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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fecked off with DH's attitude to earning?

114 replies

WLBalance · 04/05/2011 11:28

I'll keep this brief.

DH is a freelancer and works away from home. He earns what he considers a substantial daliy rate.

Because of this, he is loathe to miss the possiblity of a day's invoice if at all avoidable.

This lead to him coming home at during the school holidays late one friday evening. We went to on holiday very early on the saturday morning, came back late the sunday a week later and he was back on the road 5am monday morning.

When he's here he's great with the DS's and entertains them so I can have a break.

He wasn't due to work on the 29th April, but then the potential of work happened, so he decided to stay and work that day rather than join in with the extended family plans that we had at home, leaving me to deal with the boys and 12 extra people, just because he doesn't want to miss out on a day's pay.

We're going to have the same scenario in half term when he's arranged to work the saturday (we leave first thing sunday morning) and then he's back to work first thing monday morning.

So AIBU to think there's more to family life than maximising earning potential?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 04/05/2011 12:22

bringmesunshine....? why are you with him? just that really...why???

FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 12:27

Well I shall go with the majority and say you are being unreasonable. If you want him home more get yourself a full time job so he can ease off a bit, as it is he is putting himself at risk of a heart attack all that work and stress, and all you can do about it is moan that the man is willing to push himself and do the best he can for his family.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2011 12:29

YABU.

bringmesunshine, why are you allowing this parasite to sponge off you?

BalloonSlayer · 04/05/2011 12:33

"He's being doing this sort of work for 12 years now and never had a day off that he didn't want to."

  • well that's your clue.

He didn't want to be off on the Royal Wedding day with a crowd of people all going "oooh isn't she lovely." And he absolutely doesn't want to be off on the day before you go on holiday because that's when all the packing has to be done and all the stressing about what you're taking. Ditto the day after you get home, when you've got all the unpacking and the washing.

He is earning but more importantly - for him - he is getting out of doing things he doesn't want to do by taking the work option. By gum, if I could get out of being at home the day before going on holiday and the day after coming back, and make money too, I would.

Maybe you need to spell it out: "DH there is a lot to do. I NEED you at home to help me more than we need the money."

Groovee · 04/05/2011 12:35

My dh is self employed. He regularly works long days and in the winter we barely see him (bloody boilers which all break down on the same day) BUT, I knew this when I married him and also when we had a family together. He stayed at home a bit later this morning, he did my head in as he's not normally here past 6.30am. But he did let me stay in bed until 7.30am. I think you are being unreasonable as you seem to expect so much more from him yet he is spending holidays away with you and the family.

I have friends who have army husbands and rarely moan when their dh's are on tour despite the worry and loneliness but as they've all said to me, they knew what they were signing up for.

nijinsky · 04/05/2011 12:38

bringmesunshine is he from the west of Scotland by any chance?

Georgimama · 04/05/2011 12:39

Going back to work the day after your holiday finishes is hardly unreasonable. Am I missing something here?

Is this going to be one of those inverse AIBU threads where the OP pops up 100 posts in and says "I am so glad you all said YABU because actually the real situation is the other way round and xyz"

in which case
Biscuit

ILoveYouToo · 04/05/2011 12:41

I can totally understand your frustration, but I'm afraid YABU. I hope you take on board everything people have said here about the nature of freelancing. It sounds like he is doing his best to build up his reputation, his business, and your family finances. And also it is entirely reasonable for someone who works full time to work up until the day you leave on hols, and be back at work the next morning after you get back (apart from weekends, obviously).

On the other hand, as I said, I can understand why this is frustrating for you. My ex was self employed, and was always either working or thinking about work - it really annoyed me even though I knew that's the nature of self employment. My current partner works 9-5 and leaves the job there when he comes home; bliss. Our evenings and weekends are family time, and he doesn't think about work until Monday morning. On the downside, he doesn't like his job... you can't have it all ways! Grin

CurrySpice · 04/05/2011 12:45
bringmesunshine2009 · 04/05/2011 12:50

He and Ds are closer than any father/son I have ever seen. It's enough. I deserve more undoubtedly and in an ideal world I would get it, but it isn't (an ideal world). There are plenty of times I have wanted to leave, but ultimately, I know DS would be devastated. Plus we do actually get on at times!

I just wish he would work, or at least make an effort to. And not get all macho because he feels insecure about his (huge lack of) contibution and just appreciate me once in a while.

CurrySpice · 04/05/2011 12:52

Oh! OK! Just from what you typed originally, he didn't sound like the doting dad!! To say the least!!

bringmesunshine2009 · 04/05/2011 12:53

And not Bryan Ferry haha (yew!), our story is long and complex, but I am ultimately happy because of wonderful DS.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2011 12:53

I'd rather 'devestate' my son than lead by example and give him the idea that it's acceptable to freeload off someone and treat them like shit into the bargain. Or that to be a lazy arse, feckless loser is acceptable.

SylvanianFamily · 04/05/2011 12:53

If you could live comfortably on half his salary, could you spend some of the excess to give you extra support? E.g. getting caterers for your next party; spring cleaners to come in while you're on hols; haphazard packing with a view to shopping for new clothes out there if you run short.

