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Bruised Ds this morning - worried school will notice!

116 replies

AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 08:53

DS is 10 and we have had lots of behavioural problems at school and home over the years and we (DH and I) have tried many different ways of dealing with him but nothing gets through. We are waiting for an assessment through our GP.

Currently he lies, answers back, calls us names, fights with his brother, cannot do anything he's told, has meltdowns about the slightest thing etc.

This morning I went into the loo after him and found an A4 piece of paper scrunched up in the loo, that he had tried to flush. It was blank. I asked why did it and he swore blind it was not him. He lies so convincingly, it's scary. The lies actually anger me more than the actual act and he will quite happily let his siblings take the blame. Cue me grabbing the end of his nose saying it will grow like Pinocchios, probably a bit too hard. A few minutes later I see that the tip of his nose has turned purple and now I feel so shit and worried that he will tell his teachers that I did it and then they will inform SS etc. He has before said that he will tell his teacher we are horrible to him when he has been told off. He later said 'Oh OK, it was me' but could not say why he did it.

I am so sick of it, every night I vow that I will be calm with him and will not let him wind me up. Really feel like running away and never coming back Sad.

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TattyDevine · 12/05/2011 08:57

Yikes. Is it really purple? Will it die down or will it stay there for a few days?

And you can't lie, because then it validates lying to him.

I'm not sure what to say. But you need to find ways of not "losing it" in a physical way with him - I know that wasn't exactly a punching rampage but it doesn't go down so well with the "safeguarding children" thing.

Can you keep him off school for a day till it goes down? (I'm not sure that's a good idea either but I'm a bit stuck for ideas!)


raindroprhyme · 12/05/2011 08:57

i think you need to phone the GP this morning and get an appointment.
You are at the end of your tether and need some support.
You knoiw yourself you reacted in the wrong way.
It is so hard and we have all been there.
So phone now or can you find a number for CAHMS( childrens and adolescent mental health team) and self refer.


ggirl · 12/05/2011 09:01

this is a sign that you need help
ask for some and deal with your anger problem
you can turn things round if you get help
your son is not to blame
you're the adult here
I'm sure you know this


ElsieR · 12/05/2011 09:05

Must have been the hell of a grab for it to become so bruised.... Seek help to accelerate the referral process. And walk away next time. It's never a good idea to be violent to a child, physically or verbally.


Animation · 12/05/2011 09:05

He will lie if it's not safe to tell the truth.


AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 09:08

It is not massively bruised Elsie. It is just the tip looked a bit purple. He has gone to school. DH has said I'm worrying for nothing. I have been to the GP previously about this and I was offered Prozac.

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ElsieR · 12/05/2011 09:11

good to hear. Helpful GP, huh? Can you go back and insist? I am sorry things are tough BTW.


lesley33 · 12/05/2011 09:12

DS may tell the school. The school may inform SS. SS may come out and visit. But tbh if there are no other problems, it is very very unlikely anything further will happen. SW may give you details of where to get support, but honestly, SS deal with much worse than this every day.

If SS investigate - and this will depend on where you live and how busy the local SS are - it would be to check whether there are major problems behind this 1 incident i.e. is son being physically abused or neglected in other ways.

Just 1 bit of advice. If SS do come and visit co-operate fully. They are far less likely to be worried if you let them in, answer their questions and let them talk to your son. If you refuse to do this, they may worry that you are hiding something seriously wrong. Also if they suggest sources of help, agree to look into them.

If there is nothing else worrying that SS could find, they will not be worried about your family as a child protection risk. They may talk about sources of help because they want to genuinely help you. But really 1 incident like this won't be seen as a big deal.


AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 09:12

Animation - I know what you are hinting at and you are way off. He is in no way scared of us or he would not call me a 'stupid idiot' all the time (not something we call him, I hasten to add). He lies because he does not want to get into trouble (priviledges removed, sent to bed early etc)yes, but he is old enough to understand that if he does not want to get into trouble, do not do the 'crime'.

