to think it's wrong that my 8 year old DD is sleeping in her dads bed

[murrayc3]

My ex and I are divorced, we have shared custody of our 3 DD's. He has them 3 nights a week. When my DD's are with him the DD 1, now 8 years old, sleeps in her dads bed. in fact she doesn't even have a bed at his house anymore. I feel this is really wrong but he see's no problem. What do I do??

Many have said about the OP being the mother and her uneasiness/wishes but what if the child actually wants to sleep there? do her wishes not matter?
The OP also said the other 2 DD's didn't know any different as it had always been the case so I can't see how they would suddenly feel different.

The ex'es brother moved in after they split, I would assume the op knew this when it happened and that there were not enough rooms for the DD's then. If thats the case then this issue should have been addressed earlier.

I personally do not see the problem but then up until my dad died I would lay down with him when he had a sleep. Not because there was any sordid reason just something I had done from childhood.

The other thing I meant to add.
The eldest is really the only one who is old enough to have realised fully what was going on with her parents re them splitting. Maybe sleeping in her daddys bed gives her comfort that he still loves her even though mummy and daddy don't live together.

TLE - I'd imagine that the OP thought at the start that it was a temporary arrangement until her XH could afford to buy a triple bunk?

And how is the DD going to feel when XH has a new partner who 'deposes' her from her dad's bed? Somewhat rejected by the father, I should think, . Whereas if she gets her own bed now, when her dad

OOh, that went horribly wrong, having trouble with my PC this morning! What I meant to say was :

TLE - I'd imagine that the OP thought at the start that it was a temporary arrangement until her XH could afford to buy a triple bunk?

And how is the DD going to feel when XH has a new partner who 'deposes' her from her dad's bed? Somewhat rejected by her dad, I should think, plus not going to like the new girlfriend no matter how nice she might be. Whereas if she gets her own bed now, when her dad does get a new relationship, it should not be nearly astraumatic for her.

And yes, to an earlier post, I would feel exactly the same about this scenario if it was a DS and not a DD - still the potential for feeling rejected, resentment between children because of favouritism/envy.

Why isn't it good for the child, Appley?
I can't see there's a problem at all - chiclet's right

TLE -- A child is on dangerous ground if she is allowed to equate 'still loving her' with sleeping with the person who 'still loves her'. If she is in fact mature enough to understand what went on with her parents wrt the separation, then it is doubly important that she understands that her father loves her as a daughter and as a child and not as a replacement sleeping partner since mummy is not sleeping with him any more. It is very important that she doesn't get the impression that she is filling mummy's shoes here in her father's life.

It should be very important for the father here to show his DD that he loves her as his daughter and that he is still her daddy no matter what. The sleeping arrangements as described will blur the line for the child, the line between being a child/daughter and something else will be crossed (not necessarily sexually but emotionally).

She is not daddy's best friend. She is not there to assuage daddy's loneliness, and she is not a mini-mummy.

If there's an issue with the DD being clingy and afraid to sleep alone then it is even more important to insist in a kind but firm way that she learn to sleep on her own. If it proves too difficult, then she will need counselling to explore what her fears or issues are. Taking the easy way out for the sake of a bit of sleep for all at night will come back to bite everyone on the bum later.

YANBU, it's not appropriate. She should have her own bed.

mathanxiety

You are spot on in what you say. I know people will probably use this against me in the future -yes I do mean you Goblinchild but in the isolated area I live in it was all to common when a woman with a large family died in childbirth -which happened a lot pre 60's that some how the eldest daughter was expect to become Mam to the little ones and play the part of the Mrs in general on the farm. I don't mean they were all in a sexual relationship with their Fathers far from it but their lives were sacrificed in the cause of keeping the family happy and the home going.

Even now you see can see 50 year old spinsters waiting hand and foot on their aged Fathers. You also see bachelor sons of that age trailing around after their early widowed Mams and it is wrong. Op's DD should be allowed to be her own person not a substitute for another person don't allow the child to pay a price that is far far to high.

What do daddies think? Any around?

Would that be an isolated area in Ireland, Beesimo? Because I recognised the pattern from Ireland (and I know someone who is now elderly who was assigned the role of mammy to a large family of younger siblings and was then brutally told her place by the new wife when the father married again, and it didn't work out happily.)

I think that happens all over the place Math, I come from the North of England, and there were quite a few middle aged people who had grown up under those circumstances.

I can only speak about the North of England but I'm sure it happens/happened in every rural/peasant/farming area in the world.