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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want the child down the road loitering in my garden all the time?

118 replies

yoshiLunk · 07/05/2011 10:58

Her family moved in a couple of months ago, have said hello a few times, she seems to be always out in the road (a quiet close) but more and more recently she is hanging around outside our house.

She drops her bike in our drive or on our lawn and just sits there playing with the gravel or the grass. One time I saw her climbing the lamp-post in my neighbour's garden.

Yesterday she knocked on the door to ask if my DCs would be out on their bikes, they are 6 and 3 and the only time they've really played out front is with me when learning to ride their bikes. I told her they were having breakfast and then were going out, which we were, so off she went. As soon as we were home she was back, didn't knock, but just sat on our drive.

This morning she's out there barking like a dog so I looked out to see what the noise was and she says "well, are they coming out today?" I made an excuse about the rain, and she went and again came back sat on the drive howling like a dog.

Sorry this is going on a bit isn't it..

The long and the short of it is how do I get her to go away without upsetting her or her family?

Come to think of it I'm a bit annoyed that her Mum is allowing her to do it.

I should say she's around 9 or 10, and does have older siblings.

OP posts:

Original poster

yoshiLunk · 09/05/2011 12:35

I agree chickens , I get the feeling there's a good reason she's out of her mother's hair the front all the time.

OP posts:

kitkatya · 09/05/2011 12:37

What are her parents like? I do feel for her. Does she go to school?

DreamingOfABump · 09/05/2011 14:53

she sounds like a pain in the arse. I think you handled it very well. I think you have to just be clear and insistant as she seems to have selective hearing. my husband has this too- its very common ;)

lieseylou · 09/05/2011 15:15

I think you've done well to be clear with her. Hopefully she'll get the idea of being allowed to play when you're out with them and eventually learn to appreciate it when she does get to play with them.
There's a 9 year old down the end of our road who thinks I'm mean not to let my 18month old play out with her. She insists she can look after him without me but I stubbornly refuse! She's been round to 'play' a couple of times but I have to be really firm with her when I want her to go.

LucyGoose · 09/05/2011 16:24

Wow - sounds like a child who has not boundaries and wants everything to go her way. Prob best to avoid her from now and be firm about saying no!

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 09/05/2011 17:44

Her parents need to either make sure she's got friends around (playdates) or entertain her themselves.

Popbiscuit · 09/05/2011 18:12

She sounds a bit bossy but I'm sure she's harmless. I just can't understand why her parents haven't told her about not pestering the neighbours? If I know my 9 year old is playing out I will check on her from time to time to make sure she's still playing with friends (but then we have lots of girls her age on the street). I wouldn't allow her to loiter on other people's property, waiting for people to come home etc. She knows to ring the doorbell to ask if a friend can come out to play, if not she has to come home and occupy herself otherwise.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the age gap. My daughter is 9 and plays beautifully (most of the time) with my 6 and 4 year old sons but I can see how the age gap would not work well in terms of riding bikes or things like that. It sounds like you did the right thing by giving her clear boundaries. If her persistence continues, perhaps a friendly chat with the parents might just remind them to remind her about respecting people's space?

I think it also has to do with a difference in parenting styles. We have a family across the street who allow their 6 year old boy to play out and "interact" with the neighbours all the time; they never check on him or play with him. It ends up that any of the other parents on the street who are outside spending time with their kids end up babysitting / disciplining/ entertaining this child ( he doesn't play all that nicely with other kids and is often riding his bike in the road etc.).

janeybo · 09/05/2011 18:36

I think you've done well here and don't deserve any of the criticism aimed at you for showing concern. But I would say if you give this girl an inch she'll take a mile. So be careful about encouraging her too much otherwise she may feel she can join in with whatever you are doing or not doing whether or not you want her to and or whether or not it is convenient.
She sounds like a bad influence on your kids and you probably have your own social circle and interests.
I wonder why some people have kids if they can't be bothered with them. I wouldn't like to think that one of my children was so lonely they were sitting outside the neighbours houses feeling sorry for herself, making strange noises and harrassing them.
But clearly the parents aren't bothered where she is or what she is doing as long as she is not under their feet. But this is their problem not yours.

