, easy meals and yes to leaving all the paperwork on his desk.

Gentleness, much sympathy - but hate hearing things like men are 'hopeless' or 'pretty thick'.

They are not. They (like women) can be lazy and selfish WHEN THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE.

None of this stuff is difficult, and it shows a terrible lack of respect for your supposedly loved partner to pretend it is.

oh, please sort this out NOW - when the baby comes is NOT a good time to try to sort this. Please don't be a mug anymore for this bloke.

Why did you think a baby was a good idea? Am genuinely curious, this is not a trick question.