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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fecked off with DH's attitude to earning?

114 replies

WLBalance · 04/05/2011 11:28

I'll keep this brief.

DH is a freelancer and works away from home. He earns what he considers a substantial daliy rate.

Because of this, he is loathe to miss the possiblity of a day's invoice if at all avoidable.

This lead to him coming home at during the school holidays late one friday evening. We went to on holiday very early on the saturday morning, came back late the sunday a week later and he was back on the road 5am monday morning.

When he's here he's great with the DS's and entertains them so I can have a break.

He wasn't due to work on the 29th April, but then the potential of work happened, so he decided to stay and work that day rather than join in with the extended family plans that we had at home, leaving me to deal with the boys and 12 extra people, just because he doesn't want to miss out on a day's pay.

We're going to have the same scenario in half term when he's arranged to work the saturday (we leave first thing sunday morning) and then he's back to work first thing monday morning.

So AIBU to think there's more to family life than maximising earning potential?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 04/05/2011 11:31

well it depends on whether he is the sole wage earner and whether you need the money..? I guess as he is a free lancer he never knows for sure when the next job will arrive?

gawdblimey · 04/05/2011 11:32

sounds like a hard working man, dont knock it there are enough freeloaders in this world

mumblechum1 · 04/05/2011 11:37

As a freelancer myself, I'll always take the work if at all possible. Not only do you get that work, but you're also likely to be recommended to other potential clients.

discobeaver · 04/05/2011 11:39

I can see you might feel a bit abandoned, but is it just him that's earning? Holidays and family plans have to be paid for, I thought this was going to be about a layabout sponger!

frgr · 04/05/2011 11:41

It depends on so much more than the information you've written here.

If your DH were to annoy a client and turn down work, would it cut into his income a lot? My brother pissed off a major (national brand) dept head one week by refusing to work at short notice, bye bye 50% of his income. Taught him a lot about income distribution from what I've heard, but it took his company quite a while to recover having half its income severed on a 3 month get out clause pretty much overnight.

Is your DH the sole earner? If he were to piss off clients, could you ramp up your earning potential to cover the gap?

What are is longterm plans? Freelancers I've known have either set up their own company and worked like a dog for a few years, steadily building it to retire, or they are generally pretty relaxed and confident in their longterm earning.

What is it that your DH does freelance? Is it seasonally busy? What is the sector's longterm growth like?

There is more to family life than earning potential - I don't think you'll get anyone disagreeing with you there. But it's a loaded question. It depends on the background and circumstances of the individuals involved, and from what you've written no one will be able to tell is YABU here.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 04/05/2011 11:42
Confused

But he took a week off and went away with you at Easter? And he is doing the same at half term?

And you are not working?

And he is a freelancer in this economy simply taking the work when it comes?

Would you prefer he worked for a crap wage per day Confused

Um....

frgr · 04/05/2011 11:42

"We went to on holiday very early on the saturday morning, came back late the sunday a week later and he was back on the road 5am monday morning."

P.s. that doesn't sound unreasonable at all. he had a week off, and commuted back to work on the Monday morning for a full day's freelancing. Not sure what else he was supposed to do? I'm not sure freelancing works like some relaxed offices" Oh i'll be back in around 11 or 12 for a half day"... etc.

Freelancing involves some sacrifices, and some benefits. Surely you and your DH had the discussion weighing them all up before he chose to go freelance? (or continues to do so now you have kids)

Ephiny · 04/05/2011 11:45

I agree it's difficult to comment really as we don't know your financial situation, the nature of his work etc. You need to sit down with him and talk (in a non-accusatory way!) about work-life balance, long term career plans and prospects for both of you.

nijinsky · 04/05/2011 11:46

Depends if you work as well and how demanding your job is. Otherwise, I would say its "your job" to do the family stuff while he is out earning. Its important in these years to maximise your earning potential, and in freelance work, you can get a bad reputation if you turn work down. Nothing wrong with a hard working man!

Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 11:52

Nope, I don't work - we decided that as his earning potential is greater than mine i would take care of child/homecare so he can be free to work whatever hours/location he needs without having home commitments.

No we don't need the money. He could comfortabley work 2/3 days per week and we'd still have a very nice lifestyle.

He's being doing this sort of work for 12 years now and never had a day off that he didn't want to.

I just think it's a shame to work 447/48 weeks a year 5/6 days a week just because "well If I don't work xday I lose 400". It's not losing the money is it? it's just not gaining it? (my perpective)

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/05/2011 11:55

Yes, but we're in a recession so if he only worked 2/3 days per week he may not find the work there again when he needed to look for it.

Bramshott · 04/05/2011 11:55

Unfortunately, with freelancing, it's not that easy to turn work down, because if you do, then they'll probably ask someone else next time.

Most people work 48 weeks a year / 5 or 6 days a week I'm afraid, so for me, I'm afraid YABU.

You seem to be going away a fair bit - might that be part of the problem? Holidays are a lot of additional work to organise (probably the reason I can only be bothered to do it once a year Grin!) - might it be better if he agreed not to work for a week and you stayed at home?

2rebecca · 04/05/2011 11:59

Often if you start turning down work as a freelancer then that work gets offered to someone else and if that someone else does a good job they may get first choice of that work in future, so for many freelancers it isn't just the pay attached to that particular job they are turning down.
Did he want to have 12 people round for the day? If it wasn't his idea he was maybe glad of the chance to escape.

bringmesunshine2009 · 04/05/2011 12:02

YABU, DH doesn't work, doesn't want to work, is chronically unemployed. I work full time, pay all bills, do ALL housework, make 6-12 family meals a week plus washing.

