Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to dh working away

116 replies

kbaby · 11/05/2011 19:33

Dh has come home from work today and said they asked him to go away and work for 6 months. It would mean leaving early Monday morning and comings back Thursday late. He would then be home Friday to Sundays. We have 2 dc one 4 one 7. AT the moment I work every day and then on a Sunday we go to my mums for dinner for her to see the dc. The job is not a promotion or extra salary.
At the moment my reaction was no hes not to do it. I don't see the point. I've said if the kids are ill in the week its me who would have to deal with it and then also go to work the next day. They wouldn't get to see the rest of the family on the weekend because he wants to be with them all weekend. Which means I also wouldn't get to see my parents either.

He said I'm just finding silly obstacles to which I've said he is the one who is being unreasonable.
Can anyone give me some advice, am I just being difficult for the sake of it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/05/2011 19:35

you are the one being unreasonable

come on,whats the REAL reason behind this??

bupcakesandcunting · 11/05/2011 19:37

It's his job. Current climate and all that. YABU, possibly. I wouldn't like it either though.

Takeresponsibility · 11/05/2011 19:37

Why does he want to go? Will it increase his job security, enhance his promotion prospects, be more interesting? He will be away 4 days and then home three rather than home five nights when he is knackered and then two days off, one of which he gets no choice about what he does.

Please post HIS side of the story so we can consider who is being unreasonable.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 11/05/2011 19:38

I can totally understand your reaction I felt the same when my exp wanted to go away and work. Actually it wasn't that bad and he didn't have as much time at home and it was a permenant arangement.
6 months isn't that long a time in the big scheme of things and it will pass fast. I won't say that it is easy all the time but actually it's really not as difficult as you think it is going to be.

I do think that some of the obstacles you are mentioning are just looking for things, yes he will want to see the dc but to go to your parents on a Sunday is only one day out of the time he is home and no reason why it can't continue. Also one thing I did find was that the time we did have together as a family was more quality time TBH rather than a few tired hours in the evening after work and a weekend trying to do all the mundane things you never did during the week.

icooksocks · 11/05/2011 19:43

YABU, I think Monday to Thursday isn't that bad of a prospect tbh.

Cartoonjane · 11/05/2011 19:44

My partner works away all of the time from Monday to Friday and I have to say I quite like it: I like my own space. He had a spell at home recently for the first time in nine years and I liked that more than I thought I would but when he first told me I was dreading it. I have only one child and work part-time so that makes life easier for me. Also you could end up feeling pretty trapped if you don't have family around who will babysit or if you can't afford babysitters. In the past we have been able to afford babysitters but now that has changed so I think I might find it a lot harder with DP being away. Another thing is that when one of you works away there is a lot more pressure on weekends- everything has to happen then for you as a family, you as a couple and for his relationships with kids. Add social/ other family things to that and it can be hard. Despite all these negatives though I do like it.

FollowMe · 11/05/2011 19:49

I think YABU, especially as your DH seems keen to go for it.
DHs work have obviously asked him for a reason ie he is needed to do the work away and it will not do his job prospects much good to say no for the sole reason that he/you doesnt fancy it!
It sounds like a reasonable thing to ask him anyway. Its fixed term, only 6 months, he will be away Mon, Tues, Wed nights but you get him home for a whole extra day on Friday to make up for it (even if you work on Fridays he will still be at home to do stuff needed and see the DCs before and after school) plus you still get every weekend together.

Laquitar · 11/05/2011 19:49

When i read the first line i thought he is going away for 6 months. Mon to thu is not too bad, unless as you said you have an ill child.

Can your parents see dcs midweek? Come on tuesday eve, spend a bit time with dcs, read them bed story, then when they are in bed the three of you enjoy a glass of wine and catch up?

Rooble · 11/05/2011 19:50

It depends what his job is and if he really has any choice. When I was a civil servant once you reached a certain (fairly junior) grade you were termed "mobile" and could be detached to another office according to business need. Managers tended to be reasonably considerate, but could put real pressure on you if you were ever reluctant to go on a detachment.
From your pov I would find it really difficult (my dh works away all week but I am a SAHM so eg if I am up all night we can have a quiet day the next day). But from your DH's pov it could be a very good opportunity to build on his CV which could be good for the whole family in the long term, even it doesn't offer promotion in the short term?
Also, it's only 6 months - would you not be able to see your mother once a fortnight for that length of time? Some of your arguments sound a little petulant tbh. Why don't you actually make a list of positives and negatives from both points of view rather than just stamping your heels? Then maybe you will "win" the argument but in a more reasoned way?
Hope this helps!

shinyshoes · 11/05/2011 19:52

YABU.

