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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bruised Ds this morning - worried school will notice!

116 replies

AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 08:53

DS is 10 and we have had lots of behavioural problems at school and home over the years and we (DH and I) have tried many different ways of dealing with him but nothing gets through. We are waiting for an assessment through our GP.

Currently he lies, answers back, calls us names, fights with his brother, cannot do anything he's told, has meltdowns about the slightest thing etc.

This morning I went into the loo after him and found an A4 piece of paper scrunched up in the loo, that he had tried to flush. It was blank. I asked why did it and he swore blind it was not him. He lies so convincingly, it's scary. The lies actually anger me more than the actual act and he will quite happily let his siblings take the blame. Cue me grabbing the end of his nose saying it will grow like Pinocchios, probably a bit too hard. A few minutes later I see that the tip of his nose has turned purple and now I feel so shit and worried that he will tell his teachers that I did it and then they will inform SS etc. He has before said that he will tell his teacher we are horrible to him when he has been told off. He later said 'Oh OK, it was me' but could not say why he did it.

I am so sick of it, every night I vow that I will be calm with him and will not let him wind me up. Really feel like running away and never coming back Sad.

OP posts:
Animation · 12/05/2011 09:46

Even if he didn't flinch you still assaulted him in the face. I understand you saw red and everthing - but in the end you were in the wrong for reacting violently. An apology and explanation is a good thing.

It moves things on - because inside he may harbour some resentment about it.

yoshiLunk · 12/05/2011 09:46

Oh and I agree with squeaky too

Grin
itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 12/05/2011 09:47

dont appolgise its over, rehashing will serve no purpose.

I doubt very much the school would report this and if the did the chances of ss following this up imediatly are slim. However if they did you may get some of the parenting help you need.

dont beat your self up either, you know it was ott, so now you need to move on from it with a little bit of perspective and battle on for the suppot you need. Go to Gp or school and push untill untill you get help.

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 09:50

Animation, he may think twice before he does it again, whether he harbours resentment or not.

Naughty children who never get punished assume they can continue to keep going and will do so, confident and arrogant that they have their parent wrapped around their little finger. Children who know that if they are naughty they will get a punishment they do not like tend to avoid repeating bad behaviour so that they dont get punished.

SparklyCloud · 12/05/2011 09:51

I understand how you can react without thinking when your kid pushes, and pushes and pushes. I also understand about the lies pissing you off more than the act. It adds insult to injury, and whereas the act itself is not necessarily personal to you, or a reflection of respect(or lack of it), the lie IS.
Squeaky you speak sense.

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 09:54

hey animation any chance you could ease up on the terms like assault they are inflammatory and upsetting and as you can see almost is already pretty upset. your opinion is your opinion and that is fine but lets try and offer constructive help rather than judgement in this case. Smile

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/05/2011 09:54

I have to say that having dealt with a child similar to the OP's DS I know how easy it is to feel angered at the lying etc.
I dealt with this daily from DS1 as many of you know. I was known on occasion to grab his arm when he was in a rage. Once he was throwing himself around in such rage and I threw my hand in front of him as his head was heading for the door frame - the result was a ring I had on cut his eyelid. I felt awful but the alternative would have been his head hitting the door frame which would have caused more damage. I told the school what had happened, nothing was done.

Now this is slightly different as I was trying to protect him from himself.

OP, I do understand how hard it is with no apparent reason for the behaviour your son is displaying he sounds very like my DS, now 12, who in February was finally diagnosed with Aspergers after years of me being told he was just being naughty. I can only say keep pushing for that assessment hopefully then you will get some answers.

I am still learning how to deal with DS1 in a different manner, yes it is hard and very frustrating at times because all the shouting, taking away etc has no affect on him. So I am looking for something different.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, nobody who hasn't walked a mile in your shoes will understand the stress and sheer exhaustion you are feeling but there are plenty who will understand. But in future just walk away easier said than done I know but it is a must, go and make yourself a Brew have a Biscuit and forget about it. It may be that like my DS yours really doesn't understand why he has done it, or maybe he does and just can't put it into words.

Those who said "He will lie if it isn't safe to tell the truth" well thats not always the case. I know my son is not in any danger and has had in instilled in him that lying will get him in more trouble than telling the truth - yet he continues to lie about things which if he just told the truth would be menial issues but the lies mean they become bigger issues.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 12/05/2011 09:55

Op I have two with ASD and I struggle, the constant mind games and having to stay one step ahead make my life a living hell at times.

It gets me down but I cannot lose control, I am their parent at the end of the day.

What you did to your son was assault, and the fact you're so concerned tells me you hurt him and you know it. Yes I know you were pushed but that comes with the territory.

