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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to dh working away

116 replies

kbaby · 11/05/2011 19:33

Dh has come home from work today and said they asked him to go away and work for 6 months. It would mean leaving early Monday morning and comings back Thursday late. He would then be home Friday to Sundays. We have 2 dc one 4 one 7. AT the moment I work every day and then on a Sunday we go to my mums for dinner for her to see the dc. The job is not a promotion or extra salary.
At the moment my reaction was no hes not to do it. I don't see the point. I've said if the kids are ill in the week its me who would have to deal with it and then also go to work the next day. They wouldn't get to see the rest of the family on the weekend because he wants to be with them all weekend. Which means I also wouldn't get to see my parents either.

He said I'm just finding silly obstacles to which I've said he is the one who is being unreasonable.
Can anyone give me some advice, am I just being difficult for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 12/05/2011 09:25

Have read the thread a little more and other people have expressed a good concern, I think the main issue here is not the being away from you, but the fact that your dh is being exploited.

HerHissyness · 12/05/2011 09:38

WHAT?

Doesn't sound like he's being overly exploited here at all! Many of us have to work outside 9-5pm, most people these days have email/phone contact with work on days off, holidays etc. It's sad, but pretty common.

Some people (usually childless, often men) think business travel is a PERK! It's my idea of hell, always has been, even pre-dc, but some people actually like sitting in a restaurant in a foreign city, on their own, going back to a hotel room, or as I used to have to do every 10 days, first flight out, last flight back and a 23 hour day.

Bosses can offer people the chance to do a stint in an office elsewhere thinking that it's an opportunity. Who knows, maybe there is something that management are thinking of long term.

As I said, if the H wants to do it, then he ought to be able to give it a go, or at least come to his own decision that it is not right for him.

Gooseberrybushes · 12/05/2011 09:42

It sort of does, a little bit to me. I appreciate what you say but he sounds like he could be a bit of a "derek" for his employer. Not saying I'm right, it just sounds like that a bit.

Sidge · 12/05/2011 09:48

YABU.

6 months isn't that long, and he'd only be away 3 nights of the week. He'd also be working a 4 day week instead of a 5 day week for the same money.

Looking after a 4 yo and a 7 yo isn't that hard for 4 days, especially if they're at school/preschool whilst you're at work. If you're at work Friday and he's at home he can do the housework and ironing so you don't have to do it at the weekend.

I can understand you don't want him to go away but I think as it's a short term plan and not indefinite it's no big deal.

HerHissyness · 12/05/2011 09:48

maybe, you could be right gooseberry, but I worked in Design/Marketing for years and we regularly worked around the clock, never, ever got any overtime.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/05/2011 09:57

As it is only 6 months and he wants to go, I though you should put up with it on the understanding that you are owed one for sometime in the future.
Though, in passing, I am a bit appalled by the number of grown women who are fwitened of being in the house at night without Hubby there.
Statistically you are much safer without a partner in the house, more women are murdered by their partners than by random burglars.

nijinsky · 12/05/2011 10:13

I'm not saying the OP's DH shouldn't go, what I'm saying is that I think he should ask for an enhanced working away from home payment to be built into his contract, in order to make the most of this opportunity. Over and above his employers paying his expenses, which he wouldn't have anyway if he weren't working away for them. Fair enough, he almost certainly has a clause in his contract of employment that states he should relocate on reasonable notice, but there is nothing that says he cannot re-negotiate his terms. I'd be asking for 10-15% on top of normal salary and get it written into my contract. Might not get it, but might get something, and it would mean getting taken more notice of.

Second guessing whether or not this might help him with promotion in the future is a bit futile, as equally he might be seen as being pushed aside by it (out of sight, out of mind and all that) or as one who is not going to stick up for himself and therefore a better candidate for redundancy than others. Maybe there is a huge training/experience benefit to this that the OP has not yet mentioned though?

And yes, of course there are jobs where you have to put in hours of unpaid overtime (very standard in my profession in fact), but unless you are a young employee gaining experience and working your way up, you would expect to be on a very good package for doing so. (some industries excepted).

MistyB · 12/05/2011 10:15

YANBU for feeling threatened by this change and it will have a huge impat on your life. You need to think about your feelings and the impact on you and your DC's. It is a short time so you should also bear that in mind. Your DH will have Friday's off from what I understand so he could do the shopping / cleaning / admin / deal with the children on Fridays and possibly take them to his parents if that is important.

I would also enourage him to speak to his employers and see if they have a split family policy where a disturbance allowance is paid in these situations which may allow you to pay for a baby sitter or have help in the mornings / evenings or to pay for extras that make your life easier like taking your children out for tea or just something nice for you!

Try to look at the positives / how you can make the best of the situation, discuss this with your DH and if you still can't get over the negative points, then you and your DH may need to make a decision not to do this.

