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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fecked off with DH's attitude to earning?

114 replies

WLBalance · 04/05/2011 11:28

I'll keep this brief.

DH is a freelancer and works away from home. He earns what he considers a substantial daliy rate.

Because of this, he is loathe to miss the possiblity of a day's invoice if at all avoidable.

This lead to him coming home at during the school holidays late one friday evening. We went to on holiday very early on the saturday morning, came back late the sunday a week later and he was back on the road 5am monday morning.

When he's here he's great with the DS's and entertains them so I can have a break.

He wasn't due to work on the 29th April, but then the potential of work happened, so he decided to stay and work that day rather than join in with the extended family plans that we had at home, leaving me to deal with the boys and 12 extra people, just because he doesn't want to miss out on a day's pay.

We're going to have the same scenario in half term when he's arranged to work the saturday (we leave first thing sunday morning) and then he's back to work first thing monday morning.

So AIBU to think there's more to family life than maximising earning potential?

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 04/05/2011 13:33

I really don't get what you're upset about.

He doesn't work during your holidays away, he's earning enough for a comfortable lifestyle and a cushion against things going wrong, he's great with your children, he doesn't work any longer than the average FT employee...

What's not to like?

gawdblimey · 04/05/2011 13:35

we decided that as his earning potential is greater than mine i would take care of child/homecare so he can be free to work whatever hours/location he needs without having home commitments.

so why are you moaning?

Bramshott · 04/05/2011 13:35

OK - I think the OP has got the message now - give her a break!

OP - when you're at home with the DC, and your DH is out working long hours, it can be easy to feel like he's got it easy, and is using his work to get out of pulling his weight at home. But unfortunately that's what real life is like, and few of us are lucky enough to be in an ideal situation.

It sounds like your DH likes what he does, and has enough work to support his family - that's great news, and something to be applauded!

But also it sounds like there are some tensions in your family. When you say your DH "entertains the DSs so I can have a break", sursely he is just being a parent. Do you go out and have time for yourself on the days when he's at home? I think you need to get to the bottom of what is making you feel so unhappy with your 'lot'. Is it because his work isn't predictable, so it's hard to make plans? Is it that you don't get any time for yourself? Is it that DH doesn't pull his weight domestically when his is at home? Is it that you resent having given up your own career? Once you have worked out what it is that's irking you so much about a fairly standard working situation, then you'll be able to talk to your Dh and work out a way forward for all of you.

Balsam · 04/05/2011 13:37

YABU about the holidays - it's normal to work the Friday/Monday around a week off.

YANBU about the bank holiday. If you had arranged to have family over, then he should have stuck to it.

I can see where you're coming from as you're thinking 'why work more than you need to' but he probably sees it as providing for his family.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 04/05/2011 13:39

I too am self employed (though currently on ML). Because the work is variable I rarely turn it down. It is very uncertain being self-employed and income goes up and down. So sorry but I think YABVU!
DH often works long hours but is a salaried employee, and is often on call when we are at home. But he is a very senior manager and earns excellent money. However if he works more hours he doesn't earn more. This is probably same for many other men and women in senior positions and is worse than the situation you and your DH are in. However I don't moan and complain about the extra hours DH does as it as accepted as part of his role and will allow him to continue to progress and earn more money in the future.

frgr · 04/05/2011 13:41

"when you're at home with the DC, and your DH is out working long hours"

But he isn't working long hours from what info we've been given, Bramshott. he's working a cushy fulltime job from what i can tell e.g. getting the full week off without having to check emails or take a laptop home, multiple holidays close together, no emergency callout for work - he's not doing an exceptional amount of work from what I can see?

I don't think OP has any idea what normal working families are like tbh - all that nonsense about getting back from holiday on a Sunday and then (oh my!) having to commute at 5am the next morning for work. Real world anyone?

Laquitar · 04/05/2011 13:46

If you are freelancer and you turn down a job you don't lose £400. Maybe you lose £4k or more. Because the client will go somewhere else and will not come back. And maybe the client was about to recomend you to 5 friends and now he wont. So it is not £400.

It is very stressful to be fleelancer and the only earner in the family at the same time.

Laquitar · 04/05/2011 13:49

Some people go from the airport straight to work.

LDNmummy · 04/05/2011 13:57

YABU OP. Bringmesunshine why are you still with this man exactly??

Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 13:58

Nope, I'm not a princess. Hmm

frgr, DH never works less than a 10 hour day - most days atm he arrives at the place of work at 6 and leaves at 7. Then has an hour's journey to the hotel.

He takes his laptop on holiday (to my chagrin) and nowhere have I implied his job is cushy. He is lucky in that he enjoys his work, but certainly works damn hard at it.

Multiple holidays close together? A week away in Wales at Easter, and a week in Cornwall at half-term? I'm afraid I have no control over the school holidays and how they fall, yes, these holidays are 5 weeks apart, but that doesn't mean we go away every five weeks.

