to say no to dh working away

[kbaby]

Dh has come home from work today and said they asked him to go away and work for 6 months. It would mean leaving early Monday morning and comings back Thursday late. He would then be home Friday to Sundays. We have 2 dc one 4 one 7. AT the moment I work every day and then on a Sunday we go to my mums for dinner for her to see the dc. The job is not a promotion or extra salary.
At the moment my reaction was no hes not to do it. I don't see the point. I've said if the kids are ill in the week its me who would have to deal with it and then also go to work the next day. They wouldn't get to see the rest of the family on the weekend because he wants to be with them all weekend. Which means I also wouldn't get to see my parents either.

He said I'm just finding silly obstacles to which I've said he is the one who is being unreasonable.
Can anyone give me some advice, am I just being difficult for the sake of it.

I'm interested as to what you'd all say if it was the mother working away, leaving a full time working father at home with the kids.

Why would that be different?

To my mind it wouldn't be - but I would be amazed if she got the same response.

"I'm interested as to what you'd all say if it was the mother working away, leaving a full time working father at home with the kids."

I deliberately used the word partner. It would raise exactly the same issues.

I just think a lot of people would be less positive about the situation - particularly as it's not strictly "necessary".

To me it does not matter if it is mum or dad working away. The point is that the partner left holding the fort at home should feel comfortable doing so, and should be able to handle the day to day running of the home with kids, homework, chores, shopping, etc.

I work full time and my dh is often away Mon - Fri (ie 4 nights away) - then back late Fri pm. At the moment he's working away one week and then from home the next. Its significantly better than having him unemployed at home.

At the moment work is some distance away - so I wake up every other monday at about 4am and can't get to sleep. There's no difference during the week about any disturbances because its always me that wakes and deals with it anyway.

So, my experience is that its not too bad - I can understand why you're concerned though.

Is there the potential for some negotiation for instance having a flat fee per night away paid as an extra - to cover any incidences eg babysitting that you would have been OK for if he had been around.

vajazzhands, unless the union came about through a shared appreciation of all things sado-masochistic, a tried and test route to single parenthood is to lay down the law to your dh/dp/oh.

What about laying down the law for your wife? Telling her she is now going to have sole charge of the children and she should just suck it up. He on the other hand is going to go indulge in being childless 4 days a week for no extra pay or reward for their family.. NO one else in the company is willing to do it so they send in the weak one who can't say no.

I think anyone who thinks society would have the same positive view of a mother who spent several nights a week away from her children, as of a father doing the same, is living in cloud cuckoo land.

I think anyone who thinks society would have the same positive view of a mother who spent several nights a week away from her children, as of a father doing the same, is living in cloud cuckoo land.

I'm a mother who has worked away for periods of time. feel free to judge.

When dd was a baby I worked away 4 days a week for 12 weeks at a time. I was a single parent.
DD is fine, she is a happy healthy well grounded 10/11 yr old. She doesn't remember at all.

In the last 5 years I have had to be away from home approx 2 nights a week on average, DP also works full time but would deal with any child related needs such as illness etc whilst I was away.
It made great financial sense, my job was very well renumerated, our lifestyle is very good because of the role I had. I also got to spend more quality time with DP and the children than I would if I had been doing the same job more locally.
I only worked 4 days a week so Fridays I did school pick ups/drop offs. Any shopping etc was done whilst kids at school. If the kids were off we had fun days and weekends we were all able to enjoy each other because all shopping etc was already done either online/when kids were at school.

It was tough, especially when the kids got old enough to miss me and know that I would be away.
It was tough on my dp as well, he did felt that I was away having a whale of a time while he was at home doing the drudgery.
The reality was that I was working 24/7 whilst away and missing him and the kids.

I now work locally but was very lucky to land a job with a large corporate on my doorstep. I work 5 days a week again but I am home every night.

I do find I have less quality time with the kids now as does dp but I don't want to be away during the week anymore.

I would say that if I hadn't taken the roles I did we would not be in the position we are now with lifestyle etc. I wouldn't have got the job I have now without those experiences.

In my opinion, you would be unreasonable to say no, it sounds like your partner would like to do it, also although it may not seem as though there is any benefit now, there certainly will be long term.
It is only 6 months, that will fly by and you will have three days every week where you can spend time together.

Things like shopping can be done online, he can do bits and pieces on Fridays. its not easy having a partner working away but it can also help enhance family life in many ways.

The thing is, not everyone who is in work has either a partner or children to worry about. It would not be at all reasonable for employers to be expected to pay staff extra for working away from home due to their particular domestic circumstances unless the extra payment was given to all staff who took on the extra work.

YANBU - You both need to decide what is best for you as a family. You are giving him a chance to explain why he would like to do it and that is appropriate. You are entitled to conclude that you think he should refuse especially as his job is not at risk if he does. He would be putting a huge onus of the childcare on you and that is not something you should take on lightly or feel pressured into.

I cannot understand why so many on here take it as read that the little lady should be at home with the kids while husband expands his career horizons.

I don't necessarily think your DH is being exploited but it sounds like he doesn't like to say no.

I don't like it when my DH works away because, as Nijinsky has said, my employer ends up subsidising DH's because I have to leave work early to collect DS from the childminder. And if DS were ill for a week, I would have to take time off, rather than sharing that 50/50 with DH.

But I would suck it up if we benefited as a family from it. If your DH really wants to do this he should ask for some recompense for being away from home.

And you are entitled to your view on this. It doesn't just affect your DH so he doesn't have the right to make the decision unilaterally. I wouldn't tell him he 'can't go' though.

I feel the opposite way to nijinsky. In that she questions whether a company should compensate for the extra burden.
When an employee presents themselves, for interview, its can you do the job, are you available the hours we want, to do what we want, where we want you to do it, when we want you to do it.
Is basically what they are asking.
And what your commitments are, outside of work, really aren't their concern. I mean yes they are, if they are a nice firm and care about looking after their staff. But in reality, not really.
Because realistically no company would ever hire anyone with children. a mum or a dad. or a dependant. I mean your don't want employees wife going into labour, having an op, or dying. becasue all that means to you is that employee is absent. what a pain. And never ever hire fertile young women.
Hang on a sec, who DOES that leave you left to hire ?

In some sense what employees get up to , their commitments , outside of work in none of the company's business.

Its an employers market at the moment. We are hiring accountancy staff. they are two a penny and we are getting 100's and 100's of applications. we are hiring contracts guys. loads of applicants. engineers, too.

so no employee has any right to be picky at all. lucky to have a job, is many people's view of it at the moment.

I think the suggestion of atleast asking for monetry compensation , by nijinsky, was a very sensible one. but on the other hand, don't many of you also have to attitude that in this current climate, you do what needs to be done, to keep your job ?

Agree with SGB. its the same old argument, why should married people with kids get xmas off. what about young singletons. why should they have to work the weekend shift. we all make our own choices.
Are you going to say to your employer, if you send my dh away, I will need extra money to pay for babysitter. why should employer care. or is employer going to give extra money to a singleton ? aswell. on the same basis, evn htough they incur no extra expense. because if they didn't, is that not discrimination ?

this one is complicated.