Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's wrong that my 8 year old DD is sleeping in her dads bed

139 replies

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:36

My ex and I are divorced, we have shared custody of our 3 DD's. He has them 3 nights a week. When my DD's are with him the DD 1, now 8 years old, sleeps in her dads bed. in fact she doesn't even have a bed at his house anymore. I feel this is really wrong but he see's no problem. What do I do??

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2011 12:20

It's far from ideal. As OP has said, sleeping in with her dad three nights a week is causing the child difficulty in settling when sleeping alone.

Her little sisters have their own room, she does not. This is making differences between the daughters. The younger ones might envy her and feel less loved by their father because she has this additional closeness - from their perspective, it might look like favouritism. The older daughter might envy the younger two their own space and come to resent them. Nothing the OP has said leads me to believe this is the case, but these are possibilities with this scenario.

As the children get older, this will become more of a problem. If she continues to have trouble settling when sleeping alone, tiredness will have more of an impact as schoolwork gets more demanding.

You and your ex need to talk about this and what are his future plans. At some point she's going to need her own space at his house.

MrSpoc · 12/05/2011 12:21

Well if you explain that you appreciate that when the kids are with him then it is up to him how he parents them but the fact is your DD not having her own bad is impacting her in other ways and explain why. Try not to argue but get him to see that you are not having a go at him.

Original poster
murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 12:27

I will talk to him and see where we go from here. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 12/05/2011 12:27

good luck

Inertia · 12/05/2011 12:57

Sleeping in her Dad's bed isn't the problem - the problem is that she has no bed of her own if she does want to sleep in her own bed. At some point she will want privacy. There must be a possible alternative- her dad bunks up with his brother when they visit, or put all three girls in the largest room.

I'm assuming her dad does at least have the decency to put fresh sheets on the bed for her visit ?

MrSpoc · 12/05/2011 15:02

Inertia - what did you mean by I'm assuming her dad does at least have the decency to put fresh sheets on the bed for her visit

Are you trying to insinuate that he wanks all over the sheets and leaves them to go crusty?

RubyGrace17 · 12/05/2011 15:13

I would've thought it would've made more sense to have DD2 or 3 in with Dad, simply due to the fact that they're smaller which means more room! Is there a particular reason (ie.scared to sleep on her own, simply missing daddy since you split?) that she is sleeping in there and one of the younger ones isn't?

Ruby

gkys · 12/05/2011 15:19

maybe he needs to invest in bunks for the other room, have you suggested it? I don't think its a problem but its not ideal, where does she take friends etc?

Fennel · 12/05/2011 15:19

I think he could provide her with a sleeping space elsewhere, but it seems very normal for me for an 8yo to sleep with a parent sometimes. My 7yo dd3 has her own room but mostly sleeps on our bedroom floor. She's never liked sleeping alone, and her sisters don't want her at night, we don't mind.

And when Dp or I go away with work, the dds take it in turns to share our bed. We used to co-sleep with them as babies so it seems quite normal to us. But this is very much their choice, and I assume they will grow out of it at some point.

gkys · 12/05/2011 15:21

also our dc are always in or out of our bed, some nights I move sometimes DH does, am sure they will grow out of it Smile

2rebecca · 12/05/2011 15:28

I wouldn't mind if she just crept in there, but not giving her the option of her own bed to me implies his house isn't set up to cater for the children's needs. If he wants all 3 children staying regularly he should have 3 beds. Why can't his brother move out? I wouldn't be happy with this. Girls can reach puberty around 8 sometimes. She should have the option of a room with same sex people.

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 15:34

What happens if the father was to get a girlfriend? Where does this girl sleep then?

She should have her own bed. Bunk beds would be the best option. You can get ones that are a large single on the bottom, and a single on the top. Sufficient for 3 small children. Or the Dad gets a bedsettee and sleeps in his lounge.

THe children should have priority over a lodger.

ashamedandconfused · 12/05/2011 16:43

I am sure there is nothing untoward in this as some posters seem to think.

However, i think children should have their own place to sleep - DS comes into our bed most nights, by choice, but he still has HIS OWN BED where he goes to sleep.

It cannot go on forever, what teen/pre teen wants to sleep with her dad when she is becoming aware of her own changing body?

There are ways around this and they dont all need money. Could the 3 DDs share the double bed? Could DH / the brother sleep on the sofa?

IprivateI · 12/05/2011 16:54

I don't see a problem with this - he is afterall her FATHER..... Do you think your ex has paedophilic tendencies? If NO, then you are being TOTALLY unreasonable. She is still a child, and I am sure when she hits puberty she will ask for her own bed. Right now, you need to stop making your ex out to be some monster.

I wouldn't care if my DD slept with her father - infact she does some days, and I think it is beautiful. I used to sleep with my dad until I was about 10 or 12 years old too.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2011 18:12

IprivateI, the OP has already made clear she does not think that, her concerns are for her daughter's emotional health -

"I know she isn't in any danger but something inside me tells me she should be in her own room. She is a daddy's girl and loves the attention but this has been happening for over 2 years now. What happens when he meets someone. How will she feel when daddy doesn't want her in his bed anymore?"

The longer the current situation continues, the more rejected her DD may feel when it does end. Better to end it now, give her her own space (still able to come into daddy's bed if she wakes/can't sleep, that's not the issue).

And maybe it's preventing OP's XH from moving on and finding somone new, too.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2011 18:17

YANBU.

She should have her own bed and her father should have his. This is not healthy (apart altogether from the paedo non-issue) for either one of them. The father should not want this. He should want his own privacy. Something is amiss.

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 18:19

I would also wonder what the other children think of their sister being given what they probably consider as special treatment too.

Inertia · 12/05/2011 19:11

Mr Spoc, I'm not insinuating anything like that. Just think it's good manners and basic hygiene to change sheets somebody else has slept in before another person sleeps in the bed.

A1980 · 12/05/2011 22:22

My friends 11 year old DD is scared of the dark. She sleeps in her mum's room still at home becaseu of it. My firned isn't worried as she'll grow out of it.

When she stays with dad (my friends exDH) she sleeps in with her dad. She doens't want to sleep by herself as she is afraid.

I don't see a problem.

FabbyChic · 12/05/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

2rebecca · 13/05/2011 08:25

If an 11 year old who is at secondary school is still afraid of the dark I would have thought the problem is obvious. Do some parents like keeping their children afraid and dependant on them?

belgo · 13/05/2011 08:30

She needs to have her own bed, whether she chooses to sleep in it or not is up to her, but all three children need their own bed, and at age eight, she should be encouraged to sleep in it. This is one thing that social services check for, that all children have their own designated, comfortable place to sleep.

Squekytoy - I thought that as well, it seems that the children are being treated differently.

CareyFakes · 13/05/2011 08:33

She should have her own bed regardless of whether she chooses to sleep in it. I see nothing wrong with an 8 year old sharing a bed with their dad, but I see an issue of her not having her 'own space' so to speak.

DD sleeps in with me, but she also has her own bed which she chooses to sleep in sometimes, I wouldn't not have a room for her.

SardineQueen · 13/05/2011 08:35

Just dipped into the end here. What's wrong with being afraid of the dark? It's quite a rational thing to be afraid of (from an evolutionary perspective), lots of people have it, including some adults.

This is now a sign of something terrible now is it? Confused

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 13/05/2011 08:48

We only have a tiny house so unfortunately my DSDs don't have their own room. We specifically got a sofa bed rather than a normal sofa so they could stay over - they sleep in the living room which is fine for us all. We get the sofa bed out a bit early and all snuggle up with a movie or wii game until it's time for them to sleep :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread