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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to dh working away

116 replies

kbaby · 11/05/2011 19:33

Dh has come home from work today and said they asked him to go away and work for 6 months. It would mean leaving early Monday morning and comings back Thursday late. He would then be home Friday to Sundays. We have 2 dc one 4 one 7. AT the moment I work every day and then on a Sunday we go to my mums for dinner for her to see the dc. The job is not a promotion or extra salary.
At the moment my reaction was no hes not to do it. I don't see the point. I've said if the kids are ill in the week its me who would have to deal with it and then also go to work the next day. They wouldn't get to see the rest of the family on the weekend because he wants to be with them all weekend. Which means I also wouldn't get to see my parents either.

He said I'm just finding silly obstacles to which I've said he is the one who is being unreasonable.
Can anyone give me some advice, am I just being difficult for the sake of it.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 11/05/2011 20:35

I personally would hate it and if its not for promotion etc then why would he want to be away from his family? You will be left with everything to do and you also work.

Georgimama · 11/05/2011 20:39

Does he actually have a choice in the matter? And what are you going to do in six months or twelve months if redundancies are in the pipeline and he's the awkward sod who refused to go on a secondment and therefore first in the firing line?

Lots of families do this all the time. YABU.

rookiemater · 11/05/2011 20:48

Gosh OP you are getting a hard time.

I do believe you have a right to a say in this decision as by him working away from home you are solely responsible for DCs during the week, have no opportunity to ever get out ( unless you have access to babysitters) and will have to deal with any DC sickness etc by yourself, which could have implications for your job.

Other have asked what are the implications for his job if he doesn't do this, will this enhance his career if he does?

Adversecamber · 11/05/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 11/05/2011 20:56

Why do you have to visit your mother every Sunday? Why can't that be changed? Besides your mother could visit you in the week when your husband is working, thing's don't have to be so rigid.

I agree with the others it's only Monday to Thursday. Single parents manage 24/7 all week, all month sometimes for years.

GnomeDePlume · 11/05/2011 20:59

I would want to be very certain that this move will be career enhancing. My experience is that out of your home manager's sight is out of mind. Annoying as it may be I'm afraid the awkward sods who stayed at home tend to keep their jobs.

KittySpencer · 11/05/2011 21:09

YABU. I was in a similar position but in reverse in that I was the one working away whilst my Ex p looked after the DC. Like your DH I was home Thursday night, so had Friday off (in lieu of travel time) plus the whole weekend. I was given an inconvenience allowance whilst away, so gained financially. More than that though I have now a huge amount of goodwill from my employers, for having stepped up when they needed someone.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 11/05/2011 21:17

Ok I will go against the grain and say I understand and YANBU but depending on a few things

Is he the main wage earner? How important is his job and will this gain him longer term promotion?

Does he realise what he is asking you to do (essentially be single parent for 4 days a week)

How many hours do you work / how stressful is your job

And finally...

If this situation was reversed and you wanted to go away mon - thurs for 6 months would he support you?

peppapighastakenovermylife · 11/05/2011 21:18

p.s. it should be a joint decision e.g. your thoughts should count. I have to say if my DH came home and said this I would be very reluctant. However he is not the main wage earner

Al0uiseG · 11/05/2011 21:20

Yabu, what's the alternative?

mumblechum1 · 11/05/2011 21:22

YABU. My dh spent 5 years away from Monday am to Thursday night, I worked part time, ds1 had severe brain damage, I had no family within 200 miles but still held it together, it really wasn't a big deal.

Why do you have to see your mum every single Sunday?? Can't you see her in the week while he's away? You're otherwise halving your quality time with him.

Ormirian · 11/05/2011 21:22

Does he have any choice?

Have to say mon to thurs doesn't sound too bad but I can see it has come as a shock.

mumblechum1 · 11/05/2011 21:25

You do need to ensure that you get out in the week, even if it's just for an evening class or something.

herbietea · 11/05/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TandB · 11/05/2011 21:46

YABU - this is his job - he is not wanting to go away on a jolly.

I am on my own with DS Weds to Friday due to our working/commuting arrangements. It is fine.

nijinsky · 11/05/2011 21:55

It depends on whether he will be made redundant or not advance if he turns it down, and if it is likely to be extended beyond the 6 months. Where will he be staying when he is away? I must admit, I find it mean that they are not proposing to pay him an enhanced away from home type allowance. He will incur additional expenses living away from home.

And then theres the assumption that the wife will look after the children. No thoughts to her own career. What if you were a lawyer or something, and simply couldn't fit in looking after the children on your own? (sorry, but is he an engineer, as this type of attitude seems endemic amongst engineering type jobs).

OTOH he will get more days off and you will probably get used to the change in circumstances and perhaps even see it as a breath of fresh air. But I think his employers are poor in not incentivising this in any way.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 11/05/2011 22:01

I understand your apprehension. Although I don't think it can be avoided in the current climate it is horrible to be alone with no help when things go wrong. My DH works away a lot on but on a really irregular basis and I've found it really hard on occasions. You'll need to work out a back up plan.

cerealqueen · 11/05/2011 22:15

Its only six months. It might lead to something else. It will go really fast. You can still see your parents, suggest a wekend in two or three to go round. Be supportive!

Kiwiinkits · 11/05/2011 22:19

Your DH should do it but treat it as an opportunity to ask for a payrise or promotion, if the secondment goes well.

Gooseberrybushes · 11/05/2011 22:22

Say yes and put it in the marital bank.

But seriously, it doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it's different for you but I don't think it would be that bad.

GnomeDePlume · 11/05/2011 22:22

It might lead to something else, equally it might lead to redundancy.

The problem with an early Monday start is that it does interfere with Sunday. It is very easy for early Monday to turn into late Sunday then for that to turn into 'it isnt worth coming home for the weekend'.

Believe me, I've seen that happen.

Original poster

kbaby · 11/05/2011 22:44

In response to one of the posts here. I don't think I am being controlling but he asked what I thought and I told him, there is no point me saying its ok if I don't believe it.

His job is very stable so there is no worries about him being seen as being difficult or facing redundancy should he say no, he was asked as they felt he would do a good job of the project until it was up and running. I asked him what advantages it would have to his current role and he said it wouldn't have any effect but would raise his profile within work. At the moment he isn't interested in promotion. Work would pay for his accommodation cost and expenses.
My reasons maybe small but i can't see any positives in him doing it either. If his job was at risk or it would be good experience then we would go for it.
How we currently spend our weekends aren't set in stone and They could change but everyone is changing and losing out in order for him to go.

I clearly as so many of you have said am being unreasonable but I can't see why I would agree to be a part time lone parent for no good reason

OP posts:

SJisontheway · 11/05/2011 22:50

Given the situation as you describe it yadnbu. I really am surprised so many think you are. I hope he will have a rethink.

GypsyMoth · 11/05/2011 22:50

er,you wouldnt be ANYTHING like a lone parent!!! believe me!!

flowery · 11/05/2011 22:51

I think you've been given a bit of a hard time tbh. Just because lots of other people have to do it and cope perfectly well doesn't mean you are being unreasonable not to be happy about the prospect of doing the same.

Unless it was severely career-limiting to refuse, I genuinely think my DH wouldn't even consider it. In some jobs it may be absolutely necessary, fine, but why choose to be away from your family if you don't have to?

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