Thanks for your support Bramshott.

No I don't resent giving up my own career - things have changed in my industry greatly since I left 8 years ago, and I have no inclination to go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 14:04

I think I've muddied the water really by putting too mcuh info up there in OP.

It's his attitude of "every day I don't work costs us money" that I struggle with.

Surely one of the main things to do (as we do) when you are self-employed is have the knowledgde that every day you're not invoicing, you're not earing, and in some cases (eg holidays) your spednig extra, but you should be apportioning the money you do "earn" in a year over the 52 weeks so that it's not so tense when you can't invoice for that day. Almost treating it like a salried job iyswim?

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 04/05/2011 14:08

Bringme I just read your post at 12:50 andin all honesty thought two things:

  1. Low self esteem
  2. Creating reasons to stay with a rubbish partner which ties into the low self esteem

Sorry, just being honest.

You realise fathers can work and STILL have an extremely close bond with their children right? You said yourself you are taking on more of the home responsibilities than he is. Couldn't he at least take on a part time position somewhere and still have time your DC when he isnt working?

And everything expatinscotland, baloonslayer and frgr have said.

Sorry to hijack thread OP, just had to comment on this one.

Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 14:08

I'm not explaining this very well, sorry.

For example - if he earns say £52,000 for 48 weeks work, then he needs to be satisfied with that.

So it apportiones out to £1,000pw.

rather than thinking I earn £1083 per week and not working today is costing me X amount of money and getting antsy about it.

It's that attitude I'm struggling with, but as I said my Op wasn't clear about what was bothering me.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/05/2011 14:24

I agree that if you are self employed you do need to base your annual salary around having 4-7 weeks where you earn nothing and are on holiday. The trouble is that if you turn a week's work down you can't be sure there will be lots of weeks later on in the year to make up for it, plus you seemed not to realise that for most people who work full time they finish work on the Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend and restart the Monday morning after they get back, that's how full time employment works. If you wanted him to have a week and a half's holiday you should have clarified that in advance.

discobeaver · 04/05/2011 14:31

Would it help if he gave himself a set number of days as holiday each year, like a salaried position would? Then those days are non earning from the outset. I guessits hard with freelance though to know if he turns one job down if and when he will get the next one.
If he's been doing it for 12 years though it must be fairly stable and he must have a good contact network?
I can see it must be frustrating if he sees time with you as time not earning -I guess you are feeling that you are worth less than his work?
But he also has to provide for you, so he will be seeing it as working for you all I suppose.
Sorry useless response really!

GandTiceandaslice · 04/05/2011 14:33

YABU.
But I totally get you with the money obsession. My dh is obsessed with saving money.
Bringmesunshine, your "d"p sounds like a right charmer. Hmm

FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 14:35

You dont understand the concept do you that if he turns down work one day, that could have repercussions further along the line that people won't use him again because he can't fit them in, isn't flexible.

If he turned down work as regularly as you would like him to he would'nt have the earning potential he does now.

Seriously if you want him to cut down on the work, get yourself to work so he can relax and earn less.

Bramshott · 04/05/2011 14:41

I would be that the money thing is a convenient shorthand for "I like my work and want to do it as much as possible, within reason". Many people do enjoy their work and want to work more, there's nothing bad about that. As everyone else has said, many freelancers are also (rightly) very hesitant about turning down work.

Re the holidays - might it be easier if you only went away once or twice a year? I must admit that I can only summon up the energy for a family holiday once a year, and we usually go Sunday - Friday so that we have some time to get ready beforehand and recover.

Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 14:51

He's not "turning down one day".

He's works short term contracts - 6 monthsish and he's has the ability to say I have holidays booked for XX days and then the company gets agency staff to come in and cover the bare minimum of his work - so it has no impact within each contract on his capacity to contunie working. Obviously he does not take the mickey and muck them about, but each co he has worked for expects time off to be taken for holidays etc - they do not expect him to work 5/6 days a week for 6ish months with no break.

OP posts:
Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 14:52

Me going out to work would have no impact on his mentality!!!!!!

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 04/05/2011 14:54

This approach to working is quite typical amongst those I know who do contracts.

Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 14:55

He would still think - "I'm sitting at home/on the beach/at a friend's house while I could be earing £400".

And my capacity to earn would have no impact on that way of thinking. If I went out for work the only impact it would have is the availablity of a parent on my DC, and increasing our income by approx 10% which would be swallowed up in childcare costs to a dgree.

OP posts:
Original poster
WLBalance · 04/05/2011 14:56

Yup Marsha.

Sad
OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 04/05/2011 14:58

Aw I know, some of my friends really have to push for holiday time too. I suppose the only up side is the rate is generally higher than for salary.

FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 15:03

You need to discuss this with him then, tell him that you want him to take days off for family gatherings and an extra day after you have been on holiday.