Bruised Ds this morning - worried school will notice!

[AlmostAtBreakingPoint]

DS is 10 and we have had lots of behavioural problems at school and home over the years and we (DH and I) have tried many different ways of dealing with him but nothing gets through. We are waiting for an assessment through our GP.

Currently he lies, answers back, calls us names, fights with his brother, cannot do anything he's told, has meltdowns about the slightest thing etc.

This morning I went into the loo after him and found an A4 piece of paper scrunched up in the loo, that he had tried to flush. It was blank. I asked why did it and he swore blind it was not him. He lies so convincingly, it's scary. The lies actually anger me more than the actual act and he will quite happily let his siblings take the blame. Cue me grabbing the end of his nose saying it will grow like Pinocchios, probably a bit too hard. A few minutes later I see that the tip of his nose has turned purple and now I feel so shit and worried that he will tell his teachers that I did it and then they will inform SS etc. He has before said that he will tell his teacher we are horrible to him when he has been told off. He later said 'Oh OK, it was me' but could not say why he did it.

I am so sick of it, every night I vow that I will be calm with him and will not let him wind me up. Really feel like running away and never coming back .

You never know he might realise just how far he's pushed you and stop lying now, fingers crossed I wouldn't apolgise personally. He was in the wrong in the first place if you go all sappy now the kid won't now if he's coming or going.

Midori-The OP is remorseful.She did feel bad.She said she felt 'like shit' after she did it.
A horrible nasty parent wouldn't feel anything.Nor would they write on a parenting website like the OP has.

Would it be inappropriate to giggle a bit?

Imagined conversation:
Teacher: are you ok today, I thought you seemed a bit upset?
OP's DS: no I'm not ok.My mum squeezed my nose this morning.
:)

I don't think you are going to end up in jail, I really don't.

OP please ignore the idiots ranting about assault and making out you are a shit mother- they probably give their kids the slipper in reality! I can never grasp the amount of sanctamonious idiots who pipe up on this subject, I dont think they reflect real life at all, just trying to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings. The OP feels bad ergo thinks what she did was wrong- where did she ever say she was right?

I might have said she was right :) - not right to hurt him (a tiny little bit) but right to convey the fact that she is seriously fed up with him and that his behaviour will have unpleasant consequences.

Because our behaviour does have consequences in life.

My primary concern is that you are at breaking point.
Go to the gp again. Go every week if you have to.
Contact cahms

Talk to your son about behaviour and consequence.

I am not stupid. I know how fucking hard it is dealing with a child with sn.
But losing it is never going to help. That is not about blame - that is about making sure it does not happen again..
IMHO modelling " I am really frustrated therefore I can grab/hit/hurt you" is a dangerous thing when dealing with sn.

I deal with ds2s frustrating behaviours with consequences . One he will do everything he can to avoid.

I know how easy it is to lose it. But it doesn't help, you should get whatever help you can.

Fwiw I would be having a conversation regretting the whole incident along the lines of
" this morning was upsetting for both of us. You should not keep lying to me but I really do not want to put my hands on you. I will be making house rules that mean that if you lie then x happens. I don't want to be angry with you anymore"

I would apologise to actually. But that is me.

That may be me.
I am assuming sn because of ongoing problems, investigations re behavioural problems and because frankly paper down the toilet is odd.

Must be so very frustrating for you. You really do need to shout very loudly at the professionals and get help with ds. Agree ring CAHMS. Ignore those who are putting you down they have no idea of your personal situation unless they live in your house. We're all different, some may be ultra patient and cope with SN dcs without losing their temper but not many can without any support.

Sparkly cloud would you please re-read my original post before you fall off your high horse! I was empathising with OP as I can imagine her situation but have not been in it, I was defending OP not giving her a hard time!

Ok I am going to make an admission here and am prepared to be totally flamed by others.

