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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to let her cry it out?

137 replies

VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 21:11

Please help me. My 4 mo dd fights sleep. It has got so bad that I spend the majority of my day and evening trying to soothe her to sleep while she screams in my ear. It is exhausting. It takes me a good hour and a half to get her to nap and then she will only nap for 30 minutes. This happens three times a day. In the evening the fun really starts. I bring her up at 5.30/6.00 start the wind down routine, as soon as I put her in her cot she screams and will not settle until about 9.00/9.30. I am spending at least 7 hours in her room trying to get her to sleep...every day...EVERY DAY!!!!

I have tried everything..routine, baby whisperer technique, white noise, blackout blinds...you name it and it just seems to be getting worse. I have come to the conclusion that she is overtired and am considering (even though I said I never would) controlled crying.

WIBU?

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 08/05/2011 22:29

also fresh air. many of us get very little of it

although i had problems (unitl i relaxed) with getting ds to sleep early (i jsut in the end accepted it was not going to happen), once he did he would sleep well (never ever the 12 hours though). we didn't have a car the first year and i walk lots i felt this really helped

beanlet · 08/05/2011 22:29

FWIW it's quite normal for some babies just not to sleep much during the day. My DS is one - he naps for 30 mins max two or three times during the day, either in the pram or being cuddled. And he sleeps like a log in his cot from 7:30 to 7:30 (though still waking for a breastfeed at about 3).

Don't force your DC to sleep during the day, or insist on a sleep routine that clearly isn't working for them. Try following their lead on daytime sleeps, and routinise at night only.

bubbleymummy · 08/05/2011 22:29

Sprinkles I think you are thinking of Cry It Out (CIO). Cc does involve you going in to check every x minutes (gradually increasing the length of time i think) it's not recommended for babies under a year anyway iirc and tbh I don't really like the idea of any method that leaves a child upset but CIO is just barbaric in my opinion - basically close the door and walk away until they shut up! Shock

RobynLou · 08/05/2011 22:31

if you're thinking about a sling then I'd really recommend a stretchy wrap - I have a moby - they're fab, DD2 spends most the day in it. much better for longer periods than one which goes just over one shoulder.

TandB · 08/05/2011 22:32

Would she sleep in bed with you? You could try co-sleeping.

onceamai · 08/05/2011 22:33

If she's happy when she's being held upright or standing and naps a bit in the pushchair when she's focused on activities around her, it just might be worth taking her to the doctor and having her ears checked out.

tulipgrower · 08/05/2011 22:37

I read with interest. My 4.5 mo DS2 also fights sleep. I find it very distressing that he crys everytime before he finally falls asleep, regardless of whether in a sling, pram or cot. Also often wakes crying, even with his eyes still closed. Can this be normal?

Additionally he refuses a dummy, will only sleep on his stomach, eats alot and often, is very active (loves standing), seems to require very little sleep during the day and demands a lot of attention.

By this time with DS1 we had a routine which worked like clockwork, this time it's not only a different game, but I still haven't figured out the rules!

But I also don't think CC will help, 4 mo is just too young imo.

Tryharder · 08/05/2011 22:44

YABU. You are making both your baby and yourself miserable with your expectations of what she should be doing sleep-wize. I would forget about putting her to bed and just relax in the living room with your DH and watch telly with your DD on your knee. You can take turns to cuddle her if you want. She doesn't want to sleep in a dark room by herself away from you - she doesn't feel safe there - yet Smile

Winnie300 · 08/05/2011 22:48

I often think that feeding too often doesn't give their stomachs time to digest.

NomNomNom · 08/05/2011 22:50

It sounds like you're really anxious about your DD's sleep time. With my DD I often think that she can feel when I really want her to go to sleep, so then she stays awake! I have to think really calm thoughts, or close my eyes, so my heartbeat is slow and calm.

At four months I think she is too young to be spoilt - just go with what she wants and she will show you what her routine is. Don't listen to your family.

Have you considered letting her drop one of her naps? Perhaps she only needs 2 naps now she is no longer quite so tiny.

Perhaps you could spend a day completely forgetting your routine and just watch her signs. If she seems tired, you make it possible for her to go to sleep. If she changes her mind and doesn't want to go to sleep, give up for a bit and play, or look at a book or something. Find out what her sleep needs are rather than rigidly sticking to a system.

Original poster
VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 22:52

tulipgrower my dd also wakes screaming apart from first thing in the morning. Someone suggested 'cranial osteopathy' and my dd has many of the symptoms. She startles at every little noise, prefers to be upright and doesn't like sleep. Also I had a difficult labour which ties in with that.

