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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to let her cry it out?

137 replies

VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 21:11

Please help me. My 4 mo dd fights sleep. It has got so bad that I spend the majority of my day and evening trying to soothe her to sleep while she screams in my ear. It is exhausting. It takes me a good hour and a half to get her to nap and then she will only nap for 30 minutes. This happens three times a day. In the evening the fun really starts. I bring her up at 5.30/6.00 start the wind down routine, as soon as I put her in her cot she screams and will not settle until about 9.00/9.30. I am spending at least 7 hours in her room trying to get her to sleep...every day...EVERY DAY!!!!

I have tried everything..routine, baby whisperer technique, white noise, blackout blinds...you name it and it just seems to be getting worse. I have come to the conclusion that she is overtired and am considering (even though I said I never would) controlled crying.

WIBU?

OP posts:
strandedbear · 08/05/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heathcliffscathy · 08/05/2011 21:27

fwiw 4/5 months sucks a big one. it's awful.

if you are sure this is tiredness (and it could be, it's the thing that will render a baby apoplectic and totally immune to soothing) then try leaving her to cry for a bit (a bit, like 10 mins...see if the crying starts to abate). if she has got to this point without any ability to self settle that problem will only get worse ime.

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 08/05/2011 21:27

Also agree with SuchProspects - I have a friend who went through a very similar situation.

FunnysInTheGarden · 08/05/2011 21:29

I think the mistake some mothers make is thinking that the child just 'wants to be with them'. It's very flattering and akin to 'oh DS only wants mummy" but very misconstrued. A tiny child who needs sleep, needs to be left to go to sleep without the constant interruption of it's mother.

Not only do you set bad sleep patterns for the DC, you also make life unreasonably hard for yourself.

lisaneedsarest · 08/05/2011 21:30

I don't think controlled crying would work, but possibly she needs to be left alone to fall asleep without extra stimulation, my ds2 used to fall asleep crying whether it was in my arms or in the cot so I figured leaving him in the cot to cry for a few minutes while I sat next to him and that worked, and after a while he could fall asleep without crying.

Have you tried a comforter? my 4 month dd is sleeping happily with a muslin (she's been a nightmare to get to sleep too!) I think she likes it 'cos it smells a bit like milk, a bit like me and reminds her of feeding!

babybythesea · 08/05/2011 21:31

I used a book called Babies by Christopher Green. He recommends a range of techniques to suit different babies (I loved the book because it didn't suggest that one way fits all, but that different babies have different temperaments and gave a few ideas for each 'type'). Anyway, he talked about successfully using controlled crying on a 10 month old, but thought it quite young. So I think 4 months is probably too young.

Which is no help. Would it be worth trying some of the things I did with my newborn - sitting on something that is then put down in the cot first, so the cot is a bit warmer and smells of you? Might reassure her you are still there.

Try a sling for the day. It sounds to me a bit like she just wants your company. Maybe try having her go to sleep on your shoulder while you watch TV in the evening. We did this with our DD, until she was 10 months at which point we decided that if we kept it going much longer we might end up with a child who couldn't go to sleep alone. Then, we did a week of putting her in the cot but staying with her, touching her, singing to her, and gradually moving away from her towards the door as the week progressed. And then a few nights of controlled crying to finish the job, and we've not had a problem since.
I think it worked because we were relaxed - we weren't sitting in a secluded room thinking 'go to sleep, damn you, because I don't want to sit in here any more, I have things to do' so she just relaxed on to us and dozed off when she was ready.
Hope you have some success.

FunnysInTheGarden · 08/05/2011 21:31

Such makes a very valid point

bubbleymummy · 08/05/2011 21:32

We kept both our boys downstairs with us at that stage and let them fall asleep on us (often bf to sleep or just rocked/bounced) it meant we could chat or watch a DVD (with subtitles if they're noisy!) and there was no pressure. When they fell asleep we just let them sleep on us until we carried them up to bed or we would put them in the Moses basket downstairs. I think they like the comfort of everyday noises and voices around them - it's reassuring for them to know you're nearby. They've been so close to you for months remember! :)

In answer to your op - yes, ywbu to use cry it out. She is tiny and she won't understand why you are leaving her and not responding to her cries. Try to relax about creating fixed routines etc and just try to let her fit into your life.

Ishani · 08/05/2011 21:32

YABU, CC is for 12 months at the absolute youngest.

colditz · 08/05/2011 21:32

also 4 months is growth spurt stage - she might want more food that you can imagine, both mione fed hourly at 4 months, it's a weird age.

Look ds2 didn't really cry much, but he didn't realy sleep. Luckily he was my second, I knew he would be my last and I knew he would grow out of it. So I just lugged him around in a sling until he was about 8 months old, learned to crawl and them magicaly started sleeping better (although never great!)

The routine books are utter gobshite. They only make a parent's life easier if you have a baby that would have done that anyway (like ds1). If you have a baby who sleeps less and feeds more often, and wakes earlier and nods of later than the book 'says' it should, you're going to have hell on earth unless you give in and give the baby what it wants.

Which is perfeclty safe and acceptable until they are about one year old. They don't get sploilt, they cry less.

iamanewmum31 · 08/05/2011 21:33

Sorry. I mistyped my earlier post about the controlled crying. We were told by one midwife to try it. We couldn't leave her for long! She had reflux and the only thing that soothed her was being held upright between feeds. People told us we were too soft! But I am happy we didn't use this technique properly. We tried it again when our baby was thirteen months. It made her worse. The baby books were a waste of time. We tired of listening to advice. Many people told us to use CC. Things got better when we stopped listening to other people and I trusted my instincts. Having the baby close to me and using a ring sling helped. Sorry for the long rant and my poor grammar and spelling.