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cannydoit · 12/05/2011 09:20

i dont think you should beat yourself up over this hun, you can only do your best in dealing with these situations. my dd is autistic and displayed some very challenging behaviour there were times when to be honest i was at the end of my tether. i dont view this as an anger problem as others here have said because that implys that you are raging out of control which obviously you didnt, though obviously you went to far if you left a mark.
you do seem to need some help with him is chams involved, does he have a statement, does the school know what he is like?
all of these will have relevance if he does say that you have done something to him, you do realise though that your 10 yr old son is blackmailing you by putting fear in to you that he will tell his teachers that you mistreat him.
dont get in to a spiral of feeling like a bad mum over this, today was a bad day we all have those, so long as your son know you love him and you are working towards getting help for him so your family can be happier write it off and start again tomorrow.


Animation · 12/05/2011 09:30

Well, yes he lies for a reason - he doesn't want to get into trouble.

Do your punishments usually fit the 'crime?'

I assume you agree that grabbing his nose for piece of A4 paper in toilet was way off.

Did you apologise to him for your behaviour?


AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 09:31

School do know what he is like. I have been called up there enough. He is currently one red slip away from suspension due to participating in 'rough play'. He is on the school SN register as he is very behind. He is extremely bright but does not 'want' to learn as it's 'boring'. This is why we are getting him assessed. Don't think I can speed it up as the GP said they are very busy but it should be withing the next few weeks.

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BuntyPenfold · 12/05/2011 09:31

Some people who only know tractable children underestimate the power of a child.
He is not just a helpless child, he is a powerful influence in the family, and some children use their power.
Don't feel guilty that he pushed you until you broke. You are only human too. You need help with him, so a crisis can be a good thing, in that it jump starts you all to a source of support.


squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 09:32

Why on earth should the op apologise?


ellifino · 12/05/2011 09:36

Umm... for pinching the end of someone's nose until it turns bruised and purple?



AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 09:36

Punishment for this 'crime' would have been fishing it out of the toilet and putting it in a plastic bag and in the bin. He refused to get a bag and started having a tantrum stamping his feet saying we never believe him, that is what made me see red as I knew without a doubt it was him and he later confessed. In the end I fished it out.

No I did not apologise, he was not aware of it as he hardly flinched when I did it and if I had drawn attention to it, he would have milked it.

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Animation · 12/05/2011 09:36

Squeakytoy - If you assault your kid in the face - then it's best to apologise wouldn't you think. And don't you think that would help the relationship?


ellifino · 12/05/2011 09:37

Look OP - I am not about to heap scorn upon you. Not because you don't deserve it, but because it isn't going to help you now.

You need a plan, and it needs to be a good one.

What do YOU think will help you and your family to get back on an even keel?

What do YOU think will work?


squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 09:39

If my kid was constantly lying, and behaving so badly, he would get more than a pinched nose, believe me. He would be nursing a stinging backside too.

I dont believe in allowing children to rule the roost.


cannydoit · 12/05/2011 09:41

i agree with bunty here, its all very well having people on here saying you went to far and you should apologise etc but the fact is if you dont live with the pressure and circumstances everyday. you dont understand the feelings of helplessness etc it can bring.
almost do think you might need to be pushy mum though as they seem to be giving you the gp brush off. i was quite lucky with dd as her condition was v obvious she was diagnosed at 2 and a half and got help and statement all pretty easily. behavioural problems are a bit of a gray area but if you dont push they will take their sweet time about it all the while things will just get worse for your, you might have to be prepared to be a bit of a bitch.


AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 09:42

I did not pinch his nose. I put it between my index and middle finger with my fingers pointing down so more of a squeeze.

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cannydoit · 12/05/2011 09:43

amen squeaky


AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 09:43

It's like blood was pushed down to the tip of his nose under the skin so it had collected in the tip.

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yoshiLunk · 12/05/2011 09:43

I can understand OP it wasn't the paper it was the convincing sounding lying that angered you.

I agree completely with Bunty, you need to be open to support.

I'm not about to give advice here about Prozac or ADs but personally speaking ADs didn't work for me, a trip to Holland & Barrett did though (hand in hand with other support I should add)

Good Luck Smile


BuntyPenfold · 12/05/2011 09:44

I am assuming it was not about the piece of paper as such, but about being constantly goaded by the child.
I know a parent who says 'XXXXX has spent the last 10 years trying to goad me into hitting him.' This parent never has hurt this child, but I think many people would have broken by now.
Animation asks a good question, 'what do you think will work?'

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