I do know how it feels, when my 12 year old had a public meltdown recently (which had people coming out of their houses) Truth be told I wanted to drag her home by her head, I didn't of course, I dealt with the situation and when she calmed down we discussed what had triggered the meltown (i'd said no to a chocolate bar) we discussed appropriate ways to behave in public and there were of course consequences to her actions

You need to get this sorted, and maybe look at the way you're responding to his behaviour, arguing when things are already fraught is pointless. Plus, lets face it if you'd done this to an adult you could be facing the police landing on your doorstep

Animation · 12/05/2011 09:57

Sqeakytoy - The OP admitted herself that what she did wasn't too clever and that she acted out in anger.

Basically it's not good to hit kids - particularly their faces - it's not a legitimate punishment.

If you have to resort to that, at least express some regret to the kid - it gets things on a better footing and may well help to modify the behaviour.

Original poster
AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 10:00

Animation - I did NOT hit him. Read my previous posts for fucks sake.

OP posts:
Animation · 12/05/2011 10:02

Cannydoit - I'm aware you're OK on corporal punishment, I remember your posts. I call a grab to the nose an assault. That's what it is.

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/05/2011 10:03

Animation you are going OTT tbh.
It is easy to see things so black and white but there are grey areas in everything!

SparklyCloud · 12/05/2011 10:04

Animation, out of interest, how would you deal with an out of control child pushing you to breaking point, would you never just snap, ever?

Animation · 12/05/2011 10:05

Almost - yes, I know you didn't "hit" him - I'm talking in general terms - that I'm against hitting, smacking or pinching kids.

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 10:06

i know animation and i remember too but that was on a thread about general things this is about specifics about some ones life so you know a bit of empathy for another mothers plight or something, this thread isnt about the ins and outs of slapping but almosts problem.

Original poster
AlmostAtBreakingPoint · 12/05/2011 10:07

Am leaving this thread now as I should have gone swimming at 9am but was not going to go as I felt so crap about this. Well I am going now as I refuse to beat myself up about it any more. If SS did become involved maybe it would be a help anyway! Thanks to those who offered constructive advice. I am trying to ignore, ignore, ignore but it is rather difficult when the whole morning was a continuous battle to get him p and dressed/washed, eat breakfast and out of the door on time. This was just one small incident after many this morning.

Apocalypse - well done you for never reacting in anger to continual provocation. Bet your halo is gleaming.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 10:09

Animation, I was smacked by my mother. Very very rarely, because I knew that if I was deliberately naughty, I would be smacked, so rather than get the smack, I didnt misbehave, or to be more precise, when I was given the warning "do that again, and you will have a smacked bottom/legs", I didnt do it again. Therefore there was no need for my mother to smack me. It is simple, but effective. My stepchildren were raised the same way by my husband and their mother, and my grandchildren are being raised that way too. First a warning, and if behaviour carries on, then a smacked bottom or legs.

The op didnt punch her boy in the face, she tweaked his nose for lying. Fair punishment in my view, and if it means he is less likely to blatently lie in the future, then it has done the job.

It is neither illegal or assault to reasonably punish your own child and to have a child know what the consequences will be IF they continue to misbehave. I dont agree with hitting a child for no reason, or without warning that their behaviour is wrong, but I have absolutely no qualms about smacking a child who continues to be disobedient and fully understands that they should not be doing what they are doing.

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 10:09

good for you almost have a good morning and a wicked day.

Animation · 12/05/2011 10:10

SparkyCloud - If I snapped like the OP did (and I can understand why she did) - I'd go back to him later on and say 'sorry I pinched your nose'. I'd have a chat about the incident and try set some boundaries again ... and then give him a hug.

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/05/2011 10:10

I slapped DS2's legs last night as I caught him climbing on the kitchen worktop and playing with a knife.

Now you may think thats OTT but you see he has witnessed his older brother "playing" with knives, carving my furniture and walls. Now I have explained to DS2 it is not only very dangerous but wrong so when I caught him last night he got a slap on the back of the legs. He didn't cry or even flinch so it couldn't have hurt but he did almost immediatly apologise for being naughty.

TheLadyEvenstar · 12/05/2011 10:15

Animation Boundaries are all very well and good but tbh they do not work with some children!

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 10:18

i am with animation here lady boundaries are key kids thrive with them.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 12/05/2011 10:19

No breaking point, my halo isn't gleaming..... but i've never spent the day worrying because i've sent my child into school with a bruised face either.

Much as I sympathise, what you did was wrong.

HTH

fedupandfifty · 12/05/2011 10:20

Sounds like things are tough enough for you without hassles from the school. You shouldn't be feeling that you are to blame for this. Frankly, and perhaps I'm being a bit naive here, an injury which happened outside of the school is nothing to do with the school, and a simple explanation should suffice, given that your DC's behavioural issues are well-documented.

You sound to me as if you are running scared - of your DS, of the school, and of SS. You need to toughen up somehow and gain more confidence in your own parenting, so that's it's YOU running the show, as you should be.

Animation · 12/05/2011 10:21

TheLadyEvenstar. Yes I'm saying it's easy, - but my contribution here is that I think it's good to say 'sorry' if you've gotten angry and physical. It might even help with the lying.