to be fecked off with DH's attitude to earning?

[WLBalance]

I'll keep this brief.

DH is a freelancer and works away from home. He earns what he considers a substantial daliy rate.

Because of this, he is loathe to miss the possiblity of a day's invoice if at all avoidable.

This lead to him coming home at during the school holidays late one friday evening. We went to on holiday very early on the saturday morning, came back late the sunday a week later and he was back on the road 5am monday morning.

When he's here he's great with the DS's and entertains them so I can have a break.

He wasn't due to work on the 29th April, but then the potential of work happened, so he decided to stay and work that day rather than join in with the extended family plans that we had at home, leaving me to deal with the boys and 12 extra people, just because he doesn't want to miss out on a day's pay.

We're going to have the same scenario in half term when he's arranged to work the saturday (we leave first thing sunday morning) and then he's back to work first thing monday morning.

So AIBU to think there's more to family life than maximising earning potential?

I agree with morloth. Think of all the contractors /self employed people who live the good life for a while and then get into difficulties or go under. It's a huge pressure/ lack of security.
Op- I really don't understand why you struggle so much with your dh working the day before and after holidays! You have two boys- same here- and I do all the packing before, and washing after, our holidays, and i work most days, its really not a big deal. We agree that as my dh works full time and has the main pressure of earning, I will take on most of the domestic side. In your case you don't even work at all so I can't see the problem. Try to put yourself in the scenario where your dh starts to lose contracts, interest rates go up, and you start to struggle. Your dh will then need to carry on working just as hard PLUS he'll be asking you to get a job too. I bet you'd be complaining even more then.
If you are really unhappy and feel the situation is not sustainable then the only thing you can do is offer a reasonable alternative- as has been said. Get out earning yourself so that you have a Plan B in place.

This is one of the reasons I've gone back to work although we can cope on just DH's wage - he's currently 'in house' and salaried after being self-employed contractor. I'm keeping my job going for the next year or two part time, then I'll go full time when he wants to go contracting again (when DS is a little older) - the money contracting is far more than the money in-house, and we don't need my wage now, (so certainly won't need it when he's contracting), but DH needs the mental safety net that if his contract gets cancelled/next job doesn't happen, I'd be able to cover the mortgage and the bills/basic food shop.

The fact he will also only go contracting when we've got savings equal to 6 months mortgage & bills is irrelivant, he found the stress last time too much (we couldn't live off what I was earning back then). When I was on mat leave and now only working PT, there's no way he'd consider it, he can't handle the fear of it all going wrong.

OP - that's a long winded way of saying, even if financially you family doesn't need you to work, having a guaranteed income each month from your salary might make it easier for him to relax and switch off.

Exactly. Of several of our friends who have gone contracting in recent years, about half have returned to salaried employment. There are upsides and downsides to both- the main downside of contracting being the pressure of the lack of long term security. Its also not just about having enough money NOW- its paying tax, paying enough into pension funds, allowing for mortgage rises .....

Just to add - just realised that looks quite insulting to my DH about not being able to handle the stress/fear - it's more of a compliment really, he's not prepared to take a risk with our family stability just so he can have a more interesting/better paid career. After reading on here about the number of woman in relationships with complete fuckwits who think the world owes them a living, I've got a lot of respect for his responsible attitude!

Yeah I don't think I would be able to mentally rely on contract work as the only income. Too variable for me.

DH could make a crazy amount contracting, but what if it is 6 months on 6 months off etc? What if he is ill?

I think his plan is to contract instead of retire once the kids are older, we have paid down the mortgage and I am back at work.

Agree. I am increasing my career so dh can build more risk into his (and hopefully reward).

Friends of dh contractors find it stressful too. Even though the financial reward has been huge. One just got a salaried job on same rate, so the experience accumulated can be fast and good.

Also to add that since I split from ex and have sole responsibility for paying stuff (ex is / was salaried) I am even more paranoid now! So if he has all theweight is on his shouldders I can understand his feeling of panic

Thanks for your compassion on here, those with similar working experinces. I think I shall try to not get strung up about it as much - it's a life we have chosen and I guess in the grand scheme of things it's actually working out quite well.