Sunday DS1 went into a meltdown because I had put my foot down about spending yet more money on yet another activity he had decided he wanted to do. Now before anyone says this is unfair so far in the last year I have spent the best part of £300 on different activities with him giving them up after a few weeks. I was then called an idiot and when I said I am may be an idiot but I am still your mother. I ended up with him punching me full on in the face. Here is where I am prepared to be flamed as I immediatly smacked him and yes it was just as hard as he had punched me.

Was I wrong? well imho no I wasn't it is not the first time he has gone to hit me but previously I have stopped him in his tracks by telling him if he did I would do it back. This time there was no time for warning him and he carried through. So yes I really do know how hard it can be and I sympathise with the OP because her DS's behaviour is the same as my DS's was and still is. Am I proud of hitting back? No. Did I feel bad after? yes very and still do. Was it planned on my part? No but he had had previous warnings. Am I likely to be flamed? yes.

I am not going to flame you.

Would I do the same? No

But saying that I would not behave the same, that I don't agree with your doing it, is not a flaming.

We all handle situations differently. We all have different things to cope with. Surely that is partly why we talk about these things on here?

I try, I hope, to respect other peoples situations and empathise with how they mange their stesses in life. But I won't, I can't say, yeah-fine because I don't think it is.
I don't think that is flaming.

Pag, I feel terrible about it because I don't think it was right for me to act this way towards him. I did apologise - not immediatly but when he came back to me 25 minutes later and for the first time in over a year hugged me. I then went in my room and I shut the door where I sobbed. I have never before acted this way and am sure I won't again.

Agree with wise Pagwatch. An apology for hurting his nose is not weak or backing down as some on this thread has said (paraphrasing obv) merely an acknowledgement that you have lost control. It's about engendering more respect for one another, not losing his respect all together.

Having your nose pinched really hurts (DS is in a nose pinching phase) never mind pinching it until it is bruised.
You need some space away from this child to sort your own head out before you can help him to sort his.

Oh, you poor thing.

The stresses, the frustration we deal with is intolerable isn't it?

It would be easier if we didn't love our children so much, fell so frightened for them and just ache for them to understand.

Nothing makes me feel as helpless and hopeless and sad.

Have a good cry. It's allowed. As is chocolate and gin

tootiredtomakeupaname, I may be wrong but think it is unlikely that Sparkly was referring to your post, I think it was to the other unsupportive ones

Pag, you are right. For all the moaning I did on here before the dx I still love him so very much and put so much effort into him - sometimes I think too much at the expense of DS2. I wass hurt emotionally more than physically when he punched me. I am so fearful that he will do it to someone out of the home and end up seriously hurt. I as you state just aching for him to understand.

Dealing with him as an AS child is a learning process for me as for years he was labelled by dr's and child psychologists as "naughty"

meaning a whole different set of rules for him and now I have to find the new rules.

OP, if you feel remorse, why NOT let your DS know i.e. apologise? I agree with those who think apologising shows strength, not weakness, and teaches an important lesson by example.
Also, I think sometimes we assume too much of our children. We think they know, understand, that we love them, that we care, that we feel sorry. But sometimes, especially if things have been fraught, we need to tell them! Just to reassure.
TLE, that sounds like a really tough place you're in. Am glad you are finally getting some help thanks to the dx, but please don't think that now that others are involved and all, things will magically be alright. That would create unrealistic pressure. As you said, it's a learning process, don't beat yourself up over not being perfect.

Lady I think the "rule" you've taught him is "if you hit someone, you're likely to get hit back". Not a bad rule to learn IMO. And, much as I am not an advocate of hitting, it does sound like you may have got through to him emotionally. Maybe on this occasion it was the right thing for that particular situation and your particular DS.

Sorry, haven't read whole of thread.

How old is his brother? Could he possibly have done this to put the blame on 'pinocchio'?

Oh for fucks sake - don't bother posting if you can't read. I tweaked, not pinched, his nose - in the manner of someone pretending to pull a nose off - between index and middle finger, fingers pointing down for about 1 second, probably pulled it a bit too hard.

He is not 'SN' as such, he understands bloody everything, which is part of his problem but is behind at school. He is quite capable.