Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to dh working away

116 replies

kbaby · 11/05/2011 19:33

Dh has come home from work today and said they asked him to go away and work for 6 months. It would mean leaving early Monday morning and comings back Thursday late. He would then be home Friday to Sundays. We have 2 dc one 4 one 7. AT the moment I work every day and then on a Sunday we go to my mums for dinner for her to see the dc. The job is not a promotion or extra salary.
At the moment my reaction was no hes not to do it. I don't see the point. I've said if the kids are ill in the week its me who would have to deal with it and then also go to work the next day. They wouldn't get to see the rest of the family on the weekend because he wants to be with them all weekend. Which means I also wouldn't get to see my parents either.

He said I'm just finding silly obstacles to which I've said he is the one who is being unreasonable.
Can anyone give me some advice, am I just being difficult for the sake of it.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 11/05/2011 22:56

What are you main reasons for him being away? Are you a bit nervous to manage on your own for 4 days/week. Or feel you'll be too exhausted, lonely, scared on your own?

If it raises his profile within work, and it's only 6mths, it wouldn't bother me. He should ask for an uplift on top of his expenses/accommodation though, which compensates for being away. He shouldn't do it, if they're not offering that. Generally it's 10-15% in an easy location on top of salary.

Only ytou know what you're comfortabel with, but you need to tell him the real reasons you don't want him to go. Ill children, going to work, and not seeing your family on the weekend... must be more that you're worried about than that.

MollieO · 11/05/2011 22:58

If he has been asked to do it and doesn't, that will be at the forefront of his boss's mind when the next more interesting opportunity arises. I would want to encourage those staff who do put themselves out rather than the plodders. If your dh and you are happy with that then he shouldn't take the work.

igggi · 11/05/2011 22:59

He would need a very good reason to do this. Can't see why you would jeopardise your relationship with partner and family just to "raise your profile at work". Neither DH nor I would consider that at all. (so, yanbu)

HerRoyalNotness · 11/05/2011 23:02

It depends on the industry, some it's part of the job, and hardly needs to jeopardise their relationship! He'll be home for 3 days out of 7! Most blokes I know in our industry are 3mths away/2weeks home.

scaryteacher · 11/05/2011 23:03

YABU, and he'd be coming back on a Thursday night, not a Friday as my dh used to do. 6 months is no time at all.

I worked full time teaching with no family support and a young ds whilst dh weekended for 4 years on the trot. If it raises his profile at work and he shows willing, then that will be remembered as Mollie says. You don't know what is around the corner redundancy wise, so take the opportunities offered.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 11/05/2011 23:11

Profile can be very important in some places, he may mot want/be ready for promotion now but in 6-12 mths he might especially with doing this. Have you asked him why he wants to do it?

nijinsky · 11/05/2011 23:18

If his job isn't at risk of redundancy if he doesn't do it and he isn't interested in promotion, or getting a good bonus to do it, then why is he so keen to do it?

When working away from home, the employer is also making inroads into your personal time, in that you stay somewhere, usually a hotel, where otherwise you wouldn't be. Your whole life then revolves around work, from the moment to wake up to the moment you go to sleep. If I were him, I'd ask for a bonus to do it, particularly if its a special project.

Its also making inroads into your employment, in that you will be more exhausted from looking after the family on your own.

So in a way you would be subsidising his employers. Thats how I see it anyway.

igggi · 11/05/2011 23:20

I've seen threads where someone was told they were wrong to deny their DH the chance to kiss their children goodbye every morning - and then there are threads like this where being apart from eachother for half the week is seen as fine.
I think there are many families who would never expect to be apart, and others whose job-types mean this is an expectation. I do think there would be different responses if it was the mother being away so often.

magicmelons · 11/05/2011 23:34

Yanbu, I'm really surprised that people say otherwise. For no more money or security. Dh is away for work alot and I hate it and my best friends dh has recently started working Way under similar circumstances and I know that she is beginning to resent him massively. On top of that he has this new life that she is not part of in any way. He socialise's after work with his new colleagues whilst she I'd home putting the kids to bed.

If the op was a man writing about his wife I bet the outcome would be different.

GnomeDePlume · 11/05/2011 23:34

Nijinsky makes good and sensible points.

Oblomov · 11/05/2011 23:37

Have another think about this. You can turn this round inot a positive ratehr than a negative. when you think about it, as others have said 6 months is a really short time. It would be over by Christmas. Plus 6 months ago, I can't even remember what I was doing. 6 months flies, doesn't it. I'm sure this period would too.
And you might not think that his managers will remember that he did this, but they might. especially if he says that, (roughly) his wife, be difficult, but he's prepared to... thta could make him sound even better.

magicmelons · 11/05/2011 23:41

Fwiw my mum is the chief exec of a co and has been working constantly, mostly overseas travel forever. She has missed out on a lot, her board said jump and she said how high, she was made redundant last week.

If his wife isn't happy that he is going and seeing it as a forward step then he shouldn't be considering it.

