to think allowing grandparents to do unpaid childcare is just asking for family problems?

[deaconblue]

My friend's mum has been looking after her two dc's for 2-3 days a week for 7 years now (unpaid). She's now trying for another baby which would add a further 4 years to her mother's unpaid childcare duties. They keep falling out over parenting styles and their relationship is nothing like as good as it was pre-children.
It seems to me that it must be almost impossible to keep all parties happy with such a long term arrangement.

Lesley - totally agree about the age thing.

My parents are in their 50s, and happily look after the children for the whole day / weekend etc. But I wouldn't ask my grandmother (just turned 80) to look after my children for even an hour. She's not up to that at all.
Age makes a big difference.

Bibbity, yes, the grandparents I know who offer regular childcare are all retired.

i work part time and my mother has been looking after my 2 children for years, she walks (5 min walk) to my house by 7 some mornings, gets them ready for school, some days she also picks them up from school for me. When my youngest was a baby ( i went bk to work after a year) she sometimes had her from 7.30 - 5.15. we never agrue especially over the children, mainly because from the off set we both said when shes in charge its her way, if i didnt like it then tough. and she also enjoys it, they have a fab reletionship. i never even think of asking them to look after them, evenings or weekends though.

The nature of my Mum's job is such that the main bulk of it is at the weekend and there are a lot of meetings at night, so she always had her days off in the middle of the week. Also for some of it she could take the kids with her.

She is now finally retiring to look after her grandkids as she announced she would do when I got engaged 11 years ago, before grandkids were even thought about!!!

Call me selfish but I'm looking forward to doing lots of travelling, reading and pottering when I retire. I find the concept of retiring to look after one's grandchildren a strange one but we're all different.

In response to the OP, I think it can be a bit of a minefield. If the grandparents are doing full-time childcare then I think the parents should pay for meals and/or entertainment at least, but the idea of a fee seems wrong. That said, I don't think grandparents should feel obliged to help out.

My mum works full time, so she hasn't been able to help with either sprog, and to be fair it's not really her sort of thing anyway so I only ask her for babysits occasionally.

I've just gone back to work after having DS2, and DP's mother had repeatedly been saying how she would have him one afternoon a week, save us some money, spend some time with him, help out, etc etc etc. It was a kind offer and we didn't want to hurt her feelings, so we accepted and she picks him up from nursery for us once a week.

Things are already getting strained, for the sake of four hours' childcare that would only cost an extra tenner anyway. But I don't want to take it away from her, so I'll try and smile through it - it's not forever.

my neighbours are a lovely couple in their early 70s. their son and daughter in law who are very work focussed law drop their 2 year old off at grandparents every weekday at 7 am and don't collect til gone 8 in the evening, sometimes later. on saturdays there's shopping and other chores to be done so along comes the car and the grandparents also spend the bulk of saturday looking after the tot, and sometimes on sunday too.

doubtless the grandparents are doting but i feel sorry for them as i think they are being put upon. they never get a break and i often hear the child screaming and doing what 2 year olds do - it must be such hard work. sometimes when the child is "delivered" on a weekend it cries as it's being dropped off. i wonder if it really wants to be with its parents for once.

and i just wonder what will happen if No 2 child comes along.

there is a selfishness to this from the parents, i feel.

I think in some cases, using family for childcare can lead to disaster, but not all.

My mum used to work long night shifts at the week ends, and was free to provide childcare for my DB and SIL's 2 eldest, mid week for about a year. She was asked to do it (to save childcare costs) and enjoyed doing it, but SIL resented her for it at the same time. She never received thanks for it, not even so much as a bunch of flowers. SIL eventually cracked when she was heavily pregnant with their 3rd DC, and sent by DB over to 'sort mum out' 'cos she wanted it made known that she wouldn't tolerate my mum trying to steal her kids from her. She was a bit of a fruit loop tbh. SIL couldn't handle that her kids had a close bond with their gran, perceived to be at her expense because she couldn't afford to stay at home herself.

More than 10 years later, my mum helps me out 1 night per week with a pick from after school care. I've got back up in place just in case she can't or doesn't want to pick up for whatever reason. She knows that if she doesn't want to help out, I can use other options but my DD thrives on the close bond she has with her gran. Something my DB and SIL's kids now miss out on 'cos SIL eventually stopped DB's side of the family from having anything to do with their kids. None of us have seen them for the past 5 years now.

I look after my brothers dc 2 days a week from 8 till 6. I originally looked after his first DD for one day a week, then the 2nd came along and I started having them both 2 days a week.