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 10:19

My DH works away from Sunday night to Friday evening!. He is back late Friday evening (8pm ish) and leaves to go back on Sunday at the same time.

It's not great for me or the kids but it's not forever either.

Job climate not good, so you should really think about it.

Also, not really your call to just say no is it?

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 10:20

He's been doing that for 8 months by the way but we hope to be reuinted during the week when we move by the end of June (with any luck).

Just suck it up and get on with it.

MrDinosaur · 12/05/2011 11:28

In my eyes you are not being unreasonable at all.

If it were my husband and his job, I think we'd both be expecting some major reward from the company for undertaking this. We've discussed this (in theory) and I don't think either of us would consider it voluntarily unless he was offered multiples of his salary.

On the other hand, if his job was threatened he may do it until he found another job, but it doesn't seem to be the case in your situation?

I have a friend whose husband works away at the other end of the country, it was originally for a few months (a year at most) but it's been going on for 6 years. They've both got used to it.

VinegarTits · 12/05/2011 11:37

no job is entirely 'safe' and if it will raise his profile then i think you should consider it

its not forever, its only 6 months

oranges · 12/05/2011 11:39

do people really think a mother has no say in whether the father sees the children or not during the week? especially as they do seem to have a choice here?

QueentessentialExcel · 12/05/2011 11:42

Yabu.
What does HE think about seeing your parents every weekend? You dont have to visit your mum every weekend. She can visit you. How about on a tuesday night?

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 11:43

MrDinosaur "multiples of his salary"?!?

MrDinosaur · 12/05/2011 11:51

Unlikely I know!!!, and it's never come up in real life but in our theoretical discussions about this - we decided that for the extra stress involved it would have to be a major financial reward to consider living apart voluntarily. Definitely wouldn't do it for a 50% rise.

nijinsky · 12/05/2011 11:53

This thead is of interest to me because DP is an engineer who often has to go abroad at short notice, and it does incur me extra expenses from time to time. I find it a quite old fashioned attitude to work, in that it assumes that the employee has a partner at home who can automatically step in to fill the breach. In other words, it takes no account of the reality for many people who both work. What would happen if parents with children were both strongly requested to work away from home?

Examples of extra expenses I've had to incur because my DP has been away with work - taxi fares to the airport, when he would have normally dropped me off, hiring a rental car because mine broke down and he would have fixed it for me, cancellation of plans, paying for a groom to come to a horse show with me because he couldn't manage, paying for cleaners to help me with the rental flats changovers when he was away, etc..

If the OP had a regular hobby, she would incur babysitter expenses if she wanted to nip out for a couple of hours two nights a week.

Thats why I think its unreasonable of the employer not to incentivise this in some way.

MovingAndScared · 12/05/2011 11:53

My DH is working away for a month - and i find it hard going - sounds like he is keen to do it though - I'd keep talking about why he wants to do it and why you are not happy about it - sounds like you are getting stuck in different positions at the moment

  • and could your parents not see the kids in the week sometimes and maybe give you are break that way?
cloudpuff · 12/05/2011 12:03

My dp often has to work away mon-friday. It is sometimes hard but it can work. I understand why you dont want him to go but you sound like a confident person and I think you'll cope brilliantly.
I have no family around me and found that hard sometimes but it had to be done so you just get used to it. If he goes you'll be fine.

seeker · 12/05/2011 12:07

I've done the dp working awa thing - and in my experience it's much eaaier than him coming home unpredictably or regularly very late.

GandTiceandaslice · 12/05/2011 12:10

My husband travels a lot for work.
I can't see the problem with it tbh.
You'll probably see more of him with him being around for 3 full days!

HappyAsASandboy · 12/05/2011 12:22

I would support it - you'd be trading 5 short, tired evenings for a whole extra day with him. I wouldn't lose the time with your family though - the evenings for Friday is the trade, family on Sunday is irrelevant and I think he might be using this as a way to break the Sunday visit habit ....

Chalkpink · 12/05/2011 12:30

I haven't read the whole thread but know how you feel because I've been through this twice in the past few years. I have four children, the eldest is 8 and each time my husband has worked away (in a similar work-home pattern to yours) I have had a baby to look after.

At the time it wasn't a promotion or for more money but it would have been career-limiting had he have refused to go.

FWIW Monday-Thursday is fine. Yes, there will be illness and other issues you will have to cope with on your own but it could be a lot worse (he could be in a war zone or away for 6 months without a break)

I'm glad we did it. The fact that I/the family now enjoy a significantly better lifestyle than we did before he worked away, can be attributed directly to the effect on his career that his period away had.:)

I think yabu only if you do not think carefully about whether you support him on this, and the potential positive long term impact on the whole family.

Good luck

Chalkpink · 12/05/2011 12:32

Oh, and I totally agree with Seeker

oldraver · 12/05/2011 12:33

When do you see his family (assuming he has one )