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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's wrong that my 8 year old DD is sleeping in her dads bed

139 replies

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:36

My ex and I are divorced, we have shared custody of our 3 DD's. He has them 3 nights a week. When my DD's are with him the DD 1, now 8 years old, sleeps in her dads bed. in fact she doesn't even have a bed at his house anymore. I feel this is really wrong but he see's no problem. What do I do??

OP posts:
RhiRhi123 · 13/05/2011 09:07

hi murray I don't think it's too wierd as he's her father. On the other hand my DSS 10 stays in a bed with his nan when he sleeps there and she has 2 spare rooms and beds i find this really odd and she won't be doing it with my DD. I can see why you have reservations though. Could he not get a camp bed for her in his room?

BestNameEver · 13/05/2011 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 13/05/2011 09:14

Good post BestEverName.

To all of you saying it's fine for her to sleep with her dad, did you all have a bed at the age of eight?

ElsieR · 13/05/2011 09:17

I haven't read all the thread but I'll say my bit anyway.
I think this is quite odd and wrong. Occasionally if DD is ill or whatever, why not but on a regular basis, I just don't think it is healthy.
At this age and well before this age, children should sleep on their own. YAdefoNBU

ElsieR · 13/05/2011 09:19

Oh and by the way, whether she chooses to or not is irrelevant. Children, like adults can't always choose to do what they want, it might be tough but that's life.

beesimo · 13/05/2011 09:27

Why is the Dad not sleeping on his own in the single bed avaliable and two of the DDs sharing the double bed. I am sorry to be blunt but I do feel that on many levels for a man to choose to select/allow or whatever other way you want to put it one daughter to share what in effect would be the marital bed is peculiar.

Is it really happening mainly for the childs sake? Does the lass think Daddy needs to be looked after is she as the oldest trying to be surrogate wife/Mummy.

Will the two youngest not feel very excluded by this behaviour?

Our bairns were allowed into our bed when they were ill/upset but we always lifted them back into their own beds before morning so they woke up where they 'should be'.

Where is the situation going OP

seeker · 13/05/2011 09:30

Yes she should have her own bed.

No it's not wierd for a child to share a bed with their parent, and the people who think it is are have horrible minds.

fifi25 · 13/05/2011 09:32

Ask him to buy a triple bunk. I have one with 3 kids in in a 3 bed house. At 8 i wouldnt have a problem with any of mine sleeping in dads bed at his house. He has a 2 bed flat. DD's 9 and 7 have a room with bunks and dd 2 sleeps with dad. I dont think the older ones would want to sleep in his bed but i wouldnt have problem with it if they did.

ElsieR · 13/05/2011 09:37

There is nothing wrong with my mind Seeker Hmm

belgo · 13/05/2011 09:39

So basically seeker you are saying that anyone who doesn't agree with you has a nasty mind?

Did you have your own bed as an eight year old?

bemybebe · 13/05/2011 09:40

agree with seeker

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 09:42

There is nothing wrong with my mind either. It is neither normal or natural for an 8yo to be forced to sleep with her father and have no choice in the matter.

bemybebe · 13/05/2011 09:45

For those who cannot read:

"Yes she should have her own bed.

No it's not wierd for a child to share a bed with their parent, and the people who think it is are have horrible minds."

belgo · 13/05/2011 09:48

bembybebe - those two sentences cannot be separated.

It is weird for an eight year old girl not to have her own bed and to sleep with her dad three nights a week for the past two years. That is the situation we are talking about.

We are not talking about a child who occasionally crawls into her parent's bed for comfort after a nightmare, we are talking about a child who has no choice in the matter.

