to think that people who have young children aren't in a position to know whether it is harder not to have older children or teenagers?

[Anice]

but on the other hand people who have older children have been in both situations and can compare?

See I have 3 dds - 5, 3 and 3 months, I'm assuming it will be harder when they are teenagers, Christ I remember what I was like

lockets- you can comment in a sympathetic manner but not in away that dismisses what someone is saying. The experience of child rearing whilst may have common problems is still a subjective opinion and small factors can change the whole experience.

I do think that you do have a selective memory as your kids grow up, you just can't remember what the baby/toddler years were like. Many of my friends have much older children and have rather selective memories. It doesn't matter if its harder or not, it depends on you and your children.

hatwoman- but surely that just shows that it IS just a different kind of hard?

to be clear - i don´t try to advise other people on how to raise their kids ESP older ones as I clearly wouldn´t know what i was talking about. And I can imagine teenage years are pretty ´orrible. But I just don´t think competitive pity parties get anyone anywhere. We all have our bag of shit to carry around.

As a mother of nearly-Kevin-The-Teenager... give me little ones every time!

I think the OP means the smug way that parents of young children and babies act - as if they know the right way to raise a child and you of course got it all wrong. I think we're all a bit guilty of doing that with our own parents. My mother stood meekly by whilst I told her that all her child-raising ideas were complete rubbish as I slaved over the Annabel Karmel book making individual butternut squash purees.

I see your point. I've had my fair share of judgement from new mummies pushing their pfb around in the immaculate new pram, sneering at me or looking on in horror as I attempt to deal with my sometimes unruly 3 year old. They're probably thinking "I'd never letter my child run off/eat Quavers/sit in a buggy at that age". And maybe they wont. But I used to think those things too. Until I came down to earth with a bump

What gets me is how so many people helpfully warn you about how much hard word babies are. Looking after a newborn is a piece of piss compared to dealing with an unruly toddler who has boundless energy and an answer for everything. God help me when mine hits puberty....

But in some ways its only harder when they get older if you worry about what lifestyle that they are going to have when they are an adult. Not everyone worries about the type of adult that they are raising or the impact that life choices will make on their childrens life, long term.

I once read a woman on a forum saying that she had no tolerance for parents whose toddlers behaved badly in cafes because her DD was always beautifully behaved in public even though she was only 15 months old.

I've got a teen, and I honestly have forgotten much of the baby/little ones years, things that seemed so important at the time just fade as they go on to the next stage.

There's an Italian proverb - Little children - headache. Big children - heartache.

I found that having my DD2, I'd forgotten a lot of what looking after babies is like. Toddler wrangling, I'm in the thick of. Give me a few years and I'll be immersed in the next stage and have hazy memories of the previous ones. Just how it goes. But yes, first-timers with babies really have no idea about what's coming. I am under no illusions that it get easier - it's just different.

I would have ten 2yo toddlers instead of a stroppy cow my 12yo DD any day!

toomuchtea-yes i know but what i mean is that not every parent cares, i have a grown up DD and two teenagers and i am astounded at the lack of caring by some of my teenagers friends parents. For some teenagers there is no guidance or support at all. The parents seemed to think that once they are old enough to take themselves to school then they are old enough to make their own decisions and take (as well as everyone else) the consequences. These parents would tell you how easy teenagers are and 'hard work' little ones are.

Oh there is nothing winds me up more than some first time mum with a baby giving me advice on how to handle my teen. Come back when you've had a taste of the teenage years luv, THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I AM ON ABOUT!!!!
this

It's not a comparison of what is worse, it's just a different ball game. Mind, all kids and teenagers are different.

I must admit to being a little when mums of pre school age DC tell me how I'll feel when DD goes to school, becomes a teen etc etc.
How do they know????
Everyone feels differently about the different stages and everyone copes differently. Some parents relish the baby years, others much prefer the teen years.
I have long given up mentioning that I have a much older DC too. It makes absolutely no difference, and usually the conversation continues exactly as it did before I mention my eldest.
Now I just tend to listen and nod.

YANBU. But I do get annoyed when my sil (dc aged 11 and 13) tells me that its so much harder when they are older (mine are 8 and 1). I know its a "different" hard but my current issues are nearly wetting myself because I just never get time to go to the loo, meeting friends with greek yoghurt and raspberry in my hair, having to sing in the queue at Tesco to avoid a major meltdown and constantly picking gunk off the floor. I know from my experience with ds1 that this aspect of parenting gets easier once they get to 3/4.

Harassedinherpants. I get annoyed by people assuming that you have an only and giving unsolicted advice too. In the doctors surgery the other day some random woman started telling me that it so much harder with two and that it is so stressful applying for school places etc. I just smiled sweetly and nodded I didn't have the heart to tell her that ds1 goes to the same school as her dc.

I also get annoyed by people who think that having two children makes them an expert on parenting and that parents of onlys are somehow not having the "whole" experience. When ds1 was a toddler he was playing with a similar aged child in the park and I started asking her about her child just to make polite conversation. She rolled her eyes and said "We do have an elder child so of course this is nothing new to us" and grabbed her child and went. Because of course mothers with two can only mix with other mothers of two etc.

I do think that people forget what each phase was like once they're past it. Women from my mother's generation, particularly, seem to remember very selectively.

Kids are like marriage, aren't they? The hardest year is always the one you're in.

I saw this on twitter yesterday.

"At every new stage of parenting, the worries of the previous stage appear madly exaggerated." Alain de botton.

Now I look back I do think babies were a walk in the park compared to my hell-raising pre-schoolers.

I hope there's a lull between starting school and the teenage years. Someone please tell me they are lovely between 7-11 .

I think some valubale advice could be had from many of the twenty something mums on mumsnet as we do remeber (vividly eurgh) the horror of being a teenager so you can get the answers you would want form your own teens but in non grunting language you can understand

well of course yanbu, basically; but it is also quite irritating when people tell you how marvellous babies/toddlers are and how easy it all is when they are little and how much worse it is going to get. Partly because you can't really know how easy someone else finds things; but also because people get awfully misty-eyed about babies and conveniently forget just how hellish it can seem for parents of tots.

I mainly enjoy having a 2yo and 12yo. They are challenging in very different ways.