Let him go, he's home 2 nights a week and like another poster said it'll pass fats enough, and he'll be home properly in time for Christmas

Will it secure his job , with the current climate the way it is. Will it be good for promotion.

Your family can come see you instead can't they? or you can sopend one whole day with his/your family and sundays together.

I'm finding your excuses a bit lame to be honest and not enough to keep him behind, I'm not meaning to sound harsh, reading that sentence back sounds harsh.

Is he excited about going? Does he want to?

fivegomadindorset · 11/05/2011 19:54

YABU

northerngirl41 · 11/05/2011 19:54

What's the alternative? It's his job - he either has to do it or find a new one. I suppose you could rent in the new area but that leaves you with quitting your job and uprooting the kids all for a six month period.

Would he be working on the Friday or would he be able to use that time to catch up on family life/take the strain off you a bit? Would your mum come through to you during the week so that you get a bit of adult company and she can see the kids?

I have two kids and mine works away Tues-Thurs. I like it, it's lovely to see him at the end of the week and we have great support up here which I wouldn't have if we relocated to his work.

ilovesooty · 11/05/2011 19:58

YABU. In the current economic climate, people can't afford to be difficult at work.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 11/05/2011 19:58

Does he have much choice in the matter? I can see why you're not keen, but is it short term inconvenience for poss long term gain?

Plumm · 11/05/2011 20:03

YABU - DH works away Mon-Thurs and we cope very well without him (DDs aged 4 and newborn).

NerfHerder · 11/05/2011 20:08

Sorry- is he going to work 4 days for 5 days pay?
Or will Friday be spent at his usual place of work?

bluepaws · 11/05/2011 20:10

its six months, not six years

unreasonable

CurrySpice · 11/05/2011 20:13

I can understand why you would not look forward to him going, but I think it's a bit U to stop him

My DP has worked abroad for the last 2 years. At the moment 4 weeks on, 4 off. But he has done 10 weeks on, 2 off and it's really hard, but you will see him every weekend and it's only 6 months so let him go. Current climate and all that

shesparkles · 11/05/2011 20:13

I'd give my eye teeth for dh to work away!

As has been said already, in the current climate, I'd be doing what I'm asked workwise.

You mention about your family not seeing the children-can't they come to you?

shakey1500 · 11/05/2011 20:16

YABU

It's only four days, he'll be home for the weekends. And it's his job. Even if there is no extra pay, it'll still be a great thing to have on his CV.

My husband also used to work 4 days away, it was hard at first but within a few weeks I had a routine and the days sped by. I'm not saying it's easy but it could be a whole lot worse.

MumblingRagDoll · 11/05/2011 20:20

YABU. He is lucky to hav a job in this climate and you need to grow up a bit. Many men work away and some in dangerous circumstances and for a LOT longer than 4 or 5 days at a time.

My DH worked abroad for 6 months in order to earn enough for us to buy a house. It was FAR harder on him than on me.

You will cope plus iit does wonders for a relationship.

Takeresponsibility · 11/05/2011 20:21

I have to admit I am also a bit [hmmm] about one adult in a relationship telling the other what to do. Naturally you are both entitled to an opinion on the subject (or any subject) but to say "my reaction was: no, he's not to do it" is very controlling behaviour.

GnomeDePlume · 11/05/2011 20:23

I'm on the fence as have been expatriated, returned home and have now been made redundant. What will happen after the 6 months are up? Will there be a job for your DH? Or will he be stuck with one project after another?

While I was an expat there were an awful lot of weekly commuters. After some months many of these commuters found that they could not go on citing relationship reasons. Of those who carried on many were single or became single.

I think the concerns you are giving are unreasonable though. I would try the above out on him and see what he has to say.

MumblingRagDoll · 11/05/2011 20:27

Yes Takesresponsibility Imagine if the sexes were reversed here?

SJisontheway · 11/05/2011 20:29

YANBU. Unless his job is on the line. Shocked at all the people who think this fine. I know it works for some, but he has responsibilities at home.

Swipe left for the next trending thread