It is a huge commitment. I love the pair of them to bits, I love spending time with them - but now I'm looking for a job and as I'm committed to their childcare it limits my options in the workplace. I do resent it a teeny, tiny bit because I've brought my children up - I've been a SAHM for the past 10 years, this should have been my time but now I feel I'm having to work around my nieces. My brother can't afford childcare so there is no way around it. Plus to be honest - all though I resent it a bit I would hate it if they went into nursery, I know I wouldn't have the bond I have with them now if I didn't look after them so although I whinge about it sometimes I wouldn't have it any other way.

I do really worry though incase they ever have a third (they have no plans as far as I'm aware). I would hate the thought of the committment starting from day one again. Infact this is something I often think about. I didn't know they were planning a second until the pregnancy was announced - sometimes I wonder whether it would be reasonable of me to make it clear now I wouldn't look after a 3rd - would they think i was a loon making that clear when they've never even mentioned a 3rd? Deep down though I know if a 3rd came along I would look after it because I love my brother and my sil and most of all my beautiful nieces so even though I've got my fingers crossed it doesn't happen if it does it does.

I have 2 teen daughters too - hopefully it'll be a long time before they put me in this position.

Lemmein-exactly my point earlier.
Your brother is dependent on you to provide childcare for free,because he can't afford it, and that puts massive responsibility on you, even to the point of your own work life coming secondary to providing this free childcare. And I agree that in a sense, your db should discuss with you if he plans to have another child, if he'll be relying on you again. I'm sure you do a great job of caring for them, and don't show your brother how you're feeling, so no doubt he's saying the sort of thing some people say on this thread: 'oh they don't mind doing it at all- they have a lovely bond with my kids'. It overlooks the fact that unpaid carers may well have underlying niggles which they feel they cant voice.
My parents live fairly near, and occasionally I might ask them to babysit but mostly our relationship is about seeing them for trips or walks, having them round for dinner etc and now our boys are
School age they will sometimes go over and have time alone with gp's which is also nice
To build the bond. I work 3 days a week and have always user a cm though- I think when my ds's were little it would have taking the piss to expect my parents to spend 3 of their days as unpaid cm's. They are not old and frail either- they are newly retired and pretty fit- which actually makes me feel it's more important that this stage of their life should be unencumbered so they can have days out, travel, see friends - all the things which they couldn't do so easily while working, and which they may not be able to do if they DO get frail. Now my ds's are at school, I feel the same- I use a cm for pick ups - the school day finishes at 3.15 and I would feel awful expecting my parents to plan their days around being at the school gate on time

You're just not reading the answers though, are you? What about the grandparents that want to do this? That ask to do this? Both my mother and my MIL would be devastated if I went home tonight and told them I was putting DD into the nursery instead.

It's all about the communication that you have with your family. No I wouldn't be able to put dd into the nursery for 3 days a week, it would cancel out my salary. But when we were talking about having children, both mothers said at the very start that they would be happy to do a day each. We said thanks, we'll see what happens, and the offer was repeated again and again. My mother has recently said that she would be happy to have DD for two days so that we didn't have to pay for a day at nursery but we've said no thank you, that's not fair on her.

Neither of them are tied down. My mother is off to China next week and MIL works overseas during the summer, but we work it out.

So please, give over this notion that every grandparent looking after the children is doing it under duress and cursing the parents. Some are, but lots aren't.

I think you need to have a very solid relationship with your M/MIL for it to work. Solid in the respect that you're not only friends, but also comfortable enough with each other that you can be honest and open about any differences in approaches to child care.

My M has always looked after my DCs on and off. It works really well and my M enjoys having the one to one time with them (she says this; I don't just assume!). But I know a couple of friends who haven't been so lucky, particularly if they've had MIL doing the child care; mainly because of differences which haven't been discussed soon enough. I suppose sometimes it's just much easier to be frank and open with your M than you MIL.

Agreed, tis a nightmare. My mil picks ds (9 months) from nursery every day at 3pm, we pick him up at 6. It was her idea, i was never keen but didn't want to be rude, just kept asking if she was quite sure, such a big commitment, etc etc, oh yes very sure of course its fine.

I've been back at work a month, she's let us down 3 times already. She is great with him, no problems there, but she never worked while having kids so she just doesn't get it. Words are going to have to be had, i'm dreading it.

Feel awful, it saves us £70 odd quid a week, its better for him, and obviously very kind, but I just can't keep takign time off work to look after him when she can't.