My DS 7and we are continually harrassed by two 7 year olds from school who are shoved out of the house come rain or shine. They think my DS should have the same unlimited freedom they have and don't like it that he dosn't so get confrontational with me. My DS wasn't bothered about going out but they have sewn the seed so he now thinks I am being unreasonable.

florencedougal · 09/05/2011 18:59

she sounds like the ratbag who used to live next door to me who I seemed to get palmed off with on a daily basis. She was one of those who kept saying "but why" everytime i said anything.

Was a horrible child to boot, so when I went away for the weekend I told my mum not to let the kids play with her. My mother, being the soul of discretion, bellowed out" Dont go playing with Arabella, you know your mum said thats not allowed!"

consequently the next door neighbour had the arse for the rest of the time we lived there

LucyGoose · 09/05/2011 18:59

What's this new thing with children under 10 being confrontational with adults?! We never spoke back to adults or questioned if they told us our little friends could not come out.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 09/05/2011 22:20

I think she sound like a very unhappy little girl.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 09/05/2011 22:24

I don't expect anyone else to look after my children, however I think there is a lot to be said for the old adage "It takes a village to raise a child".

BendyBob · 09/05/2011 22:37

I absolutely can't be doing with confrontational/persistant children who won't accept no. I think it's blimmin rude.

We had one next door a few years ago. We used to get cross examined whenever we went out or came back and so did anyone visiting us; our shopping was inspected when unloading it from the car; she even started getting one of my dc (baby) out of her car seat for me and was trying to carry her . You had to crow bar her out of the front door or she'd be in. We were also informed by her and her mother that she was more than capable of 'looking after' my older dd who was around 3 at the time.

She was in short a proper little madam and her mother seemed to be quite proud of it. Relief all round when the family moved tbh.

SindyTellsMe · 09/05/2011 22:58

We had a similar problem when we first moved in here 5 years ago. We started inviting the girl in, later babysitting her, taking her out on day trips etc.

Then her Mum started letting herself into our house without knocking, but worst of all, sending her DD to play in our garden when she had to go out - without checking with us. I had to do a very sharp about-turn and start a zero tolerance policy, it was uncomfortable and me and the other mum are still very frosty about it. The other girl still calls for my DD about 20 times a week, but have told DD that she needn't go out unless she really wants to as DD comes home crying about once a month as the other girl has tried to get her to do something she shouldn't (e.g. leave our close) and then teased her. (Other girl's 2 years older.)

OP, she does sound lonely, but I think you've been quite inclusive so far. It's important to keep clear boundaries. It would be dishonest to pretend to offer more than you are able to give. Bear in mind though that an older, pushier friend could be a real help to your DC in a couple of years...

janeybo · 10/05/2011 09:49

I think 'push off' would be more appropriate for the time being. Unless you want her over at yours all the time? I was really nice to the boy plaguing us gave him his tea, drinks & snacks. Let him come in to play when it was raining etc. He was a 'why' child 'why' isn't he allowed to do this that and the other (basically behave like a teenager at 7, he caused fights & arguments between my ds & dd and really started to get my back up. He ended up coming round more & more often & earlier & earlier & frequently at mealtimes and bedtime. At first I felt sorry for him as parents split up & mum wasn't particularly interested in him. But he ended up being a giant pain in the bum coming round at 9am in holidays and trying to sabotage any plans we had. He even started hurting my ds's friends at school.
His mum is running a business from home so she was happy to hang round the house most of the time and even happier when her child was out the house irrespective if where he was at and what he was doing. He also took to phoning us from mums mobile asking us where we were and when we would be back several times on a day out or whilst on holiday etc. It's got beyond a joke. Last night i politely and firmly said no. I would honestly nip it in the bud as nicely as possible and if need be have a little word with her mum. It's basically harrasment in your own home.

Original poster

yoshiLunk · 10/05/2011 10:02

Some of your scenarios are scaring me , thank you for the warnings, she does indeed seem the pushy type and 'give an inch, she'll take a mile' .

I like my life/family routine the way it is and really don't want to be taking in a stray, I will most definitely be keeping her at arms length. Thank you all.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo72 · 10/05/2011 12:01

I have only read the first and last page of this but YANBU.

This child is not your responsibility and if your instinct tells you that you don't want your own children playing with her then go with that!

DoMeDon · 10/05/2011 12:10

I would speak to her parents. Explain how ofetn she knocks and sits on your lawn. Tell them she is welcome to play when you are out but they are too small to go in the main road. I feel sorry for her - some boundaries would be good.

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