to think allowing grandparents to do unpaid childcare is just asking for family problems?

[deaconblue]

My friend's mum has been looking after her two dc's for 2-3 days a week for 7 years now (unpaid). She's now trying for another baby which would add a further 4 years to her mother's unpaid childcare duties. They keep falling out over parenting styles and their relationship is nothing like as good as it was pre-children.
It seems to me that it must be almost impossible to keep all parties happy with such a long term arrangement.

I think it really depends on the people involved. Usually the kids benefit. But if the grandparent and/or parent don't communicate well, are stubborn, ignore requests cos they know best, take the care for granted and so on....

Well it can get messy.

I know a lovely woman ( early 60's very fit and active) who is looking after her daughter's 1 yr old for 3 days a week and she is finding it tiring and is missing going off with her friends on outings etc... It's a huge commitment.

Forgot to say - her daughter thinks that her mum considers it a joy to have the grandchild from 8.00 until 6pm for 3 days a week and not at all a sacrifice. Of course she enjoys it but it's hard work and she'd like a little recognition for it.

I think it's nice to have children looked after by someone who loves them. After parents grandparents are usually the next best think. Regarding payment I guess it depends on what the respective parties can involve.

Personally my mother will look after my dc when I return to work and I won't be paying her.

afford not involve

I think it's taking the piss, personally. But that's just me. Every family has a different dynamic.

My parents love my kids but they really wouldn't be the best people to childmind them on a regular basis. Thankfully it's a non-issue as we don't live near them.

Nonsense. DD has been looked after by both grandmothers for over 2 years now and we never have a cross word. It's perfectly doable if all parties relax. I accept that MIL won't do things exactly my way but that's the trade off for free childcare. My mother is more inclined to ask me what I want regarding some things but even then I don't lay down laws.

I have also seen quite large problems when the older daughter gets 'free' childcare from the grandparents, then a younger daughter has a baby a few years later and expects the grandparents to do the same for the new grandchild.

My friend's parents look after her son every school holiday or inset day (staying overnight or for weeks at a time). Her brother has recently married and his wife is pregnant, they have asked the grandparents to look after the new baby when she goes back to work.

My friend is horrified that her, now 8 years older, parents will be looking after a baby and doesn't think her brother is being fair on her parents. However, she still thinks it is okay for her parents to look after her 8 year old son every holiday!

She confided in me that she was also very worried how her 8 year old son would feel when he stayed for holidays with a baby to look after too. She knows that the grandparents do whatever her 8 year old wants to do - park, football etc. That won't happen when they have a baby to look after aswell.

Meant to add, that the key to it is that the grandparents want to do it and don't feel they have to. Both of ours offered and we always give them the option to stop whenever they want. I wouldn't want them to do it if they felt obligated.

My mum looks after my DD2 one day a week, and picks up DD1 from school on the same day. Unpaid, no expenses. I am really grateful and will definitely be looking after her in her old age!

She does love having a close relationship with her gcs - and is a huge part of their lives - but she is clear that one day is enough! I don't think I could handle my mum having charge of my dcs more than that either because she is hugely indulgent and they can be quite bratty when they get home. DD2 does another two days at nursery so that I can work.

Three long days is too much to ask of a grandparent, imo. It makes them too much of an influence and you can't really control how they look after the children if they have them that often.

I think its really exploitative. Poor grandparents have served their time wiping snotty noses and pushing swings. Full time care of small children is bloody tiring, can be mindnumbing and is a huge commitment. No last minute trips for them still tied to the school holidays. My lovely aunt and uncle have my cousins children 4 days a week. Their relationship with the children is more like surrogate parents doing that sort of care means you cant be a doting grandparent swooping in being fun and bearing sweets. Their retirement has been totally dominated by this and they are over a barrel as they love the children and want to help their adult son. Bad idea if you want childcare jolly well pay for it!

at finding it such a joy to look after someone elses DC from 8-6 for no money.... Im going to be a terrible grandparent...Id go potty, i am with my own!

Im hoping to return to work in a few years, and save my ass off, and when my little ones grow up and have their own little bundles of joy....ill give a lump sum as my childcare contribution and the number of the local nursery! Hopefully that way we will stay friends.

My MIL looked after DD1 full time from 6 months old and has DD2 3 days a week - and it has always worked out really well - she loves having them. Of course she sometimes does things differently to me, but I've learnt not to sweat the small stuff. I don't think that looking after children is something that parents have the monopoly on, my children are part of my wider family too, so I don't feel I have to "control" how they look after them

I'll ring MIL and tell her she's being exploited, she'd piss her pants laughing.

YANBU - it often results in misunderstandings and somebody feeling taken forgranted or aggrieved about something.

Even if the arrangement seems to work ok, I think it's taking the pee tbh. I could not go to work and earn money, while watching someone else do the equally hard job of caring for my child for no money! Why should I get all the financial benefit - seems just selfish.

It's not just the money though - i think grandparents should be allowed to enjoy that time of their life without the tie of regular childminding. They can't book holidays for when they please, or just take off for the day if they are committed to this responsibility

but they are not just "someone elses DC" - they are her grandchildren??

I feel for the grandparents who are taken for granted. Of course grandchildren are a joy, but there are many who give up their chance of a full life post-retirement to help out with the best of intentions, and find themselves practically bringing up their grandkids for little or no recognition. I would never have asked this of my own parents, even if the offer of help was there. As to differing parenting styles, I suppose this is inevitable given the self-help literature now available. I personally feel that perhaps we ought to listen to the older generation more, not less, but that's just me and perhaps I'm just being old fashioned.

Do wonder what all these stalwart grandparents who adore providing consistent reliable free childcare are saying to their friends...Most of my parents dinner parties now dominated by their friends handwringing about how demanding their adult offspring are about them providing childcare and how hard it is to say no.

gin - of course they are someone else's children! The parents are the parents! I am not saying grandchildren can't have a close and special relationship with their grandparents, but at the end of the day, its the parents who choose to have children, and their own parents have already done the very important job of caring for young children and should be allowed to enjoy this period of life without this tying them down. Occasional babysitting - fine. Building a loving relationship - great. But being unpaid regular childminders? It's a piss take

My mum helps me out with my little one. I have a fantastic relationship with my mum, she is no put upon martyr! She is usually just stand by for a long meeting nowadays, but when DD2 was at nursery she had her for 1 or 2 mornings or afternoons - she has very fond memories of those times.

I also involve my mum and SD in fun stuff - take her to zumba, taker her out for tea, go shopping with her, take her and SD canoing (!), DH has taken SD walking, they come to our parties - they are generally part of our extended family life.

I think nuclear families can be far too insular - we all benefit from sharing our family lives.

Yes but theres a big difference between "sharing a family life" and dropping your child off at grannys 8-6 4 days a week

"we all benefit from sharing family lives" - I don't think anyone is disagreeing. But you dont need to use parents as unpaid childminders to share family life. In fact there is more sharing of life going on if you visit the grandparents, or go out for dinner etc as a family, rather than dropping your kids with them while you work.

X posts there!

I dont have the option to use gps as babysitters even if I wanted to.My mum workd full-time(2 jobs) and though my inlaws are retired,they are older and have never offered to do it(though did for bil).
I see so many gps at playgroup/toddlers etc who are basically run ragged looking after grandkids when they should really be relaxing and enjoying their retirement. I know many gps like to do it but think expecting it to be a full time occupation for them is ripping the piss.
I was brought up by my gps as mother was single parent who always worked.This has had huge implications on the relationship I have with her.