He is in the house until 11am in the morning, he sleeps until around 10.30am gets up, showers plays on You Tube whilst I clean up the breakfast and do the washing. Whereupon he goes to a local cafe to meet his (also unemployed) friends. He will hang out with them until 10-11pm at night and come homewhen we will argue talk for 20 mins before sleeping.

He does look afer DS sometimes. When I was working (now on Mat Leave) he looked after him three days a week. He complained bitterly about doing 'women's work' even though DS was always fed, washed and dressed with a packed lunch and nappy bag before I left. Effectively he would jsut load DS into the car and get his friends to play with him until I came back from work.

Now on mat leave he is happy he can have a 'break' and now does nothing. Maybe takes DS out every few days for a couple hours. So now, no working, no help at home and I am funding us all through maternity pay.

So he is out all day and night EVERY DAY. he has stayed in 6 nights in 2 years (2 when DS was born, 2 when I had ectopic pregnancy, 2 when we had a row). If he was working during those hours rather than loafing about like an overgrown teenager, I would be OVERJOYED.

GloriaSmut · 04/05/2011 12:03

Your DH doesn't sound unreasonable, tbh. You have to be enormously careful about turning down work as a freelance because it goes to someone else. As will the next job. So while he could "easily work 2/3 days per week", that's rarely an option that a freelancer has the luxury of sustaining.

frgr · 04/05/2011 12:03

WLBalance, i understand that you don't need the money

But you appear to be looking at earning potential and job security from a salaried POV

In an office, if you only need 50% of your wages, you can negotiate to work 2.5 days a week

Freelance it doesn't work like that - if a client hired you and only sees you're dedicating XYZ proportion of your time to them (which might be acceptable enough to 99% of people out there) then there's the next freelancer in line who DOES work 5 or 6 days a week to choose from

Cutting 50% of your freelance work time might mean a 90% severence of client contracts.... only your husband will know his own clients enough to see if that's the case here, but it's a pretty normal setup i'd have thought?

i've hired copywriters in the past on behalf of our team (normally freelance, just to cover particularly busy periods or projects) and i have to say i automatically would prefer the ones who work fulltime. if the whole team is working 5 days a week, and i'm having to stay until 8pm to get something finished, I don't want to wait on a Monday email getting answered on Thursday afternoon if they take a 2 day break midweek each week...

Ephiny · 04/05/2011 12:03

"we decided that as his earning potential is greater than mine i would take care of child/homecare so he can be free to work whatever hours/location he needs without having home commitments."

So it sounds like he's doing exactly what you agreed he would Confused. If you're no longer happy with that arrangement then you need to say so and think about other options.

Does he enjoy his work? Does he want to earn as much as possible now so he can retire at a reasonable age? So you have as much savings as possible for later in life/to fund the DC through university or getting started in life? Is it the sort of work where you depend a lot on reputation and staying 'current', so he'd miss out on more than the day's pay if he took a day off? Really only he can tell you what's going on!

OTheHugeManatee · 04/05/2011 12:04

I thought this post was going to be a moan about how your DH doesn't care enough to bother earning enough to support the family and you were frustrated at always being skint. But it seems that you're fed up with him for wanting to earn more and work hard.

I think YAB a bit U.

AppleyEverAfter · 04/05/2011 12:06

I work with a lot of freelancers and a few of them atm have very few shifts lined up, worrying about money and how they'll survive. As long as your DH is taking time off (which you've said he is doing twice within a few months) then I totally understand his commitment to take all the work he can.

And 2rebecca is right about freelancers who turn down work, they get a bad rep or some other more flexible worker will start to get the first dibs on work instead.

Can he not find a more permanent position somewhere if it's really a PITA for you?

frgr · 04/05/2011 12:06

bringmesunshine2009, you sound like you have 2 children not 1, and your workload would be cut if you ditched the DH. sorry. not a happy life or a good role model for your children. i'm assuming your DH has some redeeming qualities, but you didn't mention them.

I don't agree that the OP should basically, as you infer, "be grateful" or put up with it essentially because some women have worse situations.

In 2011, women should think themselves as worth more than that. You deserve more respect. It's a lesson I'm trying damn hard to instill in my own DCs despite a certain segment of society trying to convince them otherwise (women like you and your DH included. sorry).

SlightlyScrambled · 04/05/2011 12:09

Has he any plans to retire early? My BIL is very similar but has a goal in sight for early retirement.

I understand your frustration as I think i'd be the same too. My priority is family first and think that it's not possible to buy back the years with them and they just grow up so quickly.

You know your financial situation better though so I believe you when you say he doesn't have to work. Have you spoken to him about it?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/05/2011 12:12

I'm self employed (partly) and grab work when it comes as I may not get more for a while and I find that being flexible and available at a minutes notice has actually meant I get more work.

discobeaver · 04/05/2011 12:16

Fucking norah, bringmesunshine, I would be doing my nut. Totally and utterly doing my nut. He had better have some brilliantly redeeming features, otherwise what's it going to be like with another child?

Dozer · 04/05/2011 12:21

YABU (WLBalance)

nijinsky · 04/05/2011 12:21

"Nope, I don't work - we decided that as his earning potential is greater than mine i would take care of child/homecare so he can be free to work whatever hours/location he needs without having home commitments."

Well theres your answer. You have a deal and he's doing his part of it yet you want to change it. But why should he be the only one to change? Would you consider going out to work yourself in a salaried position to make up the loss in financial security that his not accepting all the work he's offered would entail?

I think you are looking at this from the pespective of someone who isn't pressurised to earn. I think you would have a different mindset if you were earning yourself.