Original poster
kbaby · 11/05/2011 23:43

I asked him tonight what is his reason for doing it, he couldn't really give an answer and just said he would like to think people think highly of him. He works very hard and does a lot of work outside of his paid work. Ie still takes work calls when on annual leave, weekends etc. I understand why he does as he loves his job and always wants to be the best. I asked if he says no will any thing be said. He said they won't really say if they think so, but may think it. Ive also asked him if he says no will anyone else go to which he replied 3 others will also say no possibly one will do it.
Ive thought about why he wants to do it and believe its because he wants the company to think he is flexible, hardworking etc.
He worked away sun to Friday for a while before we had the kids and I actually enjoyed the peace and the tidy house but now with children there is so much that needs doing its nice to have the support and someone to talk too. He goes away now occasionally for over night stays. I just hate the thought of one of them being ill in the night and there just being me here on my own. Plus I worry that I will have to cram so much into the weekends ie shopping. Visiting both grandparents, that it would feel I was never having a weekend.
If declining the offer had a negative effect on his job I would just say go for it, but he hasn't said it will, nor do I believe His company will even remember he did it after a few months. They definitely aren't paying any extra, they didn't last time either.

I've left it with him and said if It's something he really wants to do he should say yes. I'm not over the moon about it but don't want to stop him if that's what He wants

OP posts:
nijinsky · 12/05/2011 00:00

To be honest, I think his work are taking a loan of him. They know he will do it for no extra cash, and also know they don't have to put much pressure on him to do it. This isn't the mark of a valued employee. He also says he isn't interested in promotion (why not, when he seems so ready to take on additional responsibility?), so I doubt they are interested in furthering his career.

I agree that employers often value you more if you make them respect you more.

cryhavoc · 12/05/2011 00:20

I think that you are being a bit U, but my DH is in the forces so my perspective is a bit skewed. Six months isn't really a long time in the grand scheme of things, and he'll be home on weekends.
Is it possible he isn't telling you that there is some pressure at work to take it?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/05/2011 01:29

Fast forward a year; your DH refused the assignment because you've told him 'not to do it. The colleague who has demonstrated their flexibiity by agreeing temporarily work away gets promoted over your DH's head.

Will your DH be a happy bunny, or will he feel some resentment towards you for holding him back?

The pros are that if your DH accepts the offer, he will be working 4 days instead of his customary 5. This is equivalent to a reasonably healthy payrise.

In addition he will have raised his profile with his employers which could lead to bigger things - presumably they've asked him first because they believe he's the best person for the job?

The cons are that you will spend 3 nights alone with your dcs; this needn't be a big deal given that you and your dcs can skype/talk face to face with your DH nightly (which can be a lot of fun).

As for potential illness; assuming they are in good health at present there's no reaon to suppose that your dcs won't continue to thrive.

I'd be looking to deal on this one - your DH undertakes to spend Friday daytime undertaking any tasks you haven't been able to complete while he's been away; shopping is done as and when or ordered online; you continue with your usual Sunday routine or make some subtle alteration (maybe a chance for you to visit your parents alone occasionally while DH cares for/feeds dcs?)

Change can be a positive force for good; don't stagnate and grow old before your time - embrace life's challenges. Dare to be different! Could be that when the six short months are up (and presumably you'll share a holiday or two during that period?) you'll be encouraging your DH to leave you home alone again.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/05/2011 01:40

you would be being unreasonble to give an outright "no", but you have a right to an opinion, especially if it isn't a must-do thing.

I am also slightly skewed, as DH is forces, and I have worked around it, with 3 children, for years. It's not so bad- you learn to do it all yourself, then if he gets home, it seems like a bonus. DH finds it hard, because the children automatically defer to me- I am the stable point for them.

I think it involves a good chat about the ins and outs. Your DH will be giving up a lot too to do this, presuming he likes his family life. I do think it is harder on my DH than it is on me, because I have the kids, and we have a routine of sorts, while he is away from his nearest and dearest, just for the sake of making money.

You need to talk, I think.

vajazzhands · 12/05/2011 01:41

I can't belive people are sayign YABU!

If you dont want to provide 24 hour care for your dc 4 days a week that's your choice. You are not a single parent. You don't have to put up with it. DH IS BEING UNREASONABLE!!!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/05/2011 03:37

vajazzhands, unless the union came about through a shared appreciation of all things sado-masochistic, a tried and test route to single parenthood is to lay down the law to your dh/dp/oh.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/05/2011 03:38

test-ed, even.

valiumredhead · 12/05/2011 08:37

With the hours you describe, he'd be at home MORE than my dh who doesn't actually work away but can work up to 80 hours a week. YABU.

wordfactory · 12/05/2011 09:19

Look, no-one likes their partners to work away.

But it does sound as if yours might be more ambitious than he lets on. Sometimes people are afraid to admit it particularly if those around look down on ambition and package it as prioritising work over family (not sayong you do that, but many do).

Perhaps he can't put it into words but he knows his prospects will be improved by showing willing.

DH recently had to look for someone to send on a placement to Moscow. Thought there is no direct benefit for the young man who went, he is now seen as someone willing and flexible. It will only do his career good.

ettiketti · 12/05/2011 09:22

I would let mine and he does a LOT around the house and with the kids. Its only 3 nights in reality, as he would be at work during the day anyway for the 4 days.

HerHissyness · 12/05/2011 09:23

Izzywhizzy is right. 100% bang on right.

it is only 6m. give it a go. your DH would be working 4day a week, most men with any brains would kill for the chance to have 3 days off a week.

you can make this work, if you stamp on this he could end up resenting you, or forever asking what-if if he is ever passed over for a promotion, and sooner or later the whiff of blame would be around you. you have to let him decide what he wants to do, and not influence him at all. Tell him that you will support him no matter what, and mean it, or you could set yourself up for more problems later.

It's not a permanent move, go with the flow.

You are nowhere near being a LP.

FabbyChic · 12/05/2011 09:23

I don't see why you have to visit grandparents at the weekend at all every week.

Why can;t they visit you.

Why do you have to go out to do the shopping, why can't you do it online and have it delivered?