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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the child down the road loitering in my garden all the time?

118 replies

yoshiLunk · 07/05/2011 10:58

Her family moved in a couple of months ago, have said hello a few times, she seems to be always out in the road (a quiet close) but more and more recently she is hanging around outside our house.

She drops her bike in our drive or on our lawn and just sits there playing with the gravel or the grass. One time I saw her climbing the lamp-post in my neighbour's garden.

Yesterday she knocked on the door to ask if my DCs would be out on their bikes, they are 6 and 3 and the only time they've really played out front is with me when learning to ride their bikes. I told her they were having breakfast and then were going out, which we were, so off she went. As soon as we were home she was back, didn't knock, but just sat on our drive.

This morning she's out there barking like a dog so I looked out to see what the noise was and she says "well, are they coming out today?" I made an excuse about the rain, and she went and again came back sat on the drive howling like a dog.

Sorry this is going on a bit isn't it..

The long and the short of it is how do I get her to go away without upsetting her or her family?

Come to think of it I'm a bit annoyed that her Mum is allowing her to do it.

I should say she's around 9 or 10, and does have older siblings.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 07/05/2011 16:15

Sorry, I thought you were meaning you'd never seen children being dogs for an extended period.

MoonGirl1981 · 07/05/2011 16:20

No, my son used to pretend he was a dog, only for a few minutes at a time and only panting with front 'paws' up, no barking. Usually when he was waiting for a meal!

It's the sitting at the end of the drive alone and howling I seem unable to recover from. I have quite a detailed mental picture by now (OP's front garden is gorgeous - a riot of expensive flowers).

Do passerbys not stop and ask if she's alright??

dittany · 07/05/2011 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doings · 07/05/2011 16:24

If they've just moved in next door, she's probably used to spending time out the front of her old house playing with the kids next door and assumed it'd be the same in her new house.

Maybe she played 'dog howling' with her old mates, at her last house.

Mum next door is just hoping you'll oblige and let her make new friends to keep her from moping about the house.

You, however, are under no such obligation. Give it time. She might not be as weird as you think.

Original poster
yoshiLunk · 07/05/2011 16:26

Grin I didn't ignore her Dittany, I opened the door to see what was going on this time and she said 'well, where are they?'

next you'll be setting the scene that she was there in rags in the pouring rain, scraping and pawing at the door and I still ignored her....

you're getting a bit carried away with this

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 07/05/2011 16:27

Dd2 sits alone howling like a dog. She has been a dog for a whole day once. Sometimes she manages to persuade the actual dogs to howl along with her Angry

Maybe this child is immature for her age and that is why your 6yo appeals to her. Dd1 has lots of friends older than her. She has never come to any harm. I believe it is good for her to learn to mix with people of different ages.

Is this child the only other child on the close bar your two?

bibbitybobbityhat · 07/05/2011 16:31

Has anyone suggested you go and talk to her parents and explain what is going on, explain that your children do not play out in the front, and ask them to ask her not to sit in your front garden all day. That's what I would do. It would give you a chance to say hello to them, too.

MoonGirl1981 · 07/05/2011 16:31

If she asks again just tell her that they're too young to come out to play and suggest kindly that her mum may be wondering where she is.

You're not being horrid by ignoring her while she sits and howls (still can't get over that), so don't be made to feel bad about it.

Original poster
yoshiLunk · 07/05/2011 16:37

There's one girl opposite her who I think must be about 14 now and does't play out front anymore - and that's it no other youngsters, mostly elderly curtain twitchers very lovely observant neighbours.

okay, thanks everyone, I've had lots of good suggestions, - I think I'll duck out for now before this goes too weird.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 07/05/2011 17:02

Dittany, this is just a polite enquiry, but do you have children?
They can be relentless and annoying and downright weird to others without being abused.

dittany · 07/05/2011 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 17:15

I would have thought if there were no other children in your quiet little close, you would be happy that a new child had arrived who could be friends with your 6yo.

Goblinchild · 07/05/2011 17:16

'I don't know, you have an obviously very unhappy child (why would she rather be sitting alone on her neighbours drives than at home wth her family), who is behaving in a worrying way (barking and howling), and all someone can think about is how to get her off their drive, not what might be troubling her.'

My bad, I inferred it from this post, but you didn't use 'abused'. She may just be very bored and attention-seeking rather than troubled and behaving in a worrying way.
But do you have children?

Ripeberry · 07/05/2011 17:28

I'm surprised no other kids play at being dogs, lions or horses. My DD1 is almost 9yrs old and most days she is playing at being a lion and at school involves the other kids in 'horses' where they pretend to be running wild and the other kids have to catch them.

Bit weird to say it's to do with Dementia Hmm

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/05/2011 17:37

Well I bet you wished you hadn't asked now!! FWIW, I don't think YABU. It would irritate me. Fair enough, she might be bored/lonely etc, but that's not actually your problem, is it. I totally agree with your reasons for wanting your children to play in the back garden, and I live in the middle of nowhere with no cars anyway and I STILL freak at the thought (OCD behaviour alert....)

So I hope you find a good solution. Maybe a kindly word about them not being allowed out without you yet because they're too young, and how that situation isn't going to change any time soon. Good lucki.