BalloonSlayer · 04/05/2011 12:56

This:

"He and Ds are closer than any father/son I have ever seen."

does not match with this:

"Effectively he would jsut load DS into the car and get his friends to play with him until I came back from work."

Sorry.

Camerondiazepam · 04/05/2011 12:58

"Is he Brian Ferry?" Grin

frgr · 04/05/2011 13:01

it is entirely reasonable for someone who works full time to work up until the day you leave on hols, and be back at work the next morning after you get back (apart from weekends, obviously).

I'm not sure how other families manage it but isn't that how it's done in 99% of cases, otherwise if you have to have a gap inbetween stopping work or going back then you crunch your holiday into only a few days. Not much fun, really. We pack in the evenings leading up to the holiday and unpack/tidy/wash in the nights after (although there was lots of training/trial and error involved here!)

bringmesunshine2009 are you not worried about the emotional wellbeing of your DS from a "this is how you treat people" POV? What do you think seeing the interaction and level of respect between your "D"H and you is showing him? I'm not pretending to say that we all model our parents, but this is a very worrying setup to be showing him as the "best" model for parenting, first hand.

Your DS deserves a loving, close father who also respects his supposed life partner, who supports him financially, and is a real co-parent - NOT just some bloke who gets to do the nice bits. And speaking on those terms, what are you teaching your DS about how good fathers behave, if you step back from looking at your own self worth for a moment?

I'm sorry to keep on like this, but it really makes me upset when I see situations like yours (perhaps too many IRL to comment unbiased in this) and yet you feel it's acceptable... nay, "best" for your child like that. I don't pretend to know more than you about your relationship, but I would urge you to look closer at your belief that the environment between your DH and you is the best model to be showing your DS.

Hassled · 04/05/2011 13:02

WLbalance - I sympathise as my DH (also self employed) is similar. In my DH's case he's only ever on a 3 month contract and so there is this permanent twitchiness - never lose a day's work while you've got the chance to earn it. I've had some strops about it and doubtless there will be some more strops along the way. So no advice, just sympathy.

bringmesunshine - words fail me. Why do you put up with that? He's absolutely taking the piss. You must be knackered. That's not how you treat someone you love and respect.

quidco · 04/05/2011 13:02

you are being so completely and utterly unreasonable here, that i cant believe how lightly you have gotten off from other mumsnetters.

custy once said something along the lines of 'you dont know youve been born' or was it some other wise person? i dont know, but you seriously need to get a grip.

frgr · 04/05/2011 13:04

"He and Ds are closer than any father/son I have ever seen."

Also, actually, this bit I don't believe for one second. As in, I don't believe they're the country's closest dad and son.

Is it possible you just see their relationship as functional, having only ever seen highly disfunctional father-son relationships in your own childhood/social circle?

Just because it's the closest you've ever seen doesn't make it a good one. Or even a close one.

My DH is exceptionally close to his children, mostly because he was their primary carer for 2 years whilst I went fulltime, and then when we both worked 3 days a week each. But he also does 50% of the parenting workload. And he's a good husband.

There is room for being a good husband and father beyond the low quality threshold you have set for your DH...

clitorisorclitoraint · 04/05/2011 13:08

OP YABVU. You don't appear to have noticed how extraordinarily lucky you are.

BrandyAlexander · 04/05/2011 13:15

WLbalance - sorry but you're being a princess. I am not a freelancer but I am self employed and in current economic climate I am not turning anything down as if I am not flexible, I dont get work. It's tough out there at the moment and I think you need to have some appreciation of this, particularly as it sounds like he is doing exactly what you agreed he would do.

Bringmesunshine - people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you think you deserve more and value yourself more then you wouldn't allow yourself to be treated like this. You may think that you're doing this for your son, but really? Do you think you're doing him any favours at all by allowing him to grow up in an environment where the treatment of women, and his mother of all people is in this way is seen as acceptable is doing your son any favours at all?

fit2drop · 04/05/2011 13:20

Please for the love of God tell me this OP is just doing a ranty covert "look at me I am rich" thread.

Surely no one is as spoiled as OP appears and not realise how fortunate their lifestyle is.

Reminds me of the story of Elton John who asked someone to turn the wind down purely because he had nothing else to complain about Hmm

FFS!!

Icelollycraving · 04/05/2011 13:25

Yabu,he works hard to provide for your family & possibly because he enjoys it. In the case of holidays etc,that is pretty much what everyone who works does. If you are unhappy with the situation,tell him. I really thought it would be a 'my dh sits on his arse all day whilst I'm doing 3 jobs'.
As other people have said he may not retain thr contracts if he is part time & then you would be royally stuffed.

E320 · 04/05/2011 13:27

I am a freelancer, too, and I totally understand your DH. Although we are paid good rates when working, there is always the need to build up reserves for times when we are not working and that means putting in as many days as possible when you can.
Oh and the good rates generally mean a fairly comfortable standard of living.
I can understand your point of view, though.