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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bruised Ds this morning - worried school will notice!

116 replies

AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 08:53

DS is 10 and we have had lots of behavioural problems at school and home over the years and we (DH and I) have tried many different ways of dealing with him but nothing gets through. We are waiting for an assessment through our GP.

Currently he lies, answers back, calls us names, fights with his brother, cannot do anything he's told, has meltdowns about the slightest thing etc.

This morning I went into the loo after him and found an A4 piece of paper scrunched up in the loo, that he had tried to flush. It was blank. I asked why did it and he swore blind it was not him. He lies so convincingly, it's scary. The lies actually anger me more than the actual act and he will quite happily let his siblings take the blame. Cue me grabbing the end of his nose saying it will grow like Pinocchios, probably a bit too hard. A few minutes later I see that the tip of his nose has turned purple and now I feel so shit and worried that he will tell his teachers that I did it and then they will inform SS etc. He has before said that he will tell his teacher we are horrible to him when he has been told off. He later said 'Oh OK, it was me' but could not say why he did it.

I am so sick of it, every night I vow that I will be calm with him and will not let him wind me up. Really feel like running away and never coming back Sad.

OP posts:
Animation · 12/05/2011 10:21

I'm NOT saying it's easy.

susall · 12/05/2011 10:24

A smack for something that would lead them into harm is just about acceptable but the OP was annoyed at her child lying about a soggy piece of paper so she hurt him! Im sure if she had done it to me then it would be classed as assault but as its her child its ok Confused.
If my child was that bad then I sure as hell would be relentlesly pushing every single professional I possibly could for help not waiting until I snapped.
Sorry but you are in the wrong place if you want sympathy for hurting your child, I am amazed people think you have done the right thing here.

Original poster
AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 10:29

fedupandfifty you made me well up. I have no confidence in my parenting abilities at all even though my other 2 DCs do not have the same problems as DS. This is probably BECAUSE of DS as I have no idea why he is like he is and he's been like it since he was about 18 months old. I do blame myself all the time. It's a vicious circle because he also picks up on my 'weakness', that's why he is so arrogant.

OP posts:
cannydoit · 12/05/2011 10:30

susall some of us are just trying to offer support and empathy to a mum who is obviously at the end of her rope without judgement, some people are less able to offer that for what ever reason.

Original poster
AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 10:32

susall - go away - you have no idea what you are talking about. Always makes me Hmm when comparisons are made between children and adults in behavior issues. I doubt you would try to flush paper down the toilet then lie about it, stamp your feet and have a tantrum either Hmm.

OP posts:
JimmyChooChoo · 12/05/2011 10:35

OP I'm sure you didn't mean it.Don't be hard on yourself.
Please see your GP about your childs behaivour.
Also totally against hurting ANYBODY but a little tap on the hand never did me any harm.

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/05/2011 10:38

Animation, sorry but with some children it doesn't matter what you do they will still lie.

An example. I saw DS1 had drawn on my wall he had drawn a picture and written his name. I asked him why he had done it he replied "It wasn't me it was DS2" Now you may think this is a reasonable explanation HOWEVER at the time DS2 was 16m old and was far from able to write anything.

There are many instances where he has lied including last night at parents eevening when he avoided a teacher, I made a point of going to this teacher with him and laughed while saying "come on tell me the worst then lets get to the good bits" the teacher was genuinely confused when DS1 said he had been bad in his class. He hasn't been bad at all and the only thing he is doing "wrong" is not joining in group discussions. Yet he felt the need to lie.

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/05/2011 10:40

Susall I pushed for years for help, it wasn't until DS1 got caught up in a group of children throwing stones that I actually got the help I needed and finally the diagnosis. It took me 8 years to get the help I had been asking for.

CookieRookie · 12/05/2011 10:42

I'm with animation regarding apologising. I can understand you are at the end of your tether and you didn't mean to do it but that doesn't make it ok. When you have done something that's not ok you apologise. Teach by example. I have hit my dd in a moment I thought would be my last because I couldn't take another minute of my fucked up situation, hurt, guilt, failure, frustration, the list goes on but I apologised afterwards.

If he does the same thing to a classmate because they have angered him you surely won't be telling him it's ok to do it when that happens and there's no need to apologise? He will learn as much from your example as your words.

Sit down, have a chat, tomorrows another day and hopefully you will get some help from the doctors for both of you. good luck.

MarioandLuigi · 12/05/2011 10:43

Try and self refer to Cahms, or speak to the school and get a referal to an Ed Psych.

Dont beat yourself up. I dont think you have 'anger issues', I think you have been pushed to the edge and you snapped.

BuntyPenfold · 12/05/2011 10:43

I know some people who waited 8 years for help too. They were only listened to when they told SS that they could not keep the child safe any longer.

I do think you have to push hard for help - as hard as the child pushes you, and as often.

midori1999 · 12/05/2011 10:48

I am shocked that anyone would defend the kind of behaviour ther OP has inflicted upon her DC tbh, whether it was in anger/at the end of her tether or not. She may have seemed remorseful in her OP, but her further possts clearly show she is not remorseful at all, merely worried she will be 'caught out' for her behaviour.