RitaMorgan · 08/05/2011 21:34

Surely it depends on the baby Funnys? Mine never would have just cried for a few minutes and fallen asleep, and I never felt right leaving him to cry alone. It wasn't necessary in the end anyway.

Original poster
VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 21:35

Thank you for all your replies and advice. It is a tough one. She initially starts off gently crying...more giving out. I stroke her and she will drop off for about 30 seconds and then wakes. This continues for an hour or two until she is full on screaming (and clawing at me) and I am pacing the room with her. I do try and give her the bottle on and off throughout this time. It is very hard to see her so distressed.

OP posts:
colditz · 08/05/2011 21:35

Funnys, ds2 didn't get into a 'bad routine' and make my life hard. When I gave up putting him to bed at 7 and forcing naps on him, he stopped crying completely, and he went into his own cot naturally at 8 months old. We were both much happier for having him not screaming the house down because he didn't want to sleep and ddin't want to be put down, so I stopped trying to make him sleep and stopped putting him down. Once he got mobile, he wanted to be put down (of course. It is every small child's aim to destroy investigate whatever they can)

colditz · 08/05/2011 21:37

tomorrow, don't put her in the bedroom, keep her downstairs, and cuddle her on your lap. The tv will keep you occupied anyway. Put the subtitles on if she's screaming. keep her with you and see what happens.

Look at it this way, what you are doing isn't working for you, so don't be scared to not do it any more.

RitaMorgan · 08/05/2011 21:38

Vicky - would she settle if you just kept her downstairs with you in the evening, let her snooze on your lap in front of the TV?

Original poster
VickyVan75 · 08/05/2011 21:40

Thanks colditz. I think you are right. I tried to keep her up about a month ago and it seemed to make her worse but maybe now it might be different. I will try tomorrow.

OP posts:
RobynLou · 08/05/2011 21:41

my 3m old won't feed to sleep (that's what my older child did for months) so she sucks on my little finger while I rock her, it takes a while, then I hold her for a long while before I put her down so as she's totally a sleep.

ballstoit · 08/05/2011 21:41

The thing is too, that the more you anticipate the distress she'll get into, the more tense you become, then she picks up on it and you're in a vicious cycle.

I'd agree with Colditz, cuddle up on the sofa, munch some chocolate and enjoy your baby. She won't be a baby for long, enjoy the moment.

RobynLou · 08/05/2011 21:42

and when I put her down it's into her moses basket in the living room, she doesn't go upstairs until we do. the noise of the tv keeps her asleep!

FunnysInTheGarden · 08/05/2011 21:42

You do what works for you and your baby. With both of mine a few minutes crying was all it took to get them to sleep the whole night (feeds excepted). DS2 is 15 months and sleeps from 7pm until 7am generally with a feed at about 11pm. Whatever works for you.

B4Beatrice · 08/05/2011 21:48

You mentioned she falls asleep and then wakes up.

Have you tried swaddling her?

I swaddled DD at 3 months and it was a miracle, I would feed and rock her to sleep in the swaddle then put her down. It ment she didn't really move when I put her in the cot, she didn't feel the cold sheets and she didn't startle herself awake.

Wharn we started I dint actually use a swaddle, I just wrapped her tightly in a blanket and tucked the end in.

Sorry if this has been mentioned and good luck.

bubbleymummy · 08/05/2011 21:49

Funnys, I'm not sure I agree that a child wants/needs to be left alone. Surely that would go against basic survival instincts given their vulnerability at that age?

sprinkles77 · 08/05/2011 21:49

4 months is too young for controlled crying. You can do a more age appropriate version where you go in every 5 minutes or so just to reassure baby that you're there, you love her, and it's bed time now so you're going to let her put herself to sleep.
It does sound like you are having a rotten time, I really feel for you both. Does she feed ok? Could she have colic or reflux? Would she be happier sleeping on her front (my son would not sleep on his back)? How is she if some else looks after her?
Maybe she is just a "wakeybaby". Have you tried not putting her down for naps? Maybe she's too worked up to sleep well, then gets over tired from not sleeping enough. Maybe just one sleep in the day would work better, if nothing else it might mean less crying. I do suspect that this is overtiredness, and a very difficult vicous circle.
I know that Gina Ford is not popular with lots of parents, however, she does have useful things to say, and her methods work for some families, including mine.
This will pass, and you'll look back and wonder how you coped, but you will and you'll both be fine.

kingbeat23 · 08/05/2011 21:50

I remember this stage only too well and thought that routine was the key...but, as colditz says, if this routine is working then try something different.

My mum and my sis both used CC. I felt awful doing it, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't XDP didn't want to co-sleep so that was out.

Now, I have chilled out somewhat to how I see my routine, and I am glad I am the only one parenting if only for this.

Try different methods at different times, I would second the sling and I would try not putting DC in the cot. DD hated her cot, wanted contact and reassurance to go to sleep...use the withdraw and retreat method. but when she has gone to sleep move out of the room...keep going back until she sleeps, if she doesn't sling and get on with your life.

This too shall pass...the growth spurt will happen and the solids will come, then too shall come some sleep...then you getting teething! enjoy Grin

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