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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to let her cry it out?

137 replies

VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 21:11

Please help me. My 4 mo dd fights sleep. It has got so bad that I spend the majority of my day and evening trying to soothe her to sleep while she screams in my ear. It is exhausting. It takes me a good hour and a half to get her to nap and then she will only nap for 30 minutes. This happens three times a day. In the evening the fun really starts. I bring her up at 5.30/6.00 start the wind down routine, as soon as I put her in her cot she screams and will not settle until about 9.00/9.30. I am spending at least 7 hours in her room trying to get her to sleep...every day...EVERY DAY!!!!

I have tried everything..routine, baby whisperer technique, white noise, blackout blinds...you name it and it just seems to be getting worse. I have come to the conclusion that she is overtired and am considering (even though I said I never would) controlled crying.

WIBU?

OP posts:

keepmumshesnotsodumb · 09/05/2011 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gkys · 09/05/2011 12:19

stop trying to make her sleep. you are stressing you both out, 6 is very early, my 7month ds doesn't settle til 8ish. i don't use cc (can't stand the tears and stress) and its not recommened for babies under 6 months. she isn't being difficult just a baby, put her in the buggy and go for a walk,

Weta · 09/05/2011 13:54

kungfupannda I obviously have a different approach to you, but I do firmly think that sleep is also one of a baby's needs, and that helping your baby learn to self-settle in a gentle way is actually an amazing gift to give them.

I don't really get into the 'bad habits' and 'rod for your own back' stuff but I do think that if you always put a baby to sleep in the same way then you essentially teach them that this is how to get to sleep. If that subsequently turns out not to be working for you (eg because the baby gets too heavy for you to rock them to sleep every time or have them in a sling or whatever, or because you can't cope with the endless breastfeeding or whatever), then it is possible to teach them a different way to get to sleep but initially this will be confusing for them and there will be a period of adjustment which will probably involve some tears. I wouldn't do CC with a child that age (and don't really like it at any age) but I do think there are other options where you can support your baby through the time of adjustment so that both mother and child come to something that works for them.

It is so hard to generalise as every baby (and mother) really is different and it is a question of finding whatever works for everyone, whether that is feeding to sleep, sling, buggy or some kind of gentle sleep training.

I have to say I'm quite offended by the people who are horrified that anyone would suggest such a thing as gentle sleep training (and personally I'm not talking about CC here). I think it's really counterproductive to label it 'bad' when for some people, in some situations, it can be the right answer. It certainly was for me, and I think I would have gone over the edge if I hadn't found a solution that worked for us all. But I would never presume to tell other people that they mustn't feed to sleep or whatever - I simply wanted to give my experience as another option for the OP, among the many offered. If it's not broken, don't fix it - but if someone is struggling and desperate then they need to consider a range of options and see what suits their personality and their baby best.

TandB · 09/05/2011 14:11

You see I don't believe that you can teach a young baby that they way things are being done is the way they must always be done - I think Colditz was spot-on with her comment about things being developmental stage appropriate. I think the suggestion that a young child can be "conditioned" as was suggested earlier in the thread is just plain wrong.

A 7 day old baby needs entirely different things to a 7 week old baby and a 7 month old baby. A child is growing and changing constantly and I simply don't think it is logical to be constantly looking ahead and saying "what will we do if x is still happening in 2 months time?"

I think that part of the problem for mums with babies who are poor sleepers is the constant feeling that sleep is a problem to be corrected, rather than simply being part and parcel of parenting that particular baby.

NinkyNonker · 09/05/2011 14:18

As I have said many times before, I agree with KungFuPannda.

TheSecondComing · 09/05/2011 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weta · 09/05/2011 14:31

I do take your point about doing what is appropriate at developmental stages. I guess where I am coming from is not so much looking ahead at what will it be like in 2 months time, but at different ways of dealing with a situation when what was ok/working 2 months ago suddenly isn't any more.

Likewise, not so much teaching them that this is the way things are always being done, as it being possible to find a new way when the old one isn't working any more.

Though I also take your point about the feeling that sleep is a problem to be corrected, and that is certainly how I felt at the time myself - and I could murder every single person who made comments like 'so is he a good baby then? does he sleep well?'.

I did at one point decide to just accept that he was a wakeful baby, but then he wasn't just happily awake, he was downright miserable most of the time and so was I, so something had to give. That may be partly to do with my personality and not being very good at going with the flow (and I worried less about it with my second, but then he's always loved sleeping anyway), but I stand by my view that for some people, sometimes, gentle sleep training is appropriate and can be considered along with/after all the other options.

I'm not wanting to prolong a heated debate, just interested in your point of view and trying to explain my own better... :)

bubbleymummy · 09/05/2011 14:52

Excellent posts kungfupannda.

juuule · 09/05/2011 14:54

I also strongly agree with Colditz posts.

OP spending 7 hours trying to get a baby of 4.5 months to sleep seems such a waste of time. I carried my later whingey ones around most of the time.

Rebecca41 · 09/05/2011 15:08

Does your baby like movement? I've got one of these

www.babydreammachine.com/

and it's been a life-saver with both of my children.

TandB · 09/05/2011 15:36

Just popping back in to recommend The Wonder Weeks book - you can get it on Amazon.

It's not a routine or a method, just an explanation of what might be going on in your baby's head at each developmental stage. It is very much a "this too will pass" approach.

I didn't really fancy any of the method-type books but our NCT teacher raved about The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp and when I had a look at it, it seemed pretty sensible.

Iggly · 09/05/2011 15:42

DS was very similar at that age. In the end I had to nap him after 45 mins of being awake, especially in the mornings. Afternoons he could go longer. Also bedtime - no bath, story etc if he seemed too tired. Also had an afternoon nap starting no later than 4 with him feeding to sleep starting at 6. Doing that stopped the 2-3 three hours of hell trying to get him to sleep.

He took most of his naps in a sling or on me at that age!

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