OP you have admitted your child probably has SN and is on the SN register at school. My DS2 has probable SN, we have just got a referral for him, he is also 10. He wouldn't consider being rude to me or calling me names, but he does tend to lie about things and his behaviour can be particularly frustrating at times. I am not perfect, I have lost my tempter in the past and I have shouted at him, which I am completely ashamed of because I am the parent and I should be the one in control. I would never defend my behaviour (the shouting) by suggesting my DS's behaviour was to blame though and if I ever lost it to the point of physically hurting him (and that is what you have done to your DS) I would seek help from SS myself immediately, not worry about someone reporting me.

I think it would be a good idea for you to speak to the school/GP/SS about this incident yourself and then maybe you can get the help you need, rather than trying to defend your behaviour.

susall · 12/05/2011 10:48

I understand how hard it is to have kids push your buttons but it is unfair to retaliate and hurt your child. If you dont like negative comments dont post in AIBU as not everyone will view what you have done as being right and if you dont like my view then fine but remember where you posted.
TheLadyEvenStar I am sorry it took you so long to get help, I truly am, but you did not retaliate when your child pushed your buttons did you? That is what I am finding hard to understand here.

tootiredtomakeupagoodname · 12/05/2011 10:49

My goodness it must be great to be perfect! Can those attacking the OP for this honestly say that they do not have a breaking point, that they have never been at the end of their tether with their child, partner, a work colleague, another road user, someone in a call center? If so I take my hat off to you. H have two DS's under 3 and I am grateful that I have never had to respond to them in such a way but I would not like to have to walk a mile in OP's shoes. I hope you both get the support you need and if SS do get involved, they are there to help they may even be able to speed things up for you.

MarioandLuigi · 12/05/2011 10:52

For goodness sake. I am very anti smacking, but the OP didnt take a belt to her son or beat the shit out of him, she tweaked his nose.

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 10:52

so midori your situation is different then as your son has some behavioural problems but they are not as sever as almosts.

BuntyPenfold · 12/05/2011 10:56

marioandluigi agree, it wasn't a terrible assault, it was an exasperated moment. Probably only his pride was hurt.

fedupandfifty · 12/05/2011 10:57

almost - you are not weak - you are the end of your tether. OK - you have smacked, and you regret it. Please don't let other posters make you feel worse because it's something they wouldn't do - you are facing some really challenging behavior from your son and need somehow to stamp your authority on the relationship. Personally, I think explanations and example setting are not going to be enough; I think you need to be a tougher parent and you should use any means you think appropriate to control your son. Remember you are the adult here, and you haven't had any problems with your other C's, so you ARE a competent parent!

Most parents have lost it with their DCs under far less challenging circumstances than yours, so please don't be too hard on yourself.

fedupandfifty · 12/05/2011 10:59

Sorry - didn't read post properly! just making my way back to the naughty step....

mrsjaja · 12/05/2011 11:01

OP - i understand totally about your breaking point.

Having trouble with 9 yr old DD. Arrogant, aggression,back chat, screams of "dont hurt me " (when i am nowhere near her), loads of comments of "you cant make me" etc. So am i abusive because my response to that is "oh yes i can" and i then proceed to undress/dress her whilst she is battling against me.

I dont smack often, but i have done. I am more inclined to shout. But even that is wrong. I know this.

What im trying to say is that some of us do know where you are coming from, and do know that you feel awful about it, but also understand why you wont/cant apologise. I do say sorry to my DD when i feel i have shouted a bit too much, but always follow up with why i was doing it, and try to resolve things with her in a calm manner.

Bet when he comes home he wont even mention it.

Do something nice for yourself today, and start afresh after school. Its all you can do.

Good luck.

SparklyCloud · 12/05/2011 11:04

Some posters on here are pissing me right off...until you have walked a mile and all that.
So, get off your bloody high horses and stop making her feel worse.

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 11:05

amen sparkly

BuntyPenfold · 12/05/2011 11:05

I don't think it is damaging to convey to a child the important message that:

you have a temper too.

you have a limit on what you can take.

doing exactly as you like to annoy other people will have unpleasant consequences.

ImeldaM · 12/05/2011 11:09

OP, I do not agree that you have 'assaulted' your son, you 'tweaked' his nose, a bit too hard but those who are claiming assault are OTT, IMO.

Also if you had done that to a stranger/grown up (as susall claimed), then it might be classed as assault but not to close family/friends unless you had a very hands off relationship. I can definately imagine doing that to DP and can imagine my DSis doing that to me without a huge fuss.

Yes, you need some help, especially as you feel that you 'want to run away' and that you're relationship with DS is such that you can't say 'sorry I nipped your nose a bit roughly this morning, I was really angry'

Don't know what to advise, sorry, but wanted to disagree with those saying you assaulted your son.

midori1999 · 12/05/2011 11:12

cannydoit, it's really not that simple, is it? For a start, if behavioural problems are due to SN (and my DS3 has Downs Syndrome, so I would suspect his problems are far greater than the OP's childs, but I mentioned DS2 as I felt the situation was most likely to be similar) then the parent has to take that into account when parenting and disciplining them.

That said, you can't really compare one SN or set of behavioural problems with another is what I am saying, it's not really something that is quantifiable. However, in all cases, the parent is the parents and obviously everyone is human, everyone loses control at times, but we don't say that to defend an adult who has lost their temper and physicallly hurt someone, their behaviour is seen as criminal, yet it's OK to lose your temper and physically hurt a child?

Plus, as I said, the OP was/is not remorseful in any way for what she has done, just worried she'll be found out.

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