ZZZenAgain · 13/05/2011 09:50

If the mother is uneasy about it , I think the father has to find another solution. It is reasonable enough to request that she does not sleep inthe same bed as a grown man, even if he is her father. She is comfortable with the children being with him and in his home but not with the sleeping arrangements and I think it is fair enough to want to see this addressed. There is nothing OTT weird IMO about asking for your 8 year old dd to not share a bed . If it is at all possible to make other arrangements, I think it is resonable to bring it up and the father should be prepared to listen. If not, there is soemthing wrong withthat IMO (not that he is necessarily doing anything he should not be doing with his dd) but that he is ignoring what I tink are fairly reasonable concerns/requests for change from the mother.

seeker · 13/05/2011 10:10

"If the mother is uneasy about it , I think the father has to find another solution."

So, anything that a father does that a mother is uneasy with, he should stop doing?

bristolcities · 13/05/2011 10:12

I think if I had had such a openily loving dad I wouldn't have such massive issues with needing affection from men. It' lovely, your daugter is very luky girl.

belgo · 13/05/2011 10:14

But we're not talking about any little thing that the mother could be uneasy about, we are talking about something fairly major (ie. not having her own bed) that seems to be having a negative impact this child, and is unusual to say the least, and the mother is quite right to have her concerns,

seeker · 13/05/2011 10:25

I agree that the child should have her own bed. Of course she should. And the mother is perfectly right to say that the child needs her own space to occupy if she chooses to.

But come on, that's not what this thread is about, is it?

ScroobiousPip · 13/05/2011 10:29

How does your DD1 feel about it OP? I don't think co-sleeping is odd at all - in many cultures, the whole family (all ages) sleep together. But, if your DD feels uncomfortable or is getting to the age when she needs her own space, then your ex-DH should respond to that.

I do wonder if she would raise it if it was a problem though? Eg, asking to stay at yours more or asking your ex-DH for a bed of her own? Could it be that you are seeing a problem where she doesn't yet? Give her the confidence to voice her own opinion if she is not happy at any time and you may find that over time the situation will resolve itself.

beesimo · 13/05/2011 10:43

One of the reason child abuse goes on for years and years in some cases is that what is done within four walls in considered normal for the children living within the situation.

I don't know what is going on here if indeed anything is going on but I do know that I would never allow my DDs to be in a situation were the boundaries become blurred.

They need be allowed to seperate off from being Dads 'Princess' by the time they reach puberty.

shouldnotbehere · 13/05/2011 10:44

I can recall, if mum was away with work, and I didnt like being on my own, I'd go in Dad's bed to sleep. It was never ever, cant bring myself to say the word, but lets say nothing but innocent.

freeandhappy · 13/05/2011 10:45

i don't think you are being over sensitive. naturally you feel protective when she's away from you. i was sexually abused by a relation of my mothers right under her nose for years and now i err on the side of caution where my children are concerned. she should be in with her two sisters, they can double up if necessary. i think its creepy that he takes her in to his bed and inappropriate, especially when mum is not around. he shouldn't be singling her out for attention and he can love her and be her dad without taking her in to his bed. all that daddy's special little girl stuff is wrong anyway. her role is not to be his comforter and his role is not to comfort her by sleeping with her. he can make her feel secure in other ways. trust your own instincts.

fifi25 · 13/05/2011 10:46

Seeker i agree. Would it be different if dd was a ds. I have no problem at all with my dd's sleeping in there dads bed if they want to. Maybe not when they are teenagers but 8 is still a child. I know a girl who has a single mum and when she has sleepovers she leaves her friend to get in with mam and shes 13. I also know when my brother slept at his friend house he awoke to find friend in mams bed and he was 15 Grin

moonmother · 13/05/2011 10:53

I too had this situation92 years ago), both my children DD (11) and Ds (7) were sleeping in their Dads bed when staying with him at weekends.

In my situation it was slightly worse as his GF had moved in and was in the bed too, my DD was going through early puberty and when they came home and told me what was going on ( it had been a couple of weekends) I wasn't happy to say the least.Hmm Also the Dc's were coming home very tired as they weren't sleeping well at all.

I rang him straight away and told him it wasn't acceptable and that he had to find another bed for Dc's, he moaned there wasn't enough room , so I told him unless he sorted out the sleeping arrangements then the children wouldn't be sleeping over.

He duly went out and got a double airbed for them to have up at weekends.