Just a couple of things though:

spiderlegs - "Do you work OP??" erm, Can you read??

poncey - I think that was a badly worded sentence of mine - I was trying to say - he has never struggled for work - the only days he's been off are days he "wants" to take off, rather than forced to take off due to lack of contracts. iyswim?

lyneham - I actually have 4 DSs, from 4 to 10. I don't work as have not as yet been able to find a job that I can do from 9:15 to 3, 39 weeks a year, that will allow me to be flexible for illnesses, plays etc. I have no support and childcare for 4 would certainly cost me more than I can earn as well as bring in the logistical nightmares listed above.

Someone said further up that you maybe need to be more explicit about when you need him to be available to you.

I am in a similar position with my DH, but he had to change because we had a child with special needs. iIworK PT and essentially so does he because we both need to be flexible to incorparate hospital stays.
It took us 2 years and near divorce before we worked it out and the biggest thing was being explicit about what i needed from him. When i needed his financial support but also when i needed him to be physically here for the DS's. He felt he was contributing more by working and i really needed to spell it out that sometimes he needed to be a parent.

I think you've answered your question then.

Swings and roundabouts isn't it? If you are only prepared to work between 9.15 and 3, 39 weeks of the year, then be grateful your DH works hard enough to support you all. Paying for childcare and working out the logistics is part and parcel of having kids. But if you choose to be at home and supported by your DH, then I think it's a bit much to complain at having to do the packing for holidays alone etc!

Can i ask who pays for these holidays, Maube you expect too much for the money he earns and he has no choice. have you thought of that!!!!, he will prob worry himself all the time about this and will be gutted at not spending time with the fam, but moneymakes the world go round and with out it you will not have you holidays

Having read your last post, OP, I think your situation is not uncommon where a woman partners a man who has massively more earning potential. It's easy to feel that your own career is very much the poor relation. It's interesting that you mention childcare costs, as clearly you could afford it out of your overall income, as you mention early in the thread that your DH could work two or three days a week and you'd still have a nice lifestyle.

But the problem is, you are looking at the small amount you could earn compared to your DH, and calculating childcare costs out of your income alone.

I think it's often very difficult to wives in this position to take their own work life seriously enough, which is a shame. I do think, if you want a long term shift in your DH's work patterns, it's only going to come about if you are able to step up though, and relieve some of that pressure. He would then be in a position to step up more at home

Hi WLBalance, I can understand that with 4 DS between ages 4 to 10 and you at home, that you would want him to be a "part" of family life. That's what I meant by having ground rules. I make sure that I "compartmentalise" my work and family life, otherwise the workaholic in me would be the be all and end all. My dh finds this a lot harder naturally, because while he is salaried, they expect their pound of flesh from him for his bonus so its almost like being self employed. If I let him, he would be a total workaholic and we wouldn't spend quality time together as a couple or as a family. So our agreed "rules" are around having a date night once a week which he is not allowed to cancel, agreeing at the beginning of the year when we are going on holiday and how long for, and expectations on how often I expect him to come back and do bed time stories etc. You might want to think about having a similar "lighter" discussion for what works for you, but I think the key is to recognise the pressures he is under (both real and self inflicted), be supportive but at the same feel supported, but appropriately so bearing in mind the pressures he is under.

I've got work that enables me to work broadly within school hours, taking off the days that I want, when I want to.

I'm self employed. It's new, it's pretty much covering things financially, but it's hairy at times. I am now on my own too.

I don't get paid if I don't work. Only days I've been off for the last couple of weeks have been the bank holidays.

You have 4 DS, you are not working, and he is supporting all of you, it's a big responsibility, however you look at it. I know full well if that were me, the choice between sitting watching other people get married or earn £400 would be very simple.

Can you plan your weeks off at the beginning of the year and he stick to them? Then as novice says have ONE day in the month that you agree to do something and he has to commit to it. Things like the royal wedding are nice to haves, but tbh, it's something you can work around, and need to be prepared for. IF H can make it, it's a bonus, but you have to manage your own expectations that if he can make the money, he will.

Even if you were working, he'd probably still choose to work, it's the immediacy of it. Don't take it as a snub to you, it's not at all.