(and my DS2 is 4 and makes like a screeching alien. All. The. Time. Don't know about neighbours (if we had any...) but it bugs ME sometimes! Grin

YoureInMySystemBaby · 07/05/2011 17:58

Just food for thought - when I was a 9/10 year old girl, I used to like playing with younger children to 'look after them' and just generally be nurturing and helpful and I guess in a way, practicing my maternal skills..

As a parent of an 8 year old boy, we have a 6 year old boy next door has NEVER been allowed to play out. I don't get it. My son is a perfectly friendly little guy and just wants to kick a football around - why his snooty mother won't let him is BEYOND me, then again, she is actually snooty and refuses to even say thank you when we take in parcels for her and rop them round (she's also a Dr. if that adds to anything? lol).

We also have a 6 year old girl at the top of the street who always plays with my son - she's very tom-boyish, loves bike riding, has horses, loves scooters and digging in mud - they're firm friends.

My other next door neighbour has a 9 year old girl who plays out occasionally and a 7 year old boy who she, for some reason, molly-coddles - sometimes he can play out, other times he can't - again she must have her own reasons..

Anyway, from the other end of the scenario.. I guess you could call me the mother of a 'loiterer' and if I found out one of my neighbours had such a view of my son, I'd rip off their head and spit in their neck...

Seriously, she's a child. Kids loiter.. sounds harmless to me... Erm, in a word - get over yourself lol.

I'll probably get flamed, but meh.

YoureInMySystemBaby · 07/05/2011 18:05

Well, I mean obviously I wouldn't actually rip off their heads and really spit in their necks pahaha. But I'd rant and rave to my hubby for at least a good hour about the whole scenario...

Original poster
yoshiLunk · 07/05/2011 18:14

Have you actually read any of what I've written? Where the hell from anything I've written get angry enough to say if I found out one of my neighbours had such a view of my son, I'd rip off their head and spit in their neck...

Fuck's sake - get over yourself lol yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
yoshiLunk · 07/05/2011 18:16

Thanks for your life story though

OP posts:
skeletonbones · 07/05/2011 18:41

I used to spend hours and hours pretending to be a dog, every single day when I was 10 :D I dont even like dogs now aged 30 (well I dont mind them in the abstract, but i dont want to own one and pick up its poos every day) so I assume I grew out of it rather than developed dementia Hmm I guess little doggie girl probably saw your children and liked the look of them, and like others have said maybe used to live on a road where there were lots of children to play out as expects her new place to be like this.
I think be direct rather than vague with her and say your kids are too little to play out if you dont want her hanging around. or if you want ot be kind and neighbourly invite her it to play for half an hour and see how it goes, maybe your children will like having an older playmate, and looking to the future an older child who is fond of your children can be very helpfull, my eldest is going to senior school in sept, and knowing other older kids that go is reasuring for her, as they have said they will look out for her on the first day ect)

YoureInMySystemBaby · 07/05/2011 18:41

Yes, I've read every word that you've written - girl is loitering and hanging about near/in/on your garden & drive and in a nutshell, you want a polite way to tell her to piss off without upsetting her or her family.

What I'm saying, as the 'family' of an occasionally 'loitering child' is that there really isn't a polite way to put it; I'd be annoyed/upset (a nano second, but I'd be upset) and I'd be wondering why you didn't/wouldn't allow my child to play with your children for even a limited amount of time once or twice a week, irregardless of age difference, moreso the older of your children.

They can converse, therefore they can start to maintain and build a friendship - as in the case of my 8 year old boy and the 6 year old girl at the top of the street.

I was then shedding some light on the situation and giving some perspective that it's not really that odd for a 9 year old to want to play with younger children. Firstly, she just wants SOME form of juvenile interaction and secondly, if she's a girl, she might just be pretty much happy to play with younger children, on their level and just be displaying and practicing her inbuilt maternal instinct - girls play with dolls from young ages.

While obviously your children are very precious to you and not dolls, I fully appreciate this, what harm can she do to play with your children once in a while?

I can see why you'd be annoyed, I really can, but to answer your question, yes, I think you're being somewhat unreasonable.

It was hardly my life story either, most of it relevant as a 'from the other side' perspective.

dittany · 07/05/2011 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idontlikemondays · 07/05/2011 19:04

YANBU... just need to tell her your kids don't play out and that will be the end of it I expect.

If it were me I'd not really want other people's kids hanging about unless it were on my terms...

BendyBob · 07/05/2011 19:24

Yoshi yanbu that would perturb me too. I have a child that keeps hanging round here and she's only 6. I sympathise with her and all that, but mine weren't out at 6 becoming someone else's problem, and she clearly needs more supervision than my own do as mine are older.

We all have different ideas about when is the right time to let children out to play and for me it was a bit older than 6. Now they are out I won't have them being a nuisance to anyone though. The flip side of that is that other children are not my responsibility either; I have enough of my own to cope with.

I think you need to be clear. Just say your dc don't play out yet and please stop calling and sitting in your garden.

Goblinchild · 07/05/2011 19:30

'Saying she's loitering makes her sound like a tramp or a criminal.'

I suppose that perception is why teenagers get regarded so suspiciously, as they have elevated loitering to an art form. Is loitering always seen negatively?
As the OP's children are still very young, she may prefer them to form friendships with a child who doesn't think of hanging around someone else's garden and howling as a reasonable thing to do.
Otherwise her older child may end up roaming the neighbourhood with her new friend if the OP is not constantly on alert.