I think tomorrow I am going to bring her to the doctor just to rule out that there is nothing wrong with her.

kungfupanda I have brought her into our bed and kicked my DH out a few times but I am so scared to rolling on her that I usually don't get any sleep.

OP posts:
colditz · 08/05/2011 22:55

Put the moses basket in your bed, and put her in it

Kiwiinkits · 08/05/2011 22:55

Tryharder I disagree. All you'd be doing there would be conditioning the baby to think that she needs TV and cuddles to get to sleep. Roll forward a year and you've got a child who never goes to bed. You have to start as you mean to go on. If you want a child to sleep in their own bed, then you have to teach them how to do that. Why would you teach them to only sleep on the couch in the lounge with you?

PenguinArmy · 08/05/2011 22:57

Sympathies

DD was also one who it took an hour and a half to go down for a one hour nap and several hours to get to sleep (she also woke and fed 2 hourly until around 8 months).

We've always accepted she needed a cry before sleeping. What would work one week wouldn't the next.

Eventually we got to the stage where she couldn't sleep if we were there and she took herself off, probably 8 months again. Bedtime got there first and then naps followed (although these are still a mystery until themselves). We had some cry it out stages (but she would only cry for 5-10mins). At first we left her not to CIO but that kind of grumbling they make, if she lost control we would go in. As I said this was a few months away from 4 months.

For the most part, I believe we just had to to ride it out. I knew I was a bad sleeper as a baby and didn't have any other expectations which helped (although MIL thought we should go to the doctors because she wasn't sleeping through at 4 months - both hers slept through at 6 weeks)

She is also a high needs baby, just the way some are wired. The overtired cycle is a killer.

Sorry no real help, but have been there and hope another person telling you they had it helps to keep you sane.

BertieBotts · 08/05/2011 23:00

If you had a difficult labour definitely the cranial osteopathy is worth a try.

If you're worried about rolling on her in your bed can you convert her cot to a 3 sided one and tie it to the bed so she has her own space? Your instincts will prevent you rolling on her anyway but that might help you feel safer.

CoffeeDodger · 08/05/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 08/05/2011 23:01

Tryharder don't be silly - a 4 month old isn't going to register the TV. DS stayed downstairs until we went to bed until he could crawl - he goes to sleep fine now!

Original poster
VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 23:01

Thank you for all your suggestions. I know many of you have suggested bringing her and watching TV but she will cry even if I am cuddling her. This is during the day or evening. She does not like to sit and she does not like when I sit when I am holding her. She will cry the minute I sit down unless I put her in standing position. She likes to be on the move either standing or in my arms when I am walking around.

OP posts:
colditz · 08/05/2011 23:03

"All you'd be doing there would be conditioning the baby to think that she needs TV and cuddles to get to sleep. Roll forward a year and you've got a child who never goes to bed. You have to start as you mean to go on. If you want a child to sleep in their own bed, then you have to teach them how to do that. Why would you teach them to only sleep on the couch in the lounge with you?"

Complete tripe.

A baby is not a dog to be conditioned, it's a fami9ly member to be loved and nurtured.

By your logic, you should never be naked in front of a newborn in case you condition it to expect to see you naked when it's 14. You should be feeding it 3 meals a day, and insisting on knife and fork correct usage, or you will condition it to expect milk and purees when it goes to school. You should shut it in it's room at 9 pm from day one, and wake it with an alarm and a bucket of cold water in case you casn't wake it up for college when it's nineteen because you conditioned it to expect to be treated lovingly.

Ridiculous.

Expectations should be developmentally appropriate. dealing with a four month old harshy because you are scared of what will happen when the child is a toddler is the most paranoid crap I've ever read.

BertieBotts · 08/05/2011 23:04

OH YES I remember that phase now - it's all come flooding back. Needing to be moving, constantly. Decent sling will absolutely help with that. I remember putting DS in his carseat and swinging it from my arms in desparation - they nearly dropped off!

This too shall pass x

Ishani · 08/05/2011 23:04

Spot on coldtiz

colditz · 08/05/2011 23:05

Vicky if she wants to play at 5.30/6, then let her play. Walk her round, let her use her muscles if she wants to. She sounds like a healthy strong little girl.

CoffeeDodger · 08/05/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenguinArmy · 08/05/2011 23:05

vicky yep you start to wonder how long your arms can take the latest jiggle that seems to work

colditz · 08/05/2011 23:05

Honestly, she sounds bored,.

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